The Jokes Thread

[Benjamin]

Add jokes, that is all. :pipe:



My mum bought a rape alarm the other day:

I said don't ******ing flatter yourself.


What do you call a chicken with lettuce in its eyes?
Chicken sees a salad

[Kate!]

Dear God!

[Josy]

Holy **** they were awful :laugh:

[Josy]

*waits on Niamh saying "whats brown and sticky?"*

[MTVN]

I have recently been battling with a tough hokey cokey addiction, thankfully though I've turned myself around, and that's what it's all about

[Benjamin]

I don't see better jokes from you wenches. :idc:

[Black Dagger]

Don't give up your day job.

(Or night job in your case xo)

[Livia]

A man is asked to give an after dinner speech at his local Rotary Club stag dinner, and decides to give a witty talk on oral sex. When his wife asked what he was going to speak about, he panicked and said “Oh… erm… sailing”. A few weeks later his wife sees one of the other Rotary club members in town and asks him how he liked her husband’s talk. He said it was brilliant and brought the house down! “Funny,” said his wife, “he’s only ever done it twice; once he was sick and once his hat blew off”.

[Shaun]

Smithy

that's the joke

[Legend killer]

How i charmed my GF

Why did the toilet roll roll down the hill??









TO GET TO THE BOTTOM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Been together for 2 years

[Fetch The Bolt Cutters]

why did the chicken cross the road

a chicken rapist was walking towards him on the same side of the street and it made him feel uneasy so he just crossed over

[Shaun]

what's the difference between a dead baby and a horse

no its becky

[LemonJam]

whats brown and sticky?

My cock.

[Fetch The Bolt Cutters]

what's the difference between a dead baby and a horse

no its becky

:joker::joker::joker::joker::joker:

[Joelle.]

Doctors say that masturbation is a natural, healthy, and normal thing to do. That's a relief.

I was beginning to think having a wank to this fat blonde covered in her own vomit sucking off a 3 legged donkey wasn't normal.

[King Gizzard]

ukturtle

[King Gizzard]

What is yellow, has wheels and lies on its back?


A school bus after a horrible traffic accident, in which many children are severly injured.

[Fetch The Bolt Cutters]

why did nathan cross the road

http://25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m5mzineVtj1qjsp4bo1_500.gif

[Joelle.]

I got in touch with my inner self today.

That's the last time I buy Tesco Value toilet roll.

[Smithy]

Smithy

that's the joke

:sad:

[fruit_cake]

a lady walks into a butchers shop and says

'have you got a sheep's head?'

the butcher replies

'no, it's just my hairstyle' :)

[Benjamin]

I called the hotel management from the hotel room and said, "Please, come quick. I'm having an argument with my wife and she says she'll jump out the window of your hotel".

"That is a personal matter". answered the hotel manager.

"**** you!" I screamed. "The window won't open so that's a maintenance matter."

[Lee.]

How do you make anti-freeze?

hide her nightie :laugh3:

[Lee.]

How do you make a sausage roll?

Give it a shove :laugh3:

[Benjamin]

I went to see the Red Arrows today.

There were gasps of "Ooh" and "Aah" as the crowds watched on in amazement. Near miss after near miss had some people covering their eyes and shaking their heads in disbelief.

It was a good half hour's worth of entertainment, but in the end, my wife finally managed to park the car and we made our way to the air show.

[Benjamin]

Next time you get a blow job, when your about to cum, shout "I've got AIDS!". When they pull back, cum on their face...

...the expression is priceless.

[Lee.]

What's orange and sounds like a parrot?

a carrot

[Mystic Mock]

What's Brown and sticky?

Poo that I had to flush down the Toilet.

[Gstar]

There were a group of 3 young men called "****** off", "Manners" and "Sh*t". They were getting ready to do their daily dose of mischief when all of a sudden a car ran over Sh*t and he went flying up in the air, an ambulance came shortly after and one of the paramedics came up to ****** off to ask him what happened

Paramedic: Hello young man, please may I have your name?
****** off: ****** off
Paramedic: Excuse me?
****** off: ****** off
Paramedic: Where on earth are your manners!?
****** off: Manners is over there, picking up Sh*t

[Marc]

'Ben'

:laugh3:

[Mystic Mock]

There were a group of 3 young men called "****** off", "Manners" and "Sh*t". They were getting ready to do their daily dose of mischief when all of a sudden a car ran over Sh*t and he went flying up in the air, an ambulance came shortly after and one of the paramedics came up to ****** off to ask him what happened

Paramedic: Hello young man, please may I have your name?
****** off: ****** off
Paramedic: Excuse me?
****** off: ****** off
Paramedic: Where on earth are your manners!?
****** off: Manners is over there, picking up Sh*t

:joker:

[Benjamin]

'Ben'

:laugh3:

I'm glad you amuse yourself. :idc:

[Jake.]

I'm managing a disabled tribute act to 'Steps'.
They have changed the name to 'Ramps'

[smeagol]

i like silly jokes

kid swallows a pound coin goes to hospital next day the parents phone the hospital to ask how he is doing. the nurse sorry no change lol

[Vanessa]

i like silly jokes

kid swallows a pound coin goes to hospital next day the parents phone the hospital to ask how he is doing. the nurse sorry no change lol

:joker::joker:

[Mystic Mock]

My Brother said that his got the C Virus, I asked what the hell is the C Virus? my Brother then goes and says that Christopher Maloney has tango'd him.

[Lee.]

What's orange and sounds like a parrot?

a carrot

[Benjamin]

Three blondes are walking through the woods when they stumble upon a set of tracks.

Blonde #1: I wonder what kind of tracks these are?

Blonde #3: These are definitely moose tracks.

Blonde #2: Are you sure? Something tells me these are bear tracks.

Blonde #1: I think they are horse tracks.

They were still arguing 10 minutes later when they were hit by the train.

[Benjamin]

There's a blonde a brunette, and a redhead and they are prisoners of war (not WWII), and her captures decide their gunners need target practice, so they will take turns in front of a firing squad.

The redhead goes first and is trying to think of a way to get out. All of a sudden, she points behind the gunners and yells "TORNADO!!!" The gunners turn around and the redhead runs and jumps the fence.

It is the brunette's turn, so she points behind the gunner's and yells "EARTHQUAKE!!!" They all turn around and look and the brunette runs an jumps the fence.

Now it is the blonde's turn. She is thinking 'A natural disaster, a natural disaster...oh, i got it' so she gets up to be shot when she points behind the gunners and yells "FIRE!!!"

[Benjamin]

A blind man enters a Ladies bar by mistake. He finds his way to a barstool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender: "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"
The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says: "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is just fair - giving that you are blind - that you should know that the bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde, I'm a 6 feet tall, 160 LB, blonde woman with a black belt in Karate, the woman sitting next to me is a blonde professional weightlifter and the lady to your right is a blonde professional wrestler. So d'you still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head and declares: "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times".

[Jake.]

:joker:

[Joelle.]

How do you embarrass an archeologist?

Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.

A man is in a hotel lobby. As he runs to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman and as he does, his elbow hits her breast. They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me." She replies, "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 243."

[Benjamin]

What does a nosey pepper do?

Gets jalapeno business.

[Benjamin]

There are two blondes. One"s a cop and ones driving a car.

The blonde cop stops the blonde driver and asks for identification.

The blonde driver looks all around in her purse and can"t find her license. "I must have left it at home, officer."

"Well, do you have any kind of identification on you?" asks the cop.

The blonde takes out a pocket mirror and says, "I do have this picture of me."

"Let me see it," says the cop. She holds up the mirror and looks in it. Then she says, "Sorry. If I had known you were a police officer, I wouldn"t have stopped you."

[Benjamin]

Why did the little boy drop his ice cream cone?

Because he was hit by a bus

[Ryan57]

Murphy's wife hasn't had an orgasm in their 25 years of marriage. So one day Murphy decides to go to the doctor to ask for some help the doctor says, 'she could be over heating. Try using a towel.'

So Murphy is down the pub that evening and he mentions it to his friend Paddy and asks for his help. Paddy agrees and they go home to help Murphy's wife, Cheryl, hopefully, finally, reach the promised land.

So Murphy is having sex with Cheryl whilst Paddy is wafting the towel, and after 2 and a half hours Cheryl still hasn't orgasmed. So Paddy says, 'let me have a go and you waft the towel.'

Low and behold, after 25 years, Cheryl has an orgasm.

And Murphy turns to Paddy and says, 'that my friend, is how you waft a bloody towel'.

[Kazanne]

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."

She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"

A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".

[Kazanne]

There are four kinds of sex :

HOUSE SEX - When you are newly married and have sex all over the house in every room.

BEDROOM SEX - After you have been married for a while, you only have sex in the bedroom.

HALL SEX - After you've been married for many, many years you just pass each other in the hall and say "**** YOU"

COURTROOM SEX - When your wife and her lawyer **** you in the divorce court in front of many people for every penny you've got.

[Benjamin]

A young guy drops off his girlfriend at her home after being out together on a date. When they reach the front door he leans up against the house with one hand and says to her, "How about a blowjob?"

"What! Are you crazy!"

"Don't worry, it will be quick," he ensures his girlfriend.

"No! Someone might see us..."

"It's just a small blowjob," he insists, "and I know you like it."

"No! I said no!"

"Baby... don't be like that."

Suddenly, the girl's younger sister shows up at the door in her nightgown, with her hair a mess, and rubbing her eyes. She looks at them and smirks, "Dad says either you blow him, I blow him, or he'll come downstairs and blow the guy himself... but for God's sake tell your boyfriend to take his hand off the intercom."

[Joelle.]

Just finished watching Schindler's List.

Wouldn't recommend it, and I don't agree with the quote on the box, "have a box of Kleenex handy".

It was rubbish, I only used two and that was during the shower scene. *

[LemonJam]

via http://badkidsjokes.tumblr.com/

2 pigs are eating food
one pig eats to much and he throws up
the other one says don’t make more we are not going to eat it all.

I shouldn't find these as hilarious as I do.

[Ammi]

..I think I've posted this joke before but it's still one of my favourites..(I only know 2 jokes..)..and yeah, a child told me it...

Why did the elephant fall out of the tree..?..

because it was dead

Why did the second elephant fall out of the tree..?..

it was glued to the first elephant

Why did the third elephant fall out of the tree..?

it thought it was a game

Why did the tree fall down..?...

it thought it was an elephant

[Benjamin]

The blonde walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist for some bottom deodorant. The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman that they don''t sell anything called bottom deodorant, and never have. Unfazed, the blonde assures him that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis, and would like some more. "I''m sorry," says the pharmacist, "we don''t have any."

"But I always get it here," says the blonde.

"Do you have the container it comes in?"

"Yes!" says the blonde, "I will go and get it."

She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist, who looks at it and says to her, "This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant."

The annoyed blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container: "To apply, push up bottom."

[Ithinkiloveyoutoo]

"I'm on a diet" one says
"On you're on a sea food diet" the other replies jokingly
"No I'm on a diet, going to eat healthy from tomorrow"
"Get it see-food. You see food you eat it, diet " ......nice one init? http://i44.tinypic.com/2w3z59g.jpg

[Black Dagger]

I want a joke Ben, not an essay.

[Kyle]

What's the definition of trust?

Two cannibals giving each other a blow job

[Benjamin]

I want a joke Ben, not an essay.

Oh, sorry. Try looking in the mirror then.

[Ithinkiloveyoutoo]

I want a joke Ben, not an essay.

He says 8 months later after the thread is revived. There is the joke too.

[Black Dagger]

Oh, sorry. Try looking in the mirror then.

i wish i had your wit.

[Ithinkiloveyoutoo]

There was a murder and an investigation. When the cops arrived at the house they found a man in a bathtub full of milk and banana stuck up his butt. The cop said he must have been a ce-real killer.

[Benjamin]

i wish i had your wit.

http://i875.photobucket.com/albums/ab320/alicebates92/gifs/tumblr_lksatyS28j1qfxgdh.gif

[Ithinkiloveyoutoo]

http://i.imgur.com/IpKWFtZ.jpg?1

[Crimson Dynamo]

What's an Irish seven-course meal?

A six pack and a potato.

[kirklancaster]

What do you call a Spanish Golfer with no pubic hair?



Severe BallackHairLoss

[hijaxers]

i like silly jokes

kid swallows a pound coin goes to hospital next day the parents phone the hospital to ask how he is doing. the nurse sorry no change lol

Where have you been ? Ya been missing ?

[hijaxers]

Have ya heard about the Homosexual sparrow ? Flew upside down for a Lark !

[Marsh.]

What do you call a coke without the c and with a j?

A joke. :laugh2:

[kirklancaster]

Doctors say that masturbation is a natural, healthy, and normal thing to do. That's a relief.

I was beginning to think having a wank to this fat blonde covered in her own vomit sucking off a 3 legged donkey wasn't normal.

:thumbs::joker::joker::joker:

[kirklancaster]

What do you call 2 German guys clinging to the wall above a window?


Kurt 'n' Rod.

[Ithinkiloveyoutoo]

http://i.imgur.com/oWnvZNN.jpg
http://i.imgur.com/xtqa2Cj.jpg

[-Sue-]

Q:What is the definition of male foreplay?
A: you awake :D

[kirklancaster]

I have recently been battling with a tough hokey cokey addiction, thankfully though I've turned myself around, and that's what it's all about

:joker: Actually good and funny.

[T*]

Benjamin

[Fetch The Bolt Cutters]

??

[-Sue-]

dr tells me to bring a wee sample from mid stream - you should have seen the looks i was getting from the fishermen me standing in the middle of the stream in my wellies trying to have a wee

[jennyjuniper]

A young man called Bloggs joins the army. He's a bit timid and his sergeant is a right bastard.
About a month later a call comes through that Blogg's dad has just died, so the Commander says to the sergeant 'Tell Bloggs his dad has died and give him 2 weeks compassionate leave.
The sergeant goes to the barracks and says 'Bloggs your dad has just snuffed it. Piss off for 2 weeks'.
Bloggs is going out of the camp in tears and the Commander sees him and asks what's wrong.
'It's my dad sir', he says, 'But it was the way I was told about it really'.
Anyway he goes home and 2 weeks later returns.
A month after that the Commander gets a call that Blogg's mum has passed away, He tells the sergeant to tell Bloggs, but adds 'Be a bit more subtle about it this time.
The sergeant goes to the barracks and orders everyone out onto the parade ground.
He lines them all up and shouts 'Everyone with mothers to the left. Bloggs, where the f....... hell are you going'?

[kirklancaster]

A young man called Bloggs joins the army. He's a bit timid and his sergeant is a right bastard.
About a month later a call comes through that Blogg's dad has just died, so the Commander says to the sergeant 'Tell Bloggs his dad has died and give him 2 weeks compassionate leave.
The sergeant goes to the barracks and says 'Bloggs your dad has just snuffed it. Piss off for 2 weeks'.
Bloggs is going out of the camp in tears and the Commander sees him and asks what's wrong.
'It's my dad sir', he says, 'But it was the way I was told about it really'.
Anyway he goes home and 2 weeks later returns.
A month after that the Commander gets a call that Blogg's mum has passed away, He tells the sergeant to tell Bloggs, but adds 'Be a bit more subtle about it this time.
The sergeant goes to the barracks and orders everyone out onto the parade ground.
He lines them all up and shouts 'Everyone with mothers to the left. Bloggs, where the f....... hell are you going'?

:joker::joker::joker:

[jennyjuniper]

A blonde woman got sacked from the M&M factory. She kept throwing away all the W's.

[jennyjuniper]

Three old men found on a desert island. A Japenese, an Irish man and a Scots man.
The Japenese didn't know the war had finished,
the Irish man didn't know it had started and the Scot wanted to start it all over again.

[kirklancaster]

Three old men found on a desert island. A Japenese, an Irish man and a Scots man.
The Japenese didn't know the war had finished,
the Irish man didn't know it had started and the Scot wanted to start it all over again.

:laugh: Was the Scotsman's name LeatherTrumpet Jenny?:joker:

[kirklancaster]

Q: How many archaeologists does does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Three: One to change it and two to argue about how ancient the old one is.

Q: How many Country & Western Singers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Ten: One to change it and nine to sing about how good the old one was.

Q: How many Luddites does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Two hundred: One to change it and the other one hundred and ninety nine to revolt against the change.

Q. How many TIBB atheists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Duh.... What's a light bulb?

I don't know why but the last one is my favourite.
__________________

[-Sue-]

Q: What is the definition of male foreplay?
A: You awake?

:joker:

[Johnnyuk123]

What's the difference between Katy Price and a bucket of shyte?

The bucket!

[Alf]

My girlfriends left me, she's taken the Television, The Satellite dish and my Bob Marley cd collection.

No Woman no Sky

[Benjamin]

How did I escape Iraq?

Iran

[kirklancaster]

How did I escape Iraq?

Iran

:laugh:

[kirklancaster]

My girlfriends left me, she's taken the Television, The Satellite dish and my Bob Marley cd collection.

No Woman no Sky

:laugh:

[Jøsh]

A girl walks into a supermarket. She picks up a banana, a can of soup, and a loaf of bread. She then walks up to the cash register to pay.
The cashier looks at her and the items she has and says, "I can tell you're single."
She smiles and responds, "How do you know that?"
He says, "Because you're ugly."