[Ninastar]

Basically, I'm not doing too well at all. For just over a week now, I've been crying myself to sleep at night. I'm stressed. I have to make a choice between living with my dad and his awful GF in America or live with my alcoholic mum in the UK. I don't know what to do. I miss the states so much it hurts. I want to live there more than anything, but I don't know if I can handle living with someone who is determined to make my life hell... I went out for my sisters Bday meal the other day and she handed me a bill of over £1000 worth of money I apparently owe them to do with my care. She said she wasn't going to eat anything at my sisters birthday meal because they couldn't afford it, when I know she sends money and presents to her kids in the states literally every single week.

I went to work yesterday and was so stressed out and upset that they told me I needed to go to the doctors (lol)... I had the worst headache I've ever had in my life and when I got to the doctors, the doctor was the most unhelpful pratt i've ever met. I told him (whilst crying) how stressed and different I've become and he literally said 'Oh, that's not good' and handed me a prescription for some migraine tablets and sent me on my way.

I've made this thread to ask for advice on how to make the right choice? How do you make such a life changing decision? I feel like I'm losing it. I'm angry and I hardly laugh anymore. Is there anything I can do to make the decision easier? As much as I dont get on with my parents, I wouldn't want to live without either of them in my life. I don't think people realise how hard this is.

[Smithy]

That's honestly such a ****ty situation

If I were you I'd try and help your mum first, because if you chose to live with your dad and something happened to her, you'd probably be racked with guilt, whereas helping your mum and then moving to the U.S. is always an option (?)

Is there no way you can get some space and maybe rent a flat with friends just so that you have some you space and neither of your parents are stressing you out to the point of being ill?

[LukeB]

What does your heart tell you? Will you be more happy with your mother or in the states?
I think you should do pros and cons for each choice.

[Denver]

Only you can decide what's best for you however maybe your mum needs your help and you can help her of the alcohol.

[Pete.]

If your heart lies with the states I would recommend going to the states, even if the woman is an awful bitch because you will find some source of happiness being back there with your dad, but this really is a bad situation and I hope you make a decision that is best for you.

You can always ask Wendy Williams ofc

[AnnieK]

Oh Caitlin, this really is an awful situation. If you leave and go to the Sates does your mum have someone to care for her / keep an eye on her? How does she feel about you leaving.?

In the states will you have other family / support nearby or will you be stuck with this horrendous woman until you meet people etc?

After losing my mum relatively young and so quickly I would say, do what feels right for you. You only live once and you have to be selfish sometimes.

[Kyle]

Your happiness is ultimately your top priority, if you can't stomach living here instead of Stateside then you are well within your right to follow your heart.

On the subject of your mum, is there any other family around that will be able to check in on your mum? (if she needs it of course).

It does sound like a bit of a sticky situation, hey I don't know if this will help but have you tried making a list of the advantages and disadvanges of either choice? Even if it doesn't settle your mind it might at least be cathartic, I dunno it's just a thought you will make the right decision in the end I know it!

Heres something you should do though if you stay here in the UK, ditch that C U Next Thursday of a GP and ask for one that's an actual proper human being.

[Shaun]

From what I've heard from you yourself it sounds like your other sister (who I assume has no desire (yet) to go Stateside too) is responsible and a pretty good person who could stay here and look after your mum... I don't know the severity of your mum's condition because every time I've heard her she sounded quite normal and fun and nice and everything but obviously that's not even a hundredth of a real reflection of her lol, but I think you're maybe giving yourself a lot of guilt and responsibility and duties that you don't really need to do, to stop you from going transatlantic and being happy?

Obviously 'the bitch' would be a problem if you do go there (and I do advise you do if it makes you happy) but I would assume you'd eventually find your own place to live anyway and wouldn't have to deal with her for too long? And a lot of the problems you've said about her interfering and putting distance between you and your father would surely dissolve a little if you were actually there and could talk to him and be honest without any lost-in-translation or miscommunications.

But yeah ultimately I think most of your stress stems from trying to be the best person to as many people as possible and ultimately that's impossible. It should never be your job to keep the family together and keep everyone sane and safe, and ultimately they're just making you unhappy anyway, so you need to do what you want for a change.

[Cherie]

Where ever you go do you have to live with either of them? You could flat share so you have some control over your own life

[Ninastar]

thanks guys, ill respond to you individually in a bit, i'm just tired right now

[jennyjuniper]

As an alcoholic myself (dry for over 20 years) I'm about to offer some advice which may sound cruel and heartless to some. Alcoholics are totally selfish and self absorbed when they are drinking and while people mean well when they say help your mum to stop drinking, only she can do that and it's only her responsibility not yours.
Help for children and family of alcoholics can be had from AA. They can support you and give you good advice.
If you want to go to the States then go, but live by yourself then you don't have to put up with your dads girlfriend.
Good luck and do what's best for you not anyone else.

[Ninastar]

Originally Posted by jennyjuniper

As an alcoholic myself (dry for over 20 years) I'm about to offer some advice which may sound cruel and heartless to some. Alcoholics are totally selfish and self absorbed when they are drinking and while people mean well when they say help your mum to stop drinking, only she can do that and it's only her responsibility not yours.
Help for children and family of alcoholics can be had from AA. They can support you and give you good advice.
If you want to go to the States then go, but live by yourself then you don't have to put up with your dads girlfriend.
Good luck and do what's best for you not anyone else.

Even if my mum changed, I'm not sure I'd still want to live here. I've tried for years to get her to stop drinking and she just doesn't want to. Ill keep trying though. Thank you <3

[Mokka]

Originally Posted by Chaos

Even if my mum changed, I'm not sure I'd still want to live here. I've tried for years to get her to stop drinking and she just doesn't want to. Ill keep trying though. Thank you <3

I tried for years with my dad hon... It was ok and fine that I did when I was on my own, and I have no regrets, but when I had my daughter, I drew a line in the sand. The years of his alcoholism's negative affect on me had taken its toll and taken root, and I would not be inviting that type of abuse into my own daughters life.

But I understand how you feel about it right now. No one wants to give up on a parent, but you also need to realize as that no one is going to be looking out for your best interests any better than you can at this stage... because we all have our own lives to live in this crazy messed up world.

I think you are fabulous Caitlin, just from reading your posts on here... and what I hope for you is you find a way to forge out on your own, in which ever country you chose to live in, and that you find the balance of keeping your parents in your life without taking on their issues as your own.

I am wishing you all the best in this

[Benjamin]

Originally Posted by Smithy

Is there no way you can get some space and maybe rent a flat with friends just so that you have some you space and neither of your parents are stressing you out to the point of being ill?

This. I think it sounds like you either need to go back to the USA and rent or rent here with friends/shared accommodation and have your own space away from it all.

[Ross.]

I don't have much else to add to what everyone else has already said, but I'll say that you should go with your heart and do what will make you happy now and in the long run, as that's the most important thing. I do hope that your mum gets better soon and you hopefully won't need to deal with the horrendous step mum for long if you get your own place etc if you decide to go to the states. I'm always here if you want to talk Caitlin.

[T*]

Because i've never really had a situation like this and I agree with most things mentioned, all I can say is that i wish you luck and happiness, it'll most likely get better

[Gstar]

The biggest decision you need to make right now is airing your feelings about your dads girlfriend, but I mean, the proper way. I think you should write a list of basically everything she has done in an attempt to tear your family apart (don't type it, take the time and effort to manually write it out, there is a lot more feeling behind it this way) Get everybody together (apart from your mum and don't let her know that you're doing this) and read out the list and give reasons behind everything. It should start with something like: "Okay, before you try and suspect anything I have solely took it upon myself to do this without the influence of anyone" and just read out everything you wrote, even the things that are tricky to say, it needs to be aired. Also you should state that NO ONE is allowed to interrupt you whilst reading out the list, they will all get a fair chance to have a say afterwards (this will confirm that your sister had nothing to do with it and it's not both of you trying to gang up on the GF)

You should bring up the doctors incident and your general well being (as tricky as it might be, but don't forget, this is your family) you should also air you opinions on what you've been saying on here to her irl, obviously not any name calling or swearing, but just the ones where it's like "what was your reasoning of doing that other than making _____ upset", you need to put her into a box and block out any possible way of her making an emotional escape. You need to let your feelings be heard and you need to be adamant on the non interrupting rule.

The current situation seems to be the main problem and you must get rid of that before anything, if you move to America without voicing your opinions it will be like adding tons of paper on a burning cigarette, slowly but surely the problems will arise again. Believe it or not there are some people in this world who are so incredibly stubborn that they actually live in their own little world and think that everything they do and say is right. I've had to live with someone like that and trust me it's the most frustrating thing ever, especially when your personality is the complete opposite.

My moral on life: We're all too blessed to be stressed

[Ninastar]

Wow, thank you... That was beautiful! Thanks, I'll definitely do something like that before I go. My dad needs to know.

[Vanessa]

I think you could flat share. Seems like a good idea to me.