[parmnion]

My old dad used to say " always, always be up front with everyone!"

Great man, **** goalkeeper!

[parmnion]

Paddy is cleaning his rifle and accidentally shoots his wife. He quickly dials for an ambulance. "It's my wife, I've accidentally shot her - I ... I think I've killed her"
"Calm down sir" replies the operator. "Can you first make sure she really is dead?"
*BANG*
"Okay, done that, now what?"

[parmnion]

A drunk walks out of a bar with a car key in his hand and he is stumbling back and forth. A cop on the beat sees him and approaches "Can I help you sir?"

"Yessh! Ssssomebody ssstole my carrr" the man replies.

The cop asks "Where was your car the last time you saw it?"

"It wasss on the end of thisshh key" the man replies, holding up his key.

About that time the cop looks down and sees the man's cock is hanging out of his fly for all the world to see. He asks the man "Sir are you aware that you are exposing yourself?"

Momentarily confused, the drunk looks down at his crotch and, without missing a beat, blurts out.......... " For ****sake - My girlfriend's gone, too!!!!!"

[parmnion]

Convince your neighbours youre a politician by knocking on thier doors once every 4 or 5 years then totally ignoring them

[Nicky91]

Originally Posted by parmnion

Convince your neighbours youre a politician by knocking on thier doors once every 4 or 5 years then totally ignoring them

[Nicky91]

such a great thread this is

[parmnion]

think i,ll shove the shorts and tshirt on today.


5yrs ago.

[parmnion]

Xmas is coming the goose is getting fat please put a penny in the old man's hat, if you havnt got a penny a ha'peny will do if you haven't got a ha'peny, God bless you...

[parmnion]

Have a great night with granny jamela stu pot. Make sure she gets back to the hotel....I hope you have your kelso rugby shirt on ��

[parmnion]

Jesus christ, how the **** did we manage to drink outside in the streets when we were teenagers in this weather..ah can't handle 5 minutes walking the pub now.

[parmnion]

Ive forgot to take the leftover sweeties to work...doubt i will see them again.

[parmnion]

To everyone on Facebook, if you get a friend request from me it's NOT a scam.

Ah just want to gape at your photos then delete you.

[parmnion]

A rabbit walks into a pub and says to the barman,
'Can I have a pint of beer, and a Ham and Cheese Toastie?'

The barman is amazed, but gives the rabbit a pint of beer and a ham and cheese toastie.

The rabbit drinks the beer and eats the toastie. He then leaves.

The following night the rabbit returns and again asks for a pint of beer, and a Ham and Cheese Toastie.

The barman, now intrigued by the rabbit and the extra drinkers in the pub, (because word gets round), gives the rabbit the pint and the Toastie. The rabbit consumes them and leaves.

The next night, the pub is packed.

In walks the rabbit and says, 'A pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman.'

The crowd is hushed as the barman gives the rabbit his pint and toastie, and then burst into applause as the rabbit wolfs them down.

The next night there is standing room only in the pub.

Coaches have been laid on for the crowds of patrons attending.

The barman is making more money in one week than he did all last year

In walks the rabbit and says, 'A pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman.'

The barman says, 'I'm sorry rabbit, old mate, old mucker, but we are right out of them Ham and Cheese Toasties.'

The rabbit looks aghast.

The crowd has quietened to almost a whisper, when the barman clears his throat nervously and says,
'We do have a very nice Cheese and Onion Toastie.

The rabbit looks him in the eye and says, 'Are you sure I will like it.'

The crowd's bated breath is ear shatteringly silent.

The barman, with a roguish smile says, 'Do you think that I would let down one of my best friends. I know you'll love it.'

'Ok,' says the rabbit, 'I'll have a pint of beer and a Cheese and Onion Toastie.'

The pub erupts with glee as the rabbit quaffs the beer and guzzles the toastie.

He then waves to the crowd and leaves....

NEVER TO RETURN!!!!!!

One year later, in the now impoverished public house, the barman, (who has only served 4 drinks tonight, 3 of which were his), calls time.

When he is cleaning down the now empty bar, he sees a small white form, floating above the bar.

The barman says, 'Who are you?

To which he is answered,
'I am the ghost of the rabbit that used to frequent your public house.'

The barman says, 'I remember you. You made me famous.

You would come in every night and have a pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie. Masses came to see you and this place was famous.'

The rabbit says, 'Yes I know.'

The barman said, 'I remember, on your last night we didn't have any Ham and Cheese Toasties. You had a Cheese and Onion one instead.'

The rabbit said, 'Yes, you promised me that I would love it.'

The barman said, 'You never came back, what happened?'

'I DIED', said the rabbit.

'NO!' said the barman. 'What from?'

After a short pause, the rabbit said ...

'Mixin-me-toasties

V

[parmnion]

Share all you want, you're winning **** all.