The Joke thread!

[Beastie]

The Joke thread!

If you have a funny joke then post in here please :D

:joker:

[Jessica.]

What have Titanic And The Sixth Sense got in common?





























Icy Dead People!

[Beastie]

what have titanic and the sixth sense got in common?





























Icy dead people!


lol!

[Beastie]

What do you call a bird that was killed by a combine harvester????

SHREDDED TWEET!

[Jessica.]

I sometimes get constapated

Aha ha ha ha

[Stacey.]

do you want to hear a sick joke about jade goody??

[Jack_]

Most of my jokes are sick/offensive jokes, so sorry if they offend anyone in advance, but they're intended as a joke.

Disabled toilets.

Ironically the only toilets big enough to run around in.

I was raping a woman last night when she screamed "Please, think of my children!"

Kinky bitch.

Just got back from having a water fight with the local kids.

I won!

No one's a match for me and my kettle.

My wife came home one day and walked in on me sitting naked on the couch with a hairdryer blowing on my cock.

She said "What the hell are you doing?"

I replied, "I'm warming up your dinner".

That's it for now. :thumbs:

[Jessica.]

do you want to hear a sick joke about jade goody??

I do

[Beastie]

do you want to hear a sick joke about jade goody??

I do please.

I like the terrible or twisted or offensive jokes.

[Braden]

A dumb blonde was really tired of being made fun of, so she decided to have her hair she would look like a brunette.

When she had brown hair, she decided to take a drive in the country.

After she had been driving for a while, she saw a farmer and a flock of sheep and thought,

"Oh! Those sheep are so adorable!"

She got out and walked over to the farmer and said,

"If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I take one home?"

The farmer, being a bit of a gambler himself, said she could have a try.

The blonde looked at the flock and guessed, "157."

The farmer was amazed - she was right! So the blonde, (who looked like a brunette), picked one out and got back into her car.

Before she left, farmer walked up to her and said.

"If I can guess the real color of your hair, can I have my dog back?"

p.s- sorry to all blondes on the forum, blondes are cool ;D !

[Stacey.]

ok... the joke about jade goodyy is:
Q. what was jade taken away in when she died?
A. a goody bagg!!
lol... sorry if i offended anyone. xxx

[alc09]

What do me, you and Stephen Gateley have in common? None of us woke up in Mallorca at the weekend.

I've been a bit unlucky of late, I swapped my ticket to a Michael Jackson concert for a Boyzone Reunion gig.

[Beastie]

LOL and lol and lol.

I have heard that Jade goody one before.

Watch out.. Jade Goody will make a guest experience on another reality tv show.. "most haunted" LOL

[Jackie]

Most of my jokes are sick/offensive jokes, so sorry if they offend anyone in advance, but they're intended as a joke.









That's it for now. :thumbs:


:joker:

[Tom]

If you thought that Jade joke was offensive ... whats the similarities between Jade Goody and an easter egg? Both are egg shaped and will be in a box by easter. (this was before April ;))

[laurenheh]

icy dead people not even a bit funny

[laurenheh]

and thats sick saying that about jade shes dead leave it at that !!!!!!!!!!!

[Jessica.]

and thats sick saying that about jade shes dead leave it at that !!!!!!!!!!!

Says the racist!

[laurenheh]

What do me, you and Stephen Gateley have in common? None of us woke up in Mallorca at the weekend.

I've been a bit unlucky of late, I swapped my ticket to a Michael Jackson concert for a Boyzone Reunion gig.

omg thats so sick how dare you !

[laurenheh]

Says the racist!

i am not a racist and jade was not big brother made her out to be a racist !poor girl

[Jessica.]

i am not a racist and jade was not big brother made her out to be a racist !poor girl

I didn't call jade racist I called you racist.
You called everyone in ireland gay! Saddo.

[laurenheh]

i did not call anyone in ireland gay ?
even if i did that is not racist being gay

[Jessica.]

i did not call anyone in ireland gay ?
even if i did that is not racist being gay

What age are you? 12 probably, you don't seem to understand anything that people say to you.

[laurenheh]

why dont you stop causing trouble !, i am not going to answer you stupid little girl zip it

[Jessica.]

why dont you stop causing trouble !, i am not going to answer you stupid little girl zip it

You are the one coming into the joke thread saying all the jokes are bad! You zip it!

[Patrick]

ok... the joke about jade goodyy is:
Q. what was jade taken away in when she died?
A. a goody bagg!!
lol... sorry if i offended anyone. xxx



Thats nothen,

There was loads of those jokes when she died but I can only remember one that my friend told us all in Class,

This was before she died...

"What does Jade Goody in a wedding dress look like?"




"A Badminton shuttle!"

[Patrick]

and thats sick saying that about jade shes dead leave it at that !!!!!!!!!!!

Oh **** off and get a sense of humour like the rest of us!

No wonder you have no friends,

1000s of people made Jokes about Michael Jackson when he died, so who gives a **** about Jade I hate her anyway as do many other people for ruining my favourite show!


Good day to you! :xyxwave:

[Patrick]

why dont you stop causing trouble !, i am not going to answer you stupid little girl zip it

You just did answe her you morron,

And shes hardly the 'little girl' if she knows what shes talking about..

And you were being Racist in the other thread about Ireland and when you called everyone in Ireland gay your being Homophobic!

So go and learn somthing you Prat,




Lmao I was accually gona write a joke my Dad told me about Stephan Gately but I just called that Lauren girl Homophobic,

But on the other hand, you [LAUREN] Seem to hate Jokes about Dead People eh?

So here goes ...



Stephan Gately dosent need to be put in a Hole today..

Hes already been in 100s!

[Stephanie]

LMAO ha/

[Nurse57]

After Stephen Gately found dead at his home in Majorca, Ronan said he was gutted. Louis Walsh said he was devistated and Michael Barrymore said he was inocent.

[Patrick]

After Stephen Gately found dead at his home in Majorca, Ronan said he was gutted. Louis Walsh said he was devistated and Michael Barrymore said he was inocent.

:joker::joker:

[alc09]

Stephen Gately's widower was asked what he would like doing with his ashes. I'd like them fried up with Garam Masala and have him turned into a curry.

Why would you want to do that? replied the Majorcan coroner.

So I can feel him dribbling out of my arse one last time

[InOne]

How unlucky am I... Only went and swapped my Michael Jackson tickets for the Boyzone Reunion tickets... ****s sake!!!

[InOne]

I just applied for planning permission for a new-build house. It was going to be 100ft tall and 400ft wide with nine turrets at various heights and windows all over the place. It would have parking for 200 cars and I was going to paint it snot green.

The council told me to **** off.

So I sent in the application again, but this time I called it a Mosque.

Building work starts on Monday.

[Jessica.]

Why can't Jesus eat mnm's



























Because they fall through his hands! :)

[InOne]

I was stuck on the bus for fifteen minutes today.

Some dumb chav girl refused to pay her fare, claiming she had left her Oyster card at home, so therefore she should be able to travel for free.

The bus driver refused to move until she paid her fare, and the stupid bitch refused to get off the bus.

Every other passenger on the bus was giving her daggers, but she didn’t give a ****.

Finally, I couldn’t stand it any more. I got out of my seat, strode right up to her, and gave her a backhander across the face.

The force of the blow sent her tumbling out of the bus, sprawling onto the pavement.

“How dare you hit a defenceless woman!” she cried. “Where’s your ****ing conscience?”

“I left it at home”, I replied, as the bus drove off without her.

[Stacey.]

hahaha, im sat on michael jackson! lol]
that cracked me up, when someone said that!!!!!!!! xx

[alc09]

You know why those three fella's with the turbans on always sit by the dugout at Old Trafford year after year? Because if they were in the corner, they'd probably open a shop.

A horse walks into a bar
The barman asks; "Why the long face?"
The horse replies; "Because I have cancer."


Dear Matt Lucas,

I am sorry to hear about the suicide of your ex. I for one find you very attractive and you remind me of my ex who sadly has also passed away.

If you want to hook up, give me a call.

Yours sincerely,

Jack Tweed

[InOne]

My wife's scouse friend is staying with us at the moment.

She said, "I'm really freaked out by all those blokes hanging round the children's playground."

I said, "We have a name for people like that round these parts: FATHERS."

[alc09]

^
Quality.

[InOne]

Political correctness gone mad!

I'm advertising for a new job at my company and so in the advert I politely put "Muslims and Jews need not apply." Muslims are generally cool about it, Jews don't care - it's just those ****ers from the council who are round straight away threatening me with a court summons for active racial discimination. Stupid, dopey bastards. I'm a pork butcher, for ****'s sake.

[Jessica.]

My wife's scouse friend is staying with us at the moment.

She said, "I'm really freaked out by all those blokes hanging round the children's playground."

I said, "We have a name for people like that round these parts: FATHERS."

:D

[Braden]

i have two horrible ones about jade goodey
and i will feel bad for posting it..but meh

this was after she found out she had cancer

Q:did you hear jade goodey is doing a calender
A:yep,shame it only goes up to march

and

did you see jade goodey's wedding, there wasn't a hair out of place

[InOne]

Arab scientists have invented a time-travel device that can transport an entire country back to the middle ages.

They're calling it 'Islam'.

[Jackie]

These jokes made me laugh.

[InOne]

You know what I reckon would bring an end to knife crime in London overnight?

Guns.

[Patrick]

i have two horrible ones about jade goodey
and i will feel bad for posting it..but meh

this was after she found out she had cancer

Q:did you hear jade goodey is doing a calender
A:yep,shame it only goes up to march

and

did you see jade goodey's wedding, there wasn't a hair out of place

lol

I remember hearing that first one but forgot it until there now,
Thanks :D

[InOne]

C'mon John and Edward. You get through tonight and it could be you getting punched in the head in Waterstones.

[laurenheh]

What does a priest and a pint of guninneas hav in common?

A Black body, a white collar and if you get a bad 1 it will tear the ass of ya

[Ninastar]

All i have to say in this thread is John and Edward.

[laurenheh]

lol

[InOne]

My best mate is entering the X-Factor this year and I wanted to give him all the help and support I can.

So I've killed his mum.

[laurenheh]

dont get it

[InOne]

dont get it

:pat:

[laurenheh]

What does a priest and a pint of guninneas hav in common?

A Black body, a white collar and if you get a bad 1 it will tear the ass of ya


now my joke is funny lol

[InOne]

What does a priest and a pint of guninneas hav in common?

A Black body, a white collar and if you get a bad 1 it will tear the ass of ya


now my joke is funny lol

Yes, you just posted it...

[laurenheh]

:D

[GypsyGoth]

People who bite their nails are full of themselves.

[laurenheh]

was that a joke ?

[InOne]

A girl in a bar said to me, "I wouldn't **** you if you were the last person alive."

Leaning over and whispering, I replied, "But who would be around to stop me?"

Wiped the smug look off her face.

[GypsyGoth]

was that a joke ?

Leave me alone.

[InOne]

Leave me alone.

Ger her told Claudia!!!

[Patrick]

Leave me alone.

I know how you feel Goth, That Lauren girl has been writing crap to me all day.

[GypsyGoth]

I know how you feel Goth, That Lauren girl has been writing crap to me all day.

I'll be friendly if she is friendly to me.

[laurenheh]

LB no you wrote too me dont lie put your dummy in !, and goth seems alrite

[InOne]

A man and his wife go to their weekend getaway in the mountains where the husband likes to fish and the wife likes to read
the husband came home early one day from fishing and went to bed

the wife decided now would be her chance to go out on the boat and read

so she did

she didn't know the lake very well so she just layed anchor anywhere and began to read

along came a officer and told her "what are you doing?"


"reading" said the woman


"this is a restricted fishing area"


"but i'm not fishing"


"that may be true but you have all of the equipment so i will have to take you in"


"if you do that i will charge you with rape" the woman says


"but i didn' touch you"


"this may be true but you have all of the right equipment"




Moral of the story is: never mess with a woman who knows how to read.

[GypsyGoth]

and goth seems alrite

Thank you Lauren.

[Alf]

it's a statistical fact that six out of seven dwarfs are not happy

[alc09]

Madonna has said that she's saddened to hear of Peter Andre and Katie Price's marriage break-up.

She has also claimed first refusal on the blind black lad if neither of them want him.

---------------------

After it was announced that Katie Price and Peter Andre are to seperate, Katie said that she would miss the family holidays that they shared, the TV specials that they made and the companionship.

Peter said that he would miss the tit wanks and watching the fat, cod eyed black kiddy walk into the wall.

[CaraRawr]

two aerials met on a roof, fell in love and got married. the ceremony was **** but the recption was brilliant

;D

[alc09]

^sorry. but that was ****ing awful

[CaraRawr]

i jacked it off some guy in my form lmao.

[InOne]

Obnoxious irish X Factor twins John and Edward Grimes have claimed they can't understand why the public don't like them. Gentlemen, let me be of service. You are the most vile, arrogant, talentless, Irritating couple of **** wits to have come out of Ireland since Mrs O'Donnell's mid-wife smacked her newborns son's arse and said: "It's a boy." You are living proof that euthanasia is a good thing. The fact that you breathe the same air as me is an insult. Understand now?

[CaraRawr]

Obnoxious irish X Factor twins John and Edward Grimes have claimed they can't understand why the public don't like them. Gentlemen, let me be of service. You are the most vile, arrogant, talentless, Irritating couple of **** wits to have come out of Ireland since Mrs O'Donnell's mid-wife smacked her newborns son's arse and said: "It's a boy." You are living proof that euthanasia is a good thing. The fact that you breathe the same air as me is an insult. Understand now?

lmfao

[InOne]

The other day I needed to pay a visit to the public toilet, so I found a public toilet that had two cubicles.

One of the doors was locked. So I went into the other one, closed the door, dropped my trousers and sat down.

A voice came from the cubicle next to me: "Hello mate, how are you doing?"

Although I thought that it was a bit strange, I didn't want to be rude, so I replied, "Not too bad, thanks."

After a short pause, I heard the voice again. "So, what are you up to?"

Again I answered, somewhat reluctantly, "Just having a quick ****... How about yourself?"

The next thing I heard him say was, "Sorry, mate, I'll have to call you back. I've got some **** in the cubicle next to me answering everything I say."

[Vicky.]

My best mate is entering the X-Factor this year and I wanted to give him all the help and support I can.

So I've killed his mum.

:laugh:

But cruel... :D

[InOne]

When Barack Obama was giving his speech after being elected as president, he had to do it behind three inch thick bullet-proof glass.
I thought that was a bit harsh - just because he's black doesn't mean he's going to shoot anyone.

[InOne]

Has anyone else noticed that "Maddie" is an anagram of "I'm dead"?

[Patrick]

LB no you wrote too me dont lie put your dummy in !, and goth seems alrite

Dummie?

Oh **** off you dick head, Seriously why is there so many annoying members on here during Off Season,

Sorry not all of them are annoying, just this 9 year old who clearly is still in Primary School as she uses insults like 'Dummie' and hasnt got a clue what shes talking about.


And you wrote to me you ****ing knob so dont talk ****,
And I loved how on my Profile you told me not to reply yet you were the one typing 2 Messages per Minute you sad weirdo.

[Patrick]

Has anyone else noticed that "Maddie" is an anagram of "I'm dead"?

That ones freaky, i`ll show me mate that one tomarrow lol

Your Jokes are wicked, I loved the X Factor joke :joker:

[CaraRawr]

The other day I needed to pay a visit to the public toilet, so I found a public toilet that had two cubicles.

One of the doors was locked. So I went into the other one, closed the door, dropped my trousers and sat down.

A voice came from the cubicle next to me: "Hello mate, how are you doing?"

Although I thought that it was a bit strange, I didn't want to be rude, so I replied, "Not too bad, thanks."

After a short pause, I heard the voice again. "So, what are you up to?"

Again I answered, somewhat reluctantly, "Just having a quick ****... How about yourself?"

The next thing I heard him say was, "Sorry, mate, I'll have to call you back. I've got some **** in the cubicle next to me answering everything I say."

that's brilliant xD

[Nurse57]

A bloke walks in to the "every cake is a pound" shop.

Bloke: How much is that cake?

Baker: A pound mate.

Bloke: What about that one?

Baker: It's a pound mate.

Bloke: I see, what about that one?

Baker: Look mate. Did you not se the name of the shop when you came in? Every cake is a pound.

Bloke: Oh, in that case I will have one of those please.

Baker: Thank you. That will be one pound fifty please.

Bloke: Hang on. You said every cake was a pound.

Baker: Ah yes, but that's Madeira cake.



Thank you, I'll be here all week.

[Beastie]

Knock knock!

Who's there?

John!

John who?

John and Edward :D

[alc09]

^ :shrug:



Dr Mr Grim Reaper,

So far this year you have taken my favorite Actor Patrick Swayze, my favorite chef Keith Flloyd and my favorite singers Michael Jackson and Stephen Gately.

Just to let you know, my favorite footballer is Cristiano Ronaldo and I love all pakistanis.

------------------

Francis, a twelve-year old boy, goes to confessions at Chapel.

He cries; "Forgive me, Father. For I have sinned..."

"Are you cheating on me, you little bastard?!" replies the Priest.

----------------------

A charity pantomime in aid of paranoid schizophrenics and homosexuals decended into chaos when someone shouted; "HE'S BEHIND YOU!"

---------------------

A chemist walked into his shop after lunch to find a man leaning against a wall near the counter.

"What's wrong with him?", he asked his assistant. The assistant replied; "He came in for cough medicine, but we're all out, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxitives".

"You ****ing idiot!", replied the chemist. "You can't treat a cough with laxitives".

"Of course you can", the assistant replied. "Look at him, he daren't ****ing cough now!"

[Dr.Gonzo]

Hahahaha^

All brilliant :D

[Harry!]

Sos Alc

I see the Michael Jackson film has been rated PG.

Even after he's gone he can't be trusted alone with kids.

[InOne]

I'm not normally suspicious, but the wife told me yesterday that Gavin from Autoglass came round and injected his special resin into her crack.

She hasn't even got a car.

[alc09]

Haha theres a load of MJ jokes that were about after his death, I'll try and find some in a minute, there's some brilliant ones.

[InOne]

Remember its not rape if you have been paying for her drinks.

[InOne]

What did the necrophiliac say to the paedophile?

"After you."

[Harry!]

Louis Walsh has received a letter stating:

"For every week John and Edward stay on the X-Factor, a member of Boyzone will die."

[InOne]

My girlfriend asked me what my sexual fantasy was.
I told her I wanted to have sex in a graveyard.
She said she wasn't really into that idea so I said, "Who said you were involved?"

[Loukas]

I am not a racist but my friend told this joke and i couldn't help but laugh.

A Chinese couple had a baby, the baby was disabled and they didn't know what to call him. They deliberated and they decided on 'Son Ting Wong'

:laugh3: Sorry if it offended someone! lol

[Nurse57]

What is the biggest crustation in the world?

Kings Cross Station.

[Alf]

I've just quit my job at the Helium factory, I'm not gonna be spoken to in that tone of voice.

[Alf]

I've just been sacked from my job at Pepsi, I tested positive for Coke.

[Mystic Mock]

Sos Alc

I see the Michael Jackson film has been rated PG.

Even after he's gone he can't be trusted alone with kids.

:joker:

Yesterday I was making a Sandwich, my Mom was wondering what toppings was I putting on my Sandwich. I tell her that it's Bacon, Lettuce & Mushrooms aka a BLM.

[Swan]

^ :shrug:



Dr Mr Grim Reaper,

So far this year you have taken my favorite Actor Patrick Swayze, my favorite chef Keith Flloyd and my favorite singers Michael Jackson and Stephen Gately.

Just to let you know, my favorite footballer is Cristiano Ronaldo and I love all pakistanis.

------------------

Francis, a twelve-year old boy, goes to confessions at Chapel.

He cries; "Forgive me, Father. For I have sinned..."

"Are you cheating on me, you little bastard?!" replies the Priest.

----------------------

A charity pantomime in aid of paranoid schizophrenics and homosexuals decended into chaos when someone shouted; "HE'S BEHIND YOU!"

---------------------

A chemist walked into his shop after lunch to find a man leaning against a wall near the counter.

"What's wrong with him?", he asked his assistant. The assistant replied; "He came in for cough medicine, but we're all out, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxitives".

"You ****ing idiot!", replied the chemist. "You can't treat a cough with laxitives".

"Of course you can", the assistant replied. "Look at him, he daren't ****ing cough now!"

Imagine these being told in 2021 :laugh:

[Beso]

I guy walks in a lift coughing towards 3 strangers.

[Tireur]

The Lone Ranger and Tonto ride into Laredo in the middle of a Texas winter.
They stop at a saloon and the Lone Ranger dismounts, saying, “Wait here, injuns not allowed in bar.”
“But Tonto cold kemosabe.”
“Run up and down on the spot”, said the Lone Ranger, walking in.
Few minutes later a cowboy walks in and says to the Lone Ranger, “Hey! You left your injun running.”

[Alf]

A prostitute told me I could have sex with her for the reduced rate of £10 as she didn't have a womb......
Intrigued, I asked her how we were going to do it? She said "acwoss the woad against those wailings"

[thesheriff443]

A prostatute said Il do anything you want for 25 pounds

I took her home and said paint my house.

[Crimson Dynamo]

https://content.kaotic.com/2022/06/0b54b24c8ece_4360.jpg