If one person wants a baby and the other doesn't....

[Kyle]

Ok the scenario is this;

Your in a long term relationship and your discussing the future, your partner wants children but you don't. You've been together for a while and you both love each other a lot so parting ways is untenable.

My question is; Is it selfish to deprive that person of having a child? What can you do?

[Vicky.]

I dont think its selfish, no. A baby is a lifelong commitment, its not something you can compromise on like getting a hamster or something.

If you really do not want kids, and your partner does, splitting and finding people with similar interests is the best plan IMO. Its unfair to even consider having a child that you don't want really..because chances are you will end up resenting the child, and its not the kids fault.

[smudgie]

Very difficult situation.

If hubby did not want kids then we would not have had them.
I love him. Soulmates are hard to find.

If it had turned out one of us could not have had kids, then it would have been pretty shallow to split up.

Edit.
Oops, I have it the wrong way around.
If hubby wanted them and I didn't then the ball would be in his court.
Up to him f he loved me enough.

[Vicky.]

Not being able to have kids is miles away from just not wanting them. If one couldn't actually have them, there are other avenues to try.

It depends quite how desperate one of you is to have a baby, and quite how against it the other is. If there is absolutely no chance of either changing their mind, I think splitting is the only option.

[smudgie]

Not being able to have kids is miles away from just not wanting them. If one couldn't actually have them, there are other avenues to try.

It depends quite how desperate one of you is to have a baby, and quite how against it the other is. If there is absolutely no chance of either changing their mind, I think splitting is the only option.

Yes. I had it the wrong way around:blush:
But either way, if you truly love somebody and want to have a life with them then you would make the sacrifice. Just depends on which one makes the sacrifice I suppose.

[Kyle]

Not being able to have kids is miles away from just not wanting them. If one couldn't actually have them, there are other avenues to try.

It depends quite how desperate one of you is to have a baby, and quite how against it the other is. If there is absolutely no chance of either changing their mind, I think splitting is the only option.

The problem is if I said I didn't want them, she would do that but I don't think I can go through life knowing I've deprived her of the one thing most people live for.

The problem is it's a lot like Smudgie said with the soulmate thing. Do people change their mind on being a parent when they get older? Is it something like once you reach late 20's a light just switches on in your brain?

That question wasn't aimed at you Vicky btw I have no idea how old you are you could be younger than me for all I know.

[Natalie.]

If one wants a baby and the other doesn't it's up to them to either leave the relationship or not have a baby. Depends what is more important to them.. hard decision really.
I might be put in this situation in my life as I don't want any kids, unless my mind changes.

[AnnieK]

I have personal experience of this and it is the absolute worst...

Ultimately, my relationship was sacrificed and it was the saddest time of my life.....

[Vicky.]

Yes. I had it the wrong way around:blush:
But either way, if you truly love somebody and want to have a life with them then you would make the sacrifice. Just depends on which one makes the sacrifice I suppose.

I dunno, with something as lifechanging as having a child?

It could turn out alright, and the one who didnt want kids could find their maternal/paternal side when baby is born. But is it worth taking the chance? Enough kids have parents who don't want them, we dont need more:(

On the other hand, the person who does want them compromises...leads an empty life (in their eyes, if they have always wanted a family) and ends up resenting the other for not letting them have a shot at what they have always wanted. And by then its too late to change their mind.

[Vicky.]

The problem is if I said I didn't want them, she would do that but I don't think I can go through life knowing I've deprived her of the one thing most people live for.

The problem is it's a lot like Smudgie said with the soulmate thing. Do people change their mind on being a parent when they get older? Is it something like once you reach late 20's a light just switches on in your brain?

That question wasn't aimed at you Vicky btw I have no idea how old you are you could be younger than me for all I know.

For me, I was never really fussed about kids, until I got pregnant. I have never been the most maternal of people, but everything changed when I knew I was going to have a baby.

I know that doesnt help much :laugh:

[Kyle]

I have personal experience of this and it is the absolute worst...

Ultimately, my relationship was sacrificed and it was the saddest time of my life.....

Edit: Actually I shouldn't have asked, I apologise.

[Kyle]

For me, I was never really fussed about kids, until I got pregnant. I have never been the most maternal of people, but everything changed when I knew I was going to have a baby.

I know that doesnt help much :laugh:

No no it's all helping. I suppose some people adapt to the role once it's thrust upon them. They do say having a child is the greatest feeling in the world and I suppose parent mode would just kick in automatically in most cases right?

[Jesus.]

I always try to work to "relationship deal breakers". If someone cheated on me, then it would be over as that's a deal breaker in my view, otherwise it's up for negotiation. I view children in exactly the same way - I'd love children of my own, but I'd much rather find the person I'm most compatible with, so if that is with someone who didn't want them, then I'd take the person over the children every day of the week.

If it was the other way round, and the other person wanted them, but I didn't, then it would come down to finances for me. If we were in a position where we could afford it, then I'd be willing to compromise, otherwise struggling to pay bills and put food on the table and trying to provide for another mouth to feed would be a massive stress/strain on any relationship that wasn't in it together.

[AnnieK]

Is it ok if I ask you to expand a little on this please? If you don't want to though it's ok I don't want to pry.

Yeah it's ok.....

My husband and I tried to have children...spent money on IVF which failed then he said enoughs enough and didn't want to go through it again. He already had kids and his mind could not be changed. I wanted a child more than anything and I tried to think of my life without one and couldn't.

I didn't even know at this stage if I could have children but I made the decision that I had to keep trying. It was so sad as we were best friends as well.....but I left which was the hardest thing I've ever done....and went on to have my son.

[AnnieK]

I always try to work to "relationship deal breakers". If someone cheated on me, then it would be over as that's a deal breaker in my view, otherwise it's up for negotiation. I view children in exactly the same way - I'd love children of my own, but I'd much rather find the person I'm most compatible with, so if that is with someone who didn't want them, then I'd take the person over the children every day of the week.

If it was the other way round, and the other person wanted them, but I didn't, then it would come down to finances for me. If we were in a position where we could afford it, then I'd be willing to compromise, otherwise struggling to pay bills and put food on the table and trying to provide for another mouth to feed would be a massive stress/strain on any relationship that wasn't in it together.

This is so true, after we split, my hubby said he would give it a go but I was scared if we did have a child and things were tough he would resent me and the baby and so I couldn't compromise, I thought too much of him for that.

[Jesus.]

This is so true, after we split, my hubby said he would give it a go but I was scared if we did have a child and things were tough he would resent me and the baby and so I couldn't compromise, I thought too much of him for that.

You always have to be weary about promises during a break up. We're all capable of promising the earth in desperate times. Reality is a lot harder to live with.

[Kyle]

Yeah it's ok.....

My husband and I tried to have children...spent money on IVF which failed then he said enoughs enough and didn't want to go through it again. He already had kids and his mind could not be changed. I wanted a child more than anything and I tried to think of my life without one and couldn't.

I didn't even know at this stage if I could have children but I made the decision that I had to keep trying. It was so sad as we were best friends as well.....but I left which was the hardest thing I've ever done....and went on to have my son.

That's a heart wrenching story and thanks for sharing. Glad there was a happy ending though. :love:

[Ramsay]

Breaking up is the only real option

[Vicky.]

I think most people deep down have a maternal/paternal side. I think it would be very rare for someone to have a child and feel nothing for it. Even if you are as extreme as to hate other kids, its very different when it is your own.

I can only speak from a mothers POV obviously. But I assume it would be the same for fathers.

[Jessica.]

I think talking about children is one of the most important things to be done as soon as a relationship begins to get serious, there's no hope if you are only deciding when the person who wants the baby is ready.

[Kizzy]

It's a toughie, if you're both in your 20s then I think that it may be too early to make these make or break decisions, especially if both one or both are career minded people.
However in the thirties with careers and relationship established then maybe have a more important discussion?
It's sad but it may be better to split, as said each could feel held back or resentful otherwise.

[Z]

I think most people deep down have a maternal/paternal side. I think it would be very rare for someone to have a child and feel nothing for it. Even if you are as extreme as to hate other kids, its very different when it is your own.

I can only speak from a mothers POV obviously. But I assume it would be the same for fathers.

I think I would be a great parent but I don't want to have any children because I want to do lots of things on my own that I simply couldn't do if I had parental responsibilities. If you have a child, your life is no longer just about you and I think for many people, especially men, that's not an appealing prospect until you feel like you've done all that you want to do on your own. That's my take anyway. My mum always said to us that we should never truly settle down until we're about 30-33 because being young is all about making mistakes and learning from them, so by the time you hit 30 you've generally got all the stupid out of your system and you're probably going to be a much better person for it. I could never imagine factoring in a child if I want to go out with my friends or whatever, not at this stage.

If two people have different wants on this level then the only thing to do is to amicably break up. One of you shouldn't be unhappy for life just to make the other one happy. That's crazy.

[Ammi]

..I don't think you can 'deprive' someone of being a parent, I think really the decision is up to them whether they want the relationship with that person more or to be a parent more...

[Vicky.]

I think I would be a great parent but I don't want to have any children because I want to do lots of things on my own that I simply couldn't do if I had parental responsibilities. If you have a child, your life is no longer just about you and I think for many people, especially men, that's not an appealing prospect until you feel like you've done all that you want to do on your own. That's my take anyway. My mum always said to us that we should never truly settle down until we're about 30-33 because being young is all about making mistakes and learning from them, so by the time you hit 30 you've generally got all the stupid out of your system and you're probably going to be a much better person for it. I could never imagine factoring in a child if I want to go out with my friends or whatever, not at this stage.

If two people have different wants on this level then the only thing to do is to amicably break up. One of you shouldn't be unhappy for life just to make the other one happy. That's crazy.
Yeah thats a great point really. When you have a child, pretty much for the next 18 years you don't have your own life..everything revolves around the child. I mean, you can still go out, but its a right fanny on trying to get childcare and such sorted :laugh:

Waiting til you are older does make sense, but for women its not really that simple. Put if off til mid thirties, and then if it doesn't happen quite soon, you might not be able to do it fullstop :/

[x-evenstar-x]

Ok the scenario is this;

Your in a long term relationship and your discussing the future, your partner wants children but you don't. You've been together for a while and you both love each other a lot so parting ways is untenable.

My question is; Is it selfish to deprive that person of having a child? What can you do?

Maybe a baby isn't all she wants, she might want other things first and a baby is the furthest thing from her mind. Maybe this is a conversation you should have with her to find out exactly how she feels.

[Kyle]

Maybe a baby isn't all she wants, she might want other things first and a baby is the furthest thing from her mind. Maybe this is a conversation you should have with her to find out exactly how she feels.

Alright sorry.

[x-evenstar-x]

Alright sorry.

It's fine,I guess it's interesting to hear everyone's opinion.

[james130]

Yeah, I know; without a doubt, that I want kids and a family.
If the woman I was with didn't share that aspiration, then I would find another; no matter how much I loved her. I doubt I would enjoy my life and would live with regret if I did not have kids and (sad but true) would grow to resent my partner for it.

[thesheriff443]

a spanner from me in the works,
you split with someone over wanting kids, then find out you cant have kids.

[Cherie]

..I don't think you can 'deprive' someone of being a parent, I think really the decision is up to them whether they want the relationship with that person more or to be a parent more...

True enough as long as you are not hiding the fact that you don't want kids or giving her the impression that you might change your mind in the future when you know in your heart that you won't then it is her choice.

My sisters husband never wanted kids, she would have liked some but she wanted to be with him more, they have a great relationship and I don't think she ever regretted it.

[Ammi]

True enough as long as you are not hiding the fact that you don't want kids or giving her the impression that you might change your mind in the future when you know in your heart that you won't then it is her choice.

My sisters husband never wanted kids, she would have liked some but she wanted to be with him more, they have a great relationship and I don't think she ever regretted it.

..yeah, I think that’s it, Cherie..not everyone wants children anyway, but even if one of the people in the partnership does and the other doesn’t, it can still be a great/long lasting relationship and isn’t necessarily ‘doomed to fail’...what we want/our directions etc change through our lives anyway and couples can start going in different directions/not want the same things at any point in time and any point in their relationship... it’s just that with children there is an association that females will want to become mothers but that isn’t always the case, some prefer not to be... but even if the female does want a child, maybe that would change for her if the having of that child meant a ‘sacrifice’ of the person she loved and wanted to be with, that can put a whole new spin on it....

...I don’t think there is anything that my OH could have said that would have made me feel, uh uh, I can’t be with you then if that’s how you feel because my feelings for the guy I knew and loved was a much stronger emotion than any need or want for a child that I had yet to know and love at the time, you only love them (children) when you have them/become pregnant etc .... anyway, it’s lovely that your sister and her husband are happy and so much in love with each other, that’s always nice to hear.... and yeah, openness and honesty...always....

[AnnieK]

I have always known I wanted children and when we split I didn't know if I could but i knew that i had to keep trying....I loved my OH enough to let him go rather than get pregnant and make him resent me for making him do something he didn't want to do but I could not envisage my life without having a child (or doing all I could to get there)