[Red Moon]

On a more serious note they have a point about TV producers.

Put The Bin In Trash For Perfect Television

IT'S the final series of Parkinson. What guest could possibly make the chat show worth tuning in for?

Billy Connolly? On too often. Rod Hull's son? Only if he brought along Emu. Meg Ryan? Perhaps.

Truthfully, in the absence of David Niven and Gene Kelly, there's only one guest the self-regarding host could bring on that would make me turn over from Match of the Day.

"Ladies and gentlemen . . . Osama bin Laden."

Let's deal with the facts. Osama is responsible for thousands of deaths, adding to the conflict in the Middle East and, if forces ever track him down, it'll make what they did to Saddam Hussein look like High School Musical on Ice.

Bin Laden may be responsible for suicide bombers wreaking havoc, but he does have one weak spot. He can't resist appearing on telly. He releases more videos than Joe Longthorne, and of even more dubious quality.

This week he was attacking the rulers of Pakistan and Iraq and last week he was goading America.

So why not do Parky?

That would be a proper scoop and, unlike Frost meeting Nixon, Parky is unlikely to be banging on about it in 35 years. Parky would probably even show a clip from his latest video before asking him any questions.

These could include:

What WiFi connection broadband system does Osama have in his cave?

Does he ever wish he had married Dusty Springfield, just to give her a funny name?

Has he really, as has been reported, dyed his beard black?

Then there's the pop star niece, and the son marrying an English granny - who is an ex of George Best - and then divorcing her this week, the obsession with Arsenal FC and Whitney Houston, plus the fact that Osama is the one man on earth who makes the leader of the Free World choke on his pretzels.

If anything can smoke this tyrant out of hiding, appealing to his vain side may be the way to go.

A chat show spot, a visit to his cave from Loyd Grossman, or a slot on MTV Cribs . . . just watch him bite.

Where the FBI, CIA and the might of the Western armed forces have failed in tracking this man down, the producers of I'm a Celebrity...Get me Out of Here may succeed.

TV producers would have no moral qualms either. They rarely do these days. In fact, expect a 75p-a-minute phone vote on whether it's a good idea.

Jeffrey Archer, Jade Goody, Jade Goody's mum, Stan Collymore, Jim Davidson...telly has paid all these lowlifes good money in 2007 to appear on the box for light entertainment.

So why not Osama? Besides, it takes more than one power-crazed maniac to make a war on terror.

And Parky's already had Tony Blair on.

'Where the Western armed forces have failed in tracking this man down, TV producers may succeed'

Source: The Daily Record