252. Caroline Wharram (BB13 - 10th Place)
So there were actually a **** ton of people I could have seen myself eliminating this round (Anton, Chris, Grace, Matthew, Pauline, Spencer, Stuart) but one must NEVER pass up on an opportunity to destroy Caroline when granted one. It's surely one of the cardinals rules of C5 BBUK. Do I even need to go into why she's so awful? Surely everyone knows, right? I know a few people try to be edgy and insist that Caroline was HILAAAAAAAAAARIOUS and provided comic relief (?!) merely because she was posh and had a vagina, but no. Absolutely no. I'm not having any of that ****ing bull****. Homegirl was a wretched cretin who was seemingly bred in a laboratory to have a bunch of obviously bad personality traits that would come together in the worst way imaginable. Here's a few of them!
Racist: I'm sure some people are going to cry about how I'm being too harsh because Caroline didn't call someone the n-word or preach for resegregation, but she called a black man a gorilla and compared him to MLK Jr.
as an insult, which at the very least is extremely racially insensitive.
Desperate for attention but lacking a backbone: So because it wasn't HILAAAAAAAAARIOUS enough when Rex did it
and when Harry did it, we had to suffer through Caroline thinking she was oh so ****ing clever and pulling that tired-ass trope of swapping out the Shopping Budget entirely for chocolate! Not only was this blatantly unoriginal and NOT funny, but Caroline couldn't even own her damn decision. She just kinda lingered in the background and snickered to herself and ran away when people realized what was up because she didn't want people yelling at her.
Downright bizarre and emotionally unstable: Another quality that probably sounds good on paper but in practice was just EXHAUSTING. As mentioned above, Caroline could not own any decision she made and was incredibly spineless, which is kind of the exact opposite of how someone trying to sell her brand of character should act. Whenever her chickens came home to roost, instead of standing her ground Caroline would just dive into melodramatic, weepy apologies where she would panic and hyperventilate and fully agreed that she was an awful person and just suck you into her self-loathing and leave
you feeling uncomfortable... and then she wouldn't change her behavior at all and the cycle would just keep going on. I don't think this fits anywhere, but I feel obligated to mention that time when Caroline hit herself in the eye with her hairbrush and then hysterically wailed in the Diary Room for 10 minutes.
FAT: This isn't so much a personality trait and I'm not trying to fat-shame, but for someone with so many different ISSUES, Caroline got reeeeeallly ****ing fat towards the end of her stay and it got to the point where she had to be given a new eviction outfit
and then, of course, she had to compliment this eviction outfit by having her hair all frizzy and messy and knotty but she was also going to carry a hairbrush with her because GET IT, SHE SHOULD PROBABLY USE IT SINCE HER HAIR IS A MESS, LOOK HOW FUNNY AND CLEVER THAT CAROLINE IS!!!!! The rest of her eviction interview consisted of her shrieking and chanting "GET CAROLINE OUT!" and attempting to sell her own friends out in the few sentences she could actually string together.
So yeah, thanks for tuning into "Caroline Wharram: A case study on why you should never send your children to boarding school." Until next time!