missing person appeal - have you seen my wife (spoof)

[waterhog]

missing person appeal - have you seen my wife (spoof) 30.10.14

i have walked the clubs
been in nearly every bar
had way to many intimate rubs
must have been in every brothel, sauna spa.
still no sign
it is a clear and blatant theft
even when sunny i have no shine
sometimes i accept she has left.
but it is all about hope
not just about my winkle
she no's with out her i won't cope
its already started to shrivel and wrinkle.
our bed time chats were romantic
not one bit corny
you made me gigantic
always went to sleep horny.
our future hopes of life
together we could snuggle with a scotch
i so miss my wife
my decision is to go on "crime watch".
one more dance
my love for you it will seal
if any lady wants my life to enhance
then don't be "desperate" but ASAP reply to my wife appeal.

( i will go through every reply with a tooth pick because my decision has to be the right one. if you want a tip - do a poem reply and i am yours. i have booked the church for next Saturday which gives me 2 days to select. if i have no reply's i will re-book the church but as i am not desperate i am sure i will full in love with the first reply. ps no gold diggers need apply. )

[T*]

why is this in SD&N

[Anaesthesia]

I've been married once already
Not sure I want it twice
Not even to a poet
(although that *might* be nice)
Don't care about your winkle, your brothel visits either
The only man that's good for me (apart from Wesley Snijder)
Is one that piques my intellect,
Who loves the great outdoors
Who shares my love for football
And shares the household chores
Who isn't always down the pub
Can use a kitchen pan
Who gets my need to travel...now that's my kind of man.
My lover in the bedroom,
My best friend throughout life
My heart, my soul, my everything...
Now THEN I'd be a wife.

Good luck Waterhog, but I don't think it's me xx

Btw, I do honestly have the biggest crush on Snijder, it's massively weird and my boyfriend thinks I am quite wrong in the head because of it - but I am also crazy about Eric Cantona and Zlatan Ibrahimovic...are you a footballer? :P

[waterhog]

anaesthesia - what a lovely peace - and before i got to the bottom i accepted.


thank you thank you thank you thank you = see to at the church on sat lol.

[Anaesthesia]

Where's my massive diamond engagement ring then? :P

[lily.]

Anae, you inspired me to make a thread about good looking footballers.. ;)

[Anaesthesia]

Anae, you inspired me to make a thread about good looking footballers.. ;)

OMG, now I need to find it :D

[waterhog]

i am over here - not

[arista]

why is this in SD&N



Maybe the mods can not work it out?

[Kyle]

To find a girl's my beck and call
Cos someone burst my blow up doll
My dear Monica rest in tatters
I loved our midnight chitter chatter
I say we talked, only I had words
You weren't like all the other birds
That nag and nag the night away
And make me wish I was born gay
Enough of that cos now your gone
I'll probably have to watch some porn
Until I find a girl I like
I'll get her drink of which I'll.......

....Only joking I'll just be cool
Maybe have a laugh and play some pool
And at the end I'll try to cop off
And then she'll tell me to **** off
So another night, I'm all alone
No blow up doll to soothe my bone

Fin

[kirklancaster]

Paradise Lost (definitely not Milton’s version)

You seek me here, you seek me there
Oh Waterhog you seek me everywhere

Give up this hunt – you must be bent
You stupid Cnt – you’re the reason I went

I lay there each night my charms exposed
Where were you? Composing prose.

In bed I lay naked ten thousand times
Where were you? - Scribbling rhymes.

I’d shout downstairs “I need you”
You’d shout back “I’ll come up later”

But as your fingers switched on the typewriter
Mine switched on my vibrator

They say “There’s only so much a girl can take”
But with me that truth’s untested
‘Cos even though I begged you for some
You were never interested.

I'd lay butt naked, legs akimbo, oil upon my belly
But all you ever dabbled in was Byron, Keats and Shelley

When we wed and I said “I do”, I should have said “I don’t”
Because you said “I do” too, but since then you simply won’t.

So now I’ve gone my darling, at last now I am free
To find a poetry-hating stud to make sweet love to me.

Though I’m not alone on my quest- I just thought you ought to know
I have twin sex slaves at my service – one Dil the other Doe.

So continue with your poetry Waterhog – scribble at your leisure
For your ex is finally now, discovering ways of gaining pleasure.

For example, I make love now on a mirror
(I just thought you should be knowing)
And my orgasms are so incredible
I don’t know whether I’m coming or going.

Anyway my love, ‘tis in vain you’ll search this land
I’ve gone to ground, I won’t be found
So take yourself in hand.

[waterhog]

thank you anaesthesia - thank you kyle and thank you kirklancaster - what can i say. i am in hysterics. that has made my day - my week - made my year - no made my life. thank you very much all 3. i so enjoyed all of them and i can not express how grateful i am.

when i am feeling sad and down i will look at this this thread to cheer me up.

when i stop laughing i am going to bed - might be a few hours yet.

thank you very much all 3. thank you.

[kirklancaster]

thank you anaesthesia - thank you kyle and thank you kirklancaster - what can i say. i am in hysterics. that has made my day - my week - made my year - no made my life. thank you very much all 3. i so enjoyed all of them and i can not express how grateful i am.

when i am feeling sad and down i will look at this this thread to cheer me up.

when i stop laughing i am going to bed - might be a few hours yet.

thank you very much all 3. thank you.

Thank you Waterhog, because I always enjoy reading your poems. Keep it going. :wavey:

[Anaesthesia]

thank you anaesthesia - thank you kyle and thank you kirklancaster - what can i say. i am in hysterics. that has made my day - my week - made my year - no made my life. thank you very much all 3. i so enjoyed all of them and i can not express how grateful i am.

when i am feeling sad and down i will look at this this thread to cheer me up.

when i stop laughing i am going to bed - might be a few hours yet.

thank you very much all 3. thank you.

I'll just echo kirk :) Thank you waterhog, I love you and your off-the-wall-ness even though I really don't want to marry again :) I hope you find the love of your life x

[kirklancaster]

I'll just echo kirk :) Thank you waterhog, I love you and your off-the-wall-ness even though I really don't want to marry again :) I hope you find the love of your life x

Yes -- It is his complete 'off-the-wall-ness' which is his appeal. A good way of putting it. :wavey::wavey:

[Anaesthesia]

Yes -- It is his complete 'off-the-wall-ness' which is his appeal. A good way of putting it. :wavey::wavey:

You too, being the bastard offspring of Kirk Douglas and Burt Lancaster :D

There are some truly wonderful people on here.

[waterhog]

what a lovely home we have here.

when i retire i am booking in here 24 -7.

night night all and i am still laughing.

[Anaesthesia]

what a lovely home we have here.

when i retire i am booking in here 24 -7.

night night all and i am still laughing.

Always keep laughing :) This community is great and so are you! Goodnight, shortly be off myself, I only finished closing ,y books half an hour ago, I'll re-read the poems before I go,