[Matthew.]

There was a girlie named Laquisha who sat on Chad Johnson's big pot of hummus. This made Chad fart uncontrollably for five hours straight. Laquisha ate Chad's jumbo sausage roll and Chad got extremely angry at his growing erection. Suddenly Chad died of laughter at Laquishas very big heart and she collapsed sexually unfulfilled.

Meanwhile Lindsay Lohan wiped her wet wipe on Alan Carr’s crusty, hairy arsehole. Gemma Collins decided to do a pirouette, while Pete Burns eyed Alan's arsehole and Piers Morgan licked it while Alan leaked anally on Jonty Stern’s teddies. After doing this, Jonty ate spuds and shat himself in front of Pudsey the Bear. This surprised Pudsey so much he thanked Jonty for having no morals.

Lindsay Lohan searched for a dripping