Mock's awful jokes thread.
 

Let's Egg on the yokes guys.

1. Why do I have a problem with Offal? Because it thinks it's so brainy.

2. How did the pigeon avoid the car on the road? It winged it.

3. What do you think of my dress? It's alwhite.

4. Where did Ashleigh Coyle want to take BB15's Christopher? In the Hall.

5. What do girls do together in the Bathroom after a huge falling out? Make-up.

6. What bugs Spiders? Flies.

7. What's 5+5? 5 Alive.

8. How do you change the colour of your wall? You paint it.

9. Who sounds like a Banshee when singing? Ke$ha.

10. What do people say at a Baked Bean party? Heinz guys.

11. Who has that poison? Nicole Scherzinger.

this is gonna be a long thread.

:joker: Or not.

You give Sam Evans a run for his money

'awful' doesn't quite cut it

ha2

Sorry Mock but your thread title is completely correct :laugh:

:amazed: I've got one!!!

How do you kill a circus??

Leather trumpet and Kirk Lancaster are walking down the street when Leather Trumpet trips over a mirror that is left on the floor. As he gets to his feet he picks up the mirror and takes a long hard look in it.

"Hhmmm" he says. "This person looks familiar but I can't for the life of me work out who it is"

"Give me that" snaps Kirk in an impatient fit and he takes it to look in. "Ah you idiot, how could you not recognise who that was, it's me!"

Ninastar, Kazanne and Kizzy were all in a plane crash and managed to swim to a nearby island. After a few weeks they realised there was little food, little fresh water and **** all to do. One day Kazanne was out walking when she tripped over a lamp. Excited she brought it back to the others where Ninastar erotically rubbed the lamp and out popped a genie.

"Behold" he said. "I am the genie of the truth and I have come to...oh my God you are all women" he grumbled. "Well I was going to offer you all the wishes in the world but because you are all split arses you can all have just one wish each"

The girls all looked at themselves with glee.

"Me first then" cried Kizzy.

"Step right up" said the truth genie. "What would you like? A new kitchen for you to work in maybe?"

"No" snapped Kizzy. "I want to go home, I want to be around my friends and family, hug them and tell them I love them."

"Very well" said the genie and **** she was gone.

"Well I guess I'm next then" said Ninastar "I want to go home. I miss my cat and I miss my dog, i want to be home so I can give them all a hug and tell them I love them."

"Very well" said the genie and **** she was gone.

The genie turned to Kazanne, who was looking pretty sheepish.

"Now you" he said.

Kazanne took a long look at the emptiness around her before she mumbled "gee, I'm kinda lonely around here now, I wish my friends were back"

Well...

Anniek! :puzzled:

:joker::joker::joker:

:fist: Hey!

Work your way through this one Kyle :hehe:

The United Nations are having a new multi-million pound extension built to their headquarters in Geneva. Under UN rules at least two Senior Civil Servants must be on site at all times to oversee its progress.

Three Senior Civil Servants are selected – Herr Manfred Bockenfeldt from Munich, Germany, Ringo Smith from Liverpool, England, and Senor Manuel Erozzes from Pamplona Spain.

All three are on site and it starts to lash it down with rain. It rains for several days and all three get soaked. Senor Erozzes catches a cold and starts violently sneezing. His cold gets steadily worse, until at the weekend, he tells the other two that he’s going back to his hotel because he can’t stop sneezing and coughing. He tells them to telephone him if there are any problems.

The next day Smith and Bockenfeldt start coughing and sneezing because they too have caught the cold.

Smith turns to Bockenfeldt and suggests that they should go back to the hotel as well, because they’re both ill and – anyway – nobody will know, but the German is a stickler for obeying orders, and strongly objects to this suggestion – reminding Smith that under UN rules, two Senior Civil Servants must be on site at all times.

Smith wants to get out of the rain, so a furious argument breaks out between the two, and Smith suggests telephoning the Spaniard for his views.

So it went something like:

Ringo rings Erozzes, Her Bockenfeldt opposes, Atishoo, Atishoo, they all fall out.

Groan -- Ok shoot me. :joker::joker::joker:

:joker::joker::joker: It's funny, but I don't believe a word, because Kazzane would have thought "screw Ninastar and Kizzy" and wished for Gerard Butler:joker:

A Comanche Indian brave goes into see the tribes Medicine Man and tells him he’s ill. The Medicine Man cuts a thin strip off a drying elk hide and tells him to eat a piece of it every 4 hours until he’s eaten it all. “This” he tells him will cure his illness.

The next day the brave returns to the Medicine Man and tells him:


"The thong has ended but the malady lingers on"

BOOM BOOM....Groan....Tibb members draw weapons start looking for Kirk.

:joker: there's some great jokes in here guys.

1. What time did the Chicken tell me it was? 12 O'cluck.

2. What do all Peter's do? Pipe up.

3. What's the one thing that bugs Simon Cowell about SCD? They like to Waltz about too much.

4. Who do you think of when it's oh so quiet? Me personally always think of Bijork.

:joker: there's some great jokes in here guys.

1. What time did the Chicken tell me it was? 12 O'cluck.

2. What do all Peter's do? Pipe up.

3. What's the one thing that bugs Simon Cowell about SCD? They like to Waltz about too much.

4. Who do you think of when it's oh so quiet? Me personally always think of Bijork.

:umm2:

omg :laugh2:

A man runs into a pub, all agitated and sweaty, and he says to the barman; "How tall are penguins?

The barman says: "About 2 to 3 feet, I think".

The man says; "Fek me I've just run over a Muslim woman."
..................................................

A white horse walks into a pub and says to the barman: " Pint a lager mate".

The barman says: " Fek me a talking horse. Do you know we've got a whisky named after you?"

And the horse says: "What, Eric?"

.................................................. .................................................. ..................

What do you call an impotent Asian boxer? -- Aamir Khant.

...............................................

What goes -- '99 plonk. 99 plonk.' ---- A centipede with a wooden leg.

.................................................. ................................

Kyle, Leathertrumpet and Marsh go spying in Syria for the Military and are caught and taken prisoner by ISIS.

The terrorist boss says "We normally behead twats like you but I'm a big fan of TIBB so I'm going to have you flogged, then I'm going to release you.

That afternoon, all 3 are stripped to the waist and tied to 3 posts with their backs to a huge Muslim holding a vicious looking cat o nine tails whip.

The Muslim goes up to Marsh and says; "The boss says you've got a choice of what you want on your back before I flog you.

Marsh says: "Thanks. Can I have some Savlon please?" So the Muslim rubs loads of Savlon into Marsh's back then flogs him until his back's raw and he passes out.

The Muslim moves to Kyle: "What do you want on your back?"

Kyle says: "Feck off. I'm English. I don't need feck all on my back. Do your worst."

The Muslim flogs Kyle's back until it bleeds but Kyle just sneers at him. Eventually the Muslim gives up, moves to Leathertrumpet, and says: "What do you want on your back".

Leathertrumpet says: "Kyle".

.................................................. ..............................................

1. Guess what my Mom told me today because I headed East to the shops? She told me that I was going with the Fleur.

2. Are you gay? Yes I am. How come you look so miserable then? That's because I'm around you Pharrell Williams.

3. What does the Nintendo Wii need? U.

4. What does Gammon do for you? It puts it's life at Steak.

1. Guess what my Mom told me today because I headed East to the shops? She told me that I was going with the Fleur.

2. Are you gay? Yes I am. How come you look so miserable then? That's because I'm around you Pharrell Williams.

3. What does the Nintendo Wii need? U.

4. What does Gammon do for you? It puts it's life at Steak.

:joker::joker::joker: You're winning the 'Most Awful Jokes' title hands down so far Mock. :hehe: