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Romantic Old Bird · 28-03-2002, 06:37 PM

Helen and Paul in Paris, the unexpurgated version

A copy of said magazine would greatly enhance the reading pleasure of this article. Actually, it probably won't make any sense without it!

Scene: A bright spring morning at the Gare de Paris.

Helen and Paul emerge from the Eurostar train.

They are accompanied by Harriet, the Hello reporter, Gavin, the photographer and Marie, the stylist.

P: Here we are Helen. Paris! This is so cool.

H: It is cool, isn’t it Paul?

P: Double cool H! The city of lurve!

H: And shops!

P: Yeah, shops too! Now smile for Gavin, so we can afford to go to some of them.

H: Alright Paul!

Snuggles up to him on the platform and beams widely, whilst Paul looks vaguely uncomfortable as usual. As the photographer clicks away, Paul reflects on whether or not this was such a good idea. Just when his life was getting back to normal, another magazine to avoid on the table in the doctors waiting room, on Elaine’s desk at work…..Still, the money, mate, the money!

A little later, at the hotel.

As Harriet, Gavin and Marie twitter about them, Helen and Paul survey their bedroom.

‘Er, could you two guys do us some spontaneous gambolling please?’ asks Harriet

P: Like what?

H: Why have we got to gamble? I don’t like gambling. It’s dangerous, my mum said it’s dangerous. You should never gamble Helen, she said, because….

P: Shhh a minute Helen, she means playing together.

H: Who does, my mum? I don’t think so Paul!

P: No, Harriet does. She wants us to play together for the cameras.

H: Oh, is that all? Why don’t she just ask then?

Harriet: A play fight perhaps?

P: Do you really think we need to keep doing this kind of thing? They will think we just act like children all the time.

H: We do act like children all the time Paul!

P: Sometimes we do, Helen, sometimes we do, and that’s fine. But sometimes we don’t.

H: No, you’re right, sometimes we don’t, Paul.

P: Yeah, and that’s why and I want the article and the pictures to reflect the times we don’t play. What’s the matter Helen?

H: I’m not doing that on camera Paul Clarke!

P: What?

H: What we do when we don’t just play!

P: Er, no Helen. There are other things we do when we don’t play.

H; What, like cooking?

P: Yeah

H: And cleaning?

P: Yeah, course!

H: And working?

P: Working, yeah, cleaning, yeah.

H: So what else do we do Paul Clarke?

P: I don’t get you

H: When we’re not cooking, cleaning, working, playing or that other thing, what do we do?

P: Well……………………………………………Grab a pillow H, and shut up!

Later, at a pavement café’:

H: No Paul, I don’t want no coffee. It will spoil that champagne we just had on the roof garden of the hotel.

P: You had three glasses, and it’s only half past ten.

H: Yeah, well they shouldn’t have taken so long on that photo!

P: It’s alright for you. I was freezing in that shirt!

H: I know you was! Love you. I was alright, I had a jumper and a jacket on

P: Yeah, and the champagne had something to do with it. You should eat something .

H: Ok, let me nibble yours then!

Harriet: OK, Paul, can you make like you’re feeding Helen from your plate?

Marie: Hang on Helen, take your scarf out of the coffee!

H: Oooh, sorry! Is that better?

Gavin: No, it’s no good, I can still see the stain on the tip of the scarf. Helen, tuck the scarf down and lean forward!

P: What should I do?

Harriet: (sighs) Well, pick up the croissant, and offer it to Helen.

P: Fair play. OK Helen, Open your GOB!

Harriet: Oh, really!

Gavin: Never mind, there’s no sound Harriet, and the visual’s great.

P: That alright was it, Gav?

Gavin: A vision!

P: No worries!

H: I bet you looked stunnin’ Paul!

P: And you did, with your gob wide open!

H: Wipe that smile off your face, Paul Clarke!

Harriet, aside to Marie: These two were made for each other!

H: Now what do you want us to do?

Gavin: Let’s continue the play pastiche. That Carousel would make a great shot!

H: OK, we’re sitting yere and we’re smiling! Hurry up, cos I need a wee, desperate!

Harriet: We won’t be long now, I promise. Can we just have one of you both sitting by the fountain?

H; The fountain? You joking ent yew? There’s loads of water. I’ll do myself a mischief! Please, let me go to the toilet first!

P: You go babe. You got to go if you got to go. It’s completely out of order.

H: If it’s out of order Paul, where am I gonna go?

P: See that silver thing over there?

H: What, that thing that looks like a big shiny photo booth?

P: Yeah! That’s a toilet.

H: Is it really?

P; Yeah, it washes itself and everything. You just put money in the slot, the door opens, you go in, you shut it, do….what you’ve got to do, turn round, wash your hands….

H; What? In the toilet?

P: Well, sort of!

H; I’m not going in there on my own, it’s creepy! Will you come with me Paul?

Harriet: No, I will. We don’t want a repeat of the earlier visit you both made to your bathroom.

Gavin: No, Another 30 minutes, and the light will be going

P: Mate, 30 minutes, do me a favour. It could be completely dark if I go with her!

Five minutes and lots of laughing and shrieking later, Helen returns to the fountain.
Paul is already sitting hands in pockets, on the edge. Helen snuggles up behind him.

H: Oh, that feels better Paul! Pity you didn’t come with me though!

P: Helen, you’re a nightmare. Now just smile at the nice man!

H: Is that while you look all miserable then?

P: Mean, moody and magnificent mate!

H: Gorgeous you’ll look Paul!

Gavin: I’d settle for a bit less of a scowl Paul.

Harriet: Think wistful!

Gavin: Yeah, that’s it, hold it, great! Helen, put your head on his shoulder. Lovely!

In the shadow of the Eiffel Tower Harriet, Gavin and Marie review the shots on the laptop.

Gavin: You know, they really do look good. The daffodils really compliment Paul’s fresh, vibrant complexion!

Harriet: Mmm. It is a lovely shot. I’m still not sure about Le Figaro though! Now, we need a classic tower pose, before we loose the light. Where are they?

Marie: Erm, they’re there!

Harriet: Where?

Marie: There, sitting all entwined and kissing. (sighs)

Harriet: Oh look, quick, Gavin, try to get a shot of them before they move!

Marie: They haven’t moved in the last twenty minutes. I think they’re super glued together!

Gavin: That is fantastic. And another! Wow! Brilliant composition, have you two been like that for long? Hello? You can stop now. Hello!

Harriet: Just leave them for a bit. We can get a few night skyline shots of them in front of the tower before they change for dinner. Pass me a Gallioise will you? I feel as if I need one somehow!

One hour later, as the light fades the couple break their reverie and get up from the grass.

H. Oooh, I’ve gone all dizzy! And my bum Paul, right? It’s all numb!

P: Mate, that’s nothing! I thought my arms were permanently locked around your waist.

H: It was cool though, want it Paul?

P: Didn’t want to move, did you?

H: Breath-taking Paul!

P: Babe, it was amazing!

They walk over to the bench where Marie is talking on her mobile, and Gavin has fallen asleep with his head on Harriet’s lap. The ash drifts down on his face from her third cigarette.

H: I didn’t know you smoked Harriet.

Harriet: I guess I picked the wrong time to try to give up.

P: Shall we get on then, cos I’m hungry!

H: And I am!

Harriet: OK Everyone, let’s go! Marie! Pick up all those clothes. Let’s get one shot on the bridge.

P: Do I really have to keep changing my tops out here in the street? Stripping right down to my bare chest?

Harriet, Marie. Helen and Gavin, as one: YES!

P: Mate, my nose is all red, my ears are cold, and me nipples are like chapel hat pegs!

H: Paul!

P: Well they are! It’s getting cold and it’s getting dark. Give us that other jacket to put on the top Marie. Cheers!

Gavin: OK, Just one more, smile! No, not you Paul, mean and moody again for you I think!

P: Like this mate?

Gavin: Magnificent!

The group stop briefly en route to the hotel outside the Moulin Rouge

Harriet: OK you two, over there, near the Metro stairs. Paul, take off the dark jacket, I can’t see you against the theatre.

P: (Whispering to Helen) I’m so going to need warming up after this!

H: Oh, are you really?

P: I think so H, I think so!

10pm: The hotel foyer. Harriet, Gavin and Marie sit impatiently waiting for their subjects

Harriet: I wouldn’t mind, but they’re being paid a fortune for this. What on earth can they be doing all this time?

Gavin: I think it’s quite obvious…..(looks up to see Helen and Paul have arrived at their side)

H: What’s obvious?

Marie: (Quickly) It’s obvious that you have put a lot of effort into looking just right! Love the makeup and hair.

H: (Smiling broadly) Do I look nice?

P: You look stunning babe!

Harriet: Absolutely

Gavin: Divine!

Marie: Our readers will love it!

H: I done it for Mr Clarke

P: You always do babe, you always do!

Harriet: Right children. Are we all ready? The restaurant beckons!

H: I’m not having no snails or frogs legs.

P: Me neither, I told them!

Harriet (aside to Gavin) Pity, that would have made a good shot! Philistines!

Come on you two!

H: What we having then?

P: I told ‘em Italian would be good

H: Ok then. Better not have no spaghetti though!

P: Bloody hell, no H! And don’t lick the plate this time either!

H: I’ll be a complete lady!

P: I hope so H! We don’t want to shatter the entente cordiale!

H: As if I would! What is it anyway?

P: Nothing Helen, just get in the car.

At the resturant:

Maitre

Good Evening Sir, Mademoiselle, please follow me. Your table is waiting.

Later, as they eat their third course:

P: This is so cool

H: Lovely Paul, int it!

P: No asparagus though

H: Or Chickpeas!

P: Mmmm, nice though!

H: Lush!

P: We’re on our own now Helen.

H: Posh bird and…

P: Gorgeous bloke?

H: Yeah!

P: We are really aren’t we!

H: I know! I’m glad they’ve gone. Wish they hadn’t taken that last shot when I tried to grab your …

P: Tortellini?

H:: Yeah! Something like that!

P: Shall we have a desert?

H: Let’s just go back to our room shall we Paul?

P: You, turn down food? I never thought I’d see the day!

H: Yeah, well I put two Cornetto’s in the mini-bar before we left!

P: Cool!

H: Double Cool Paul Clarke!

P: Waiter! Cheque please!

H: Will you sing that J’taime song again to me Mr Clarke?

P: I might do. Would you like me to?

H: I loved it when you did it before.

P: Did you? I can’t sing though can I?

H: You talk it lovely though Paul, and well, we are in Paris

P: And?

H: It will be even better here

P: How can you be so sure?

H: Oh, I’ll MAKE sure….

P: Formidable………………

We leave the scene as the young couple make their way back to the hotel, to experience a night of chocolate covered kisses in the City of Love……………….

Mairi · 28-03-2002, 06:56 PM

That was really lovely ROB and sooo funny. I nearly choked over my coffee when I read the "I need a wee, desperate" line. In fact, I'm still laughing now!! You're a star.

: hello:

Feefs · 28-03-2002, 07:37 PM

Formi-bloody-dable ROB. I bet that's exactly how it happened.

peachy · 28-03-2002, 07:45 PM

They just get better and better, ROB. Yet another tour de force. I could almost see Gavin and Harriet and feel the exasperation. Absolutely brilliant observation. Thank you for making me laugh so much. I'm sure the trip was just as you describe.

In the words of the immortal Mr. Clarke:
Blinding, mate just blinding. Double-cool, no triple-cool, in fact we're talking Paris-tastic here!

Kaz · 28-03-2002, 09:28 PM

Bravo, ROB - c'est magnifique!

I'll be reading the 'Hello' article (for the umpteenth time!) with a fresh pair of eyes now that I've read your fantastic description of what really went on behind the scenes at the photoshoot.

Another absolute classic, ROB ....... words fail me!

susieq · 28-03-2002, 11:23 PM

I knew we'd get the real story from you ROB, I bet you're glad Gavin let you carry his camera cases now!

Thanks for the 'behind the scenes' look - it just confirms what we already know - these two were made for each other. Fate, kismet, call it what you will, they are, in the words of Phoebe, 'each other's lobster'!