ALFs jokes thread
 

For Alf :love:

Donald Trump and Mike Pence are on the roof of Trump Tower having a chat. Trump says to Pence, "I want to do something good to put a smile on American's faces" Pence says "You could Jump"

Tesco to cut 4,500 jobs across 153 stores

I guess 'Every Lidl helps'

Boom boom!

My dentist informed me today that I need a crown.

Finally, someone who understands me.

My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy, so I went and got drunk.

My wife just found out I replaced our bed with a trampoline. She hit the roof

My wife asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn't talking to me.

I know a lot of jokes about unemployed people, but none of them work.

Eye jokes

The Cornea the better.

As a child:
'You’re grounded’

As an adult:
'Your package will be delivered between 8 am and 6 pm’

:joker: soooo true.

I was in the bank the other day when an old woman asked me if I could check her balance. So I pushed her over.

:D

I should post the ones I posted in private chat, incase people didn't get to see them.

What did the penis say to the condom?

My mother is so fat that when she falls down the stairs, her neighbours think Eastenders is finishing

I used to make jokes about German Sausages, but they were the wurst

I'm sick and tired of WW2 jokes, Anne Frankly they need to stop

That relationship moved quickly

That's what you took from it did you?

So I burnt my Hawaiian pizza last night

I should’ve put it on aloha setting.

...why did the first elephant fall out of the tree...?...

...why did the second elephant fall out of the tree..?..

...why did the third elephant fall out of the tree...?...

...why did the tree fall down..?...

...I laughed...

Ammi can you please stay on topic? This is a thread for jokes.

:laugh:

I laughed too Ammi.....Matthew will love those jokes.

His favourite joke is "what is brown and sticky"

Is that why you are here :hehe:

...and suddenly everyone is a comedian :smug:

Ah haha. Love the stick joke. Isn't that one of Niamhs favourites too I think.

My Bonnie Tyler voiced Sat nav is rubbish, it keeps telling me to turn around and every now and then it falls apart.

Did you hear about Sophie Ellis Bextor dying at the home of a footballer? Everybody is saying it was murder on Zidane's floor.

What do you call a dog with 2 cocks?

How come U2 still haven't found what they're looking for?

:laugh:

"Hey dad why is my sister called Teresa?"

"Because your mum loves easter and it's an anagram of easter.”

"Thanks Dad!”

"No problem Alan"

The Chip shop I go to still wrap up meals in newspaper.

Yesterday I got a Plaice in The Sun.

Very good