Romantic Old Bird
04-08-2002, 05:34 PM
Scene One: A white transit van parked in a lay-by near you. The rear windows have been blacked out. In the front seat is a ginger haired man with a beard. He is wearing an Elastoplast pink neck support
Friday 2nd August 2002
The man speaks directly into his digi-cam, which is clamped to the dashboard:
“Hello viewers, this is Avid Merrion speaking to you from my lovely van. I hope you like this idea; I got it from the Alex. It is good.
You may remember seeing me in my little films whilst Big Brother was on. I made them with love. I looked as if I had kidnapped the housemates from Big Brother 1 and 2 but it was only a joke. They were not really my prisoners.
Big Brother said they would reward me if I did my little films, but I am sorry to say I still have not heard from them. I want to go on next year and I must have an answer
So today I have decided to kidnap them for real. They did not mind because they thought it was for a trailer for the final programme and they need the work. Avid was very nice and very cunning, like a fox.
Now I have had to leave my home because I think the Police might close me in. So I put all my lovely friends here in the van and we are hitting the road.
It is a nice van, and I have lots of pictures on the walls, and cushions, and it is just like home. Only smaller. And it moves.
It is very warm.
If you want to see them roaming free again you must speak to Big Brother for me. We will wait here.”
__________________________________________________ __
Scene Two:
Same day
A flat in the Borough of Barnet, North London. Paul Clarke, 26, sometime ex- Big Brother contestant and car door designer is a very unhappy man. He has arrived home to find that his dinner is not waiting on the table for him.
He picks up his phone and starts to compose a text message as follows:
...............................
‘Listen babe, I’m sorry alright? If this is to do with what I said about that Versace’ swirley top thing, I don’t really think you look chunky in it. I was only joking. You look sensational, and you are right, it was very reasonable and my trainers don’t really need replacing yet.
Please come home. There’s nothing for tea and I have had to eat a milky way and some smoky bacon crisps because that’s all there was. And I miss my cuddle. I’m all on my own here m8! It’s not cool, not cool at all.
P.S. I love you, right?’
.................................................. .......
__________________________________________________ __
Scene Three
10 am Saturday 3rd August 2002. A white van sitting anonymously in a quiet street in Barnet
The window winds down and a red haired man shouts at a passing couple who ask why there are muffled sounds coming out of the back.
“No, go away! It is only Fluffy, my trans-sexual Rottweiler. He knows we are going to the vet for his gender re-alignment and he is getting very excited!”
Avid closes the van window and addresses the digi-cam on his dashboard.
“Oh, Hello viewers, sorry about that. Avid here again! Those stupid people!
Anyway, we have been parked on the road overnight and my friends were all getting a bit tired. So I have let some of them go. I have put Mr. Nasty Nick in a big red NORBERT DENTRESSANGLE truck to Greenland. He was not a nice man, so I have sent him somewhere where it is not so very warm. Let us see if he is so clever now.
To show I am a good person I have sent Bubble back to his little girl. I just dropped him off this morning on a nice quiet little farm track only a short ten-mile walk from South Mimms. He will soon be with her again. Craig is now building a nice new cupboard for my Aunt Hildebrand in Pinner, and she says she is keeping him for Christmas.
But I still must have a promise from Big Brother so I have kept the lovely Helen.
I like Helen. She is loud, like my Jade. I think I love her as well, but she wants to go home to Paul. This is good because Paul is a nice boy. I thought about bringing him with me as well, but I know if I take his Helen he will make Big Brother pick me so he can have her back.
I know it is cruel but I think they will forgive me because they know I am warm.
Now I am going to deliver my demands.”
__________________________________________________ __
Scene Four
Same day
Paul gets worried and rings his mum.
“Hello Mum, listen. Bad news, I’ve lost Helen.
Where did I last see her?
In bed on Friday morning when I went to work. What’s that got to do with it?
Yes, she does get up with me sometimes, but she looked really sweet lying there when I got up, dribbling and stuff, so I left her.
What? No, well maybe a little argument about something she bought, but we made up later.
Still cross really? I don’t think so mum.
You could be right I suppose. She might have gone back to Wales. I’ll ring her mum in a bit.
Hang on mum, someone at the door, gotta go. Maybe Helen forgot her key.
What? Yeah, course I still love you as well.
What? Yeah, yeah, 'mwah' 'mwah' to you too, OK?
Mum, gotta go!! Bye!”
Paul opens the door to see a man strangely clad in a black wig and dress.
Paul: “Err, yeah?”
Stranger: “Hello. You are Mr. Paul Clarke I believe?”
Paul: “I am, who are you?”
Stranger: “ I cannot believe you have forgotten me. I am the lovely Davina!”
Paul: “I don’t think so mate!”
Stranger: “ I am and I have this letter for you. Thankyou please!”
Paul glances down for just a moment at the envelope the stranger has pushed into his hand. He looks up to see he has disappeared.
Paul rips open the letter and sees Helens handwriting inside:
__________________________________________________ __
__________________________________________________ __
Mr. Clarke! Please help me!
I am all on my own!
Well, I’m in a van with Avid Merrion! He won’t hurt me but he won’t let me come home to you unless you make Big Brother promise to take him for BB4.
I’m not really scared, but I miss you and I missed my cuddle. Please help me.
Lots of love and stuff
Your Helen
Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx xxxxxxxxxxxxxx
P.S. I left you some nice brioche in the bread bin.
__________________________________________________ __
__________________________________________________ __
“Oh, bless her, even when she’s bin kidnapped she’s thinking of me!”
Paul looks up in time to see his strange visitor, minus his wig, vainly trying to start the engine of his van. Grabbing his car keys, he bounds down the stairs and emerges on the pavement just as the van’s engine turns, catches, backfires loudly and starts to move away.
“Shit! I didn't think that really was Davina. Avid bloody Merrion! I am hot on the trail! I told H that man was a nutter! I will leave no stone unturned. I will climb mountains, I will forge streams. I will fight dragons. I'm coming Helen! Now, where's me shades?”
Paul quickly catches up with the old transit van, and travels behind whilst he tries to call in the troops to support him.
“Hello, is that the police? Yeah? Right, listen, I’m chasing this white van, and it’s got this nutter in it. He’s got my Helen in the back!
Who am I? I’m Paul Clarke. What’s that got to do with it? Her name? Helen, Helen Adams.
What? Yes. Yes we were. Yes, still together. Mate, it don’t bloody matter now, ‘cos not at the moment we’re not.
What, left me? NO! SHE AIN’T BLOODY LEFT ME!!! She’s bin kidnapped! No, I ain't bin drinking! Oh, bloody hell, never mind.”
Paul slams down his mobile and slows the car a little, keeping the van just in view.
P: “I can see I’m in this on my own. Clarkey, you can do it. Just keep cool mate, it’s a piece of cake. Phew! I'm calm. No worries. Ooops, hang on, what's he doing now? Great. He’s backing into that space over there.
It all looks a bit familiar to me round here. Where are we? Let’s look in me A-Z.
Bermondsey? Hang on, now I know where I’ve seen that place before. It’s where Jade lives! I wonder what he’s up to now? He’s leaving the van!! Maybe my Helen is inside. I’m coming H!!”
Paul gets out of the Audi. Seeing a group of kids pointing at his car he locks it carefully and calls the biggest one over.
“Listen kid, want to earn a couple of quid?” he asks.
“Alright Mister, yeah, I’ll watch your car for you, but I reckon it’ll cost you about £10”
“Bloody hell, that’s flaming outrageous!” said Paul.
“Up to you mate” said the lad, “Please yourself!”
“Nah, you’re right, well worth it. Here’s £10, watch it properly and I’ll give you another tenner when I get back!”
“OK!” said the youth cheerfully.
Paul adopted his best furtive walk and approached the van slowly.
Boy: “You alright mister? You’re walking all funny. You in pain or sumfink?”
P: “Shhh!”
Paul darts behind the van quickly as he sees the door of Jade’s flat open. He sighs with relief as he sees Avid go inside.
Having tried the doors of the van with no success, he taps gently on the side of the van.
“You in there H?”
From inside he thinks he hears a sound, and knocks again. A muffled cry comes back.
“It’s Paul!!! I’ve come to rescue you. I’m coming to get you babe! Don’t worry!”
Looking round him in desperation he fails to find anything to prise the door open. His Eiffel tower bottle opener key ring buckles almost immediately under the strain, but the door remains unmoved.
P: “How the hell do people break into these things?”
Reluctantly he picks up a broken brick to smash his way in. He had been well brought up, and it was against the grain, but needs must.
“Hang on a minute, that’s not the way to do it” came a voice behind him.
He looks around to see the boy who he had paid to watch the Audi right behind him.
P: “I don’t care. I gotta do it. My Helen might be in there!”
Boy: “Don’t do it like that!”
P: “Listen, I know it’s completely out of order, but I gotta get into this van!”
Paul draws his arm back to lob the brick through the window.
P: “Duck H, I’m gonna throw it in now.”
B: “You can’t.”
The boy walks round and stands in front of him
P: “Outta my way, I gotta break this window”
B: “No, I told the bloke I’d watch it for him”
P: “But you’re watching mine!”
B: “What can I say, it’s a living!”
P: “Listen, I don’t care any more. You are going to have to move, because my Helen is in that van, she don’t want to be, and I’m going to get her”
B: “I might be able to help you mister, but it’ll cost yer.”
P: “I thought it might. But it would be brilliant if you could! How though?”
B: “Well, I’ll need compensation.”
P: “For what?”
B: “What I would have got when he came out of course.”
P: “Oh yeah, fair play, I’m with you. How much?”
B: “I reckon it’s worth at least £20.”
P: “Christ, alright then. Here you are.”
B: “And, another £20 for opening the van”
P: “Yeah, yeah, alright, just get on with it”
B: “What about my reputation though, I mean, I’m taking a risk. I might get caught. I make a lot of money round here, watching cars. Specially over the last few weeks. I’m taking me mam to Disneyland! I stand to lose all of that!”
P: “I think you’ll manage. OK, how much? Let’s just get on with it!”
B: “I’ll do you a deal mister. £100 for the lot. Can’t say fairer than that!”
P: “Bloody hell, you earn more in an hour than I do. Alright, here you are, £80,90, 95, I ain’t got the rest on me, that will have to do!”
B: “I’ll take plastic!”
P: “Listen, I don’t believe in hurting kids, but you aren’t one, you’re a little monster. You’ll need a bloody plastic surgeon in a minute!”
B: “Alright, keep your hair on, I’ll take £95”
P: “Right, now how are you going to open that door?”
B: “With these!” (Jangling a set of keys in front of him)
P: “Where the hell did you get them from?”
B: “He left them in the ignition!”
P: “You little ****! Give me those and go back and watch my car!”
Just at that moment the door opens on the first floor maisonette.
Avid: “Bye bye Jackie. I will be back for my tea later. Give my Jade a big kiss for me, and don’t forget to feed the chickens!”
Paul unlocks and flings open the van doors.
P: “Helen!!! Babe! Are you alright? “ he said, pulling the gag from her mouth
H: (Croakily) “Oh Paul, I never thought you’d get here. It’s been awful.”
P:”I know, don’t worry, I’m here, and we gotta go quick. Don’t try to talk.”
Paul scoops her up and of the van, only to be met by Avid, standing, arms folded in front of him.
A: “Paul Clarke you must give the Helen back to me immediately. I want Big Brother to tell me that I am going in next year”
P: “No way mate. You are not having her back. She is coming home with me. I miss her and I want my dinner!”
H: “Oh Paul, you’re so hunky when you’re cross!”
P: “Mate, you ain’t seen nothing yet. My body is a weapon! I am an Ultimate Fighting Machine!”
H: “You are lovely”
P: “Yeah, and so are you!”
H: “I missed my Mr. Clarke!”
P: ”And I missed you babe!”
H: “Did you wonder where I was?”
P: “I thought you had left me”
H: “I’d never do that to you Paul Clarke”.
P: “I thought you had”
H: “Did you? Was you lonely last night?”
P: “Mate, I couldn’t sleep. That bed was so big and empty”
H; “Aaah, no cuddles. Bless your little cotton socks”
P: “I know”
H: “You was all on your own”
P: “I was”
H: “And I was. Big hug???”
Avid: “Excuse me please. Excuse? EXCUSE ME!!”
Paul and Helen look up from their embrace
A: “Please put the lady down. I am in the middle of a kidnap”.
P: “Forget it mate. It’s all over. You ain’t touching her again. This girl is coming home with me”
A: “Why should she? She might want to come home with me. After all, she is not yours.”
P: “She bloody is mate. She’s my girl”
A: “Aaah, but she’s not your wife.”
P: “That don’t matter. She knows she’s my girl.”
A: “I will marry her. Will you marry me Helen?”
H: “That’s really nice of you to ask me Avid.”
A: “I know. I will marry you if you want me to. I am a nice boy”
H: “You are.”
P: “Hang on a minute, what’s going on here? I am a nice boy as well.”
H: “You are nice, but you’re not as nice as Avid. You never asked me to marry you, did you?”
P: “Fair do’s, I didn’t. But we agreed H, we can’t rush it.”
H: “Yes, you agreed”
P: “WE agreed Helen. I can’t agree with just myself can I?”
H: “You can. You do it all the time. I’ve heard you.”
P: “Maybe I do take the decisions sometimes Helen, because otherwise we wouldn’t decide nothing!”
H: “You mean YOU wouldn’t decide nothing!”
P: “Bloody hell!! You agreed when we talked about it that it was to soon to get engaged!”
H: “I did.”
P: “There you go then!”
H: “But that was last August Paul!
P: “Yeah, and we’re still together, and nothings changed.”
H: “Exactly.”
P: “That’s a good thing”.
Avid: “Excuse me people! It is still me here. Avid! Have you forgotten about me, just like Big Brother?”
P&H: “Shut up Avid!”
A: “That is not very nice”.
H: “Sorry Avid. I was talking to Mr. Clarke.”
A: “What has he got that I haven’t?”
H: “I’m beginning to wonder that myself. Ask me again Avid.”
A: “Ask you what?”
H: “Ask me if I’ll marry you”.
A: “Oh, OK. Will you marry me Helen? I am warm!”
H: “Yes!”
A: “You will? That is wonderful. I am a very happy man. We will be in Hello magazine, the lovely Davina will have a new hat, and we will have a lovely Big Brother wedding. I hope Jade will not mind too much.”
P: “Hang on a minute. What’s going on here? You are joking aren’t you Helen?”
A: “of course she isn’t. We are getting married and there will be lots of Big Brother babies, all with red hair………”
H: “That’s right. Me and Avid. As soon as we can!”
P: “But Helen, what about you and me? I thought we were together for ever!”
H: “Did you?”
P: “Of course I did. You knew I that!”
H: “No I didn’t. How would I know?”
P: “Because I told you.”
H: “You never!”
P: “I did too! I told you I loved you. I told you everyday!”
H: “True, I suppose.”
P: “Yeah, well there you go.”
H: “You did but that’s all you said”
P: “Well what did you want me to say?”
H: “Will you marry me, of course!”
P: “Will you marry me?”
H: “YES!!!!!!!”
P: “What?”
H: “Of course I’ll marry you Paul!”
P: “Hang on a minute………….”
A: “Oh, well, I thought it was too good to be true. Never mind. There is still Jade. I forgive you Helen.”
P: “Bloody hell. Listen, I was just asking what she said.”
H: “You asked me to marry you Paul, and I said yes”
A: “She did. I heard her. And you.”
Boy: “Yeah, and I heard you as well Mister. You asked her!”
P: “I suppose I did. Fair play. I was going to ask you anyway. I was, honestly. And I would like to marry you.”
H: “I know you would Paul. You just need a bit of encouragement sometimes to take the final step”.
P: “I’ll go and get the car. Oh, and Avid? No more funny business, OK? I will try to talk to Big Brother for you. I don’t know if they’ll listen, but I’ll try.”
A: “Thankyou Paul. It’s alright. I will be happy to be your best man instead.”
P: “Yeah, well, sorry mate, no can do. That will be my best mate Robert.”
A: “It’s OK. I will just take Helen back into the van then.”
P: “No, it’s alright, Avid. I’m sure Rob won’t mind being an usher!
H: “Paul! Brian and Mark are the ushers. I’ve asked them already!”
A: “I could be a page boy. I would carry the train of the lovely Helen.”
P: “Cool! That’s it, settled then! I’ll get the car.”
Paul walks off to the Audi.
P: “You ready babe?”
H: “Yes, just a minute Mr. Clarke. I’ll be there. I’m not going to let you get away now am I?”
P: (Laughing) “No, I suppose not!”
A: (whispering to Helen) “Did I give a satisfactory performance? Was I convincing?”
H: “You were fan-bloody-tastic Avid! I thought he would NEVER ask! You don’t think I was awful do you, doing that to poor old Paul Clarke?”
A: “No, I think you were entirely justified my dear.”
H: “So how much do I owe you?”
A: “My dear, we agreed, basic Equity rates. In fact, you can donate my fees to a charity of your choice. The director of the National called me yesterday. They were so impressed by my contemporary pieces that they want me to audition for their Beckett season!”
H: “Lovely – I think. Is that good?”
A: “Good? It’s wonderful! My career is saved. I have respectability. I am still young enough to do Hamlet! I am on the brink of international recognition!
And now, I must away. Farewell, fair maid. Well met! Come Peregine, time for tiffin I think!”
Boy/Peregrine: “On my way Valentine. A wonderful day for all concerned. May I just say I thought you were magnificent!”
Avid/Valentine: “You’re too kind my boy. Will you drive, or shall I?”
Boy/Peregrine: “I think you had better take the wheel. My make-up is a triumph if I say so myself. A little too convincing I fear.”
A/V: “Too true. We don’t want to earn ourselves a ticking off from the local constabulary when we are on the brink of international fame and celebrity, do we!”
As the van chugs and splutters out of the car park Paul pulls up beside Helen.
P: “What was you saying to him then H?”
H: (Getting into the car) “Oh. Nothing really. Just apologizing to him for letting him down after I said I would marry him”.
P: “I suppose that's only fair. You wouldn’t have married him though would you H?”
H: “No, not if I can be Mrs. Clarke instead”.
P: “You really want that?”
H: “Yeah!”
P: “It’s really, really weird, because I thought you didn’t ever want to get married”.
H: “I didn’t”
P: “That’s what I thought! So what made you change your mind?”
H: “I met you Paul.”
P: Is that all?”
H: “That’s all.”
P: “It’s a good job that nutter came along then, because I thought you still didn’t. I respected your position massively. I might NEVER have asked!”
H: “Yeah, really lucky Mr. Clarke. It might have seemed really bad at the time but………..”
P: “But nothing Helen. It was bad. Really, really bad!!”
H: “Yeah! Really bad, that’s what I said. Paul, if you’ll just let me finish!”
P: “Sorry. It was bad then, OK, but what?”
H: “BUT, it turned out to be goood.”
P: “It did.”
H: “So, it was quite cool really.”
P: “I suppose.”
H: “Yeah! Double cool!”
P: “Triple cool in fact!”
H: “Are you chilling those boots Mr. Clarke?”
P: “They are chilling as we speak babe. Now, here we are. Let’s get in. I’m starving. What are you going to make me for dinner Mrs. Clarke?”
H: “Mmmmm, I’m going to make you…let me see…….pick up that phone and order an Indian!”
P: “Fair play.”
Paul orders the Balti special for two, with extra Naan. He shouts through to the kitchen from the lounge:
“It’s gonna take 40 minutes at least H and I’m gonna have a kip. Wake me up when it comes will you. I’ll just lie here on the sofa”
H: “Alright love, I will. It’s nice to be home Paul.”
P: “It is. I just need a little sleep. Hang on, what’s this digging into me back? H?”
Paul pulls a wodge of something from under the cushion. He sits up again and looks at what he has found.
P: “Helen, what’s all this cloth I found under the cushion?”
H: (Dashing into the room) “What cloth? Oh, that! It’s just some material samples Paul and Rhoda brought me to look at.”
P: “That’s nice. What’s it for?”
H: “Oh, just a dress.”
P: “Right. When were they here then?”
H: “On Friday. They was just passing.”
P: “Nice."
H: “It was. You have a little sleep Paul. I’ll take that out of your way shall I?”
P: “Right”
H: “Sleep well Mr. Clarke”
P: “Yeah, I will. Oh,and H?”
H: “Yes, Paul?
P: “ Tell them I’d prefer blue for the bridesmaids dresses.”
H: "What did you say Paul? Paul?"
http://www.onedns.co.uk/thisisbigbrother/ROB.jpg
Friday 2nd August 2002
The man speaks directly into his digi-cam, which is clamped to the dashboard:
“Hello viewers, this is Avid Merrion speaking to you from my lovely van. I hope you like this idea; I got it from the Alex. It is good.
You may remember seeing me in my little films whilst Big Brother was on. I made them with love. I looked as if I had kidnapped the housemates from Big Brother 1 and 2 but it was only a joke. They were not really my prisoners.
Big Brother said they would reward me if I did my little films, but I am sorry to say I still have not heard from them. I want to go on next year and I must have an answer
So today I have decided to kidnap them for real. They did not mind because they thought it was for a trailer for the final programme and they need the work. Avid was very nice and very cunning, like a fox.
Now I have had to leave my home because I think the Police might close me in. So I put all my lovely friends here in the van and we are hitting the road.
It is a nice van, and I have lots of pictures on the walls, and cushions, and it is just like home. Only smaller. And it moves.
It is very warm.
If you want to see them roaming free again you must speak to Big Brother for me. We will wait here.”
__________________________________________________ __
Scene Two:
Same day
A flat in the Borough of Barnet, North London. Paul Clarke, 26, sometime ex- Big Brother contestant and car door designer is a very unhappy man. He has arrived home to find that his dinner is not waiting on the table for him.
He picks up his phone and starts to compose a text message as follows:
...............................
‘Listen babe, I’m sorry alright? If this is to do with what I said about that Versace’ swirley top thing, I don’t really think you look chunky in it. I was only joking. You look sensational, and you are right, it was very reasonable and my trainers don’t really need replacing yet.
Please come home. There’s nothing for tea and I have had to eat a milky way and some smoky bacon crisps because that’s all there was. And I miss my cuddle. I’m all on my own here m8! It’s not cool, not cool at all.
P.S. I love you, right?’
.................................................. .......
__________________________________________________ __
Scene Three
10 am Saturday 3rd August 2002. A white van sitting anonymously in a quiet street in Barnet
The window winds down and a red haired man shouts at a passing couple who ask why there are muffled sounds coming out of the back.
“No, go away! It is only Fluffy, my trans-sexual Rottweiler. He knows we are going to the vet for his gender re-alignment and he is getting very excited!”
Avid closes the van window and addresses the digi-cam on his dashboard.
“Oh, Hello viewers, sorry about that. Avid here again! Those stupid people!
Anyway, we have been parked on the road overnight and my friends were all getting a bit tired. So I have let some of them go. I have put Mr. Nasty Nick in a big red NORBERT DENTRESSANGLE truck to Greenland. He was not a nice man, so I have sent him somewhere where it is not so very warm. Let us see if he is so clever now.
To show I am a good person I have sent Bubble back to his little girl. I just dropped him off this morning on a nice quiet little farm track only a short ten-mile walk from South Mimms. He will soon be with her again. Craig is now building a nice new cupboard for my Aunt Hildebrand in Pinner, and she says she is keeping him for Christmas.
But I still must have a promise from Big Brother so I have kept the lovely Helen.
I like Helen. She is loud, like my Jade. I think I love her as well, but she wants to go home to Paul. This is good because Paul is a nice boy. I thought about bringing him with me as well, but I know if I take his Helen he will make Big Brother pick me so he can have her back.
I know it is cruel but I think they will forgive me because they know I am warm.
Now I am going to deliver my demands.”
__________________________________________________ __
Scene Four
Same day
Paul gets worried and rings his mum.
“Hello Mum, listen. Bad news, I’ve lost Helen.
Where did I last see her?
In bed on Friday morning when I went to work. What’s that got to do with it?
Yes, she does get up with me sometimes, but she looked really sweet lying there when I got up, dribbling and stuff, so I left her.
What? No, well maybe a little argument about something she bought, but we made up later.
Still cross really? I don’t think so mum.
You could be right I suppose. She might have gone back to Wales. I’ll ring her mum in a bit.
Hang on mum, someone at the door, gotta go. Maybe Helen forgot her key.
What? Yeah, course I still love you as well.
What? Yeah, yeah, 'mwah' 'mwah' to you too, OK?
Mum, gotta go!! Bye!”
Paul opens the door to see a man strangely clad in a black wig and dress.
Paul: “Err, yeah?”
Stranger: “Hello. You are Mr. Paul Clarke I believe?”
Paul: “I am, who are you?”
Stranger: “ I cannot believe you have forgotten me. I am the lovely Davina!”
Paul: “I don’t think so mate!”
Stranger: “ I am and I have this letter for you. Thankyou please!”
Paul glances down for just a moment at the envelope the stranger has pushed into his hand. He looks up to see he has disappeared.
Paul rips open the letter and sees Helens handwriting inside:
__________________________________________________ __
__________________________________________________ __
Mr. Clarke! Please help me!
I am all on my own!
Well, I’m in a van with Avid Merrion! He won’t hurt me but he won’t let me come home to you unless you make Big Brother promise to take him for BB4.
I’m not really scared, but I miss you and I missed my cuddle. Please help me.
Lots of love and stuff
Your Helen
Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx xxxxxxxxxxxxxx
P.S. I left you some nice brioche in the bread bin.
__________________________________________________ __
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“Oh, bless her, even when she’s bin kidnapped she’s thinking of me!”
Paul looks up in time to see his strange visitor, minus his wig, vainly trying to start the engine of his van. Grabbing his car keys, he bounds down the stairs and emerges on the pavement just as the van’s engine turns, catches, backfires loudly and starts to move away.
“Shit! I didn't think that really was Davina. Avid bloody Merrion! I am hot on the trail! I told H that man was a nutter! I will leave no stone unturned. I will climb mountains, I will forge streams. I will fight dragons. I'm coming Helen! Now, where's me shades?”
Paul quickly catches up with the old transit van, and travels behind whilst he tries to call in the troops to support him.
“Hello, is that the police? Yeah? Right, listen, I’m chasing this white van, and it’s got this nutter in it. He’s got my Helen in the back!
Who am I? I’m Paul Clarke. What’s that got to do with it? Her name? Helen, Helen Adams.
What? Yes. Yes we were. Yes, still together. Mate, it don’t bloody matter now, ‘cos not at the moment we’re not.
What, left me? NO! SHE AIN’T BLOODY LEFT ME!!! She’s bin kidnapped! No, I ain't bin drinking! Oh, bloody hell, never mind.”
Paul slams down his mobile and slows the car a little, keeping the van just in view.
P: “I can see I’m in this on my own. Clarkey, you can do it. Just keep cool mate, it’s a piece of cake. Phew! I'm calm. No worries. Ooops, hang on, what's he doing now? Great. He’s backing into that space over there.
It all looks a bit familiar to me round here. Where are we? Let’s look in me A-Z.
Bermondsey? Hang on, now I know where I’ve seen that place before. It’s where Jade lives! I wonder what he’s up to now? He’s leaving the van!! Maybe my Helen is inside. I’m coming H!!”
Paul gets out of the Audi. Seeing a group of kids pointing at his car he locks it carefully and calls the biggest one over.
“Listen kid, want to earn a couple of quid?” he asks.
“Alright Mister, yeah, I’ll watch your car for you, but I reckon it’ll cost you about £10”
“Bloody hell, that’s flaming outrageous!” said Paul.
“Up to you mate” said the lad, “Please yourself!”
“Nah, you’re right, well worth it. Here’s £10, watch it properly and I’ll give you another tenner when I get back!”
“OK!” said the youth cheerfully.
Paul adopted his best furtive walk and approached the van slowly.
Boy: “You alright mister? You’re walking all funny. You in pain or sumfink?”
P: “Shhh!”
Paul darts behind the van quickly as he sees the door of Jade’s flat open. He sighs with relief as he sees Avid go inside.
Having tried the doors of the van with no success, he taps gently on the side of the van.
“You in there H?”
From inside he thinks he hears a sound, and knocks again. A muffled cry comes back.
“It’s Paul!!! I’ve come to rescue you. I’m coming to get you babe! Don’t worry!”
Looking round him in desperation he fails to find anything to prise the door open. His Eiffel tower bottle opener key ring buckles almost immediately under the strain, but the door remains unmoved.
P: “How the hell do people break into these things?”
Reluctantly he picks up a broken brick to smash his way in. He had been well brought up, and it was against the grain, but needs must.
“Hang on a minute, that’s not the way to do it” came a voice behind him.
He looks around to see the boy who he had paid to watch the Audi right behind him.
P: “I don’t care. I gotta do it. My Helen might be in there!”
Boy: “Don’t do it like that!”
P: “Listen, I know it’s completely out of order, but I gotta get into this van!”
Paul draws his arm back to lob the brick through the window.
P: “Duck H, I’m gonna throw it in now.”
B: “You can’t.”
The boy walks round and stands in front of him
P: “Outta my way, I gotta break this window”
B: “No, I told the bloke I’d watch it for him”
P: “But you’re watching mine!”
B: “What can I say, it’s a living!”
P: “Listen, I don’t care any more. You are going to have to move, because my Helen is in that van, she don’t want to be, and I’m going to get her”
B: “I might be able to help you mister, but it’ll cost yer.”
P: “I thought it might. But it would be brilliant if you could! How though?”
B: “Well, I’ll need compensation.”
P: “For what?”
B: “What I would have got when he came out of course.”
P: “Oh yeah, fair play, I’m with you. How much?”
B: “I reckon it’s worth at least £20.”
P: “Christ, alright then. Here you are.”
B: “And, another £20 for opening the van”
P: “Yeah, yeah, alright, just get on with it”
B: “What about my reputation though, I mean, I’m taking a risk. I might get caught. I make a lot of money round here, watching cars. Specially over the last few weeks. I’m taking me mam to Disneyland! I stand to lose all of that!”
P: “I think you’ll manage. OK, how much? Let’s just get on with it!”
B: “I’ll do you a deal mister. £100 for the lot. Can’t say fairer than that!”
P: “Bloody hell, you earn more in an hour than I do. Alright, here you are, £80,90, 95, I ain’t got the rest on me, that will have to do!”
B: “I’ll take plastic!”
P: “Listen, I don’t believe in hurting kids, but you aren’t one, you’re a little monster. You’ll need a bloody plastic surgeon in a minute!”
B: “Alright, keep your hair on, I’ll take £95”
P: “Right, now how are you going to open that door?”
B: “With these!” (Jangling a set of keys in front of him)
P: “Where the hell did you get them from?”
B: “He left them in the ignition!”
P: “You little ****! Give me those and go back and watch my car!”
Just at that moment the door opens on the first floor maisonette.
Avid: “Bye bye Jackie. I will be back for my tea later. Give my Jade a big kiss for me, and don’t forget to feed the chickens!”
Paul unlocks and flings open the van doors.
P: “Helen!!! Babe! Are you alright? “ he said, pulling the gag from her mouth
H: (Croakily) “Oh Paul, I never thought you’d get here. It’s been awful.”
P:”I know, don’t worry, I’m here, and we gotta go quick. Don’t try to talk.”
Paul scoops her up and of the van, only to be met by Avid, standing, arms folded in front of him.
A: “Paul Clarke you must give the Helen back to me immediately. I want Big Brother to tell me that I am going in next year”
P: “No way mate. You are not having her back. She is coming home with me. I miss her and I want my dinner!”
H: “Oh Paul, you’re so hunky when you’re cross!”
P: “Mate, you ain’t seen nothing yet. My body is a weapon! I am an Ultimate Fighting Machine!”
H: “You are lovely”
P: “Yeah, and so are you!”
H: “I missed my Mr. Clarke!”
P: ”And I missed you babe!”
H: “Did you wonder where I was?”
P: “I thought you had left me”
H: “I’d never do that to you Paul Clarke”.
P: “I thought you had”
H: “Did you? Was you lonely last night?”
P: “Mate, I couldn’t sleep. That bed was so big and empty”
H; “Aaah, no cuddles. Bless your little cotton socks”
P: “I know”
H: “You was all on your own”
P: “I was”
H: “And I was. Big hug???”
Avid: “Excuse me please. Excuse? EXCUSE ME!!”
Paul and Helen look up from their embrace
A: “Please put the lady down. I am in the middle of a kidnap”.
P: “Forget it mate. It’s all over. You ain’t touching her again. This girl is coming home with me”
A: “Why should she? She might want to come home with me. After all, she is not yours.”
P: “She bloody is mate. She’s my girl”
A: “Aaah, but she’s not your wife.”
P: “That don’t matter. She knows she’s my girl.”
A: “I will marry her. Will you marry me Helen?”
H: “That’s really nice of you to ask me Avid.”
A: “I know. I will marry you if you want me to. I am a nice boy”
H: “You are.”
P: “Hang on a minute, what’s going on here? I am a nice boy as well.”
H: “You are nice, but you’re not as nice as Avid. You never asked me to marry you, did you?”
P: “Fair do’s, I didn’t. But we agreed H, we can’t rush it.”
H: “Yes, you agreed”
P: “WE agreed Helen. I can’t agree with just myself can I?”
H: “You can. You do it all the time. I’ve heard you.”
P: “Maybe I do take the decisions sometimes Helen, because otherwise we wouldn’t decide nothing!”
H: “You mean YOU wouldn’t decide nothing!”
P: “Bloody hell!! You agreed when we talked about it that it was to soon to get engaged!”
H: “I did.”
P: “There you go then!”
H: “But that was last August Paul!
P: “Yeah, and we’re still together, and nothings changed.”
H: “Exactly.”
P: “That’s a good thing”.
Avid: “Excuse me people! It is still me here. Avid! Have you forgotten about me, just like Big Brother?”
P&H: “Shut up Avid!”
A: “That is not very nice”.
H: “Sorry Avid. I was talking to Mr. Clarke.”
A: “What has he got that I haven’t?”
H: “I’m beginning to wonder that myself. Ask me again Avid.”
A: “Ask you what?”
H: “Ask me if I’ll marry you”.
A: “Oh, OK. Will you marry me Helen? I am warm!”
H: “Yes!”
A: “You will? That is wonderful. I am a very happy man. We will be in Hello magazine, the lovely Davina will have a new hat, and we will have a lovely Big Brother wedding. I hope Jade will not mind too much.”
P: “Hang on a minute. What’s going on here? You are joking aren’t you Helen?”
A: “of course she isn’t. We are getting married and there will be lots of Big Brother babies, all with red hair………”
H: “That’s right. Me and Avid. As soon as we can!”
P: “But Helen, what about you and me? I thought we were together for ever!”
H: “Did you?”
P: “Of course I did. You knew I that!”
H: “No I didn’t. How would I know?”
P: “Because I told you.”
H: “You never!”
P: “I did too! I told you I loved you. I told you everyday!”
H: “True, I suppose.”
P: “Yeah, well there you go.”
H: “You did but that’s all you said”
P: “Well what did you want me to say?”
H: “Will you marry me, of course!”
P: “Will you marry me?”
H: “YES!!!!!!!”
P: “What?”
H: “Of course I’ll marry you Paul!”
P: “Hang on a minute………….”
A: “Oh, well, I thought it was too good to be true. Never mind. There is still Jade. I forgive you Helen.”
P: “Bloody hell. Listen, I was just asking what she said.”
H: “You asked me to marry you Paul, and I said yes”
A: “She did. I heard her. And you.”
Boy: “Yeah, and I heard you as well Mister. You asked her!”
P: “I suppose I did. Fair play. I was going to ask you anyway. I was, honestly. And I would like to marry you.”
H: “I know you would Paul. You just need a bit of encouragement sometimes to take the final step”.
P: “I’ll go and get the car. Oh, and Avid? No more funny business, OK? I will try to talk to Big Brother for you. I don’t know if they’ll listen, but I’ll try.”
A: “Thankyou Paul. It’s alright. I will be happy to be your best man instead.”
P: “Yeah, well, sorry mate, no can do. That will be my best mate Robert.”
A: “It’s OK. I will just take Helen back into the van then.”
P: “No, it’s alright, Avid. I’m sure Rob won’t mind being an usher!
H: “Paul! Brian and Mark are the ushers. I’ve asked them already!”
A: “I could be a page boy. I would carry the train of the lovely Helen.”
P: “Cool! That’s it, settled then! I’ll get the car.”
Paul walks off to the Audi.
P: “You ready babe?”
H: “Yes, just a minute Mr. Clarke. I’ll be there. I’m not going to let you get away now am I?”
P: (Laughing) “No, I suppose not!”
A: (whispering to Helen) “Did I give a satisfactory performance? Was I convincing?”
H: “You were fan-bloody-tastic Avid! I thought he would NEVER ask! You don’t think I was awful do you, doing that to poor old Paul Clarke?”
A: “No, I think you were entirely justified my dear.”
H: “So how much do I owe you?”
A: “My dear, we agreed, basic Equity rates. In fact, you can donate my fees to a charity of your choice. The director of the National called me yesterday. They were so impressed by my contemporary pieces that they want me to audition for their Beckett season!”
H: “Lovely – I think. Is that good?”
A: “Good? It’s wonderful! My career is saved. I have respectability. I am still young enough to do Hamlet! I am on the brink of international recognition!
And now, I must away. Farewell, fair maid. Well met! Come Peregine, time for tiffin I think!”
Boy/Peregrine: “On my way Valentine. A wonderful day for all concerned. May I just say I thought you were magnificent!”
Avid/Valentine: “You’re too kind my boy. Will you drive, or shall I?”
Boy/Peregrine: “I think you had better take the wheel. My make-up is a triumph if I say so myself. A little too convincing I fear.”
A/V: “Too true. We don’t want to earn ourselves a ticking off from the local constabulary when we are on the brink of international fame and celebrity, do we!”
As the van chugs and splutters out of the car park Paul pulls up beside Helen.
P: “What was you saying to him then H?”
H: (Getting into the car) “Oh. Nothing really. Just apologizing to him for letting him down after I said I would marry him”.
P: “I suppose that's only fair. You wouldn’t have married him though would you H?”
H: “No, not if I can be Mrs. Clarke instead”.
P: “You really want that?”
H: “Yeah!”
P: “It’s really, really weird, because I thought you didn’t ever want to get married”.
H: “I didn’t”
P: “That’s what I thought! So what made you change your mind?”
H: “I met you Paul.”
P: Is that all?”
H: “That’s all.”
P: “It’s a good job that nutter came along then, because I thought you still didn’t. I respected your position massively. I might NEVER have asked!”
H: “Yeah, really lucky Mr. Clarke. It might have seemed really bad at the time but………..”
P: “But nothing Helen. It was bad. Really, really bad!!”
H: “Yeah! Really bad, that’s what I said. Paul, if you’ll just let me finish!”
P: “Sorry. It was bad then, OK, but what?”
H: “BUT, it turned out to be goood.”
P: “It did.”
H: “So, it was quite cool really.”
P: “I suppose.”
H: “Yeah! Double cool!”
P: “Triple cool in fact!”
H: “Are you chilling those boots Mr. Clarke?”
P: “They are chilling as we speak babe. Now, here we are. Let’s get in. I’m starving. What are you going to make me for dinner Mrs. Clarke?”
H: “Mmmmm, I’m going to make you…let me see…….pick up that phone and order an Indian!”
P: “Fair play.”
Paul orders the Balti special for two, with extra Naan. He shouts through to the kitchen from the lounge:
“It’s gonna take 40 minutes at least H and I’m gonna have a kip. Wake me up when it comes will you. I’ll just lie here on the sofa”
H: “Alright love, I will. It’s nice to be home Paul.”
P: “It is. I just need a little sleep. Hang on, what’s this digging into me back? H?”
Paul pulls a wodge of something from under the cushion. He sits up again and looks at what he has found.
P: “Helen, what’s all this cloth I found under the cushion?”
H: (Dashing into the room) “What cloth? Oh, that! It’s just some material samples Paul and Rhoda brought me to look at.”
P: “That’s nice. What’s it for?”
H: “Oh, just a dress.”
P: “Right. When were they here then?”
H: “On Friday. They was just passing.”
P: “Nice."
H: “It was. You have a little sleep Paul. I’ll take that out of your way shall I?”
P: “Right”
H: “Sleep well Mr. Clarke”
P: “Yeah, I will. Oh,and H?”
H: “Yes, Paul?
P: “ Tell them I’d prefer blue for the bridesmaids dresses.”
H: "What did you say Paul? Paul?"
http://www.onedns.co.uk/thisisbigbrother/ROB.jpg