"My darling Jason, I know you've told me a thousand times that you and I are finished, and I KNOW that it's my fault. I cheated on you, I flew into jealous rages and physically attacked you every time you even just stroked Cleo, and I admit that I spent your money on trivial things - like the £1,000 pounds I spent on 'Polyfilla' to cover the cracks in my face.
But I LOVE you Jason - I'm a 'Nobody' who is obsessed with being 'Somebody' and I never thought that I could find a 'meal ticket' as soft as you; someone who had local fame and 'kudos'. Someone who I could cling to and bask in his 'reflected Glory'.
Anyway Jase, to PROVE my love darling, I have written a song. You have to picture me singing it Country style like Johnny Cash - only my singing voice is much deeper. I HOPE you like it and agree that it shows how much I love you. It's called:
'WON'T SEE ME FOR DUST' (THE BALLAD OF A DEMENTED SLAG)
"Hello, I'm Johnny Cash's sister - Desperate for Cash. Here's a little number called 'Won't See Me For Dust':
I'm standing in front of my mirror
And Lord what a ghastly sight
All I'm wearing is my crusty knickers
The ones I wore on our last night.
Yeah Jase I never change them
On my saggy body they stay
Even though I've kept shagging
At least ten different guy's a day.
They were once pink and pretty
Now they've gone a shade of green
'Cos they're fuller of dead semen
Than a sunken submarine.
But that ain't the only thing
There's dead skin cells too
And I ain't a gonna change 'em Jase
Until I'm back with you.
But I woke up this morning
And I let out a scream
I had a fecking nightmare
A mother of a dream.
I dreamt you'd said you'd meet me
OK - I forced you to agree
And I spent 2 days getting ready
So I looked as good as I could be.
I put on 10 lbs of foundation
25 lbs of hair weave
(But just in case that failed Jase
I'd a knife right up my sleeve.)
I put 60 tins of talc inside my knickers
(My best friend said I must)
Then I dropped 'em when I met you
And you couldn't see me for the dust.
Before that dust had even settled
Jase, I guess that I just knew
That my reunion hopes had gone
An' so were fecking you.
I gotta blame my knickers
For making my dreams toast
'Cos covered in dead sperm 'n talc
I looked as scary as a ghost.
Yeah, I put 60 tins of talc inside my knickers
(My best friend said I must)
Then I dropped 'em when I met you
And you couldn't see me for the dust.
Yeah, You couldn't see me for the dust.
Couldn't see me for the dust.
Couldn't see me for the dust.
Couldn't see me for the dust.
You always see the good in people Kirk, , I love that you have some complete faith that she actually wears any