Jarrod
16-02-2012, 11:08 PM
Day 1 - Dylan admits straight away that he doesn't like the look of Mollie. He says she looks like a lesbian. As it turns out, Claudia is in fact the only lesbian in the house, although Conor later admits that he is unsure of his true sexuality.
2 - The house sit down for a discussion of how to organise simple chores. Patrick creates tension by stating that the kitchen is where the women belong. Niamh hits him with a Fork.
3 - The housemates are set their first task by Big Brother - they must make a model of Big Ben out of Pizza. After much persuasion by Patrick, they gamble 50% of next week's food budget on completing the task.
4 - Training for the Big Ben task is well under way. However havoc ensues when Conor, who is rapidly developing a reputation as the laziest fat bastard in the house, eats half the Pizza. Niamh is furious.
5 - Today is the day when the Big Ben task must be completed. Things are going well until shortly before the end when Conor farts and blows Big Ben over. Big Brother announces that the task has been a failure. Mollie cries.
6 - Patrick gets pecked on the arm by one of the Big Brother chickens. Not a very exciting day.
7 - Big Brother is worried that things are getting dull, so he summons the housemates to have a mass debate about sex. After far too many cans of cider, Mollie admits that she likes to be spanked on the arse with a Fork. Dylan says he never wears condoms because they make his Legs sore and Patrick agrees. Claudia goes into a rant about how none of the other housemates have ever enjoyed a true orgasm because they're all boring heterosexual bastards. Conor sits in the corner, quietly eyeing up Patrick.
8 - Today is the first day that the housemates must nominate someone to leave. Dylan goes round everyone one by one, telling them he really likes them because they're the only one in the house that he can really relate to. Niamh and Mollie are voted as the two candidates to leave. Nobody votes for Dylan.
9 - Niamh and Mollie are told of their nominations and burst into tears, before hugging everyone and telling them they love them. Claudia sings them a song - Swagger Jagger - to make them feel better.
10 - The public vote Mollie out of the house. She pretends not to be bothered but then breaks down and sobs that she should never have admitted about enjoying being spanked. Mollie leaves.
11 - Relationships are strained in the house as the housemates come to terms with Mollie's departure. The food budget is low due to the failure of last week's failed task. Claudia has to make do without the cucumber she requested. Niamh is visibly depressed and is comforted by Patrick, who tries to touch her on her Legs.
12 - The Big Brother pyschologist replays the footage of Patrick touching Niamh's Legs over and over again. This is because it shows an interesting psychological incident, of course, not because it will increase the viewing figures. Big Brother sets the housemates the task of jogging on a running machine for twice the circumferance of the globe. They gamble 40% of the food budget on completing it.
13 - The running machine task is on target, despite the fact that Conor refuses to run because his Legs hurts a bit.
14 - Much jubilation in the house as the running machine task is completed. Conor finally manages to run the last 10 metres of the task and claims that without him they'd never have done it. Niamh calls Conor a lazy Legs.
15 - Once again it is the day when nominations are due. Dylan tells everyone individually that he thinks Niamh is a *****. He also points out that anyone who wants to stay at his flat when the show is finished is welcome to come and visit. Niamh and Patrick are nominated by the housemates to leave. Nobody votes for Dylan.
16 - The nominations are announced. Niamh can't believe she's been voted out two weeks in a row. Patrick is equally stunned and turns to Niamh for comfort. Conor is distraught and confesses to Claudia that he thinks he is in love with Patrick. Claudia says she doesn't fancy any of the housemates because they're all just too heterosexual and she's a lesbian, you know
17 - The public vote Patrick out of the house. Niamh says she is gutted and even gives Patrick a clipping of hair from her Legs to prove how much she cares. Conor is also devastated but keeps his hair to himself. Patrick leaves.
18 - The Big Brother psychologist shows repeated clips of Niamh clipping the hair from her Legs. Apparently this is an important psychological incident. The public obviously agree as viewing figures soar.
19 - Big Brother sets the housemates the task of burping the National Anthem of Egypt in 60 seconds. They gamble 50% of the food budget on completing it.
20 - Nobody has a clue what the National Anthem of Egypt sounds like but Conor says it's a bit like Dancing Queen. The housemates choose Dylan as the one who must complete the task.
21 - Dylan successfully burps not only the National Anthem of Egypt but also God Save The Queen, Swagger Jagger and the theme tune to Family Guy. He is proclaimed as a hero, despite the fact that a vote in a tabloid newspaper shows that 98% of the public want to kill him.
22 - Nominations are due and Dylan tells everyone that he has a Villa in the South of France and they can all come and stay for a holiday. Conor and Claudia are nominated.
23 - Conor and Claudia take their nominations well and sit down with Dylan and Niamh to discuss why they voted for them. Dylan keeps quiet but Niamh accuses Conor of being an arrogant, lazy, self-centred Legs before bursting into tears.
24 - The public vote Claudia out of the house and nobody really gives a ****. Claudia leaves.
25 - Dylan becomes the first housemate to have a wank. This footage goes down well with the Big Brother pschologist who proclaims that it gives us a true insight into the working of Dylan's mind and brings out his true personality. In other words, he's a wanker.
26 - Big Brother sets the remaining three housemates the task of shifting 5000 tons of Horse dung using only a Fork. Dylan is unsure but Conor is confident, claiming to have done something very similar when he was younger. They gamble 50% of the food budget.
27 - Completely out of the blue, Conor breaks down in tears and announces that he is leaving. He claims that it is because the dung-shifting task has brought back the painful memories of the Horse incident from his childhood. Niamh tries to persuade him to stay but Dylan sits in a corner, rubbing his hands slyly. Conor decides to leave.
28 - With only two housemates remaining, the Horse dung task proves impossible. They fail miserably and resort to getting extremely pissed on some vegetable wine, made by Niamh from a couple of mouldy carrots she found in the Big Brother garden.
29 - Nominations are due for the final time. Dylan asks Niamh to marry him and she accepts. Unsurprisingly Dylan nominates Niamh to leave. Rather more surprisingly, so does Niamh.
30 - When the nomination is announced, Niamh graciously accepts defeat and proclaims that Dylan is a worthy winner. As they are soon to marry, she also agrees to shag him. The event is broadcast live to the nation and is preceded by a speech from the Queen. Everyone in the Big Brother production crew breathe a huge sigh of relief as viewing figures go through the roof. Dylan takes his £70,000 and runs away to Egypt. Nobody, including Niamh, ever sees him again.
LOL
2 - The house sit down for a discussion of how to organise simple chores. Patrick creates tension by stating that the kitchen is where the women belong. Niamh hits him with a Fork.
3 - The housemates are set their first task by Big Brother - they must make a model of Big Ben out of Pizza. After much persuasion by Patrick, they gamble 50% of next week's food budget on completing the task.
4 - Training for the Big Ben task is well under way. However havoc ensues when Conor, who is rapidly developing a reputation as the laziest fat bastard in the house, eats half the Pizza. Niamh is furious.
5 - Today is the day when the Big Ben task must be completed. Things are going well until shortly before the end when Conor farts and blows Big Ben over. Big Brother announces that the task has been a failure. Mollie cries.
6 - Patrick gets pecked on the arm by one of the Big Brother chickens. Not a very exciting day.
7 - Big Brother is worried that things are getting dull, so he summons the housemates to have a mass debate about sex. After far too many cans of cider, Mollie admits that she likes to be spanked on the arse with a Fork. Dylan says he never wears condoms because they make his Legs sore and Patrick agrees. Claudia goes into a rant about how none of the other housemates have ever enjoyed a true orgasm because they're all boring heterosexual bastards. Conor sits in the corner, quietly eyeing up Patrick.
8 - Today is the first day that the housemates must nominate someone to leave. Dylan goes round everyone one by one, telling them he really likes them because they're the only one in the house that he can really relate to. Niamh and Mollie are voted as the two candidates to leave. Nobody votes for Dylan.
9 - Niamh and Mollie are told of their nominations and burst into tears, before hugging everyone and telling them they love them. Claudia sings them a song - Swagger Jagger - to make them feel better.
10 - The public vote Mollie out of the house. She pretends not to be bothered but then breaks down and sobs that she should never have admitted about enjoying being spanked. Mollie leaves.
11 - Relationships are strained in the house as the housemates come to terms with Mollie's departure. The food budget is low due to the failure of last week's failed task. Claudia has to make do without the cucumber she requested. Niamh is visibly depressed and is comforted by Patrick, who tries to touch her on her Legs.
12 - The Big Brother pyschologist replays the footage of Patrick touching Niamh's Legs over and over again. This is because it shows an interesting psychological incident, of course, not because it will increase the viewing figures. Big Brother sets the housemates the task of jogging on a running machine for twice the circumferance of the globe. They gamble 40% of the food budget on completing it.
13 - The running machine task is on target, despite the fact that Conor refuses to run because his Legs hurts a bit.
14 - Much jubilation in the house as the running machine task is completed. Conor finally manages to run the last 10 metres of the task and claims that without him they'd never have done it. Niamh calls Conor a lazy Legs.
15 - Once again it is the day when nominations are due. Dylan tells everyone individually that he thinks Niamh is a *****. He also points out that anyone who wants to stay at his flat when the show is finished is welcome to come and visit. Niamh and Patrick are nominated by the housemates to leave. Nobody votes for Dylan.
16 - The nominations are announced. Niamh can't believe she's been voted out two weeks in a row. Patrick is equally stunned and turns to Niamh for comfort. Conor is distraught and confesses to Claudia that he thinks he is in love with Patrick. Claudia says she doesn't fancy any of the housemates because they're all just too heterosexual and she's a lesbian, you know
17 - The public vote Patrick out of the house. Niamh says she is gutted and even gives Patrick a clipping of hair from her Legs to prove how much she cares. Conor is also devastated but keeps his hair to himself. Patrick leaves.
18 - The Big Brother psychologist shows repeated clips of Niamh clipping the hair from her Legs. Apparently this is an important psychological incident. The public obviously agree as viewing figures soar.
19 - Big Brother sets the housemates the task of burping the National Anthem of Egypt in 60 seconds. They gamble 50% of the food budget on completing it.
20 - Nobody has a clue what the National Anthem of Egypt sounds like but Conor says it's a bit like Dancing Queen. The housemates choose Dylan as the one who must complete the task.
21 - Dylan successfully burps not only the National Anthem of Egypt but also God Save The Queen, Swagger Jagger and the theme tune to Family Guy. He is proclaimed as a hero, despite the fact that a vote in a tabloid newspaper shows that 98% of the public want to kill him.
22 - Nominations are due and Dylan tells everyone that he has a Villa in the South of France and they can all come and stay for a holiday. Conor and Claudia are nominated.
23 - Conor and Claudia take their nominations well and sit down with Dylan and Niamh to discuss why they voted for them. Dylan keeps quiet but Niamh accuses Conor of being an arrogant, lazy, self-centred Legs before bursting into tears.
24 - The public vote Claudia out of the house and nobody really gives a ****. Claudia leaves.
25 - Dylan becomes the first housemate to have a wank. This footage goes down well with the Big Brother pschologist who proclaims that it gives us a true insight into the working of Dylan's mind and brings out his true personality. In other words, he's a wanker.
26 - Big Brother sets the remaining three housemates the task of shifting 5000 tons of Horse dung using only a Fork. Dylan is unsure but Conor is confident, claiming to have done something very similar when he was younger. They gamble 50% of the food budget.
27 - Completely out of the blue, Conor breaks down in tears and announces that he is leaving. He claims that it is because the dung-shifting task has brought back the painful memories of the Horse incident from his childhood. Niamh tries to persuade him to stay but Dylan sits in a corner, rubbing his hands slyly. Conor decides to leave.
28 - With only two housemates remaining, the Horse dung task proves impossible. They fail miserably and resort to getting extremely pissed on some vegetable wine, made by Niamh from a couple of mouldy carrots she found in the Big Brother garden.
29 - Nominations are due for the final time. Dylan asks Niamh to marry him and she accepts. Unsurprisingly Dylan nominates Niamh to leave. Rather more surprisingly, so does Niamh.
30 - When the nomination is announced, Niamh graciously accepts defeat and proclaims that Dylan is a worthy winner. As they are soon to marry, she also agrees to shag him. The event is broadcast live to the nation and is preceded by a speech from the Queen. Everyone in the Big Brother production crew breathe a huge sigh of relief as viewing figures go through the roof. Dylan takes his £70,000 and runs away to Egypt. Nobody, including Niamh, ever sees him again.
LOL