Adult bullying

[Z]

Do people believe it's possible for an adult to bully another adult? Bullying is widely associated with being at school; so teenagers and younger; it's often considered a thing that you 'grow out of' as you get older, because of that attachment to youth. But is it always so? Harassment in the work place is treated as a different subject entirely, it's somehow not classed as being the same as bullying, the 'b' word is never used.

I ask this because of a difficult situation that has arisen amongst my friends. A number of my friends perceive one of our other friends to have changed as a person. They think he can't take a joke, he's too full of himself, they don't like the person he has become - and they choose to express their views through making comments on his Facebook page. He started up his own business and has registered himself as a sole trader, and so puts a lot of time and effort into promoting his business and uses Facebook as a promotional tool. He posted a link to something he'd completed, and four of my friends immediately jumped in and started commenting on it, making fun of him, where all of his friends can see it. He responded, asking them if they all work together to gang up on him, and they all kept commenting further, liking each other's comments and making him look more and more ridiculous with what they were saying. He's asked me for advice and I'm still not sure what he can even do to put a stop to all of this. They all claim to be his friend, but they don't support him and actively enjoy making fun of him. But if anyone throws the bully word out there, they would all take offense and vehemently deny it, because nobody likes to hear that word. But I see it as bullying. They have every right to talk about the fact he's changed, because he has, but they don't have a leg to stand on when it comes to posting things publicly and ganging up on him. He doesn't want to hang out with any of them again because this has been going on for so long now, for almost 3 years he's been running his business and not one of them has ever congratulated him on any of his accomplishments, they just make fun of him. He understandably doesn't want to be friends with people like that. They don't seem to want to be friends with the person he is, yet they won't let go of the fact that he has changed and further drive him away.

The whole situation has made me think about bullying a lot. It's not nice to see and it's horrible that not one of them even feels bad about it, and now that I've made my views on it more apparent by very obviously taking pity on the one friend, I'd bet money that they're all talking about me behind my back now too. I think there needs to be more awareness on the fact that bullying is not just a thing that happens to little kids - it's often the people that know you the best who can bring you down the most.

[Niall]

I think bullying can happen to anyone irrespective or age. People can be just as cruel as adults, as when they were kids. Your story highlights that Zee.

[Jack_]

People of any age can be bullied, nobody is discounted.

If any of the comments on his status' are abusive he could quite rightfully report them. How they'd be dealt with...well, who knows. I'm not entirely sure how far he could take it, but I'd hope in cases like this you could get the police involved. Sounds pretty pathetic to me...if they don't like him anymore, then don't talk to him.

What I would say though is...surely he shouldn't still be friends with them on Facebook? At least then they couldn't spread their crap on his page.

[Benjamin]

Bullying can happen at any age. I'd tell your friend to block those others and find a social circle that is more suited to his needs and accomplishments. They sound jealous those 'friends'. Also, we all change throughout life, well most of us do, so they need to get a grip of reality and take a long hard look at their lives by the sounds of it.

[Ammi]

It sounds like jealousy and a lot of childish behaviour. He may have changed and they may not like it...but people do...they grow apart...have different goals..they have no right to judge him on it. It's easy to dismiss bullying if the victim is generally unpopular, people can feel justified in the actions because others are siding with them....I see it often. It's still most definately bullying though and it can be difficult to take a stand against it, in fear they'll turn their attention to you. Well done Zee.

[Z]

People of any age can be bullied, nobody is discounted.

If any of the comments on his status' are abusive he could quite rightfully report them. How they'd be dealt with...well, who knows. I'm not entirely sure how far he could take it, but I'd hope in cases like this you could get the police involved. Sounds pretty pathetic to me...if they don't like him anymore, then don't talk to him.

What I would say though is...surely he shouldn't still be friends with them on Facebook? At least then they couldn't spread their crap on his page.

Well of course the problem in this situation is that they are putting the pressure on him. It's not "we don't like him", it's "he's changed which makes us not like him", so he is somehow to blame for their reaction. And if he removed them from his Facebook, they would pursue that line of thought further and make fun of him even more, saying he really can't take a joke and that he really takes himself too seriously, etc... I don't see any way for him to win. I'm going home in two weeks' time for one of those people's birthdays and am quite keen to say something to them all in person, because I think if they hear it from someone else they might actually take notice that what they're doing is not funny, it's cruel.

I think with adults bullying adults though, there is a perceived stigma that you should be able to deal with it yourself, as adults are perceived as being independent and self sufficient. To somehow be bullied by another person doesn't sit right with that logic and people tend to scoff at it, saying they should grow a thicker skin or just move on from it or something. Who's going to sit you down and tell you off for bullying another adult? There are no teachers anymore.

[Benjamin]

I'd actually say adult bullying is worse than bullying as kids. As kids, especially young ones, you are still learning wrong and right. As an adult, you know exactly what you are doing.

[CharlieO]

I'd actually say adult bullying is worse than bullying as kids. As kids, especially young ones, you are still learning wrong and right. As an adult, you know exactly what you are doing.

I think a child being bullied can be affected worse than an adult though. I agree with your premise but I think being bullied as a child is worse as then it is engrained in you as you grow older. When you are older I feel you should know yourself better and would find it easier to brush the insults away.

[Z]

Adults can be far more horrible than children though. Adults know how to play people off each other, they know what to say to make things hurt the most. So although adults have a greater understanding of what's right and wrong, they also have a greater understanding of how to be cruel and kind.

[Kizzy]

i think it is very sad that so called friends behave this way, it does smack of jelousy maybe the stress of building a business has made the guy change a little. Nice of you to remain impartial :)

[Ammi]

Well of course the problem in this situation is that they are putting the pressure on him. It's not "we don't like him", it's "he's changed which makes us not like him", so he is somehow to blame for their reaction. And if he removed them from his Facebook, they would pursue that line of thought further and make fun of him even more, saying he really can't take a joke and that he really takes himself too seriously, etc... I don't see any way for him to win. I'm going home in two weeks' time for one of those people's birthdays and am quite keen to say something to them all in person, because I think if they hear it from someone else they might actually take notice that what they're doing is not funny, it's cruel.

I think with adults bullying adults though, there is a perceived stigma that you should be able to deal with it yourself, as adults are perceived as being independent and self sufficient. To somehow be bullied by another person doesn't sit right with that logic and people tend to scoff at it, saying they should grow a thicker skin or just move on from it or something. Who's going to sit you down and tell you off for bullying another adult? There are no teachers anymore.

I agree with your last paragraph. The problem with most bullying is that the bullies feel 'justified' in their dislike of the victim...therefore it's not really bullying in their minds. The vistim can also be quite a strong character in themselves and can often outwardly seem to be unaffected or 'give as good as they get'...these are reactions adults can have that children may not...it's still bullying though, even if the victim isn't a meek feeble character

[Ammi]

I think a child being bullied can be affected worse than an adult though. I agree with your premise but I think being bullied as a child is worse as then it is engrained in you as you grow older. When you are older I feel you should know yourself better and would find it easier to brush the insults away.

I wouldn't say it would be though Charlie....'knowing yourself' doesn't necessarily come with age, sometimes adults are just as clueless as younger people and vice versa. At any age, bullying is deplorable and horrendous for the victim.

[Kizzy]

it may be if these were people you have never been friends with, their opinion would be of no consequence but if they are friends it will be painful as they should as you say be supportive of his ventures. Everybody changes, if you grow apart its no excuse to start making snide comments.

[Patrick]

Yes,
My Granddad use to be a regular at the local tavern, he use to go down nearly every night and mind his own business, until one day my Gran started noticing something was up with him.
And he didn't want to go out anymore, it wasn't until after he died - that the other guys in the bar said he was constantly being bullied and intimidated by some 'new' blokes.
It makes me feel sad :(

[Ammi]

Yes,
My Granddad use to be a regular at the local tavern, he use to go down nearly every night and mind his own business, until one day my Gran started noticing something was up with him.
And he didn't want to go out anymore, it wasn't until after he died - that the other guys in the bar said he was constantly being bullied and intimidated by some 'new' blokes.
It makes me feel sad :(

Thats very sad Patrick...and I guess as you get older you feel more vulnerable

[Pyramid*]

A great many very sensible and truthful comments here and I'm appalled Zee that your friend is indeed being bullied in this manner by those than claim to be his friends. Bullies are often the insecure ones; (& often but not always) come in groups - with one being the leader: needing their own small gang to bitch about the said person, offer up comments in packs, deliberately provoke and make the person feel uncomfortable very deliberately) - doing what this lot are doing to your friend. sounds like they are jealous and also threatened by this guy's success - long may he have it Zee - the success I mean.

In the adult word: the word bully tends to be less bandied about because it hits to the core of what is happening: and is diluted and replaced with the words intimidation and harrassment (as you touched on Zee). It is exactly the same thing.

In the situ you've described: yes people can tell them to stop, that it's unacceptable: but unless they actually do wise up and crack on that they are bullying and cease: the only way forward is for your friend to move them out of his life (and tbh, those other mutual friends if they had any balls, would also do the same) and ostracise the bully boys, leaving the real friends all still together.

Unless all the guy's 'real' friends actually do this with the bullies: and put them on the outside until they stop behaving like insecure and jealous idiots - all mxing together socially (online or offline) will most likely be much of the same.

If he's got them on FB etc: he should be blocking them - plain and simple - friends support and help each other - the clear actions of this pathetic little gang show they are far from friends.

As for what you've said Patrick: I'm utterly disgusted that a senior citizen should have to go through this - absolutely sick that it happened - and that no one did anything about it - ie: the bar owner & other customers.

[Kizzy]

Poor guy, makes me want to go give them a mouthful.And i agree the bar owner should be held responsible too.

[Jords]

Of course. Bullying can exist anywhere and in any form. This stems from jelousy that your friend is trying to do something with his life and has taken a more serious look on life for a bit. imo

[fruit_cake]

Adults have more life experience but it doesn't necessary mean they have developed any compassion along the way. You would hope so but it's not always the case unfortunately.

[Jake.]

Unfortunatly we live in a world full of bullying, no matter our age. Some get it more than others.

[Livia]

Some people get older but unfortunately don't grow up.

[Beastie]

Well it's been going on for so long that I think your friend should just block the other "friends" who are harassing him on facebook. People do change! Bloody hell.. most people don't just stay in the same "clique" of friends like they did at school.

It's a thing that annoys me on Facebook. All these "passive aggressive" comments. People with nothing else better to do!

So yeah.. your friend should just block these "friends" and get on with his own life and successful business. And the other "friends" should concentrate more on their own lives.