View Full Version : Would you have an affair?
Weird question I know :laugh: but following on from the would you forgive a cheater thread...
Would you ever or have you ever had an affair? or even cheated.
Firewire
30-06-2013, 02:12 AM
josy there was thread on this last week
keep up :idc:
No there wasn't? :suspect:
Drew.
30-06-2013, 02:14 AM
Nope :pipe:
Firewire
30-06-2013, 02:42 AM
there was omfg
it was to do with having an affair with a married man i think
Jords
30-06-2013, 02:43 AM
Glenn made a thread seeking social-approval :idc:
Glenn.
30-06-2013, 03:01 AM
I just needed some guidance :hmph:
..no never, I think if you're committed to a relationship and you then have feelings for someone else that you want to pursue, then you should end that relationship first..it'll still be painful for the other person but they won't have the lying/deception part of as well and that does make it so much worse...
..I also don't believe in 'you can't help who you fall in love with/don't expect these things' either, you can help it, it's completely in your control...you can't help who you meet and if you find yourself attracted to them but you always have a choice whether to pursue that attraction further or whether to walk away from it and be with your current partner...
thesheriff443
30-06-2013, 06:48 AM
there is a question on the bb application form that reads, if you could have sex with another person and your other half would never find out!, would you.
thesheriff443
30-06-2013, 06:52 AM
..no never, I think if you're committed to a relationship and you then have feelings for someone else that you want to pursue, then you should end that relationship first..it'll still be painful for the other person but they won't have the lying/deception part of as well and that does make it so much worse...
..I also don't believe in 'you can't help who you fall in love with/don't expect these things' either, you can help it, it's completely in your control...you can't help who you meet and if you find yourself attracted to them but you always have a choice whether to pursue that attraction further or whether to walk away from it and be with your current partner...
most affairs happen, when someone is giving you the attention your other half is not!.
you can be unfaithful to your other half without having sex!
most affairs happen, when someone is giving you the attention your other half is not!.
you can be unfaithful to your other half without having sex!
..yeah, I understand that, being 'unfaithful' is usually defined by what the mutual boundaries set down in a particular relationship are..and for me personally, I still hold with my opinion...if you are committed to a relationship that you want to keep and you feel any of those 'boundaries' are in danger, then you have the option to walk away from a situation...if you don't want to keep your current relationship, then end that fist...
..I don't actually mean you personally when I say 'you'...people in general...
thesheriff443
30-06-2013, 07:05 AM
..yeah, I understand that, being 'unfaithful' is usually defined by what the mutual boundaries set down in a particular relationship are..and for me personally, I still hold with my opinion...if you are committed to a relationship that you want to keep and you feel any of those 'boundaries' are in danger, then you have the option to walk away from a situation...if you don't want to keep your current relationship, then end that fist...
..I don't actually mean you personally when I say 'you'...people in general...
my post was not aimed at your opionion, just in general:joker:
I think people don't think like you! in general:shocked:, affairs are like being offered a new job, you see whats being offered, but you don't run in and tell your old boss your leaving straight away!
my post was not aimed at your opionion, just in general:joker:
I think people don't think like you! in general:shocked:, affairs are like being offered a new job, you see whats being offered, but you don't run in and tell your old boss your leaving straight away!
..I didn't understand that bit Sheriff..?...but the reason I said in my first post that people had the choice to act on attraction is also because the question was 'would you have an affair'..and that's generally people's perception of an affair but I do know 'being unfaithful' is defined by the individual couple's boundaries....I also think that people see things based on their own experience or the experience of people around them who they have seen hurt by such things, so I think my opinions are quite common...
thesheriff443
30-06-2013, 07:27 AM
..I didn't understand that bit Sheriff..?...but the reason I said in my first post that people had the choice to act on attraction is also because the question was 'would you have an affair'..and that's generally people's perception of an affair but I do know 'being unfaithful' is defined by the individual couple's boundaries....I also think that people see things based on their own experience or the experience of people around them who they have seen hurt by such things, so I think my opinions are quite common...
you make it sound like having an affair is black and white, its not, people stay in unhappy relationships all the time, and they test the water!,
people don't tend to jump out of one relationship into another its a lot slower.
affairs happen for different reasons and start in different ways.
you make it sound like having an affair is black and white, its not, people stay in unhappy relationships all the time, and they test the water!,
people don't tend to jump out of one relationship into another its a lot slower.
affairs happen for different reasons and start in different ways.
..I'm sorry Sheriff, I'm not really sure what you're saying..well I think I am with some of it but if people 'don't jump out of one and into another'..then they're ending the current relationship first, is that what you're saying..?...that's not an affair as such then...maybe it is technically if they're married but they're not deceiving their partner..?....
..and yes, having an affair really is black and white...emotions/feelings etc may not be black and white but the choice to act on them is...you either end your current relationship before you act on them and are honest or decide to stay with your partner and don't act on them because you feel that your commitment to your partner is stronger and the thing that you want...it really is that simple....
EDIT:..and yeah they start in different ways because you've allowed them to start...
thesheriff443
30-06-2013, 07:46 AM
..I'm sorry Sheriff, I'm not really sure what you're saying..well I think I am with some of it but if people 'don't jump out of one and into another'..then they're ending the current relationship first, is that what you're saying..?...that's not an affair as such then...maybe it is technically if they're married but they're not deceiving their partner..?....
..and yes, having an affair really is black and white...emotions/feelings etc may not be black and white but the choice to act on them is...you either end your current relationship before you act on them and are honest or decide to stay with your partner and don't act on them because you feel that your commitment to your partner is stronger and the thing that you want...it really is that simple....
EDIT:..and yeah they start in different ways because you've allowed them to start...
people don't just wake up one day and say im going to start an affair today:nono:
some people have affairs because they are unhappy with the person they are with but feel they cant leave because of things like kids.
or being an out cast from their family or religion.
Jessica.
30-06-2013, 07:47 AM
Never.
Cherie
30-06-2013, 07:59 AM
..I'm sorry Sheriff, I'm not really sure what you're saying..well I think I am with some of it but if people 'don't jump out of one and into another'..then they're ending the current relationship first, is that what you're saying..?...that's not an affair as such then...maybe it is technically if they're married but they're not deceiving their partner..?....
..and yes, having an affair really is black and white...emotions/feelings etc may not be black and white but the choice to act on them is...you either end your current relationship before you act on them and are honest or decide to stay with your partner and don't act on them because you feel that your commitment to your partner is stronger and the thing that you want...it really is that simple....
EDIT:..and yeah they start in different ways because you've allowed them to start...
I don't believe life is ever that simple, people stay in unhappy relationships for all sorts of reason, there are children involved, financial reasons, religious reasons. Ending a longstanding relations ship because you think the grass is greener on the other side would be catastrophic for some couples. Is it not often the case once the excitement of wears off then the person returns to their long standing partner and the relationship can actually improve as they realise what the jepordised in the first place? Of course it is never ideal, and utopia is to stay faithful to your partner throughout your life. But as Sherrif says being unfaithful to your partner comes in all guises, having secret relationships online could be considered being being unfaithful.
people don't just wake up one day and say im going to start an affair today:nono:
some people have affairs because they are unhappy with the person they are with but feel they cant leave because of things like kids.
or being an out cast from their family or religion.
...in my experience, children are much happier in single parent situations rather than having two parents who don't want to be with each other, so I don't agree with the 'for the kids' thing...and if they feel so much for this other person that they can't not be with them then I still hold that must make it worth being an 'outcast'...to have an affair is just a cop out because you're not protecting anyone except yourself....
I don't believe life is ever that simple, people stay in unhappy relationships for all sorts of reason, there are children involved, financial reasons, religious reasons. Ending a longstanding relations ship because you think the grass is greener on the other side would be catastrophic for some couples. Is it not often the case once the excitement of wears off then the person returns to their long standing partner and the relationship can actually improve as they realise what the jepordised in the first place? Of course it is never ideal, and utopia is to stay faithful to your partner throughout your life. But as Sherrif says being unfaithful to your partner comes in all guises, having secret relationships online could be considered being being unfaithful.
..I'm sorry, I don't agree Cherie..there might be reason other than love etc when people stay in reltionships..whether they are right to so or not, that's not really relevant as that's their decision..but they don't have to have an affair..having an affair is a personal choice..their lives may be complicated but the choice to have an affair really is quite simple...being 'unhappy' and 'having an affair' do not go hand in hand and one has to mean the other...
billy123
30-06-2013, 08:07 AM
josy there was thread on this last week
keep up :idc:
The other thread was would you have sex with someone who is married thats a completely different question. Keep up firewire fgs :idc:
you make it sound like having an affair is black and white, its not, people stay in unhappy relationships all the time, and they test the water!,
people don't tend to jump out of one relationship into another its a lot slower.
affairs happen for different reasons and start in different ways.
Thats not a reason to cheat thats just the reasoning of someone too weak to take control of their own life. Thats a pitiful excuse.
---
Falling in love with another person happens and if it happens while you are with someone else then its your responsibility to decide your future regardless of your circumstances you have to choose one or the other and be open about it.
People who cheat are cowards,lowlifes and weak people.
thesheriff443
30-06-2013, 08:09 AM
...in my experience, children are much happier in single parent situations rather than having two parents who don't want to be with each other, so I don't agree with the 'for the kids' thing...and if they feel so much for this other person that they can't not be with them then I still hold that must make it worth being an 'outcast'...to have an affair is just a cop out because you're not protecting anyone except yourself....
its clear i'm not going to change the way you think!, and I don't need to either!.
but I will say this, an affair is wrong but its more complicated than you believe.
thesheriff443
30-06-2013, 08:11 AM
The other thread was would you have sex with someone who is married thats a completely different question. Keep up firewire fgs :idc:
Thats not a reason to cheat thats just the reasoning of someone too weak to take control of their own life. Thats a pitiful excuse.
---
Falling in love with another person happens and if it happens while you are with someone else then its your responsibility to decide your future regardless of your circumstances you have to choose one or the other and be open about it.
People who cheat are cowards,lowlifes and weak people.
so you meet some one you like and straight away you go home and end a long term relationship, don't be silly!
its clear i'm not going to change the way you think!, and I don't need to either!.
but I will say this, an affair is wrong but its more complicated than you believe.
..I think it's quite rare that people change others opinions because they're quite often based on our own associations with things from the people around us and who we car about...
..and I do agree that feelings/emotions are complicated and you can't always plan for them but acting on them is always a personal choice...
so you meet some one you like and straight away you go home and end a long term relationship, don't be silly!
..so don't act on liking them then..if you don't feel that you can keep the relationship as 'friends' then avoid it as much as you can and certainly in a way that you think it may advance further...
billy123
30-06-2013, 08:20 AM
so you meet some one you like and straight away you go home and end a long term relationship, don't be silly!Deary me.
If you are going out getting stuck into to someone you dont even know then thats even more pathetic i was more referring more to friendships/relationships you have with other people developing into something else.
If you are prone to putting a relationship on the line at the risk of hurting a partner and your own children just for a one night thing then thats probably a sign its time to have a rethink.
I have put my opinion forward on the type of person that does that and it is inexcusable i will leave it there.
thesheriff443
30-06-2013, 08:23 AM
..I think it's quite rare that people change others opinions because they're quite often based on our own associations with things from the people around us and who we car about...
..and I do agree that feelings/emotions are complicated and you can't always plan for them but acting on them is always a personal choice...
very true!
but personal choice based on personal situations, its far easier to judge than to be judged.
very true!
but personal choice based on personal situations, its far easier to judge than to be judged.
..I'm not judging, only saying there is always a personal choice because the reasons are just that..they're reasons/excuses..they're not things which force you to act, only the person themselves make the choice to act on those reasons...
thesheriff443
30-06-2013, 08:29 AM
Deary me.
If you are going out getting stuck into to someone you dont even know then thats even more pathetic i was more referring more to friendships/relationships you have with other people developing into something else.
If you are prone to putting a relationship on the line at the risk of hurting a partner and your own children just for a one night thing then thats probably a sign its time to have a rethink.
I have put my opinion forward on the type of person that does that and it is inexcusable i will leave it there.
its clear you have very strong views on this, its wrong to have an affair, but I am willing to accept that affairs start for many reasons, and the person having the affair is not always the monster in the relationship.
its clear you have very strong views on this, its wrong to have an affair, but I am willing to accept that affairs start for many reasons, and the person having the affair is not always the monster in the relationship.
..no one said that anyone who has an affair was a monster Sheriff..only that they have a choice...
..I should also say that the partner who suffers emotional pain because of a deception does not have the same choices...
thesheriff443
30-06-2013, 08:33 AM
..no one said that anyone who has an affair was a monster Sheriff..only that they have a choice...
bob said they are cowards lowlifes and weak,
billy123
30-06-2013, 08:42 AM
its clear you have very strong views on this, its wrong to have an affair, but I am willing to accept that affairs start for many reasons, and the person having the affair is not always the monster in the relationship.
bob said they are cowards lowlifes and weak,Thats once the choice is made and is just my personal opinion nobody elses.
Nor was it intended as an an attack on anyone in paticular btw.
Im not the most subtle with my words i know.
Now i am going work beckons.
bob said they are cowards lowlifes and weak,
..the strange thing Sheriff is that I don't think we're that far apart in our opinions in that the reasons why people choose to have affairs are very complicated and not black and white at all...very few things in life are black and white and I do have sympathy/compassion for many of those reasons as well...my work involves being involved with many families and many situations and some things are just very sad and unfortunate and they have far reaching effects on the whole family...
..but the actual choice to have the affair really is black and white..you do or you don't....
Thats once the choice is made and is just my personal opinion nobody elses.
Nor was it intended as an an attack on anyone in paticular btw.
Im not the most subtle with my words i know.
Now i am going work beckons.
..TiBB is such a distraction, 5 minutes is often half a day..enjoy your day at work Bob..:love:...
Vicky.
30-06-2013, 08:47 AM
I have cheated yes. Oddly enough I didnt even feel a bit guilty about it either..
Cherie
30-06-2013, 08:49 AM
..I'm sorry, I don't agree Cherie..there might be reason other than love etc when people stay in reltionships..whether they are right to so or not, that's not really relevant as that's their decision..but they don't have to have an affair..having an affair is a personal choice..their lives may be complicated but the choice to have an affair really is quite simple...being 'unhappy' and 'having an affair' do not go hand in hand and one has to mean the other...
I agree with that Ammi, some people are just greedy and want to please themselves, but in the main the majority of affairs are borne of boredom, unhappiness, discontent, a craving for excitement or in some cases naivety.
thesheriff443
30-06-2013, 08:52 AM
..the strange thing Sheriff is that I don't think we're that far apart in our opinions in that the reasons why people choose to have affairs are very complicated and not black and white at all...very few things in life are black and white and I do have sympathy/compassion for many of those reasons as well...my work involves being involved with many families and many situations and some things are just very sad and unfortunate and they have far reaching effects on the whole family...
..but the actual choice to have the affair really is black and white..you do or you don't....
yes we are on the same page:xyxwave:
but I find women that have affairs have it to feel loved and wanted something they are not getting in their own relationship!
men have affairs for sex something they are not getting in their own relationships.
this is of course not going to be the same for everyone and some people don't know what they have got or have until its gone
yes we are on the same page:xyxwave:
but I find women that have affairs have it to feel loved and wanted something they are not getting in their own relationship!
men have affairs for sex something they are not getting in their own relationships.
this is of course not going to be the same for everyone and some people don't know what they have got or have until its gone
..the problem is that the risk is so high that they'll lose it in that finding out what they have and hurt many people in the process...I know maybe I'm sounding pedantic but I don't mean to and do understand that people have complicated lives but I do also truly believe that if there is anything that you feel 'deprived' of in a relationship you've made a commitment to..sex, love etc..then talk to your partner and if it really can't be resolved, then end that relationship first....
thesheriff443
30-06-2013, 09:01 AM
I have cheated yes. Oddly enough I didnt even feel a bit guilty about it either..
from that I would say the following,
he cheated on you first
you had only been together a short while
you where not happy
Vicky.
30-06-2013, 09:03 AM
from that I would say the following,
he cheated on you first
you had only been together a short while
you where not happy
Well
- As it turned out (I didnt know this at the time though so I cant use it as any kind of 'excuse') he WAS cheating on me with a few people..including men. Was a closet bi :bored:
- We had been together about 2 months. He was my first 'real' relationship.
- Not really. But I was staying with him as we had a house together and I knew if we split up I would have nowhere to live. Was saving up for a deposit so I could leave.
Niall
30-06-2013, 09:11 AM
I think that if I was in a really awful relationship that I couldn't get out of then maybe I would, but other than that I would never cheat. And I've never cheated thus far either (ha! Like I've had the opportunity...).
Shaun
30-06-2013, 09:13 AM
I wouldn't say never... oddly I'd feel more compelled to if there were kids or a marriage involved, I think, because it'd be less easy to just say to the partner you wanted to call it quits, and start seeing someone else.
lostalex
30-06-2013, 09:38 AM
Only if it was 100% secret. I would never be the type of person who does it in an obvious way, or who ever tells my partner about it. I think it's very cruel to tell your partner that you have cheated.
I think a lot of people cheat, and they do it in a very obvious way where they obviously WANT to get caught, and I think those type of people are horrible.
If you are going to cheat then you should only do it in a way where it is 100% sure you will never get caught and you should never EVER tell the other person. No matter how guilty you feel about it, you should not tell the other person. If you feel guilty about it then that is YOUR burden to bear and it is your own fault so you deserve it. Telling your partner about it just to relieve your own guilt is evil, and it's hurting them in order to alleviate your own guilt.
Even if you end up breaking up with that partner for whatever reason, you should still never tell them about your cheating, because it's just cruel.
Niamh.
30-06-2013, 12:02 PM
..no never, I think if you're committed to a relationship and you then have feelings for someone else that you want to pursue, then you should end that relationship first..it'll still be painful for the other person but they won't have the lying/deception part of as well and that does make it so much worse...
..I also don't believe in 'you can't help who you fall in love with/don't expect these things' either, you can help it, it's completely in your control...you can't help who you meet and if you find yourself attracted to them but you always have a choice whether to pursue that attraction further or whether to walk away from it and be with your current partner...
Absolutely this, and I ****ing hate when people use the you can't help who you fall in love with excuse, that's complete BS
Samuel.
30-06-2013, 12:04 PM
Never. Having been cheated on, I'd never want to put somebody else through that. Sickens me to think about it. One of the worst things you could do to somebody.
But... there was one scenario I considered it. I was with a girl from Germany, and she was going back home in about 2 months time where I'd never see her again. She was in love with me, and I was at the point of wanting to break up with her. But I thought instead of crushing her by breaking up with her, I'd let myself have a single frame of mind in being open to other women, but keep her ignorant to it all and let her believe we're both madly in love, keeping us both feeling happy (a part from the horribly crippling guilt I'd have to live with).
Nothing happened in the end anyway so it's pointless story :pipe:
Black Dagger
30-06-2013, 12:07 PM
Never... the thought of wrecking people's lives doesn't appeal to me, he can split up with his partner and then have sex with me if he's that keen :idc:
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