[LeatherTrumpet]

I just dont get it?

if someone tells you they are upset or nervous or some such thing its natural to analyse the situation to identify just what they mean and try and find solutions but it seems they just want you to say aaaw and hug them or some such thing??

How does that work?



is it a girl thing?

[Toy Soldier]

It is "a boy / girl thing", yes, but that's not to say that one is inherently better than the other. It's also thought to be partly biological / instinctual. Obviously it's more complicated than this but here are the basics;

Primitive human social groups would only have a couple of very basic major threats. Actual physical threats like predators / rival groups, and subsistence threats like lacking food, water or shelter. Thanks to us being mammals, infant humans were always the primary responsibility of the females (because milk). So, in these situations, the females would care for the young and stop them from panicking, while the males would attempt to deal with the threat or solve the subsistence problem. Obviously these are BOTH essential roles in the survival of the group.

But the emotional state required for each is very different. Thus, in times of high stress, males are biologically "programmed" to enter a fight-or-flight state of high activity and can be near-obsessively inclined to want to "solve the problem" (or else Cave-family dies)... whereas women are more likely to seek comfort in an attempt to maintain emotional stability in order to protect the offspring (or else Cave-family dies).


Of course neither extreme works in a modern context because our problems are very rarely immediate physical threat or starvation. They're complex, many-layered problems that require both patience and stability AND a drive to solve the problem. Being driven to attempt to solve the problem "immediately" is a huge contributor to anxiety and stress in a lot of men, because most of these problems (say financial issues, or legal issues etc.) CAN'T be immediately solved and require a lot of waiting around "waiting to hear" and not taking any decisive action... which in our primitive monkey brains sits there as an "unresolved threat", keeping the adrenaline and fight-or-flight response primed, which it just isn't supposed to be over extended periods of time, and can cause high blood pressure, adrenal fatigue and anxiety disorders.

[LeatherTrumpet]

and this why we die earlier?

[Niamh.]

I would say I'm a solution finder which annoys my daughter because she never seems to want a solution, she just wants to complain about stuff

[LeatherTrumpet]

I have learned with my daughters to try and say "and how did that make you feel?" and then let them go off on one


But I have not yet mastered this with the TL

[Niamh.]

Originally Posted by LeatherTrumpet

I have learned with my daughters to try and say "and how did that make you feel?" and then let them go off on one


But I have not yet mastered this with the TL

mmm I mean I do notice differences with my son and daughter, he's definitely more looking for solutions rather than comfort but then he's very like me personality wise and I'm female so I wonder is it actually an in built thing in girls/women or is it a result of social conditioning?

[Cherie]

Originally Posted by Niamh.

I would say I'm a solution finder which annoys my daughter because she never seems to want a solution, she just wants to complain about stuff

Lets hope she and my eldest son never get together, talk about glass half empty

[Niamh.]

Originally Posted by Cherie

Lets hope she and my eldest son never get together, talk about glass half empty

[Toy Soldier]

Originally Posted by Niamh.

mmm I mean I do notice differences with my son and daughter, he's definitely more looking for solutions rather than comfort but then he's very like me personality wise and I'm female so I wonder is it actually an in built thing in girls/women or is it a result of social conditioning?

Well that's the age-old debate I suppose, how much is nature and how much is social conditioning. Although I'm inclined to think that the two are more interwoven than is often thought, and also that it doesn't necessarily matter so long as individual differences are taken into account and people aren't judged for them... there will be plenty of examples of women seeking solutions and men seeking comfort, I don't think either is "wrong" or "better" so I guess it's just about assessing the situation at the time.

I'm also inclined to think that what people are seeking and what will actually help is not always the same thing, and that goes both ways. People seeking comfort when they would actually feel better if they actively did something (e.g. avoiding an official phonecall when getting it out of the way in 5 minutes would have you feeling better in 10), but also people obsessing and overthinking when what they really need to do is just vent to someone and feel like someone is listening and gives a ****, even if there's nothing to be done immediately.

I manage to be guilty of both

[Beastie]

If it's to do with a cute dog I will say aww. **** it if it's about kids.

[Livia]

Originally Posted by Niamh.

I would say I'm a solution finder which annoys my daughter because she never seems to want a solution, she just wants to complain about stuff

Sounds perfectly reasonable to me.....

[Niamh.]

Originally Posted by Toy Soldier

Well that's the age-old debate I suppose, how much is nature and how much is social conditioning. Although I'm inclined to think that the two are more interwoven than is often thought, and also that it doesn't necessarily matter so long as individual differences are taken into account and people aren't judged for them... there will be plenty of examples of women seeking solutions and men seeking comfort, I don't think either is "wrong" or "better" so I guess it's just about assessing the situation at the time.

I'm also inclined to think that what people are seeking and what will actually help is not always the same thing, and that goes both ways. People seeking comfort when they would actually feel better if they actively did something (e.g. avoiding an official phonecall when getting it out of the way in 5 minutes would have you feeling better in 10), but also people obsessing and overthinking when what they really need to do is just vent to someone and feel like someone is listening and gives a ****, even if there's nothing to be done immediately.

I manage to be guilty of both

It is an interesting topic and certainly one that shouldn't just be put into a female or male box as we are all individuals. I suppose I'm curious about the social conditioning aspect because I would say I have more "male" tendencies when it comes to this subject and I do wonder is that just the way I was born or are my inclinations more male because I grew up with 3 brothers and no sisters and so I followed the "male" way rather than the female? Like growing up I certainly noticed a difference in how I was treated by people to how my brothers were and it used to really annoy me, and I think I over compensated by trying to "out boy" my brothers, for example I was always the one who did the "male" things, change light bulbs & plugs, flat packing etc etc

Yes I agree with your second paragraph aswell, It is pretty frustrating when you're trying to give a solution to a problem and the other person just won't do it and carries on complaining when you know if they just did that thing they would feel so much better

[Niamh.]

Originally Posted by Livia

Sounds perfectly reasonable to me.....

[bitontheslide]

awwwwww

[LeatherTrumpet]

Its like a text that says "i need a hug"

i mean wtaf is that?

How do you respond?




disclaimer: I am talking generally here and not about my lovely texts what I get

[Niamh.]

Originally Posted by LeatherTrumpet

Its like a text that says "i need a hug"

i mean wtaf is that?

How do you respond?




disclaimer: I am talking generally here and not about my lovely texts what I get

Actually my son says that alot but just cos he likes hugs really

[Josy]

My initial reply to absolutely everything tends to be '**** sake'

[montblanc]

Originally Posted by Niamh.

I would say I'm a solution finder which annoys my daughter because she never seems to want a solution, she just wants to complain about stuff

ugh i try not to do this but sometimes in the moment you just want to complain and be miserable it’s so weird

[Marsh.]

Originally Posted by LeatherTrumpet

Its like a text that says "i need a hug"

i mean wtaf is that?

How do you respond?




disclaimer: I am talking generally here and not about my lovely texts what I get

Give them a hug?

[RileyH]

I want a hug

[Marsh.]

Originally Posted by RileyH

I want a hug

You don't deserve one.

[montblanc]

Originally Posted by Marsh.

You don't deserve one.

yes he does it’s his birthday

[Ant.]

Originally Posted by montblanc

yes he does it’s his birthday

Shakespeare died on his birthday. Him being born a few years ago today means **** all!

[Toy Soldier]

Originally Posted by LeatherTrumpet

Its like a text that says "i need a hug"

i mean wtaf is that?

How do you respond?




disclaimer: I am talking generally here and not about my lovely texts what I get

Well hugs release oxytocin so they are really saying that they want to use you to GET HIGH. You should say "I am worried about you, hug junkie! No hugs for you! Cold turkey!"

[LeatherTrumpet]

Originally Posted by Toy Soldier

Well hugs release oxytocin so they are really saying that they want to use you to GET HIGH. You should say "I am worried about you, hug junkie! No hugs for you! Cold turkey!"

hmmm

so "of fer feck sake get a grip" is not ideal?