[kirklancaster]

‘LAST of THE DUMBER SWINE’
(A Ballad of Beleaguered Council Rate-Payers)

Campo, Fuggy and Cloggy,
Out for an evening stroll,
Said; “Bloody Hell” as they nearly fell
Into a three by two-foot pothole

“Ay Ooop” Said Campo, “It’s one er many
They’re all o’er pavements en’t road”.
“He’s right” said Cloggy glancing at Fuggy
“Campo RIGHT? Well, I’ll be blowed”.

Fuggy poked a hole with his cane
“Come on, let’s press on carefully ahead”
“Because it will rankle if I broke my ankle
Before an ambulance arrived I’d be dead”

So onwards they ambled past hedgerows
And fields, until they got well into town
Past unemptied bins with bottles and tins
And rubbish bags strewn all around.

On past the neglected old Cenotaph
Where a statue of a Fallen Soldier still stood
All covered in Swatztikas and other grafitti
Long since daubed by a thug in a hood.

“The Council should clean it” said Cloggy
“I agree” said Fuggy “It’s a pity”
“Yer ‘aven’t a prayer” said Campo to the pair.
“The’ll just say thiz now’t in the kitty”

So, on they walked through the town
Until they came to a huge pair of gates
Where they stopped to take a peek
Along the drive of a Country Estate.

A smartly dressed man was getting in his car
A brand new, gleaming Bentley Mulsanne
“Ay Oop” Shouted Campo “That’s Albert Fosdyke
“He used to live in an old Caravan”

“Albert” Campo shouted up the drive
“Hey up, Campo” Albert replied.
“Dun’t tell me that’s thy house Albert”
“That it is” said Albert with pride.

“When ar knew thee tha wor potless”
Campo said “Thi arse hanging art er an hole
Tha’d nowt an wor living on’t breadline
Existing just off thi dole”

“Is that true man?” enquired Fuggy
His face turning envious green
“Aye, Campo’s reight” answered Albert
“I’d poorest life a man’s ever seen.

“But how then have you got all this?”
Asked Fuggy with a point of his stick
“I mean good grief man you’re loaded”
And that is a really neat trick”.

“Have you won the Lottery?” Asked Cloggy
“Or on the horses won massive amounts?”
“Nay Lad” Said Albert “I’m a Councillor now.
It’s all down to mi EXPENSES accounts.

(But RATES are NOT funny)