[MB.]

The men:

Originally Posted by MB.

• Justin Holman, 29, from Huntsville, Alabama
  Justin considers himself a “traditional Southern country boy, through and through”, by which he means that his family once owned slaves but are now completely broke. He somehow attributes this to Obamacare. A cattle rancher by trade, Justin is taking a pepper spray gun to the island as his luxury item, which he says he will use if any homosexuals try to touch him during the night.

• Steadman Riley, 48, from Rochester, New York
  Steadman has worked as an elementary school principal for the past fifteen years. He says that the key factor in deciding to apply for Survivor was when a co-worker mistakenly bought him a fiftieth birthday card for what was in fact his forty-seventh birthday last year, prompting a sudden realisation of his own mortality and subsequent midlife crisis. “It was either this or assisted suicide,” he smiles.

• Christopher "Chris" Ortiz, 25, from Farmington, New Mexico
  Chris decided from a young age not to follow his father into the family business (hardcore fetish pornography). Instead, with hard work he became an attorney, specialising in family law. With the million dollars, he hopes to buy an engagement ring to his childhood sweetheart girlfriend Stephanie, and give enough money to his father that he’ll never have to make yet another “My Saucy Deafblind Stepdaughter” sequel ever again.

• Aubin Simpson, 37, from Birmingham, Alabama
  Aubin is also a lawyer, suggesting that the United States has an incredibly short list of careers for graduates to select from. However, this one is a useful lawyer, in that he works in the field of civil rights. “Birmingham is pretty much the birthplace of the Civil Rights Movement,” the father-of-two says proudly of his hometown. “Without civil rights, we may never have seen the ‘right in front of my salad’ meme.”

• Kenton Harmon, 26, from St. Louis, Missouri
  Kenton’s biggest secret is that he has an extremely rare condition: he was born without a personality. “It’s really hard,” says the soccer coach and part-time DJ. “All I do in my spare time, by which I mean when I’m not in the gym, is listen to The Chainsmokers and drink Bud Light. I haven’t been able to tell a joke since 1998. Also, I’m available for bar mitzvahs if anyone’s looking for someone to do the music. Seriously. I need the cash. Please help me.”

• Callum Schultz, 23, from Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania
  Callum is often perceived to be a typical nerd, but this is far from the truth – as he points out, he is in fact thick as shit. “It sucks”, says the grocery store worker and keen gamer, who lives above his parents’ garage. “I have early onset presbyopia and not a single law degree to show for it.” He says that he once had a real girlfriend, but this relationship came to an end when she realised he had used Nyle DiMarco’s photo in his Tinder profile.

• Jordan Murray, 28, from New York, New York
  Jordan has been on the Broadway stage since the age of nine, when he would regularly run on to feed Marlon Brando hamburgers during the star’s poorly-received one-man show “Pies and Dolls: How I Gorged My Way to the Top”. Jordan now plays the role of Old-Fashioned American Dude #4 in Hamilton, although he’s being replaced by Mandy Patinkin. He says that he is competing in Survivor on behalf of his boyfriend and his pet hyacinth macaw, a.k.a. “the worst animal you can possibly keep in a Manhattan apartment” and also his pet macaw.

• Kyle Noel, 32, from Plano, Texas
  Kyle says that he would normally describe himself as a good Southern country boy, except that Justin’s already filled that slot. Instead, he says he’ll settle for the “former-college-football-player-turned-successful-real-estate-agent-who-pretends-that-he’s-blue-collar-because-he-owns-a-tractor” slot. If he wins Survivor, he’ll buy another Mercedes and pay for his wife’s latest breast enlargement surgery, and also maybe a shovel. Because he’s ever so blue collar, you know.