The Official Joke Thread

[\PJ/]

Post your favorite jokes in here.

[Jayson]

Jessica..

[30stone]

What do you call a woman with two brain cells?
Pregnant.

LOL!

[Smithy]

Jessica..

:laugh2:

Nothing will beat that

[Captain.Remy]

Jessica..

Instant win.

[Jessica.]

Jessica..

JgWQ1erBnMo

[Jords]

Jess he said your his favourite joke, I would take it as a compliment. ;)

[Jessica.]

Jess he said your his favourite joke, I would take it as a compliment. ;)

I am!
Before his "internet broke" he said something about me in every comment, maybe he is going back to his old ways.

[Captain.Remy]

I am!
Before his "internet broke" he said something about me in every comment, maybe he is going back to his old ways.

Sweetheart, give it up, he's just owned this thread. :hugesmile:

[Jessica.]

Sweetheart, give it up, he's just owned this thread. :hugesmile:

Shut up!

[Jack_]

:joker:

[Captain.Remy]

Shut up!

Wake me up before you go-go
Don't leave me hanging on like a yo-yo
Wake me up before you go-go
I don't want to miss it when you hit that high
Wake me up before you go-go
'Cause I'm not plannin' on going solo

[Jessica.]

If I am a joke then I don't care!
At least everyone knows who I am.
If ye want to laugh at me ye can.
At least I am being myself and I have been myself from the beginning.
Enjoy the joke.

[Jords]

:bored:

[Chantel]

I dont get all the Jess hate

[Captain.Remy]

If I am a joke then I don't care!
At least everyone knows who I am.
If ye want to laugh at me ye can.
At least I am being myself and I have been myself from the beginning.
Enjoy the joke.

These lyrics are such a fail. Try again.

[Jords]

I dont get all the Jess hate

Me either, she comes up with a few daft threads now and then but shes a lovely person.

[Jessica.]

These lyrics are such a fail. Try again.

They are not lyrics :bored:

[Captain.Remy]

Me either, she comes up with a few daft threads now and then but shes a lovely person.

She's nice but I got to say Jayson's joke was just awesome. :joker: No offence Jess but yeah...

[King Gizzard]

It just purely owned this thread

that is all

[GypsyGoth]

Why you guys picking on Jess?

[Captain.Remy]

Why you guys picking on Jess?

No one is picking on her lol What the hell are you on about ?

[GypsyGoth]

No one is picking on her lol What the hell are you on about ?

Right I must have imagined it :rolleyes:

[Captain.Remy]

Right I must have imagined it :rolleyes:

Good.

[\PJ/]

Kids this is a joke thread not a messica hate thread.

[Jords]

Kids this is a joke thread not a Jessica hate thread.

Fix'd.

PJ is a joke.

[30stone]

Lets get back on topic.

http://i49.tinypic.com/2nuk5u.jpg

[Jack_]

You've heard of Brad Pitt in Ocean's 11 !!!

Now see the new smash hit staring Gary Glitter in... O She's Eleven.

------------------

I received an accidental text yesterday, it said:

Hi, be home soon, love ya, Dave xxx

Being Valentine's Day I thought I'd have a bit of fun so I text the bloke back:

Don't bother, I don't love you, you're a **** & I have been shagging your brother.

I couldn't wait for the reply, then it came:

You ok mum?

[Captain.Remy]

Fix'd.

PJ is a joke.

It was funny the first time. Now it's old. :thumbs:

[Harry!]

You guys wanna hear a funny joke..?
Womens Rights

x

[Jessica.]

Fix'd.

PJ is a joke.

Messica is fine Jords :laugh:

[Jords]

It was funny the first time. Now it's old. :thumbs:

Thing is that wasnt the first time was it? ;)

[Chantel]

How do you save a man from drowning ?
Take your foot of his head

[Jords]

You guys wanna hear a funny joke..?
Womens Rights

x

Harry that was unexpected :laugh:

[Captain.Remy]

Thing is that wasnt the first time was it? ;)

It was actually. It's our little thing with Jess, she's good.

[Niamh.]

What's Brown and Sticky?

A Stick

[Chantel]

How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb ?

One, men will screw anything

[Smithy]

Lets get back on topic.

http://i49.tinypic.com/2nuk5u.jpg

:laugh2:

[Jessica.]

What do you get when you cross a sheep and a kangaroo?
A wooly jumper

[Smithy]

Police have finally admitted they got it wrong in the shooting of Jean Charles de Menez.

It was his naughty brother Dennis they were after.

[Jessica.]

What do the Titanic and 6th sense have in common?
Icey dead people

[30stone]

what's brown and sticky?

a stick

lol!

[\PJ/]

edited

[30stone]

PJ calm yourself lad.


http://www.appletreeblog.com/wp-content/2008/02/sexist-battleship.jpg

[Smithy]

My wife accused me of being self-important.

I nearly fell off my throne.

[Jords]

Edited.

lmfao, I thought I was spose to be on ignore ;)

[Chantel]

Men are like popcorn they satisfy you, but only for a little while.

[setanta]

PJ calm yourself lad.


http://www.appletreeblog.com/wp-content/2008/02/sexist-battleship.jpg

Wow. And the mental thing is that's genuine right?

[\PJ/]

yes you were on ignore i have took you of as i thought it was childish.

[Smithy]

Men are like popcorn they satisfy you, but only for a little while.

I see a lot of women are using this site...

The dinner won't cook itself you know.

[Iceman]

How many men does it take to open a can of beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.

[Captain.Remy]

http://i46.tinypic.com/52jtso.jpg

[Iceman]

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me..."

[Jessica.]

I see a lot of women are using this site...

The dinner won't cook itself you know.

I see a lot of men using this site! Money doesn't grow on trees.

[Iceman]

Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer the sink.

[Chantel]

Why are well-dressed men always married?
Because their wife chooses their clothes for them.

[Smithy]

I see a lot of men using this site! Money doesn't grow on trees.

What do you call a women with an opinion

wrong

[Iceman]

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling
at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

[Iceman]

What's worse than a male chauvinist pig?
A woman that won't do what she's told.

[Chantel]

How does a man show a woman that he is planning for the future?
He buys ten cases of beer.

[Iceman]

A man inserted an advertisement in the classified: "Wife Wanted."
The next day he received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

[Niamh.]

I have a great Joke!!

Men

[Smithy]

Japanese scientists have invented a camera with a shutter that operates so fast, it was recently able to take a picture of a woman with her mouth shut.

[Iceman]

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful.

[Niamh.]

Yo mamas so fat she fell in love and broke it

[Smithy]

If a woman says something, and there isn't a man around to hear her, is she still wrong?

[Captain.Remy]

http://i46.tinypic.com/5zlcfb.jpg

[Jords]

I have a great Joke!!

Men

I have a better joke!

Women

[Chantel]

A man once asked God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?"
God answered: "So you would love her."
"But God," the man asked, "Why did you make her so dumb?"
God replied: "So she would love a wanker like you."

[Jessica.]

Yo mama's so fat when she fell down the stairs I thought EastEnders was ending.

[Smithy]

Yo mamas so fat she fell in love and broke it

:laugh2:

Yo mamas so stupid she climbed over a glass wall to see what was on the other side

[30stone]

http://noquarterusa.net/blog/wp-content/uploads/2008/07/sweetie-r2final.jpg

[Jack_]

A man comes home from work, runs in, sits down in front of the TV and shouts to his wife "Quick! Get me a beer!".

A little confused, the wife goes and gets her husband a beer. He immidiately downs it and says "Quick! Get me a beer! It's going to start any minute!".

This time, a little pissed off, she gets him another beer. Again, he downs it and says "Quick! Quick! Get me a beer! It's going to start any minute!"

This time the wife flips. She screams "How dare you waltz in here thinking you can boss me around whilst you sit on your arse..."

The man says "Oh ****. It's started".

[Smithy]

8008135 women don't understand this joke.

[Jords]

Yo momma so fat she stood on the scales and it read 'to be continued'

[Niamh.]

You mamas so ugly when she was born, the doctor slapped he mother

[Iceman]

What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.

[Smithy]

Dictionary For Womens Personal Ads

40ish............................................. .49
Adventurous....................................... .Slept with all your mates
Athletic.......................................... .No Tits
Average looking....................................Has a face like an arse
Beautiful......................................... .Pathological liar
Contagious smile...................................Does a lot of pills

[Niamh.]

yo mamas so old when she was in school there was no history

[Chantel]

Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking?
They all already have boyfriends.

[Jessica.]

8008135 women don't understand this joke.

I understand it! :bored:
Girls have calculators too!

[Iceman]

Why don't women need drivers licenses?
There is no road between the bedroom and the kitchen

[Niamh.]

yo mamas so old she owes Jesus a fiver

[Iceman]

Why haven't any women ever gone to the moon?
It doesn't need cleaning yet

[Smithy]

After biting from the apple, Adam felt shame and covered himself with a fig leaf.

Eve too felt shame, and covered herself with a fig leaf.

Then she went back behind the bush to try on a maple leaf, an oak, and three varieties of sycamore.

[Harry!]

http://funmeme.com/image.axd?picture=RightsLOL.jpg

...

[Iceman]

What do you do when your dishwasher breaks?
You hit her.

[30stone]

Why don't women need drivers licenses?
There is no road between the bedroom and the kitchen

A man runs over his wife. Whose fault is it?
The man, he shouldn't be driving in the kitchen.

[Iceman]

What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?
Nothing, shes already been told twice.

[Smithy]

A woman is like a pack of cards:

You need a Heart to love her,

You need a Diamond to win her,

You need a Club to smash her head in,

And a Spade to bury the bitch.

[Niamh.]

you mamas so fat everytime she turns around it's her birthday

[Jessica.]

Yo mama so old she was a waitress at the Last Supper.

[Iceman]

Life's A Bitch, Then You Marry One, Then You Die

[Jessica.]

Yo mama so hairy Bigfoot is taking her picture!

[Smithy]

Women don't like to hear men's opinions, they just like to hear their own opinions in a deeper voice.

[30stone]

Why is rape so rare?

because women with their skirts over their heads run faster than men with their pants around their ankles

[Chantel]

You know your boyfriend is in love with you when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days.

[Smithy]

Why do people make snow men instead of snow women?

Because it takes too long to hollow out the head.

[Jessica.]

Yo mama so stupid that she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order!

[Chantel]

Jill: You remind me of the sea.
Jack: Because I'm wild, unpredictable and romantic?
Jill: No, because you make me sick.

[Jessica.]

How do men exercise on the beach?
By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.

[Iceman]

After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, 'You know, I was a fool when I married you.' The husband replied, 'Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice.'

[Jessica.]

How do you get a man to stop biting his nails?
Make him wear shoes.

[Smithy]

My girlfriend told me last Christmas she wanted something suprising and sexy.

Turned out she didn't mean rape.

[Jords]

Yo momma so short she does pull-ups on a staple.

[Niamh.]

Why did the chicken cross the road?

To get to the other side

[Jessica.]

How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals."

[30stone]

http://media.ebaumsworld.com/picture/deshi/womendrivers.png

[Iceman]

why did the chicken cross the road?

to get to the other side

lol

[Jords]

Why did the orange stop rolling down the hill?

Because it ran out of juice

[Niamh.]

Why did the orange stop rolling down the hill?

Because it ran out of juice

hahahahahaha

[Iceman]

Men Are Just Happier People

* Your last name stays put.
* The garage is all yours.
* Wedding plans take care of themselves.
* You can never be pregnant.
* Chocolate is just another snack.
* You can open all your own jars.
* You can play with toys all your life.
* You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
* Car mechanics tell you the truth.
* Your underwear is $9.95 for a three-pack.
* You never have strap problems in public.
* People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
* New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
* You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife.
* Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
* You! are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
* Everything on your face stays its original colour.
* You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache.
* You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
* You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

[Smithy]

A blonde was admitted into hospital for having phone sex. Doctors removed 2 Nokias, 1 Samsung, 2 Motorolas, but no Siemens were found.

[Jessica.]

How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One-He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.

[Chantel]

Why do men prefer blondes?
Men always like intellectual company.

[Smithy]

How do you get 500 cows in a barn?

Put a bingo sign on top of it!

[Jessica.]

What do you call a man with half a brain?
Gifted.

[Chantel]

A woman of 35 thinks of having children. What does a man of 35 think of?
Dating children

[Smithy]

I like my women like I like my whiskey: kept in a cellar and only brought out when a select group of friends come round...

[Jessica.]

What's the difference between Big Foot and intelligent man?
Big Foot's been spotted a several times.

[InOne]

I went to Saudi Arabia recently. They have some amazing laws over there... You know women can't drive? Well over there it's illegal too!

[30stone]

What do you call a man with half a brain?
Gifted.


What do you call a woman with 2 brian cells?

Pregnant

[InOne]

Women's intuition.

Women call it, "women's intuition", men call it, "automatically thinking you're right without having to think too much".

[Smithy]

What do you call a woman with 2 brian cells?

Pregnant

:laugh2:

Ben that doesnt really help :bored:

[30stone]

Simple mistake from typing quickly.

I see no women saw it :)

[Jessica.]

What do you call a woman with 2 brian cells?

Pregnant

That says brian :laugh2:

[Niamh.]

An English cat called One, two, three and a french cat called Un, deux, trois were having a swimming race, who won?

The English cat cos Un, deux, trois, quatre, cinq

[Jessica.]

An English cat called One, two, three and a french cat called Un, deux, trois were having a swimming race, who won?

The English cat cos Un, deux, trois, quatre, cinq

:laugh2:

[30stone]

Old school jokes coming out.

[Jack_]

I know a joke

MeMyselfandI

[Stephanie]

:joker:

[Jessica.]

You have to admit MeMyselfAndI is a bigger joke the me!

[Jess..]

How do u do that Spoiler thing.

[30stone]

MeMyselfandI should get ip and perm ban.

[Jess..]

You have to admit MeMyselfAndI is a bigger joke the me!

don't understand.

[Jack_]

How do u do that Spoiler thing.

:joker:

MeMyselfandI should get ip and perm ban.

I agree, but for different reasons.

[Stephanie]

pmsl :L

[Jessica.]

don't understand.

MM&I again :shocked:
stop making accounts!

[Niamh.]

What did one snowman say to another snowman?

Do you smell carrotts?

[Niamh.]

How do u do that Spoiler thing.

you put whatever you want inbetween

[Niamh.]

I can't do it without making a spoiler lol

[InOne]

Last night the wife said to me that all men generalise.

Opening her mouth and talking ****e .... Typical woman.

[Captain.Remy]

An English cat called One, two, three and a french cat called Un, deux, trois were having a swimming race, who won?

The English cat cos Un, deux, trois, quatre, cinq

I don't get it :conf:

[Niamh.]

I don't get it :conf:

really? said phonetically un deux trois cat sank

[andyman]

Shagged a bird with Brittle Bone disease last night, right little cracker she was.

[GypsyGoth]

I don't get it :conf:

:rolleyes:

[Captain.Remy]

really? said phonetically un deux trois cat sank

Oh wow lol Can't believe I'm French and I didn't get it. :joker:

[Chantel]

Wayne Bridge sent his missus a replica of his cock, made from Cadburys chocolate.

She said she prefers Terry's

[Captain.Remy]

:rolleyes:

Your point is...

[Niamh.]

Oh wow lol Can't believe I'm French and I didn't get it. :joker:

I thought you were taking the piss out of me:bawling:

[Niamh.]

Wayne Bridge sent his missus a replica of his cock, made from Cadburys chocolate.

She said she prefers Terry's

hahahahahaha

[andyman]

My wife came home to find me sniffing my daughter's knickers the other day. Wouldn't have been so bad if my daughter wasn't wearing them at the time!

[Captain.Remy]

I thought you were taking the piss out of me:bawling:

No I wasn't. I really didn't get it, I kept repeating the words but nothing came out of it. :hugesmile:

[Niamh.]

No I wasn't. I really didn't get it, I kept repeating the words but nothing came out of it. :hugesmile:

hehehehe

[sooty]

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling
at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

:hugesmile:

[Smithy]

I'm very confused.

I read in The Sun that the President of the United States has apologised for cheating on his wife. If that's the case, why are they still hounding him about cheating on Cheryl? And why didn't he use that time to apologise for his hand-ball against Ireland? And when is he returning to golf? This man has a lot to answer for.

[alc09]

Any England ones?

"Golden generation"? They are now since Germany just pissed all over them.

---

What's Matthew Upson's favourite pub?

Walkabout

----

Nothing says "I'm about to lose my job, so I may aswell have some fun" like bringing on Emile Heskey to provide a goal threat when three down

----

David Blaine is said to be gutted as his record for doing nothing in a box for 44days has been broken by Wayne Rooney

----

What's the difference between Emile Heskey and Harvey Price?

No seriously, what is it?

[lol]

My mate told me this really sick one, idk if it's already been said but meh.

What's great about ****ing twentythree year olds?

There's 20 of em. :L

[King Gizzard]

Any England ones?

"Golden generation"? They are now since Germany just pissed all over them.

---

What's Matthew Upson's favourite pub?

Walkabout

----

Nothing says "I'm about to lose my job, so I may aswell have some fun" like bringing on Emile Heskey to provide a goal threat when three down

----

David Blaine is said to be gutted as his record for doing nothing in a box for 44days has been broken by Wayne Rooney

----

What's the difference between Emile Heskey and Harvey Price?

No seriously, what is it?

Nick Clegg demands England be given a role in World Cup quarter final. 'We scored 20% of the goals,' says Deputy Prime Minister.

[lol]

3 guys walk into a bar.
Luckily the other guy manages to duck. :L

[Visage]

Old Mr Jones went to his surgery for his annual health check.

The practice nurse said to him, Mr Jones you have to stop masturbating.

Why, he said.

Because I'm trying to examine you she replied

[Visage]

What would Wayne Rooney be if he hadn't been a footballer?
A Virgin.

[Visage]

Spent £3,000 on aboob job for the missus, she's all smiles

Spent another £2,000 on a nose job for her, she's delighted.

Spent £30 for myself on a blowjob, she goes mental.

Women eh !!

[InOne]

England

[Visage]

We've had a severe weather warning - apparently there's a shower of ****e coming in from South Africa!

Fifa have opened a special freephone helpline for any England fans who have been embarrassed by the German goal bashing. Its 0800 41 41 41

[Smithy]

Michelle on Manycam :)

[lol]

Rob Green jokes are getting out of hand, they're crossing the line.

Jew jokes aren't funny, Anne Frankly I shall not stand them.

[CaraRawr]

what would wayne rooney be if he hadn't been a footballer?
A virgin.

rofl.

[BB_Eye]

It's Christmas morning. Billy and Timmy wake up at the crack of dawn, run down the hall to drag their parents out of bed, and fly down the stairs to the pile of presents around the tree.

When the dust settles, Billy has all these great presents: a video game system, a big-ass Nerf gun that shoots 8 different kinds of projectiles, one of those electric slot car tracks where the cars climb up the wall ahd go through loops. But then he notices that Timmy only got one present--a little Matchbox car, which he's pushing back and forth in the corner.

"Gee, Timmy," Billy says, "I guess I sure got more presents than you this year."

Timmy says, "Yeah, well at least I don't have cancer."

[Visage]

The Environment Agency has issued a severe flood warning for Scotland. The warning is linked to many Scottish football fans p*ss*ng themselves

[Visage]

To try and forget the debacle of the world cup, Fabio Capello has arranged a friendly against Iceland to try and get a bit of pride and passion back into the national team. If they win that one, further games could be arranged against Tesco's and Sainsbury's

[alc09]

Freddie Mercury is called in to see God. God says 'Freddie I always liked your music and I'm going to give you another life on earth, what do you want to be?'
Freddie says 'I want to be Englands goalkeeper.'
God asks 'Why?'
Freddie replies 'I'll have 10 arseholes in front of me, 50,000 pricks behind me and I won't be able to catch anything.'
________________________

Police have finally admitted they got it wrong in the shooting of Jean Charles de Menez.

It was his naughty little brother Dennis they were after.
________________________

1976 - Robert De Niro - Taxi Driver
3 Oscars & 3 Emmys.

2010 - Derek Bird - Taxi Driver

1 Oscar, 2 Emma's, 2 Billy's, 1 Mark & 1 Gary.
________________________

The England players visited an orphanage in South Africa this morning.
"It's so good to put a smile on the faces of people constantly struggling and facing the impossible", said Jamal Umboto aged 6......

[Smithy]

Practice makes perfect, but too much practice makes you a *****.

MICHELLE/NIAMH

[King Gizzard]

Cheryl Cole has got Malaria..I guess she didn't need a parachute then, she needed a net.

[Niamh.]

Practice makes perfect, but too much practice makes you a *****.

MICHELLE/NIAMH

:shocked: Smithy!!!! I'm a married woman, you tramp!:nono:

[Smithy]

That clearly doesn't matter to you :nono:

[Niamh.]

That clearly doesn't matter to you :nono:

:shocked:

I have a good Joke for you

SMITHY.

[Smithy]

:shocked:

I have a good Joke for you

SMITHY.

/cliché

[Niamh.]

/cliché

/whog

[King Gizzard]

No one looked at THE AMAZING joke I posted

[Smithy]

No one looked at THE AMAZING joke I posted

I found it funny :bigsmile:

[Smithy]

/whog

Whorg

[Niamh.]

No one looked at THE AMAZING joke I posted

I was too busy laughing at Smithy:joker:

[Smithy]

I was too busy laughing at Smithy:joker:

....and his amazing jokes?

[Niamh.]

....and his amazing jokes?

no Smithy, you big ginger fool!

[Smithy]

:O

[Shasown]

A 14 year old girl from Norfolk wrote a letter to Jeremy Kyle;

Dear Jeremy, I'm the only girl in my class that isn't pregnant. I'd like to appear on your show to find out whether its me or my brother whos infertile.

[Smithy]

:shocked:

rofl

[Smithy]

A dyslexic friend of mine has been arrested at the World Cup for attempting to blow a Zulu's vulva.

[Smithy]

Dear Walkers Crisps,

Your crisps are really tasty. When will you be making a full bag?

[Shasown]

Dear Walkers Crisps,

Your crisps are really tasty. When will you be making a full bag?

You know thats very true, saying that though they do pack the corn snacks which are full of additives into their bags.

[InOne]

I met a fairy today who granted me one wish. "I want to live forever," I said.
"Sorry," said the fairy, "I'm not allowed to grant wishes like that."
"Fine," I said, "I want to die when West Brom win the premier league."
"You crafty ****!" said the fairy

[Shasown]

Can't wait for Grand Theft Auto: Tyneside to hit the shops

Is karate for amputees called partial arts?


Got sent home from school today by the Headmaster for wanking in assembly. That's my teaching career over.

If anyone bumps into Raoul Moat, tell him justin bieber was shagging his girlfriend

I wonder if Northumbria Police have tried offering Raoul Moat some pussy yet? He's a ****ing ginger, he'll be out of his hiding place faster than you can say "virgin"

[InOne]

My wife called me an annoying **** the other day.

I almost choked on my vuvuzela.

[Shasown]

My wife walked out on me after I blew our life savings on a penis extension.

She said she just couldn't take it any longer.

Have you noticed that Superman, Batman and Spiderman dont have parents. I kill off mine and I'm the bad guy?!

[InOne]

We're all getting them from the same site xD

[alc09]

Northumberland police have put a 10k reward for the capture of Raoul Moat & if he isn't caught by next wednesday then they make it 20k.

Now thats what a call I Raoul over!
______________________

Funny how times change - in medieval times, you'd have felt secure if you'd had a Moat running round your village!

[Visage]

A lady, desperate for companionship took out an ad in the local paper. It read: "I need a man who won't beat me up...won't run away with other women, but he's gotta be great in bed". The next day the doorbell rang, and she found a quadriplegic on her doorstep. "You have no arms" she said... he answered: "I won't beat you" "you have no legs" she protested... he said "I won't run away with other women!" Embarrassed she inquired: "How can you be great in bed?" His answer: "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"

[Visage]

http://sphotos.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-ash2/hs015.ash2/34125_407079777605_704052605_4947301_970253_n.jpg

[Visage]

What's the difference between Cheryl Cole and Robert Green?

Cheryl caught something in Africa.


I was in a porno cinema the other night. I hadn't been there five minutes when some guy started yelling at me: "Oh, you're a beast, you're despicable!"

So I said to him: "Listen mate, we're all here together, you're just as despicable as I am." But then other people started chipping in, shouting stuff like "How do you sleep at night?" and "You're a total disgrace."

Next thing I knew the manager was standing right beside me, throwing in his two pence worth as well. I remember what he said to the letter. He said: "In 25 years I've never seen anything like this."

So I said: "I know I'm not much to look at but that's a bit harsh, isn't it?" But he wasn't listening, he was just waving his arms saying he was going to "throw me out" and that security was "on its way."

At that point I just thought "Oh, I don't need this".

So I stood up and said: "Sod it, come on kids we're leaving."

[BB_Eye]

Q: What do you get when you cross a scouser with a Jehovah's Witness?

A: Somebody who knocks on your door at six in the morning, tells you to **** off and headbutts you.