Featuring the heart-wrenching tale of a lone egg’s battle against the over-sexualisation of the music industry. And also mayonnaise, because Belgium. I don’t know either.
In homage to these complete and utter choons:
The Chandelier BitListen up, I’ve got one concern
Hear me out now, it’s time for my turn
I’ve a point to make, a point to make
Don’t zone out ‘cause my country’s small
We TiBBsters know size isn’t all
‘Cause we’re a chode (metaphorically, y’know)
One can see, it’s affecting me, me
I can’t stand feeling this guilty
So now I’m going to come clean
And I guess all of Europe’ll see that
I’ve eaten all of the mayonnaise, all the mayonnaise
This has been eating at me for days, that I ate mayonnaise
I’ll have to buy more but I can’t face the shame
All of Bruges knows my name
Even if I’m now a cannibal, I’m still being paid…
As Siegg (funny rite?) sings this touching ballad, a montage showing the impact that mayonnaise has had on culturally significant events throughout the course of history is played:
~end slideshow~
How could it just disappear?
I suppose I’ll just have to stay clear
Of the rest of my waffles and beer
And chocolate, I guess they make that here
Please believe me, I’m being sincere
Don’t believe me? Just look at my tears
My poor fries are as bare as-
The backing track cuts out suddenly. Siegg looks up from her overextended metaphor to see four interchangeable, slightly insanitary women (The Real Official™ Pussy Popping Eggy Sluts Sponsored By Hellman’s Light Mayo) strutting onto the stage to Fancy / anything by DJ Mustard / Pretty Girls? Is that it? Oh just play the song.
The Pretty Girls Bit
Hey girl, wipe your mind
Of mayonnaise
Let it go, like Elsa says
Crying just won’t get you laid
(it’s Eggy-Eggs)
This song’s so witty!
This parody’s for
All the gays
So drop that mayo, on the floor
We’ll need a clean-up in aisle four
Now here’s our titties!
Hey
Don’t you know I was singing ‘bout pain?
Well, the pain of losing mayonnaise
For god’s sake you scrubbers, just turn that tempo down
A sad song always gets you a cheer
It’s what got that Sam Smith a career
Now excuse me 'cause I’ve got
Mayo on my mind
(Girl please shut up)
It’s just one jar, hey?
(Listen to us)
Wasn’t that a good segue?
(Mayonnaise?)
So yesterday, please
(Salmonella teas)
All around the world
We can name…
…like, two countries? We’re not ashamed
Don’t get the D by knowing Spain
Or maths or history!
While we’ve still got boobs
And a foof
We’ll market them and that’s the truth
No more tears, just waffle* (*blue)
Belgium reference!
Tell me, can you at least go put on some bras?
As I go cry for my mayo jars
Every time I try to leave, girls, you just interrupt me
Cause this is my personal hell
I can still see your fried eggs as well
And hang on, what’s that fishy smell?
(Sorry, that’s me)
(Girl, just chill out)
Have a sit down
(My boob fell out)
Something something noun
(We got a good plan)
Don’t lose your hair, hen
(…that’s not to you, Glenn)
Right, now, here’s our plan
Little egg
Give some cleavage, show some leg
Take your chance while in your prime
#sexydairytime
Girls, wait, don’t you think
That’s perverse
To flash my yolk? There’s nothing worse
Where should I go with this verse?
Buy Jackie on iTunes
~exeunt the pussy poppers~
It’s now the part of the song to kill some hussies
I’m not selling out to some pubic lice posse
I think it’s icky-icky to give ‘em one more chance
Especially with the hygiene of a guy from France
I’m a classy lil’ egg, you won’t see my lil’ chest
And I know my soufflé’ll keep the whole world pressed
I’m sure nobody’s still reading this crap by now
So I’ll use this line to ask all my Irish followers to vote #no on 22nd May, keep those feckin’ gays out ergh it’s Adam and Eve not Adam and Steve
All across the globe
(France excepted)
Where I go, I be respected
Well, if an egg can be respected
Don’t mess with me
How has this song turned
Into one
All about egg feminism?
Germaine Greer would simply jism
And that’s the image I’ll end on!
Siegg slays the Sluts (with her back turned to them in a final tribute to Sia, obvs) with her…. erm… magical egg powers for suggesting that she'd sell her shelly body for cash, in a fight of, like, Serious Debates & News proportions. A nation weeps for music.
The screen fades to black and the credits roll, to a backdrop of rapturous applause. In order of appearance:
~fin~