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Old 25-01-2013, 03:28 PM #1
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Default Twilight: The Dan James Lewis reboot

This is my entry into a comedic writing group.

Its totally un pc full of sexual referneces but imo a hoot.

Feedback would be appreciated though i know 99% of people cant even be bothered to read line of a post so.

Enjoy....

Twi-****e

Preface;

My ***** of a mother drove me to the airport with the windows rolled down. It was seventy five degrees in the ghetto, the sky a perfect, cloudless blue. I was wearing my favorite mini skirt - knicker-less, 1 lip hanging out to the right; I didnt care i was on my period, I was wearing it as a farewell gesture. My carry-on item was my pocket dildo.

In the Olympic Peninsula of northwest Washington State, a small town named Crick exists under a near-constant cover of clouds. It absolutley pisses down on this inconsequential town more than any other place in the United States of America. It was from this town and its gloomy, omnipresent shade that my bitch mother escaped with me when i was fresh out of her baggy vagina. It was in this town that I'd been compelled to spend a month every summer until i was fourteen...That was when i got my first period. These past three summers, my dad, Charlie, vacationed me in California for two weeks instead. I guess he was embaressed people might smell my fishy odour.

It was to Crick that i now exiled myself - an action that took great horror. I detested Crick.

I loved Penis though. I loved the veins and the gerthy shaft. I loved the vigorous, sprawling, dangling foreskin.

"Bella" My mom said to me--The last of a thousand times before i got on the plane. "Are you a lesbian?...Im sorry im just angry you're leaving me. Whos gonna help me rub one out now?...You dont have to do this".

My mom looks like me, except with short hair, a bald fanny and 1 boob slightly shorter than the other. I felt a spasm of panic..Or an orgasm, i wasnt quite sure.

As i stared at her wide-on, childlike eyes. How can i leave my loving, erratic ***** of a mother to fend for herself? I mean its not as if Phil is going to go within 10 miles of that stenchy, used up pussy. "Mom" i said "Here i want you to have this" I reached into my carry on bag and pulled out the dildo. The dildo that got me through many a lonely night.

Even though Phil couldnt get it up, atleast the bills would probably get paid,
There would be food in the refridgerator, most likely chicken because Phil was black, And gas in the car for when the dumb bitch got lost.

" Mom, I want to go to Crick" I lied. I'd always been a bad liar, almost as bad as i was at faking orgasms but i'd been saying this lie so frequently lately that it almost sounded convincing now.

"Tell Charlie i said hes a bellend, a total and utter bellend who never made me cum once in his miserable life And the one time he didnt manage to pull out in time resulted in you... Bella you were a mistake".

"I love you mom" she hugged me tightly for a minute, and then i got on the plane and she was gone.


Chapter 2: Crick

It's a four-hour flight from Phoenix to Crick, another hour by ox-cart up to Port Angeles, and then an hour drive back down to Crick.

Flying doesn't bother me; the hour in the car with Charlie though, I was a little worried about. I know he hadn't had sex since my mom all them years ago and i was afraid he may bend me over the car bonnett and butt **** me with his penis.

Charlie had really been fairly nice about the whole thing. He seemed pretty genuinely pleased that i was coming to live with him, I just hoped it was platonic and that i wasn't going to wake up in the middle of the night with his cock in my mouth.

He'd already gotten me registered for high school and was going to help me pimp out a car with a double bed and a sex swing. But it sure would be awkward with Charlie. Neither of us was what anyone would call verbrose whatever the **** that means. I sometimes like to use big words to mask the fact im a slut who just loves to go down on as many guys as possible, nom nom in my lips.

I knew Charlie was a little confused about my decision to return to Crick--like my mother before me, i hadn't made a secret of my distaste for the place.
When i dismounted the Ox-cart in Port Angeles, it was raining. I didnt see it as an omen--just unavoidable. I'd already said goodbye to the sun and topless sunbathing.

Charlie was waiting for me with the Cruiser. This i was expecting too. Charlie is police. Chief Duck to the good friends of Crick. Charlie gave me an awkward one armed hug when i stumbled off the Ox-cart....i checked, no semi in sight...Phew.

"It's good to see you Bells," he said, smiling like a rapist as he automatically caught and steadied me. "You haven't changed much. Hows Renee? She still telling everyone she uses that vibrating back massager she bought that time for actual back pain?"

"Mom's fine. It's good to see you, too, Dad."I wasn't allowed to call him Charlie to his face as it turned him on.

I only had a few bags. Most of my Arizona clothes were too permeable for Washington. My mom and i had pooled our resources to replace my soiled underwear and bikini tops to supplement my winter wardrobe but it was still scanty. It all fit easily into the trunk of the cruiser.

"I found a good car for you, really cheap" he announced whilst putting on his strap on. "What kind of car?" I was suspicious of the way he said "good car for you" as opposed to "good car". "Well its a horse and cart but we can still pimp it out with the double bed and im sure we can find some handcuffs down at the station".

Charlie had gotten the horse from the little Indian boy named Billy Brown, who had a pig nose and teeth that looked like they were just one long really white tooth. Billy was from a little indian reservation called La push. Apparently we used to go fishing every summer but i didnt remember, i had a good way of blocking painful or unnecesarry things from memory. Or maybe i was just racist.

I didn't want to sound ungreatful but what the **** was i going to do with a horse and cart, besides ride the horses member like the little bitch that i am? Charlie could tell i was dubious, "Really Bella this thing runs great, They dont build them like this anymore and dont worry about the money, it's your homecoming gift"....

"Thanks dad i love it, i would much prefer this to an actual car with an engine, heating, seat belts and breaks to stop me plummeting to my death off a cliff".

"Well, you're welcome" he mumbled, Charlie wasn't great with expressing his emotions so we both sat there in awkward silence then started talking about the weather which was wet...like me, and that was pretty much it for conversation.

Eventually we made it to Charlies, he still lived in a small brown two bedroomed house, the walls looked like someone had ate really bad curry and pebble dashed one side of the exterior. He'd bought this house with my skank mom when they first got married. She wore white, but everyone knew she'd been taking it in every orifice possible since she was 15.

I noticed the horse which would be carrying me to school chowing down on a bail of hay just adjacent to the house, he was a big boy, a very dirty bad bad boy. Things were looking up. I could see myself riding that in every possible position all over Crick. I shall name him Henry i thought, Henry the horse.

It took only one trip to get my stuff upstairs, i got the west bedroom that faced out over the front yard. Well, i thought to myself, if i get bored atleast i've got Henry to arouse me. The walls were still baby blue from when i was a child, and the ceiling sloped down. It sort of felt like i was in a coffin which is fine because i'm all deep and spiritual and stuff. There was only one small bathroom at the top of the stairs and Charlie probably had a hidden camera in there to watch me change my tampons, but i guessed it would just have to do.

As i unpacked i gazed out of the window at the sheeting rain and let a few tears escape.

I guess this this was home now.


Chapter 3: School

Crick high school had a frightening total of only three hundred and fifty-seven--now fifty eight--students; there were more than seven hundred people in my junior class alone back home, most of whom had seen me face down, ass up.

I was now the new girl from the big city, a curiosity, a freak. I'd never fit in anywhere, my hair was a scraggley ginger mop, my chest was that of a 12 year old boy and i had blue eyes which made me look either retarded or blind.

I didnt relate well to people my age, maybe the truth was i didnt relate well to people period. Even my mother, who I was closer to than anyone else on this planet, was never in harmony with me, unless we were scissoring each other, that was the only time we really felt in sync.

Breakfast with Charlie that morning was torture, he was one of those people who breathed really loudly through their nose whilst eating, and it was making me want to pull the skin off my face and ram it in his dick hole.

After he'd finished inhaling his breakfast he got up from the kitchen table and placed his bowl into the sink, "Good luck at school today". I thanked him, knowing his hope was wasted. Good luck tended to avoid me. He headed off to the police station, that was his wife and family these days.

As i sat at the oak table, i gazed around the house. The kitchen was unchanged since my std ridden mother had painted it 18 years prior and there were still pictures of her with us over the fireplace. It was clear that Charlie wasn't over her, either that or he was harbouring some sort of stalker tendencies with intent to kill, possibly by strangulation or multiple stab wounds, i believed the latter.

I looked closely at one and noticed a jizz stain on my mothers left cheek, yup, he was definatley disturbed.

I didn't want to be early to school but looking at Charlies dried up orgasm was making me feel uncomfortable. I couldn't stay in the house anymore. I donned my tighty whities, attached the nipple clamps to both breasts and put on my favourite bottle top as a hat then headed out.

It was drizzling still, not enough to soak me through immediatley but i didn't mind, i was allways wet anyway. Henry was waiting for me, he was standing tall, his bare chest puffed out, his maine blowing in the wind and his perfect appendage was hanging at a 90 degree angle. I felt a shudder in my nether regions. Atleast i would enjoy the ride to school.

I hopped into the cart and whipped Henry with my leather studded whip, "yes Henry you bad bad boy, take mommy to school... And feel free to take the bumpy road". The journey was great! It was like sitting on a washing machine. Thank god Charlie had padded the seats with grip though, i was so wet at one point i could have slipped off at any given moment..... I came hard that day, harder than i had came in a long time.

I dismounted at the school gates, gave Henry a kiss on the lips and tied him to the nearest post "Now Henry, you wait here untill mommy finishes at three".

It was not obvious that it was a school other then the fact it had a 20ft neon sign saying "S C H O O L" plastered right above the front door. The school was surrounded by trees and shrubs and was nothing like the one back home which felt like an institution. Where were the chain link fences? Where were the metal detectors? Where were the sexy security men who i used to bribe with sexual favours to let me into school with a purse full of crystal meth?

I walked unwilingly down the little stone path lined with dark hedges and took a deep breath before entering the door. Inside it was brightly lit and warmer than i'd hoped. I was to report to the office, it was small with a little waiting area and a few fold up chairs, there was a carpet that was blatantley made in the 60's by someone who was tripping off acid and it was making me squint, causing my face to adopt the appearence of some backwards mong from the hills of West Virginia .
There were trophys lining the wall and potted plants everywhere which made me feel like I was in Jurassic Park.

Behind the counter was a fat sweaty ginger haired woman who wore glasses which had to be atleast 6 inches thick, she was wearing a purple t-shirt with the words "Do me" on which immediatley made me feel underdressed.

"Can i help you?" she said looking up at me, "I'm Isabella Swan," i informed her, and saw the immediate awareness light her speccy little eyes. I was expected, a topic of gossip no doubt. Daughter of Chief Ducks flighty ex-wife has come home at last.
"Of course" she said. She dug around her desk drawers and presented me with a folder "this is your schedule and a map of the school, "now **** off!".

I scurried off immediatly.

I was to head straight to class but first i needed to find a bathroom to wipe up my orgasm, Henry had really done some damage...It was totally worth it though. I looked at the clock on my phone, it was three minutes untill class began. I had to be quick, one swift wipe then off to class.

After cleaning up my orgasm i exited the bathroom and walked along the corridor to my first lesson. The walls were the colour of a hangover turd, you know the ones with a kind of shiney greyish film on them. There was art work which had to have be done in the dark or by someone who was blindfolded, i assumed it must have been painted by the special class.

I felt my breathing gradually creeping toward hyperventilation as i approached the door. I tried holding my breath as i followed two unisex raincoats through it. The classroom was small. The people infront of me stopped to hang up their coats on a long row of hooks, i copied them, I took off my nipple clamps and hung up my bottle top hat. They were two girls, one a platinum blonde who's hair was so wirey it looked like she may have had Lukhemia and the other was pale like a dead person with ugly brown hair that looked like she had just woken up in a ditch full of ****. Atleast i wasn't the ugliest person in the room i thought to myself and chuckled.

HAHAHAHA. (people turn and stare)

I took the folder that fat receptionist lady had given me and handed it to the teacher, a tall, balding man with hairy fingers and a mitten on one hand. "Is that your wanking mitten" i joked. "Excuse me" he replied, "Erm...ah..I was told to give you this". I looked down at a name plate on his desk, Mr Mason, my eyes travelled further down towards his crotch area where i could see the outline of a perfectly formed semi in his tartan trousers. He gawked at me when he saw my name--not an encouraging response--and ofcourse i blushed to the colour of a period. But atleast he sent me to an empty desk in the back without introducing me to the class. I thought maybe he didnt want people to notice me, that way it would be easier for him to bend me over his desk after class and treat me like the dirty girl that i am.

I kept my eyes down on the reading list the teacher gave me. It was failry basic: Bronte, Shakespeare, Chaucer, Faulkner. I'd already read everything because im amazing and really really intelligent.

When the bell rang a tall, lanky boy with pussey zits on his face and black hair that was so greasy you could have cardiac arrest by just looking at it, came accross the isle to talk to me. "You're Isabella Swan, Aren't you?" He looked like the kind of guy whos overly helpful and kind but really you just know he wants to chain you up and insert random objects into your vagina.

"Bella," i corrected. Everyone within a three seat radius turned to look at me. "Where's your next class?" he asked. I had to check in my bag, "Hold this" i said as i took out my tampons to find my folder. "Um, Government. With Jefferson in building six." There was nowhere to look without people undressing me with their eyes.

"Im headed toward building four, i could show you the way..."
Definitely an object thruster i thought to myself.

"Im Eric," he added. I smiled like a gave a ****. "So this must be alot different to the ghetto, huh?" he asked."Very" i replied. He asked why i wasn't tanned as the ghetto was well known for being sunny, i thought this was a bit racist but i humoured him and told him that my mother was a polar bear.

He looked afraid.

"Well good luck" he said as i touched the handle to my new class "Maybe we'll have some other classes together". I think i scared him off.

I took my seat and ruffled through my bag to find a pencil. A girl walked by and sat down next to me, she was short, like a dwarf or a munchkin from The Wizard Of Oz. She asked me how i was liking Crick and even though i wanted to tell her i hated it and would rather fist my grandmothers pussy than live there i feared i may offend her, so i just nodded and said "Yeah, its nice". She had wild, curly dark hair and i had suspicions she may have had drugs hidden in there or even my tampons which had mysteriously vanished from my bag. I was in no place to make accusations though, she was the only person talking to me so i just let her ramble on as i nodded my head politely, but this wasn't over.

After class she invited me to have lunch with her. Was she a lesbian? I thought to myself.

We sat down at a table in the cafeteria and she introduced me to her friends, i noticed Eric waving at me like a spastic from accross the room. I pretty much forgot their names as soon as they told me.

It was there, trying to make awkward conversation with seven ugly strangers that i noticed them sitting in the far corner of the cafeteria. There were five of them, They weren't talking and they weren't eating. I thought that maybe they had anorexia and where to weak to talk or maybe they were statues.

Anorexia seemed the most likely option seeing as it was the in thing at that moment in time.

They were all so beautiful, and looked much older than the rest of the students. I asked dwarf girl next to me who they were and one of them, a boy, who had a big quiff and looked like he was wearing blusher, immediatley looked at her, then his dark eyes flickered to mine. By now i was dripping wet, i feared he wasn't interested, he had no expression to his face and he looked away in a flash. My neighbour who by now i had learned was called Jessica giggled with embaressment, looking at the table like i did.

"That's Edward and Emmett Cullen, Rosalie and Jasper snail and thats Alice Cullen; they all live together with Dr. Cullen and his wife" She said this under her breath and sounded a little bit like Batman which i thought was kind of weird.

I glanced sideways like a crab at the beautiful boy, who was looking down at his crotch, his perfect lips barely opening, my lips were opening to. The other four looked away but i felt that he was speaking to them. "They dont look related" i said.

"Oh they're not, Dr. Cullen is in his twenties or early thirties, they're all adopted" said Jessica.

I tried not to laugh.

I held it together, i didnt want to blow this...I just wanted to blow Edward. I wanted his big throbbing man candy in my mouth. "How come i dont remember them?" i asked. "They only moved down here from Alaska two years back".



More to come.
........

Last edited by daniel-lewis-1985; 25-01-2013 at 04:03 PM.
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Old 25-01-2013, 03:50 PM #2
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Old 25-01-2013, 05:34 PM #3
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