[Sticks]

During the course of the evening, a glint in the lawn next to the kit car catches Helen's eye. As Bowden is in his cot and Paul is catching up stories with Stuart, Helen goes to investigate.

As she bends down to investigate and picks up a diamond peg like object, a wave of nausia hits her.

After a moment she recovers. But things seem different.

The car they are building, is now a motorboat.

An elderly woman approaches her from the house.

"I thought you were.." she starts

Helen is confused, "You are "

The lady is surprised at Helen's lack of recognition, "I'm Anne, the eleventh housemate, after you were evicted"

"What, I thought it was Penny out first, and it was Josh who came in"

"No , afraid not, Natasha scored more votes than him. I'm surprised they let you out of the hospital after what Big G's friend did to you with that bottle, I hear Big G punched his lights out" Anne told Helen

Helen finds this hard to take in and sits on the grass, to avoid feinting. By now she had a horrible headache.

Suddenly everything freezes, ecept for Josh as he seems to come out from the darkness

"Josh? " she mouths

"I am afraid not, I can not tell you my name. I appear as Josh so you will not be alarmed. You have been a victim of a Quantum Redistributer weapon"

"A what ??" Helen asks, still dazed and confused.

"It is an illegal device, it sends its victims to alternate realities, you are lucky we found you quickly so we have a fix on where you should be"

"Can I go back please" Helen asked as tears welled up in her eyes.

"It will be a while we are working on the re-entry device, it will be a special pogo stick. You must return to your reality, or you will be as the Helen of this reality."

Helen's eyes widen "what happened to her ?"

The Josh like creature turned his head and seemed to be holding a conversation with someone in the darkness. He then turned back to her and in a sad voice told her "She just passed away. A week or so after she was evicted, for some reason she was struck on the head by a bottle and has been in a coma. She never regained consciousness"

Helen was stunned, she never understood alternative universes. Elizabeth had mentioned them before, but it was over her head. She also had the impression that Elizabeth had been struggling to understand it herself.

The Josh figure bent down. "I have little time to maintain a freeze on time in this reality, so I have to brief you on this universe

"You went out first

Penny went up against Stuart the next week, and Stuart narrowly was evicted.

Then Penny went up against Narinder and Penny went

Anne went up against Brian, and Brian walked

Anne went up against Elizabeth and Anne walked

Amma went up against Paul and Amma went

Paul went up against Narinda and Paul Walked

On the Thursday shock eviction, Dean went

Narinda came third, Bubble second, and Elizabeth came first

After Big Brother Paul and Penny tied up, but they are not married yet. There is no Bowden"

"What happens now" Helen Wispered.

"I will go, and return with the pogo stick to take you back to your reality. You must try and interact with these housemates. Tell them nothing"

"Helen are you all right" came the familiar voice of Brian, "you phased out their"

"Oh Brian, it was awful"

"Yes I know, I had no idea you were out the hospital"

"Huh?"

"Anne is fixing up a supper, I bet Paul and Penny are still snoggin in the den, how rude"

Helen could not believe what was happening, why had someone sent her here, how would she ever get back to her Paul. She wanted to cry, but did not dare.

She entered the house, even this seemed different.

The rest of the housemates were surprised to see her, but it was time for a supper of.....

[Feefs]

Oh dear, I'm getting confused again.

Sticks, your parallel universe ideas are very interesting to read, but unfortunately very hard to join in with. Obviously we need a little artistic licence when putting together our interactive story, but can I be boring and ask that we stick to the one 'reality' for a little bit longer? Interactive stories are great because of the diversity of writing styles and influences, but can go a bit wonky when any individual changes the direction of the whole story in a single post. Apart from confusing simple souls such as myself, it can be alienating to less confident posters.

Sticks - any chance of turning the above into some kind of dream sequence or scary story told by Dean? I preferred Anne to slimy Josh, but it's probably easier for us all to write about who we know.

[Mark]

The rest of the housemates were surprised to see her, but it was time for a supper of.....

Chicken and vegetables....

"This is getting boring now Dean, I don't like it when you make up stories, espeically when I don't understand a word of them" Said Helen

"Oh I was quite enjoying it" replied Penny

"Well you would, Mr.Clarke is mine OK" With that Helen walked off with Bowden.

Dean looked at the group and told them how he always dreamed of an alternate reality and thought Helen was a good person to use. He then started to talk about other realities, and everyone walked off except Elizabeth. Her and Dean were chatting for a good few hours.

"This is Big Brother - would someone please come to the diary room"

Helen put down Bowden in the den and ran straight to the diary room, she pressed the button and entered.

BB: Hello Helen

H: Hello Big Brother!

BB: Helen tomorrow morning at 10am we will be playing you video clips of your family on the TV screen. You have the choice if you want to watch it - please can you tell the others if they.....

Helen immediatly rushed out the diary room and left the door open "BOWDEN - IVE LEFT BOWDEN IN THE DEN ALONE"
She rushed downstairs - through the garden and opened the door of the den to find that.........

[Sticks]

Originally posted by Feefs
Oh dear, I'm getting confused again.

I thought it would help stretch creativity with a what if. What if Helen had gone out first...

I even set up a way for people to reset things with out resorting to the "It was a dream" gambit, i.e the soon arrival of the magic pogo stick, to pogo stick back to our reality. (Remember when the real Helen in the School yard task persevered with the pogo stick ?)

(Sorry Mark for breach of protocol)

[Romantic Old Bird]

.............she ran into the den to find to her great relief that Bowden was lying fast asleep in his Daddy's arms.

'It's alright babe, don't worry! I've got him. He's fine, he's absolutley fine!' said Paul.

'Oh Paul, I was so scared then. How could I leave him, even for a minute. He's just a helpless little baby, oh love him! Only Dean told me this awful story, and then I had to go and see Big Brother............'

'Helen, Helen, it's fine. I saw what happened, and he's my baby as well you know. We're in this thing together, girl, Mummy and Dddy, for better or worse' said Paul reassuringly, putting Bowden down gently on the floor, and hugging Helen.

'I'm so hopeless Paul. I sometimes wonder why you bothered with me in the first place'. she said.

'That's easy. One, you are amazing, two it was meant to be, and three, and this is the most important reason, right, you fancied me and YOU decided we would be together!' said Paul laughing.

'Paul Clarke! Anyone would think I was ugly or something!' said Helen

'Whereas we all know you are blond and look alright-ish!!' said Paul.

'Shaddup!' shouted Helen, causing Bowden to stir. 'Sorry baby, sorry Paul. Listen, I've got to go back into the Diary Room now, I just ran out in the middle of talking to Big Brother. He said something about me seeing video clips of the family, but I'm scared to go without you'

'Clips of the family? That's cool!
Remember we've just got one family now Helen!' said Paul. Don't be scared babe, we'll all go back in the house together, and I'll wait outside the Diary Room with Bowden'

'Thankyou. Big hug before we go back in?' said Helen

'Alright, come here, mmmmmmm, there you go, now let's go in' said Paul, carrying his son and leading his wife gently back into the house'

'Hello you three!' called Brian

'Oh Bri, I thought I'd left Bowden on his own there!' said Helen, disappearing into the Diary Room.

'Paul, you'll have to watch her, it's the fire task all over again!' said Narinder.

'Listen, it's as much his responsibility as hers' said Amma

'That's right Amma, and it's a responsibility I'm happy to take!' said Paul

'I can see those two are still going to have problems' whispered Brian to Narinder.

'Mmm, I think you're right. Now enough of them and their smelly, noisy little brat. it's so boring! Shall we do one of our routines?' said Narinder 'I suppose we'll have to do it on the patio to avoid waking 'Bowden'. Come on then, what shall we do?'

Brian stood and thought for a moment.'How about...................

[Kaz]

… ‘You can make me whole again’ by Atomic Kitten? I love the Kittens, and they were really really sweet to me when I performed with them. They were singing ‘Brian you’re the one, you can turn me on ….”

“Oh go on and rub it in” moaned Naz. “You never thought to take me along with you, did you? You know how much I love to go to events like that where everyone will see me and think ‘I love that Narinder’. But no – you’re still the same me me me, I I I ….”

“Eeeeeoooowwwww … I am SO not – how ruuuude!” screeched Brian, and ran off back inside the house, leaving Naz still ranting away to herself outside on the patio.

“Hi guys ….. hey, where is everyone? What are they up to?” he asked.

“Well, Helen and Paul have retired to the den to put Bowden to sleep then play snakes and ladders, Stuart and Josh are in the gym working on their pecs, Dean and Elizabeth are discussing parallel universes in the lounge, Amma’s removing hair from intimate parts of her body, Penny’s cleaning out the chickens, and I’m standing here talking to you” quipped Bubble. “What’s Naz in such a strop about?”

“Oh Bubble, I just don’t know what to do about her” sighed Brian. “It’s really weird – I do like her, and we have great fun, but she just can’t let me do anything on my own.”

“So I take it she didn’t react well when she heard about you and I getting our own TV quiz show” grinned Bubble.

“Oh god, no – when I told her about that she nearly blew a gasket. Said she couldn’t believe they didn’t want her to be in it as well, and what sort of a name was “’Ding-Dong Demons’ anyway” replied Brian.

“Tough – she’ll just have to get over it” Bubble said. “Anyway, what’s wrong with the name? I say ‘ding dong’ if a contestant gets a question right and you shout ‘demons’ if they get it wrong. It’s quality!! And it’s great that Dean will be writing the theme tune too.”

“Well, might as well go to bed then” Brian yawned. “Yep, me too” said Bubble “I’ve got to get up bright and early to make the porridge before we crack on with the car. We like this task – we like it a lot.”

And so, as Brian and Bubble headed for the boys’ bedroom, all that could be heard was….

… rrrrrrrrip – owwwwwww … from the girl’s bedroom
… mutter mutter … rollin, rollin … what about me … from the patio
… come on, darlings – go to bed for Aunty Penny … from the garden
… puff … just another 50 sit-ups … pant …. then 50 bench presses … from the gym
… blah blah blah .... d'you know what I mean Dean? …Dean, are you still awake? .... from the lounge
… “Rock a bye baby in the den” as Paul & Helen quietly duetted a lullaby to Bowden.

…. As another day drew to a close in the Charity Big Brother House.

Next morning ……

[LEE]

… for once all of the housemates were up bright and early and having breakfast in the kitchen, all apart from Stuart who everyone assumed was in the shower. It was ‘task day’ and they knew that, even though Paul had been doing really well with the car, because of all the arguments about who was in charge they were still running behind schedule and they were anxious to get started.

‘It’s lush out there, I think I’m gonna put Bowden into his pram on the patio’ Helen said and wandered outside with the baby.

‘Guys!’ Helen shouted from outside. ‘I may not know much about cars, but it looks finished to me!’

‘What Babe, it can’t be!’ shouts Paul as the others head towards the patio doors to investigate.

Standing in the middle of the garden is an immaculate red and chrome sports car, which certainly looked finished.



‘What the……’ Dean says and heads over to the car with an amazed look on his face.

Suddenly from the far side of the car a clanking noise can be heard, followed a few seconds later by Stuarts head appearing from behind the boot.

‘Finished’ he said, throwing the spanner back into the tool box next to him and standing back obviously very proud of his handy work. ‘What do you think?’

‘Stuart’ yelled Brian ‘That’s evil! You must have been up all night’.

‘I couldn’t sleep so I thought I would do something useful.’

Everyone looked impressed apart from Paul who was feeling a bit put out as he had really been looking forward to finishing off the car.

‘I thought we were gonna have to work so hard today’, Josh said with a grin on his face, ‘now all I’ve got to do is top up my tan!’

Paul wondered over to the car and started to inspect it. Suddenly he started to laugh..

‘Wicked. I mean I know I wanted to finish it, but you done a cool job and it means I can spend more time with Bowden, so that’s cool.’

‘This is Big Brother. Could all housemates please go back into the house while we send in an engineer to inspect the car.’

All the housemates head back into the house and Stuart goes off to have a shower.

‘I thought you’d be really annoyed with Stuart.’ Josh said to Paul, ‘After all you wanted to finish the car didn’t you?’

‘I was at first, but like, well… it’s not worth it is it mate? After all it’s all for charity and Stu did do a cartastic job on it.’

Naz and Brian had wondered off into the lounge talking quietly to each other. ‘I wonder what that pair are up to,’ Bubble said and sneaked off after them to see if he could overhear what was going on………

[Mairi]

Brian and Naz had gone straight through the lounge and into the bedroom. When Bubble caught up with them they were both sitting on Brian’s bed looking through an enormous Encyclopaedia Brittanica. Brian was telling Naz “Africa is the second largest continent, you know. I must have a talk with Dean later about its economy and geology. I’ve been doing loads of swatting since I left the Big Brother house”.

“Did you bring the Encyclopaedia as one of your luxury items?” Bubble asked Brian. “Yes, and the Tai Chi book that Dean brought me for Christmas, love him, and my new backgammon set”. Brian got off the bed. He was wearing a T shirt with a picture of Paddy on it. “I’ve also been going for lots of long walks in the country”. He reached into his suitcase and produced a packet of dairylea. He offered some to Naz and Bubble and they both took a piece.

“It was really good of Big Brother to let us bring in that extra suitcase of luxury items” Bubble said. “I just managed to fit all my hats in it”. He opened his suitcase and soon two of the double beds were completely covered in hats. “What did you bring in as your luxury items, Naz?” he asked.......................

[BigSister]

Oh i brought all the same things as before. Narinder said.

Brian and Bubble left the room

Helen and paul were having some time to themselves as Bowden was asleep. Suddenly Big brother voice said Paul come to the diary room. after five minutes Paul came out

Guys we have a reward challange Paul said

Oh lush said Helen what is it

[Romantic Old Bird]

'OK, listen everyone, we've got a mini-task here and it's a blinder!' said Paul. 'Here's the deal...'

'Is it the best and possibly the most exciting task ever, by any chance Paul?' asked Brian

Paul, laughing, replied

'It is mate, it is, you got it! Seriously, what we've got to do, right, is, we've got to hold a Big Brother cluedo! This is so cool!

Each of us has got to go into the diary room and find out what to do!'

Paul looks up at the rest of the group expectantly, and is surprised to find that not all of them look quite as excited as he feels about it.

'C'mon you guys, it will be Sherlock Holmes-tastic! ' he said, trying to instill a little enthusiasm into the group.

'Can I be the victim please Paul? I just cannot be bothered with it at all' said Brian, sulkily.

'Only if I get to play the murderer!' said Josh.

'I suppose I could be Moriarty, the master criminal...' said Dean, finding himself interested, despite his better judgement.

'What's in it for us?' asked Narinder 'I mean, if we've got to act like morons, at least the reward should be worth having!'

'Listen, all our roles are gonna be decided by chance. We've got to put all the character names in a hat, and pick one to find out who we are. The victim is already decided Brian. It's our original 11th housemate, the stuffed doll', said Paul.

'Paddy can be the Hound of the Baskervilles, can't he Paul!' said Helen, laughing. 'Bless his little cotton socks, love him!'

'No H, there no hound in this story I don't think!. Anyway, the reward for solving the mystery by tomorrow morning is amazing! We gotta do it!' said Paul, positively bouncing with excitement.

'What is it? For God's sake Paul, just tell us!' said Amma

' Now, don't take this the wrong way, but please don't take the Lord's name in vain Amma'. said Penny

'Paul, if you don't tell us what the reward is, I will have to commit a violent act, which is something to which I am diametrically opposed in principle' said Dean.

'Every act of violence is committed as the result of a fundamental failure in communication' said Elizabeth, nodding her agreement.

'I feel there has to be someone willing to take a leadership role in this instance, and I am not afraid to step forward.' said Stuart. 'I am used to working in a heirarchical structure, and I am used to telling people what to do'

'Well, you can leave my hat out of it Paul!' said Bubble.


'WILL - YOU - ALL - SHUT - UP - AND - LET - ME - TELL - YOU - WHAT- THE - FLAMING - REWARD - IS?' shouted Paul, just as everyone went quiet.


'Paul Clarke, I swear!' said Helen, admiringly. 'You never cease to amaze me!'

'H, please, everyone listen. If we solve it, the Beckhams have promised to donate a week of their wages to the charity of our choice. Now even you have to admit that is absolutely brilliant!' said Paul

'Who are the Beckham's?' asked Elizabeth. 'And I don't see what is so marvellous about that, just a couple of hundred pounds I imagine. Commendable of course, but hardly life changing'.

The group looked at her in quiet disbelief.

'Do you have any idea how much these people earn in a week?' asked Dean

'More than Birmingham City take at the gate in a year Dean!' quipped Bubble.

'Should I know them?' asked Elizabeth, feigning disinterest to cover her slight unease at Dean's apparent disapproval.


'HOUSEMATES ARE REMINDED THAT THEY HAVE 5 MINUTES LEFT IN WHICH TO DECIDE WHO IS FIRST INTO THE DIARY ROOM' Boomed big brother.

After snatching Bubble's hat from his head, names are hurriedly put in, and the group find out who they are to be.

'CAN INSPECTOR BRAVO PLEASE COME TO THE DIARY ROOM?' asked Big Brother.

'Thats me!' said Helen, passing Bowden to Paul, and running giggling to the diary room.

After the diary room door closes, the team look at each other in disbelief.

'Well, we've lost it!' said Dean.

'Perhaps if we all work together to support her'. said Penny.

'We can't actually do that, because one of us is the murderer, and we have to stay in character' said Elizabeth.

'Oh my God, we have no chance what-so-ever!' said Narinder

'That is so unfair. Helen has a great deal of common sense' said Amma

'She's an absolute Star, mate' said Paul.

'Who is?' said Helen, leaving the diary room, and running back over to take Bowden back from Paul.

'You are babe. you're the best!' said Paul.

'Am I Paul? Am I your best girl?' she asked, cuddling up to him.

'Bloody amazing, babe. Love you!' said Paul, leaning over to kiss her.

'Oh, Paul, you are so lush...' murmured Helen

'Excuse me, Helen, but don't you have something to tell us?' asked Elizabeth, somewhat curtly, as the rest of the group
moaned at the now all too familiar sight of the couple canoodling.

'For God's sake, someone, save the baby! They're going to crush him between them!'
shouted Brian, rather dramatically.

'We wouldn't do that to our Bowden, would we Paul? Sorry, I just can't help myself with Mr Clarke you know - he's so lovely!

Oh yes, Big Brother wants the vicar to go in now.

'That'll be me then!' said Brian. I am the Reverend Sermon. Do you think Father O'Rourke back home will ever forgive me?'

'You are past all hope and forgiveness Brian' said Josh. 'Now get in the Diary room!'


The process continued.

Dean was the Butler.

Josh was Joshua Fortescue, the rogueish son of the Household.

Amma was the chambermaid.

Liz was Mrs Elizabeth Prissy the cook.

Narinder was Mrs Fortescue, lady of the house and the widow of the victim.

Penny was Penelope, maiden aunt.

Stuart was the boyfriend of the victim's daughter Miss Fortescue.

Bubble was the chaffeur.

Just as they began to think it was all too neat, rather perversely, Paul found out that he was to play the daughter, who they now named Pauline.

'It's mad innit!' said Paul. 'This could be quite amusing! Can I borrow that dress again Narinder?'

'HOUSEMATES ARE REMINDED THAT THEY HAVE ONLY UNTIL 9AM TOMORROW TO SOLVE THE MYSTERY. THE BODY CAN BE FOUND IN THE JACUZZI, WITH THE AUTOPSY REPORT. CAN INSPECTOR BRAVO PLEASE READ THIS AND START TO QUESTION THE HOUSEMATES'

'Oh, OK, sorry Big Brother' said Helen.

A few minutes later, Helen returned. She looked at her fellow housemates, who for some reason all felt extremely guilty. only one of them, however, knew the truth.

'Helen will never guess!', the 'murderer' thought smugly, forgetting for the moment that the whole thing was fabricated, and that all they had to gain by not being discovered was the group losing the task.

They had to co-operate though, because if they were caught even dropping hints, Big Brother had threatened to evict them.

'Can Penny, I mean Aunt Penelope, please come to the diary room with me. I wish to ask her some questions!' said Helen.

'Oh I say, it's a fair cop!' said Penny, as they disappeared into the diary room, which now contained two chairs and a table.

The rest of the group found themselves looking at each other suspiciously.

'Now, Miss Penelope Fortescue. I understand you found the body. Tell me everything you can remember' said Inspector Helen Bravo, licking her pencil and holding her notepad ready.

'Well, I was just going out to put the chickens away, when I noticed Bubble, the chauffeur, slipping out of the den' .

'Was this unusual?' asked Inspector Bravo

'Well, I had just seen someone else leave the den before him. It was.....'

[Sticks]

Just then all the lights in the house failed, and the Diary room was plunged into darkness.

Helen gave a sudden scream as she came out of character.

Outside in the lounge Dean asked exasperatedly "Now what?"

"The instructions did not say anything about this being murder in the dark" Paul exclaimed.

"Since it is only about 11 in the morning it is hardly dark" Elizabeth reminded everyone, particularly making a stab at Paul.

Stuart checked the kitchen and discovered the power was off there. Even the light on the button to the diary room was out.

"Looks like a total power failure" he told the rest of the group.

"I remember on my travels through china" Elizabeth started.

"That reminds me of the time" Paul butted in as he started on one of his long annecdotes

Meanwhile the diary room was still in darkness. Penny and Helen groped for the door, but found it was locked shut. The door was on special lock, and only the controllers could open it with the electromagnetic opening mechanism. A button to exit was included on the inside, but without power the two women were locked in the diary room.

To scream for help would be pointless as the room was sound proof.

"I don't like this" Helen whailed.

"It's ok sweetheart" Penny told her trying to be reassuring "It's just a powercut, they will get the back up generators on in a few minutes".

Then they heard a banging noise from the other diary room door behind them, the one to the outside world. Suddenly it burst open...

[LEE]

… and in came a technician with a flashlight.

‘Oooh, What’s happening’ shrieked Helen, clinging on to Penny’s arm. ‘Who are you?’

‘I’m not supposed to talk to you love,’ the technician said, ‘but I can tell you we’ve had a bit of a power failure, some idiot in the control room switched the wrong switch’.

‘Like when we almost heard Brian giving his nominations,’ giggled Helen, ‘Oooh, that was awful that was.’

‘Yeah,’’ only this is worse the whole damn lots gone down, ‘won’t take a minute though.’

He walked over to a panel on the wall, usually just out of camera range and started fiddling with a few switches. Suddenly, the lights flashed and came back on again and the diary room flew open.

‘Thank you so much.’ Penny said to the technician.

‘No problem,’ he said and disappeared back through the other door into the camera run.

Dean poked his head around the door.

‘Everything alright ladies? What was all that about?’

Penny, returning to character said in a very haughty voice.

‘Just a little power cut. Jenkins my man, go and bring myself and the good Inspector here some Tea.’

Dean laughed, ‘Yes Ma’am’ he said doffing an imaginery cap, ‘I’ll get Miss Prissy the cook onto it right away.’

Helen and Penny sat back down and Inspector Bravo recommenced her line of questioning.

‘You were about to tell me who left the den just before Bubble the chauffeur.

‘Ah yes,’ said Penny it was………..

[Romantic Old Bird]

'Was it really?' said Inspector Bravo. 'Alright. Thank you for your time Miss Fortescue. That is very interesting. You may go now, but I must warn you, don't leave the house, I may need to speak to you again later.'

'Am I under suspicion Inspector?' asked Penelope, clutching her hands to her bosom nervously.

'Everyone is a suspect until this case is solved. So please stay where I can reach you', replied the Inspector.

'Oh alright, I won't. Hang on, oh dear, silly me, I can't go anywhere can I?' said Miss Fortescue, looking momentarily concerned until she looked up and saw Inspector Bravo was grinning broadly at her.

'Can you ask Miss Pauline Fortescue to come when you go please?' she asked.

'Of course I will H, I mean Inspector!' said Penny, leaving and pulling the door to behind her.

‘Oh, dear. She’s very serious. I don’t think she believed me at all!’ said Penny, as she walked back into the lounge.

‘Get a grip Penny, it’s just a game!’ said Bubble.

‘I, yes, yes, I know, I have to keep reminding myself. It’s all very bewildering though isn’t Paul, don’t you think?’ said Penny, putting her arms around him and squeezing him close.

‘Unhand me, Aunt Penelope!’ he cried in falsetto, then clearing his throat, and much more deeply, ‘Is she alright in there?’

‘Oh, sorry Paul –ine, yes, yes she’s fine. Don’t worry about her. You are a little love aren’t you, worrying about H all the time? She wants you to go in to see her now’, replied Penny.

‘What, as me or Pauline?’

‘Oh, Pauline I think. I’m not sure…yes, she asked for Pauline!’ said Penny,
relieved to have remembered it at last.

‘Tell me Narinder, do you think penny is loosing it again?’ whispered Brian.

‘I don’t know about that, but Paul is certainly enjoying this dressing up again. He’s been through half my wardrobe. He only picked that one because he thinks it goes with his eyes!’ , she replied conspiratorially.

‘Well, it does, actually….’, said Brian pensively, staring as Paul checked himself over again in the mirror before going into the Diary Room.

‘Oh, No! Brian Dowling! I do believe you have a soft spot for him!’, screamed Narinder.

‘I do not have a soft spot for Paul Clarke! shouted Brian, just as Paul disappeared inside and the door closed behind him.

‘What’s this Brian? Got the hot’s for old Paul have you?’ said Bubble, continuing the torment.

‘Oh as if! Please. Give me some credit for taste, really!’ said Brian, his discomfiture heightened by the fact he had blushed violently.

‘Never mind mate, I’ve been in here too long, and even I find him attractive in that dress as well. It’s more his colour than yours Narinder’.

‘How dare you, I think I look much better in that dress!’ said Narinder, adamantly.

‘Yeah? Well I think you look better out of it, ding-dong! Thank you very much!’ said Bubble, bowing to imaginary applause.

Meanwhile, back in the Diary Room:

'Thankyou for coming to see me. Just sit down will you?’ said the Inspector. 'Let us just wait for the door to close properly. Good!’
she said, before carefully placing her pen down beside the pad. Paul/ine tried to casually glance at what was written, but could not quite make it out.

'Nothing written there is of any interest to you, Miss Fortescue!' she said sternly, rising to her feet.

'Am I in some kind of trouble Inspector? And please, call me Pauline!'

'If you wish, but please be warned. None of your feminine wiles will work with me. I am an officer of the law and above such things!' she said forcefully. 'And yes, Pauline, I have to say I think you are in trouble!'

'Why's that then? Please tell me, because I am anxious to help you in any way I can with your enquiries!' said Pauline.

'That is good, but you may wish to note that everything you say will be taken down and may be given in evidence.' said the Inspector.

'Ok, yeah, I get it 'Inspector'!' said Paul/ine, smiling warily, and looking around as the Inspector walked behind him.

'Take that smirk off your face. I can already say that you are guilty of a terrible crime’, said the Inspector gravely.

'Oh dear, what is that?' asked Paul/ine

'Your bra strap is showing, and your eye-shadow clashes with your lip-gloss, terrible!' came the reply.

'What would you suggest then ‘inspector’?', asked Paul/ine, coquettishly fluttering his eyelashes at her.

'I suggest', said the Inspector, plonking herself squarely on his lap, 'I suggest that you give me a kiss and a nice big hug!'

'Inspector!' said Paul/ine, 'Is this in the Scotland Yard handbook? I feel there are certain irregularities in your conduct. I know my rights! What about the Geneva Convention?'

'Shut up and hold me Mr Clarke!’ she said.

'You cruel swine. I think I’m gonna need Amnesty International. This is psychological torture! Help!' he whispered quietly as they slipped from the chair on to the floor.


Some time later, Jenkins the butler reluctantly left his fascinating conversation with Miss Prissy about the demise of cottage industry in the Falklands to answer the imperious 'air' bell that the grieving widow, Mrs Fortescue was tinkling so vigorously.

'You rang Ma’am?’ he enquired politely, having paused on his way to fold the tea towel across his arm. He thought this was a nice zany touch.
He didn't intend to leave the house labelled as boring this time around.

'Ah, Jenkins. Do you know where my daughter is?'

'I believe she is still with the Inspector, Ma’am,' answered Jenkins.

'It seems that his/her, oh, sod this, THEIR baby needs a nappy change, and I'm sorry, this is absolutely stupid. Get them out of there! They've been in there for ages. She can't still be answering questions can she?'

'I wouldn't care to speculate Ma'am' said Jenkins, inscrutably. 'Ah, excuse me, I believe the door is opening now'. He gestured elegantly toward the diary room, and everyone turned to see Paul/ine half walk, half fall out of the door.

'Mmmm', said the chauffeur smiling cheekily, 'I hope you've had your particulars taken down then, if you know what I'm saying!'

'Well and truly mate, well and...Oh, sorry! Please don't be so impertinent. Go and bring round the Bentley immediately' answered Pauline.

'Yeah, alright mate, if you say so!' said Bubble, shuffling off for a lie down on his bed.

'That man will HAVE to go!' said Mrs Fortescue. 'So common!'

'Alright everybody, let's get on with it!' said Inspector Bravo, standing at the Diary room door, pausing at the mirror to put a few finishing touches to her hair.

'Why Inspector!' said Mrs Fortescue, clasping a black handkerchief dramatically to her cheek. 'You look as if you may have had a breakthrough, or even an epiphany. Have you made some progress?'

'I don’t know what an epiphany is, but I think I have made some progress, if that’s what you mean’, replied the Inspector, looking across at the surreal sight of Paul/ine throwing his pearls over his shoulder whilst he changed the baby's nappy. 'I am feeling very optimistic that we can wrap this up tonight'

'Excellent!'

'Now!' said the Inspector. 'I want to see all the rest of you. Let's get on with it.' We don't have that much time left'.

'Whose fault is THAT, I wonder?' said the Reverend, looking pointedly at Paul/ine.

'It was an essential part of the investigation, I can assure you!' said the Inspector. 'Now come along, Miss Prissy, please join me'. Miss Prissy raised her eyebrow sardonically and sighed as she walked across.

Two hours later the last suspect left the diary room.

After a short interlude, the diary room re-opened, and Inspector Bravo emerged.

'I am happy to tell you that I have solved the case!' she announced.
'However, it is so late, and I need to feed Bowden, that I suggest we all go to bed now. I would like us all to meet up here at 8.30 tomorrow morning. Then I will reveal who is responsible for Mr Fortescue's death!'

'Seems fair' said Jenkins. The others mumbled their agreement with the idea and started to make their way out of the lounge.

'Oh dear' said Aunt Penelope. 'Will we be safe? I mean there is a murderer amongst us!'

'I think we can all sleep safely in our beds tonight' said the Inspector reassuringly.

'Don't count on that!' said Stuart, pinching Paul/ine's bottom and causing him/her to jump a mile

'Leave it out Stuart!' he responded

'Now then, that's no way to talk to your boyfriend! Do I take it that I will not be welcome in your room again tonight Darling?' said Stuart.

'P*ss off! I am being sexually harassed!' said Paul/ine.

'You love it! You've been in the stables with me often enough!' shouted the chauffeur after him.

'**** off Bubble!' replied Paul/ine trying not to laugh.

'Now then that's no way for a young lady to speak!' said Mrs Fortescue.

'That is no lady, that is my husband!' replied Helen, who had taken off her hat and returned to normal. ‘I think we should all just return to being us. I will tell you everything tomorrow. Are you ready for bed love?' she asked Paul 'I know I am!’

'Yeah, come on H, let's take Bowden to the den. And NO more monkey business. You are still recovering, remember?’ said Paul.

'I don't know what you're talking about Paul Clarke, I haven’t
done nothing!'

'No, well, that Inspector Bravo took definite liberties with me'.

'Tell it to the Police Complaints Commission then matey!' said Josh, as they left the room.

‘I think I will, mate, I think I will!’ he shouted back over his shoulder as they walked across the grass to the den.


'OK everybody, let's all get to bed! We need our sleep!' said Penny, clapping her hands. 'I'll wake you all up in plenty of time,after I've cleaned out the chickens and made the bread and the porridge.

Goodnight everyone!'

The following morning, everyone was miraculously gathered in the lounge in plenty of time to hear what Inspector Bravo had deduced.

'Alright everybody!' she shouted, banging on the coffee table to get their attention. 'We haven't got long to report back to Big brother, so you'd better listen!
I am about to tell you who the murderer is.'

Her fellow housemates all sat up and listened. Despite their feigned indifference, they were all fascinated. One of them was feeling particularly uncomfortable. They could not imagine for one moment that the Inspector had seen through their testimony. Of course she hadn't! It was impossible to even consider they could be outwitted by Helen!

Paul yawned widely. The novelty of dressing up had worn somewhat thin for him. He had managed very little sleep, thanks to Bowden's infant colic. Helen had slept the sleep of the innocent and was positively bouncing with excitement. She had refused to discuss her thoughts with him about the case the previous night, and he was more than a little worried that she might have got it all wrong.

Never mind, he was sure everything would work out fine in the end, and pretty sure the Beckhams wouldn't be seen to be mean, and would donate the money anyway.

He settled Bowden gently across his shoulder, and sat back to listen.

Helen banged on the table again.

'Alright then, here we go!'

'Mr Fortescue was found in the jacuzzi at 7am yesterday morning. He had been dead for approximately 4 hours. There were no signs of violence on his body, and nothing unusual at all to note except...........'

[Kaz]

……….. a tiny piece of asparagus between his front teeth.

‘Now’ said Helen , pausing for dramatic effect ……….. the autopsy report revealed that Mr Fortescue was poisoned. The murderer used a type of weedkiller – I can’t pronounce the name – to do this.

Having questioned you all, I know that a few of you have had reason to come into contact with this recently. Dean the Butler, to clear away moss from the front entrance to the house. Bubble the Chauffeur to clear weeds from the drive. And Mrs Prissy the cook to tidy up her herb garden.

The three suspects glanced nervously at each other, shuffling their feet and examining their fingernails very closely.

‘Go on, H love – this is getting interesting’ said Paul

‘It’s Inspector Bravo to you’ announced Helen in her haughtiest voice, at the same time giving him a cheeky wink. OK, I shall continue’

During my investigations I also found out that the person leaving the Den with Bubble the Chauffeur was Paul/ine. They had been having a secret affair, which only Mr Fortescue and Mrs Prissy the Cook knew about. Mr Fortescue had said nothing about it as he secretly couldn’t stand Paul/ine’s boyfriend.

‘Blimey, Bubble – your taste in women has really gone downhill’ laughed Josh.

‘I am totally offended by that remark’ sniffed Stuart – ‘Paul/ine, I thought you were totally faithful to me, I’m heartbroken!’

‘Enough’ said Inspector Bravo, banging on the table again to get their attention.

‘I also found out that everyone ate the same food at supper time – fish pie followed by choc ices. However, Mr Fortescue did have a small plate of asparagus tips to accompany his pie, which he had specially asked for.

‘How long are you going to be, H?’ moaned Naz. ‘This is getting really boring now.’

‘On the contrary’ said Dean, who was quietly impressed by Helen’s powers of deduction up until now. ‘You carry on, H , er I mean Inspector – you’re doing great.’

‘Thank you Dean, my good man’ Helen smiled. ‘Right – here we go – I shall now reveal my final conclusions, and who the murderer is ………………..’

‘Unknown to everyone except Reverend Sermon, in whom he had confided, Mr Fortescue was in fact having a passionate affair with Mrs Prissy the Cook. Mrs Prissy had begged Mr Fortescue to leave Mrs Fortescue and run away with her to a remote island where no-one wore any clothes and there was no alcohol, but he had refused to do this. In a jealous rage, Mrs Prissy laced the portion of asparagus (which she knew was his favourite vegetable) with weedkiller, which Mr Fortescue then ate at supper. Several hours later he awoke feeling unwell, went outside for some fresh air, and collapsed and died in the jacuzzi!

There! So your murderer is MRS PRISSY THE COOK!’ Helen announced – pointing at Elizabeth and bouncing up and down with excitement.

Elizabeth’s face flushed scarlet and she spluttered ‘But how on earth …… I don’t believe it ……. not Helen ……. there must be some mistake …….

‘But is she right then Elizabeth?’ asked Amma – ‘Go on tell us and put us out of our misery’.

Just at that moment, Big Brother’s voice boomed out:

‘This is Big Brother. I am delighted to tell you that Inspector Bravo’s conclusion is absolutely correct. Mr Fortescue was poisoned by Mrs Prissy the Cook in the dining room. Well done Helen! This means that the Beckhams will donate £100,000 to your favourite charities.’

‘H, babe, that was absolutely blinding! Absolutely double fantastic’ enthused Paul, bounding across the room with Bowden to give Helen a huge hug. ‘That’ll show everyone you’re not just a dizzy blonde hairdresser, wont it’ he said proudly. Then he whispered in her ear. ‘But of course I’ve known for quite a while that you have many hidden talents, haven’t I?’

‘Paul Clarke!’ Helen exclaimed as she tried to keep a straight face ‘I haven’t a clue what you’re talking about!’

The others gathered round the happy family to pass on their congratulations to Helen, all except Elizabeth who was still rooted to the spot muttering to herself …. ‘I don’t believe it …. How could she have known? ……

‘Right – that was fun’ said Brian – I’m off outside now to sunbathe.’ ‘Good idea mate, Josh and I need to do some topping up on our tans – let’s go’ said Stuart.

Everyone trooped off to the garden, except for Helen and Penny. ‘Well done, H’ said Penny ‘that really took some of them by surprise, didn’t it – they deserved to be taken down a peg or two.’

‘Sure did – Naz won’t be able to call me a dizzy little bitch again, will she?’ replied Helen. Then she whispered to Penny ‘Wasn’t it good of that nice young chap who fixed the lights in the diary room to tell me about the clues that he’d read on the piece of paper in Big Brother’s office!!! Aw, love im!’

‘It certainly was, you little love’ grinned Penny. ‘...... and if you don’t tell them, I won’t either’.

Meanwhile, out in the garden .................................

[Sticks]

a swarm of bees decended on the garden around the den.

The bigbrother announcer tannoy ordered the housemates back into the house until a beekeeper could be called.

So in they trooped, apart from Helen who raced in like a shot.

Elizabeth closed the doors while Dean made sure the windows were closed.

----

In the control room the duty supervisor finished telephoning a local beekeeper. "It seems like one darn thing after another"

"What now ?" asked one of his technicians

"From the description of the Bees, they are North African Honey bees - Three stings and your a gonner, if I heard him right. They have been coming up into Europe thanks to global warming, or something like that"

"When will they get here"

"Tomorrow, when they have the right equipment"

"WHAT???" said the technician with incredulity "Ring up another Bee Keeper"

"They say they are the only ones authorised and qualified to handle this job" The duty supervisor said in exasperation "The housemates will just have to stay inside until then" he added

"Sir that may not be possible" said another technician

"Why ?"

"Camera run 2 which is unmanned, I have just noticed a small electrical fire, it seems to be taking hold"

--------------

"Can you smell burning" Ama asked Penny

Penny sniffed a bit "Yes, Yes I can it is coming from behind that mirror" As she wandered across to the mirror, it cracked with a loud noise. faint wisp of smoke started to come from its surrounds.

"OH MY GOD!!!!" Yelled Helen.

"Get some water" yelled Narinda

Dean sniffed at the smoke. "NO " he yelled, "It's an electrical fire"

----------------

In the control room the duty supervisor was looking at the sudden growth of the fire. He then looked at the cameras outside the front door. Several of the North African Honey bees were hanging around it as well as flooding the garden.

The first technician looked up at him. "That fire has taken hold, the camera crew have just been driven back by the smoke we have to evacuate"

"But" said the other technician "If they go out the bees will attack, from what I have read they are aggressive"

The first technician turned to the supervisor "We are running out of time sir, what do we tell them ?......

[Romantic Old Bird]

'Leave it to me!', said the producer.

OK EVERYONE, THIS IS BIG BROTHER. PLEASE REMAIN CALM.

WE HAVE JUST LEARNED THAT THE SO-CALLED KILLER BEES ARE IN FACT A SIMILAR BUT COMPLETELY HARMLESS BREED. THEY HAVE BEEN DISTURBED FROM MR BUMBLES, A NEARBY ORGANIC APIARY, BY THE ASSEMBLED PAPARAZZI, WHO HAVE BEEN GATHERING OUTSIDE.

THEY WOULD HAVE PASSED OVER, EXCEPT THAT WE BELIEVE THEY WERE ATTRACTED TO THE GROUNDS BY BRIAN'S HONEYGLOW SUNTAN LOTION.

THE SMOKE YOU HAVE SEEN AND SMELT IS IN FACT A BEE SEDATIVE, WHICH WE ARE NOW VENTING THROUGH THE ROOF OF THE BIG BROTHER HOUSE.

COULD ALL THE HOUSEMATES PLEASE WAIT IN THE BOYS BEDROOM UNTIL THE SLEEPING BEES HAVE BEEN COLLECTED BY MR BUMBLE AND HIS ASSOCIATES.

'Hang on, is the air clear in there? Because we've got a baby here to think about!’ said Paul, who was protectively huddled around his wife and child.

'Good point!' said Stuart

BIG BROTHER CAN ASSURE YOU THAT YOU HAVE NOTHING TO FEAR NOW, THE AIR QUALITY IS EXCELLENT. NOW, AS A PURELY PRECAUTIONARY MEASURE, PLEASE GO TO THE BEDROOM AND WE WILL CALL YOU OUT AS SOON AS POSSIBLE

As she was closest to the bedroom, and still murmuring her disapproval at the proceedings, Elizabeth reluctantly led the way. She was still smarting about the Cluedo incident, and felt the entire thing had been a cynical ploy to undermine her housemate’s perception of her undoubted intellectual superiority.

A short time later Big Brother announced that they could safely leave the bedroom.

Everyone had calmed down, and the mood had lifted considerably thanks to Bowden, who had started to smile broadly at every face that loomed above him.

'You know, H&P, you two really are the luckiest people in the whole world, such a lovely little baby, a real little love, isn't he eh?' said Penny

Bubble was uncharacteristically quiet for a moment, before adding, 'Yeah, I'd forgotten how great it was when they first start smiling'

'I think I'm going to be sick. Any minute now we'll have to have a bloody group hug or something!'said Narinder, scowling.

'That's a really great idea, actually!' said Elizabeth, suddenly remembering she had to resume her kind and thoughtful persona. If the paparazzi were gathering, then SOMETHING was going to happen...

HELLO BIG BROTHER HOUSE, THIS IS DAVINA

'Oh my God!' shouted Helen, 'one of us is going! It’s bound to be me guys, and I haven’t fed Bowden'

‘They won’t make you leave him behind H, even if it is you, but it won’t be!’

Paul reassured Helen, feeling even more proud and loving towards her because her first thought had been for the baby, and not her hair.

CAN YOU ALL PLEASE ASSEMBLE AROUND THE TABLE IN THE GARDEN

A WEEK AGO, BIG BROTHER ANNOUNCED A CHALLENGE TO THE NATION, WHICH IS TO BE UNDERTAKEN BY ONE OF THE HOUSEMATES.

FOR THE PAST WEEK, VIEWERS HAVE BEEN PHONING IN TO NOMINATE THE HOUSEMATE THEY WOULD MOST LIKE TO SEE UNDERTAKING THAT TASK.

THE ONE WITH THE MOST VOTES WILL BE LEAVING IMMEDIATELY AFTER THE ANNOUNCEMENT IS MADE

All the housemates looked at each other in amazement

THE HOUSEMATE WITH THE MOST VOTES WILL HAVE TO COMPLETE THE TASK ON THE OUTSIDE WITHIN 24 HOURS OF LEAVING.

IF THEY ARE SUCCESSFUL, THEY WILL BE ABLE TO RE-ENTER THE HOUSE AND WILL BE ASKED TO CHOOSE WHO SHOULD BE THE FIRST EVICTEE.

IF THEY FAIL THE CHALLENGE, THEY WILL BE EVICTED

I WILL BE REVEALING THE NAME OF THE HOUSEMATE WITH THE MOST VOTES IN FIVE MINUTES

Elizabeth sat staring at a knot on the table surface. That was it then! She was out. She smiled at the other housemates.

'Yes, alright, I know. I only got 2% of the popular vote last time' she said. ‘If the task is awful, they’ll jump at the chance to make me do it’

'Well that was unfair last time, you had been grossly misrepresented' said Dean. Josh joined with Amma, Brian and Bubble to strongly agree with him.

'Well I think the camera speaks for itself, and at least you didn't have a flaming newspaper calling you a love rat, and the housemates ganging up on you even after you'd gone' said Paul

'They was all wrong about Paul, anyway, love him!' said Helen, standing on her tip-toes to kiss his cheek. 'He was lovely then and he is lovely now, and he's a gentleman and he's really nice, and he's got fantastic cheekbones, and there's still all those lights...'


Helen was rocking from side to side, counting Paul's qualities out loud on her fingers when she suddenly realised how quiet it was and looked up.

'Shut up Helen!!' they all chorused, with the exception of Paul, who gave her a big squeeze and whispered 'Fair do's!' in her ear.


‘What I would like to know is, what is the task they’ve set?’ said Paul

‘Actually, that’s a good point’ said Stuart, begrudgingly.

BIG BROTHER HOUSE, THIS IS DAVINA.
I AM NOW GOING TO LET YOU KNOW WHAT THE CHALLEGE IS

‘Oh, if it’s something physical, I’ll die!’ said Brian

‘Shhh Brian!’ said Josh

THE EVICTED HOUSEMATE WILL BE CHALLENGED TO ………………………………………………………………..
ABSEIL BLINDFOLDED DOWN CANARY WHARF!

‘You are joking! That’s Brilliant!’ said Paul

‘Oh my God I’m not doing that!’ said Helen

‘You might not have a choice Helen’ said Dean. ‘To be fair, and not meaning to be sexist, I hope the public is sensible enough to vote for one of the guys’

‘You speak for yourself, Dean Loughlin!’ said Brian. ‘I will not do that! If it’s me, than I’ll just have to be evicted’.

‘Brian, you can do that, it’s easy!’ said Josh

‘I’ll have to take your word for that’ he replied

BIG BROTHER HOUSE, THIS IS DAVINA AGAIN. I CAN NOW REVEAL THE NAME OF THE HOUSEMATE WHO THE VIEWERS HAVE VOTED TO UNDERTAKE THIS CHALLENGE

THE FIRST HOUSEMATE TO LEAVE THE BIG BROTHER HOUSE WILL BE………………………………..

[BigSister]

...........Elizabeth

Elizabeth looked down.

"Good luck Liz" said Dean. "Im sure you can do it "
"Im not sure" Said Elizabeth

Davina`s voice came back on

"Elizabeth you have 1 hour to say goodbye for the time being and pack your belongings. Im now switching off"

[Romantic Old Bird]

Elizabeth was initially rather taken aback at the prospect of leaving the house, much as she had dreaded going back in in the first place.

Then her adventurous spirit kicked in.

'Don't worry Dean' she said to her closest ally.
'I am after all, the most sensible person - as well as yourself of course - in the house. The public have obviously recognised this, and feel they can trust me with the challenge. Imagine if it had been Helen or Brian. I can do it. In fact I am honoured'.

'Are you really Elizabeth? I mean, I would be happy to do it, but as the public have chosen you, there's not much I can do about it is there? If you know what I mean'


Paul, Helen and Bowden walk over to Elizabeth as she packs her belongs carefully away.

'You alright?' asked Paul

'Of course Paul. As I said to Dean, I feel as if I have been given an accolade by the public. The have entrusted this task to me, and I will not fail', answered Elizabeth.

'I'm sure you will be amazing girl!' said Paul

'Thankyou. I am feeling quite confident. It's the adrenaline I love!'

The time speeds by, and an hour later, Elizabeth waits by the door with her suitcase.

'Big Brother house, this is Davina. Elizabeth, the public have given you the challenge of abseiling down Canary Wharf. Outside are 3 mebers of the SAS and a Chinook helicopter to take you immediately to the Tower.

What I did not tell you is that your place in the house will be taken by a celebrity, who will arrive one minute after you leave.

Say your goodbyes, I'm coming to get you!

To a chorus of boos and cheers, Elizabeth leaves the house.

'That's such a shame, poor Elizabeth'. said Brian. 'Did she cook any tea?'

'I done a brioche Brian, do you want some?'

'Of course I do!'

'I will if I may please H' said Paul, and sank his teeth happily into a large piece.

'OH MY GOD!' shouted Helen 'Look Paul, the door's opening!'

'Stand back everyone!' said Dean

'It's the celebrity!' said Narinder, preening herself and pushing through to the front

'Who is it?' asked Penny, leaning forward, as the boys stood back slightly and tried to look casual and unthreatened

'It's.........hang on, I can see someone.....yes....it's............'

'Anna Kournikova!' shouted Josh. 'Mmm, this WILL be interesting'

'Hello dear!' said Penny, grabbing the bemused Russian and giving her a hearty hug and kiss/

'We like that!' said Bubble, pushing his hat back and holding his hand out to her in greeting.

'Hello everybody! I am very happy to be here. It is nice to meet you all. But please, tell me, which one of you is this Paul Clarke? I must say hello, because Elizabeth has just told me that he really loves me, and that I am his ideal woman! Where is he please?'

A loud yelp comes from the back of the room as Paul recieves the first of many thumps from a less than thrilled Helen.

'You better go up there then. Go and see the woman of your dreams.' she shouted, as Paul looked thoroughly miserable and uncertain about what to do.

'I'm already looking at the ideal person for me Helen!' he said, attempting to hug her.

'Why, you looking in the mirror then?' she huffed, and stormed away, taking a whimpering Bowden with her.

'Well, hello, you must be Paul Clarke' said a low and sultry voice just behind the miserable lad.

'Er, yeah, Paul Clarke, that's me!' said Paul , blushing violently and spilling his tea nervously down his Legends tee shirt.

'Mmm, be careful. Legends? That's what I already heard about you. let me take that for you. Do you want me to rub you dry?'

Brian looked on incredulously and exclaimed to Narinder:
'I DO NOT BELIEVE MY EARS! What on earth do they see in him?'

Almost unnoticed, a tearful Helen slipped into the diary room.

'Hello Big Brother this is Helen. And Bowden'

Hello Helen. What can Big Brother do for you?

'I'm not happy today, I'm not.'

Big Brother is sorry to hear that Helen.

'I wanted to know why you sent her in.'

'You mean Miss Kournikova?'

'Yes, her. I wish it wasn't her'

'Why is that, Helen?'

'I think you might know why not. Why didn't you send in.......Vanessa Feltz again Big Brother? She's a celebrity!'

'Miss Kournikova kindly offered to take part to help us raise money for charity Helen. Big Brother doesn't think you need to feel threatened by her being in the house.'

'OK Big Brother, I suppose I am being silly. I'll go out and make her welcome'.

Thankyou Helen. And Bowden.

'Thankyou Big Brother'

Helen is met by Josh and Narinder at the door of the Diary Room. 'I don't want to worry you', said Narinder, but paul has just been led to the Den by Anna!'

'Yes, and he wasn't fighting her off either!' said Brian

'He's like that', said Penny.

Helen started to sniffle miserably.'I can't understand it. That's not my Mr Clarke. He wouldn't do that to me'.

'Don't worry Helen, I have an idea to keep her occupied,' he said. 'We'll have a tennis tournament!'

Helen, Josh and the rest of the housemates piled outside and walked to the den. Brian listened at the door.

'What's going on?' asked Narinder, as Amma held the by now inconsolable Helen.

'I can just hear...........'

'Let's just knock and walk in' said Dean

'Yes, let's!' said Josh. 'I'll do it'.

A couple of minutes later, Josh emerged from the den.

'Sorry Helen. I tried, but it's useless! She doesn't want to play tennis. Says she is listened to one of Paul's 'lovely funny stories'.'

'I don't know about you, but I think there is something very fishy going on here!' said Stuart.

'Yeah, the boy just ain't got that much charm!' said Bubble

'I think we need to ask what is going on' continued Stuart, as he walked unannounced through the door into the den.

Five minutes later, he emerged just behind Miss Kournikova, looking pleased and somewhat smug. Directly behind him was a flusterd and unusually dishevelled Paul.

'Don't worry everyone, I have sorted it all out. Helen, you have nothing to worry about from Anna. It all makes sense now. Paul is all yours.'

'I don't think I bloody want him.' she sniffed 'What you been doing in there?'

'I ain't been doing nothing Helen! She asked me to show her the den, that's all, and then she just lunged at me! I couldn't keep her off! It was 99.99% her.'

'I will drag her out by her bloody hair, I will bloody kill her!' shouted Helen, as Amma and Dean restrained her with some difficulty.

'Hang on, don't let's get carried away here!' said Stuart, 'Anna, please tell them what you told me'

'OK, sorry, of course', said Anna 'I really had no idea. After all, I didn't see the Big brother last year. I did not know he was Helen's man. When I was coming in, I was offered an extra ten thousand pounds for charity by this man Stephen, who met Elizabeth outside. All I had to do was make a hugs and kisses with the one called Paul Clarke. He said it would be really funny, and that everyone would like it!'

'I will kill that bloody Elizabeth!' said Paul.

'Now then, I am sure she didn't mean any harm'. said Dean

'Like hell she didn't' said Narinder. 'maybe she's not that boring after all'.

Anna looked on as Paul and Helen's argument became less heated and Helen eventually fell into his arms for a long cuddle.

'I think it will take more than that to split those two up'. said Anna. 'They seem very happy. I feel awful for causing trouble. I didn't know'.

'You shouldn't worry. They will be alright, and you, have my undivided attention, you lucky girl!' said Bubble. 'Now tell me what you find most irresistable about me!'

'Excuse me?' said Anna, looking down at the little chap.'I should tell you that I have to give you your next task. It is in this envelope. Who wants to read it?'


'I will!' shouted Stuart, taking the envelope from her hands.

'Is everybody listening? Good. Tonight's task will involve four housemates' he read.

'They will compete to see which one of the four remains'.

'Oooh, it's really hotting up now!' said Brian

'Shh' said Stuart 'You must choose the four who take on the challenge yourselves. It is not a challenge of strength. You may not include Anna.


After three of your housemates leave, they will be replaced by one evictee from the first Big brother House. You have two minutes to make that choice, starting, NOW!.

Pandemonium broke out in the group. After much shouting, screaming and yelling, Stuart went into the diary room to inform Big Brother who the three would be.

'Ok Big Brother, after much deliberation, and with a great deal of help from my outstanding skills of natural leadership, the group has decided that the three housemates who will take part in the challenge are:

Amma, Dean, Josh and .....................................

[monty_parrot]

..Bubble!
thank you stuart, could you now give reasons for your choices
'i don't have time really, this task requires a lot of preperation..i must go'
with this he left the diary room and hurrely scuttles into the second bedroom.
all alone he pulls a jotter pad from under the bed and begins devising the next task.
twenty minutes later Stuart returns to the diary room to explain the task.
Thankyou Stuart..we will provide you with the necesarry equipment to perform the task..will you know inform the members taking part as our mocrophone has temporarily broken down
'ok' Stuart replies enthusiastically.
he returns to the house and pulls a piece of paper from his pocket
'ok, listen up guys we've got the task sorted..'
'what a day' sighs Helen
'..SHUT UP...thankyou..ok, the task will be..'
All of a sudden the sky outside goes very dark indeed, a bit like a blanket being pulled over you head when you were seven..you know, anyway..
the housemates one by one ventured into the garden to see what all the fuss was about..
..a large saucer like object was hovering just above the garden. the housemates looked up in amazment
'do you think that's an E.t Paul?' enquired Helen
'it's gotta be..d'ya know what i mean..it's gotta be man!'
'OH MY GOD..'shouted an excited Brian
'the doors are opening..they're coming to get us..RUN!!'
with this all the housemates scurried back into the house. the baracaded themselves in by placing tables and chairs infront of the doors.
meanwhile outside, the spacecrafts door had fully opened..a shadow stood at the top of the walkway..it began to descend down the gangway and into the garden.
the housemates were all pressed up against the glass doors staring into the garden
'who the hell is that..it's disgusting!' exclaimed Brian
'it is like a piglet no' added Anna
the so called piglet waved her hand and the doors parted. it then passed the housemates and headed towards the diary room.
now inside it sat down legs crossed and grinned a gormless grin
'big brother i can't find Alex..I've searched everwhere for him, all over the earth..in puter space..the bedrooms..where is he, and who are those strange people in the house..where's all my friends, Jonny, Kate and Alex?
the thing was Jade, she had come from the future to find Alex who had hidden(again)
this was all to srange, the other housemates were huddled around the sofa, only the sound or bowden broke the stoney silence in the house.
Jade emerged fronm the diary room glanced at the housemates
'weird'
and then made her way to the door..but before she could reach the doors Stuart wrestled her to the ground.....

[Romantic Old Bird]

Monty. are you related to Sticks at all?????

[Sticks]

the thing was Jade, she had come from the future to find Alex who had hidden(again)
this was all to srange, the other housemates were huddled around the sofa, only the sound or bowden broke the stoney silence in the house.
Jade emerged fronm the diary room glanced at the housemates
'weird'
and then made her way to the door..but before she could reach the doors Stuart wrestled her to the ground.....

Suddenly the uncontrolled meeting of a future entity with a present entity causes a massive flash of light a slight tear in the fabric of space time occurs...

Time then folds in on it self then.

+++++
Helen walks into the room carrying her case. 'Ooh, it's good to be back here' she says - I loved this place. Paul follows her in 'Hey babe, we're back!'.

Amma comes out of the kitchen, 'Never thought, they'd get me back in here,' she says 'still it is for charity and it's a good excuse to lay off work for a few weeks.'


'Evil'

A huge scream is heard from upstairs and Brian comes running down the stairs and throws his arms around Helen.

'Mrs Clarke!!! How the devil are you? Love the Gucci sunglasses'.

'Hi Bri', Helen says, 'Great to see you. Who else is here then?'

Helen stops then asks, "do you feel that this has happened before "

Brian looks confused "When we first went into the old house in Bow, your not trying to scare me, you shouldn't not in your condition"

The strains of a guitar can be heard from a door on the right. Helen and Paul both look at each other.

'Dean'. They both say in unison, and Helen rushes through the door into the lounge.

'Dean babe, How's life since Delux got to number one then? Coping with the groupies are you?'

Helen still has a a feeling of deja vu, and as Bubble starts winding Dean up about being in a deck chair and Stuart starts talking about the history of the building (All very familiar a if it happened before, but it can have)

Helen is drawn to the mirror, there she glimpse an image of a girl in stange clothes, this too feels stange.

The image seems to mouth "Oh chipstick I'll never find Alex now"
There is a blinding flash as if she seemed to remember her and Stuart together.

A hand touches her shoulder.

It's Penny

Penny speaks to her words she can almost remember being said before.

Her legs turn to jelly then every thing goes black...
+++++++++++++=

ROB Monty Parrot is an amateur

[Kaz]

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . ‘Helen . . . . . . . . H, love’ Paul said in a concerned voice, shaking her shoulder gently . . . ‘Wake up – that’s some dream you’ve been having – you’ve been talking about piglets and chipsticks and having been here before . . . . it must have been double weird!’

‘You nodded off when Stuart went into the diary room to give Big Brother our nominations and you’ve been fast asleep for the last 30 minutes or so.’

‘Oh my god – I didn’t realise I was so tired’ yawned Helen ‘That was the most peculiar dream I’ve ever had. Is Bowden OK?’

‘He’s absolutely fine – I’ve settled him down for a nap, just like his mother’ smiled Paul.

‘So what have I missed then – any excitement while I was asleep?’ Helen asked.

‘Not really’ Paul replied. ‘Stuart told Big Brother that the four people nominated for the latest task were Amma, Dean, Josh and Bubble like we agreed, and now we’re waiting to hear what the task will be. Apart from that, nothing much has happened – we were all being entertained by your sleeptalking though’ Paul teased.

‘Paul Clarke, I do NOT sleeptalk – everyone knows that it’s you who sleeptalks’ Helen said indignantly.

‘Babe, how on earth could I know that you’d been dreaming about piglets and chipsticks if you hadn’t been talking in your sleep?’ said Paul, laughing.

‘Oh . . . . . well, it must have been the stress of that misunderstanding with Anna that brought it on. Poor love – I can’t believe Elizabeth could be so mean to her . . . and to you and me’ Helen replied.

‘Never mind, H – it’s all water under the bridge now. Let’s go and join the rest of the gang and show them that you’re back in the land of the living’ said Paul, helping Helen off the sofa and leading her by the hand out into the garden.

Just as they had rejoined the other housemates, a voice came over the tannoy:

‘This is Big Brother. You have nominated Amma, Dean, Josh and Bubble to take part in your next task, which will be to . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .’

[BigSister]

to design a play which will be a murder mystery. The other housemates must go into bedroom 1 the girls bedroom to pick one person to be the victim. They then will be evicted.

Brian,Helen,Paul,Stuart,Penny,Narinder and Anna went into the girls bedroom.

Oh my god Helen said this is worse than the nominations
This is evil said Brian
Chill your boots said Paul. If it is a group decsion it will be easier.
Ok said Helen
Shall we all go round the room then said Stuart
Ill go first volantered Penny. I will pick.........................

[BigSister]

Josh she said " AS i dont know him as well as the others"
The other housemates made their nominations but did not here what they said
"This Is Big Brother" called the voice of Big Brother "Will one of the housemates in Bedroom 1 please come to the diary room to tell who the victim is"
"I will" said Brian
He went into the diary room
"Hello Big Brother" he said "The victim is.....
*****************
Decided to bring this back again

[Romantic Old Bird]

Nice idea big sister, but we just had a murder mystery cluedo in it, so wasn't sure where to go with it.