Advice please

[Ninastar]

Okay, I'm pretty much using this as a last resort. I just feel so stuck in life right now. I have so many problems but I think I need to get this off my chest

So my parent's have been arguing for a while now. I'm kinda used to it. Recently I've gotten the idea that my mum has been cheating on my dad. I pretty much have proof of it now anyway. It's pretty much crushed me. I don't really get on with her much anyway, but I just feel like she doesn't care about my sisters and I. She doesn't do anything for us anymore. All she does is sit and talk to her 'friends' on facebook. She left to go to Scotland on thursday, and she's now said she isn't coming back. She hadn't said a word to me untill yesterday so I rang her and she told me she had to go after like a minute of being on the phone. It actually makes me feel so crap.

She isn't coming back because my dad told her not to come back. I spoke to him about it on the way to a party and he said that he thinks the same and he's fed up of her. So he told her this morning not to come back and she's taken it to heart.

So she calls me to tell me that she isn't coming back. I have no idea what to say so I'm like why? and she tells me it's because they are arguing. I don't want her back because when she is here, she isn't even there for us, if that makes any sense.

I don't even know what I'm trying to say here. My mum has pretty much left us and I don't know what to do. Should I feel sorry for her and make the effort to talk to her? She's been pretty crappy to me and my sisters, but I still feel bad for her. If she has cheated then I feel so bad for my Dad because she really couldn't get anyone better. She treats him like dirt and I think this is something I've known since I was little.

Do I talk to her and make the effort or not? because i really don't know anymore

[GypsyGoth]

Maybe your mom wants space. She might be too focused on arguing with your dad to see what she's leaving behind. I think you could give her time and let her get in contact with you.

And I know it's not the same but my sister and I got on terribly when she lived here, and when she left I presumed I wouldn't see her that much anymore, and wasn't too bothered, but we started meeting up a few times on her break and became great friends.

So although it's a big change in your life and lots of things seem up in the air, there might be something really good to come from this.

Also I'm sure the atmosphere must be thousands of times better at home. And I don't know but I'm sure she loves you, but maybe her mind is clouded at the moment.

:hug:

[Ninastar]

I think that sounds like a good idea, so thank you :)

This whole situation sucks though, i never thought it would get this bad.

I feel like I'm overreacting. At school I don't pay attention any more. I've had days where i've cried in school. I hate it because it's embarrassing and I feel stupid. I hate being there but I don't want to get kicked out

[GypsyGoth]

I don't think you're overreacting at all, and is there a school counsellor or someone you could chat to?

[Ninastar]

yeah, but what can they do? It's not like it's going to motivate me into doing work

[GypsyGoth]

yeah, but what can they do? It's not like it's going to motivate me into doing work

I just thought maybe it'd be someone to chat to there, so you wouldn't feel under pressure there.

But yea I see what you're saying if the issue is your lack of motivation, then I don't know.

[Ninastar]

yeah that's true

Thank you :hug:

[michael21]

Hi Ninastar sorry your having a bad time at the moment i agree with what GG has said also i think you should still talk to your mum and dad because what ever happens there still your parents and in time you can visited your mum i no it seem like thinks are bad but there are lots in a worst situation so be strong for you and your sister i hope think get better :hug:

[Shaun]

The only advice I could give as someone whose parents went through separation (although not because of infidelity, but still arguing) is not to feel as though you have to pick one side. The one thing I resent most about the whole situation was how I was made to feel as though my dad was utterly worthless (although I guess since he died that might just be out of guilt).

Make sure you have friends nearby who you can talk to - you need someone with an outside perspective on things so you don't risk losing the respect or contact with your parents. From what you posted, though, you're quite angry with your mother - and I can see why if what you're saying is true - but I'd argue that it's highly unlikely that she's an out-and-out evil bitch, and the breakdown of their relationship was happening long before her cheating, so I'd basically say not to judge her too harshly until you've spoken to her about it.

If you ever want to talk about things I'm here (or on Facebook), Cait :hug:

[Smithy]

I think after a few weeks of being away, she might realised what she's been taking for granted for so long, you should leave her to clear her head and let her contact you

[Ninastar]

Thanks guys I agree with what you're saying. I'll just wait. I won't take sides because I know it's not fair.
Thank you so much though, It really does mean alot

[Kate!]

I can only echo the good advice the others have already given. It really can help to talk things out, get stuff straight in your head. Look after yourself too, you're a nice girl, I hope it all works out for the best for you and your family. If you do need someone to listen, pm me anytime. Hug!

[CharlieO]

OMG I just wanna give you a big hug and take care of you Caitlin :( :hug:

I hope things get better. :sad:

[Niall]

I think that (like what most of the others have said here) you should give her some space and let her come to you. Like everyone else has said, she may not have thought through what she's leaving behind exactly.

Also, it seems she's gone somewhere far away from you guys now, and being someone who's only known his Mum through a long distance relationship, in future don't neglect her. Do try and chat to her. I know it may sound silly to say this to you now Caitlin, but after all she is your Mum and isn't some cyborg without feelings, so I'll bet she'll be missing you terribly soon enough. Just make sure she knows you care about her? I think thats what I'm trying to say here. Ok ima stop rambling.

Always here to talk Caitlin if you need me. :hug:

[Ninastar]

thank you all again :)

People have said that I need to show her that I care. I don't even know how. We've never been the type of family to say I love you or I miss you or anything like that

[Niall]

thank you all again :)

People have said that I need to show her that I care. I don't even know how. We've never been the type of family to say I love you or I miss you or anything like that

Just like call her, chat to her, ask her how she is and honestly telling her that you love her will help. If you feel uncomfortable saying it than thats cool but if not then it'll be nice for her to hear that from you, no?

[Jords]

Think about YOU Caitlin. Ive done lots of worrying about the family issues Ive had and I need to follow my own advice here.

But seriously, like Shaun has said, no need to pick sides, they are both your parents. Its difficult that your mum has flee'd but if I was you Id personally ring her up and tell ask her whats going down and when she is coming back. Do you miss her? If yes, tell her, if not, tell her when you start to (if she hasnt come back beforehand).

Focus on school and what you want out of life, thats all you can really do for now :)

['Conor]

Your mum probably just wants time to herself for a bit and after a while she will realise that you all mean the world to her :hug:

[Ninastar]

Just like call her, chat to her, ask her how she is and honestly telling her that you love her will help. If you feel uncomfortable saying it than thats cool but if not then it'll be nice for her to hear that from you, no?

That's really helpful actually. I will ring her tomorrow I think.

Think about YOU Caitlin. Ive done lots of worrying about the family issues Ive had and I need to follow my own advice here.

But seriously, like Shaun has said, no need to pick sides, they are both your parents. Its difficult that your mum has flee'd but if I was you Id personally ring her up and tell ask her whats going down and when she is coming back. Do you miss her? If yes, tell her, if not, tell her when you start to (if she hasnt come back beforehand).

Focus on school and what you want out of life, thats all you can really do for now :)

Thank you jords, this is really helpful too.

But another one of my problems is that I have no idea what I want out of life. I don't know what I want to do, and I don't care about school. I've stopped caring about alot of things

[Benjamin]

Tough situation Caitlin, one that you cannot fix either. Everyone gets to a point when they need space away from everything and everyone, like others have said maybe she just needs a little rest from it all. I wouldn't take it personally as I'm sure she still loves you with all her heart, but sometimes we can get so frustrated and we tend to close off to the people we love the most. :hug:


As for worrying about life, don't stress. Most of us don't know what we want from life, and as you grow older those things change. The best way is to just try and enjoy life and the experiences that it brings, even the bad ones, as they broaden your horizons and understanding of the world. When the right thing is meant to happen for you it will find you, it always does, the best thing is not to dwell on waiting for it to happen. :)

[Jords]

That's really helpful actually. I will ring her tomorrow I think.



Thank you jords, this is really helpful too.

But another one of my problems is that I have no idea what I want out of life. I don't know what I want to do, and I don't care about school. I've stopped caring about alot of things

Took me a while too fully know, but its like we have to decide so quickly!??!? :/

Are you set on going uni (or at least before all this happened)?

[Firewire]

Aw Caitlin! :sad: I hope you're doing okay! I pretty much agree with most comments saying that you should give her some space for a little while and see if she calls you, if not, you could give her call within a week or so, just to see how she's doing. Try not to ask questions straight way nor sound angry. I think she'd be more co-operative with you that way...

You know that I'm here if you ever need to talk! Hope this all gets sorted out! :hug:

[Ninastar]

I know I don't have to rush into what I want to do, but school pressures you so much. They are pretty much telling us that if we don't go to uni we wont have a career.

Thanks for the advice about my mum, I'll see how it goes.

[Ninastar]

So I spoke to my mum on the phone and she was drunk. She told me that she was probably going to get an apartment in scotland because she has no friends here. She fell out with her friend this morning and I'm not sure what it's about.

I told her that she needs to do what's best for her and that if she's uncomfortable she should stay there, but she said that her priority is her kids. Then she went to talk about something else

So she's not really mad at me or my sisters, she just feels like we don't care. She said she would call me back because she was out with a friend, so I will just wait untill she rings me.

Thank you everyone for the advice, I don't think I would have called her with out it. :hug:

[Ninastar]

She came back today and the first thing is punish my sisters for a messy room :bored:

[Firewire]

lmao, at least she's back!

[Ninastar]

now I'm punished too.

I wish she would leave again, she's not even being nice.

She didn't even ring me back last night after she said she would. I am so ****ing angry. As it's not been a **** enough day

[michael21]

now I'm punished too.

I wish she would leave again, she's not even being nice.

She didn't even ring me back last night after she said she would. I am so ****ing angry. As it's not been a **** enough day

what is your punishment :suspect:

[Firewire]

now I'm punished too.

I wish she would leave again, she's not even being nice.

She didn't even ring me back last night after she said she would. I am so ****ing angry. As it's not been a **** enough day

that doesn't sound too good :/. maybe she's just angry with herself?

[Ninastar]

No she's mad at her friend for feeling bad for my dad and shes mad at my sisters and I for having a messy room. Yesterday she tells me she's renting an apartment and then she turns up home. I want her to leave. I don't even care anymore

[Ninastar]

I think I have anger problems or something. I shouldn't be this pissed off.

[Benjamin]

Not anger problems at all, you're just caught in a confusing place which leaves your heart and mind all over the shop. :hug:

[Ninastar]

So it lasted two weeks. thats a week longer than I thought it would last.

She turned into a nasty bitch again. It's actually the worst it's ever been.

it now says my parents are single on fb, so everyone knows

[CharlieO]

:hug: I wish I could help but I don't know what to say. I am not really in a good enough place to give anyone advice because clearly I have been doing things wrong.

[Niall]

Caitlin, maybe its for the best then. If your Mum was giving you such a hard time at home then its possible that its good for her to be away from you guys since she was causing so much grief.

She might calm down a bit too now that she's on her own? She might be a little less nasty. You never know.

Things'll get better Caitlin, don't worry. :hug:

[Ninastar]

okay now it's worse than ever.

I don't know what to do any more, i'm actually loosing my mind.

She won't leave even though she's made it clear she doesn't want to be here

[LemonJam]

I think you should just sit down with her and be completely honest with her (if you haven't already). I think the only way to truly solve these kind of situations is through communication. Even if things go sour, at least you can know that you've tried.

Stay strong Caitlin :hug: <3

[Ninastar]

I have spoken to her and told her how I truly feel and she didn't understand

i don't know why i bother

[michael21]

I have spoken to her and told her how I truly feel and she didn't understand

i don't know why i bother

it wont be long before you can get your own places try and be strong till then and for your sister :hug:

[Niall]

I have spoken to her and told her how I truly feel and she didn't understand

i don't know why i bother

Thats awful. :sad: I don't really know what to say Caitlin. It seems like a horrible situation to be in. :hug:

[Ammi]

It's often said how kids can 'disappoint' their parents (like the father/laptop thread)...but just as often parents can be a disappointment to their chidren...she may me making mistakes/be confused atm....there may be nothing you can do to change that or make things better...I think it was Jords who said 'think about you'....maybe that's all you can do...you can't control her unhappiness, but you can try to control your own

[michael21]

It all very good Advice but one think i hate is when people ask for Advice then go off line for 3 hours :nono:

[GypsyGoth]

I have spoken to her and told her how I truly feel and she didn't understand

i don't know why i bother

Like that saying goes, maybe you gotta accept it as something you cannot change.

Anyway it sounds like an awful emotional rollercoaster to be on, I can only imagine how taxing it must be on you :hug:

[Ninastar]

i'm just exhausted all the time

i just don't want to wake up when i do fall asleep

[GypsyGoth]

:( :hug:

[CharlieO]

i'm just exhausted all the time

i just don't want to wake up when i do fall asleep

I know how you feel Caitlin. It sucks. I have been through something very similar and I wish I could say it stops but it didn't for me. I just got sent away instead because I couldn't cope and just kept getting outbursts at them.

[CharlieO]

And the sleeping thing is the worst. I used to get nightmares about family related things and so sleep wasn't even an escape.

[Ninastar]

I know how you feel Caitlin. It sucks. I have been through something very similar and I wish I could say it stops but it didn't for me. I just got sent away instead because I couldn't cope and just kept getting outbursts at them.

she told us that we need sent away too. My dad wont let that happen though. I told her that i'd gladly leave and she nearly hit me

she's not my mother any more, my mum left us 2 years ago

I just can't believe how long we have put up with it. I thought she would change her ways

[michael21]

she told us that we need sent away too. My dad wont let that happen though. I told her that i'd gladly leave and she nearly hit me

she's not my mother any more, my mum left us 2 years ago

I just can't believe how long we have put up with it. I thought she would change her ways

OK it time to decide what best for you what you really want when you are sure make a plan so it can happen then put the plan in to action :hug:

[Ninastar]

i probably shouldn't be posting this on a forum but I'm just so stuck right now

i'll ask for this to be deleted later

[CharlieO]

We understand, we all need some place to vent.
When you have parents like that is just is so soul destroying, especially when you have people around you who have the perfect family and we see on tv where families are all supposed to unconditionally love each other, and we just wish we had that ourselves.

Be happy you have a dad like you do though, he sounds very nice make sure you keep a family bond between him and your other siblings because losing it all is horrible.
It will be over soon enough though, you can move out and try start a life of your own and you can design it how you want, without all this stress. You just need to get through this last bit.

:hug:

[Ninastar]

thank you so much Charlie that really means alot :love:

[CharlieO]

I know there isn't really anything any of us can do but we call care for you Caitlin and people on here are there for you even if it isn't a typical way of getting support. :love:

:hug:

[Petershaw1984]

As a parent of 2 daughters I just feel soo sad for you and your situation . I hope ad pray things get better for you and your lovely family soon.

One thing I'm learning is that adult life is hard very hard. Every day is a new challenge .

[Ninastar]

she locked me and my sister out :bored: and when we called my dad she came downstairs and was like oh, so an idiot let you in?

she's listening to everything we say to each other.

and it looks like we will be moving to america afterall

[michael21]

she locked me and my sister out :bored: and when we called my dad she came downstairs and was like oh, so an idiot let you in?

she's listening to everything we say to each other.

and it looks like we will be moving to america afterall

america will you still be on this site

[CharlieO]

she locked me and my sister out :bored: and when we called my dad she came downstairs and was like oh, so an idiot let you in?

she's listening to everything we say to each other.

and it looks like we will be moving to america afterall

Is that a good thing? I know you love it there.

Is it to get away from her or actually your whole family going. I suggest you should maybe try get your mum to see a doctor if she is acting that irrational. But I know it isn't as easy as that so I just hope you stay safe. :)

[Ninastar]

we've told her that we'd support her and that we want to help her but she doesn't want help

and yeah It's a good thing but it's so scary and kinda sad to think that we'd be leaving her behind

[CharlieO]

Yea that is scary, but maybe it is for the best. If she gets some time properly alone she may realise what she has lost and have some time to help herself and maybe she will get better and in the future things can be good again.