Mock's awful jokes thread.

[Mystic Mock]

Let's Egg on the yokes guys.

1. Why do I have a problem with Offal? Because it thinks it's so brainy.

2. How did the pigeon avoid the car on the road? It winged it.

3. What do you think of my dress? It's alwhite.

4. Where did Ashleigh Coyle want to take BB15's Christopher? In the Hall.

5. What do girls do together in the Bathroom after a huge falling out? Make-up.

6. What bugs Spiders? Flies.

7. What's 5+5? 5 Alive.

8. How do you change the colour of your wall? You paint it.

9. Who sounds like a Banshee when singing? Ke$ha.

10. What do people say at a Baked Bean party? Heinz guys.

11. Who has that poison? Nicole Scherzinger.

[Shaun]

this is gonna be a long thread.

[kirklancaster]

this is gonna be a long thread.

:joker: Or not.

[Raph]

You give Sam Evans a run for his money

[Jake.]

'awful' doesn't quite cut it

[Cal.]

ha2

[AnnieK]

Sorry Mock but your thread title is completely correct :laugh:

[GypsyGoth]

:amazed: I've got one!!!

How do you kill a circus??
Go for the juggler!!!

[Kyle]

Leather trumpet and Kirk Lancaster are walking down the street when Leather Trumpet trips over a mirror that is left on the floor. As he gets to his feet he picks up the mirror and takes a long hard look in it.

"Hhmmm" he says. "This person looks familiar but I can't for the life of me work out who it is"

"Give me that" snaps Kirk in an impatient fit and he takes it to look in. "Ah you idiot, how could you not recognise who that was, it's me!"

[Kyle]

Ninastar, Kazanne and Kizzy were all in a plane crash and managed to swim to a nearby island. After a few weeks they realised there was little food, little fresh water and **** all to do. One day Kazanne was out walking when she tripped over a lamp. Excited she brought it back to the others where Ninastar erotically rubbed the lamp and out popped a genie.

"Behold" he said. "I am the genie of the truth and I have come to...oh my God you are all women" he grumbled. "Well I was going to offer you all the wishes in the world but because you are all split arses you can all have just one wish each"

The girls all looked at themselves with glee.

"Me first then" cried Kizzy.

"Step right up" said the truth genie. "What would you like? A new kitchen for you to work in maybe?"

"No" snapped Kizzy. "I want to go home, I want to be around my friends and family, hug them and tell them I love them."

"Very well" said the genie and **** she was gone.

"Well I guess I'm next then" said Ninastar "I want to go home. I miss my cat and I miss my dog, i want to be home so I can give them all a hug and tell them I love them."

"Very well" said the genie and **** she was gone.

The genie turned to Kazanne, who was looking pretty sheepish.

"Now you" he said.

Kazanne took a long look at the emptiness around her before she mumbled "gee, I'm kinda lonely around here now, I wish my friends were back"

[Josy]

Well...

[kirklancaster]

Sorry Mock but you're thread title is completely correct :laugh:

Anniek! :puzzled:

:joker::joker::joker:

[kirklancaster]

Leather trumpet and Kirk Lancaster are walking down the street when Leather Trumpet trips over a mirror that is left on the floor. As he gets to his feet he picks up the mirror and takes a long hard look in it.

"Hhmmm" he says. "This person looks familiar but I can't for the life of me work out who it is"

"Give me that" snaps Kirk in an impatient fit and he takes it to look in. "Ah you idiot, how could you not recognise who that was, it's me!"

:fist: Hey!

[kirklancaster]

Work your way through this one Kyle :hehe:

The United Nations are having a new multi-million pound extension built to their headquarters in Geneva. Under UN rules at least two Senior Civil Servants must be on site at all times to oversee its progress.

Three Senior Civil Servants are selected – Herr Manfred Bockenfeldt from Munich, Germany, Ringo Smith from Liverpool, England, and Senor Manuel Erozzes from Pamplona Spain.

All three are on site and it starts to lash it down with rain. It rains for several days and all three get soaked. Senor Erozzes catches a cold and starts violently sneezing. His cold gets steadily worse, until at the weekend, he tells the other two that he’s going back to his hotel because he can’t stop sneezing and coughing. He tells them to telephone him if there are any problems.

The next day Smith and Bockenfeldt start coughing and sneezing because they too have caught the cold.

Smith turns to Bockenfeldt and suggests that they should go back to the hotel as well, because they’re both ill and – anyway – nobody will know, but the German is a stickler for obeying orders, and strongly objects to this suggestion – reminding Smith that under UN rules, two Senior Civil Servants must be on site at all times.

Smith wants to get out of the rain, so a furious argument breaks out between the two, and Smith suggests telephoning the Spaniard for his views.

So it went something like:

Ringo rings Erozzes, Her Bockenfeldt opposes, Atishoo, Atishoo, they all fall out.

Groan -- Ok shoot me. :joker::joker::joker:

[kirklancaster]

Ninastar, Kazanne and Kizzy were all in a plane crash and managed to swim to a nearby island. After a few weeks they realised there was little food, little fresh water and **** all to do. One day Kazanne was out walking when she tripped over a lamp. Excited she brought it back to the others where Ninastar erotically rubbed the lamp and out popped a genie.

"Behold" he said. "I am the genie of the truth and I have come to...oh my God you are all women" he grumbled. "Well I was going to offer you all the wishes in the world but because you are all split arses you can all have just one wish each"

The girls all looked at themselves with glee.

"Me first then" cried Kizzy.

"Step right up" said the truth genie. "What would you like? A new kitchen for you to work in maybe?"

"No" snapped Kizzy. "I want to go home, I want to be around my friends and family, hug them and tell them I love them."

"Very well" said the genie and **** she was gone.

"Well I guess I'm next then" said Ninastar "I want to go home. I miss my cat and I miss my dog, i want to be home so I can give them all a hug and tell them I love them."

"Very well" said the genie and **** she was gone.

The genie turned to Kazanne, who was looking pretty sheepish.

"Now you" he said.

Kazanne took a long look at the emptiness around her before she mumbled "gee, I'm kinda lonely around here now, I wish my friends were back"

:joker::joker::joker: It's funny, but I don't believe a word, because Kazzane would have thought "screw Ninastar and Kizzy" and wished for Gerard Butler:joker:

[kirklancaster]

A Comanche Indian brave goes into see the tribes Medicine Man and tells him he’s ill. The Medicine Man cuts a thin strip off a drying elk hide and tells him to eat a piece of it every 4 hours until he’s eaten it all. “This” he tells him will cure his illness.

The next day the brave returns to the Medicine Man and tells him:


"The thong has ended but the malady lingers on"

BOOM BOOM....Groan....Tibb members draw weapons start looking for Kirk.

[Mystic Mock]

:joker: there's some great jokes in here guys.

1. What time did the Chicken tell me it was? 12 O'cluck.

2. What do all Peter's do? Pipe up.

3. What's the one thing that bugs Simon Cowell about SCD? They like to Waltz about too much.

4. Who do you think of when it's oh so quiet? Me personally always think of Bijork.

[Mystic Mock]

:joker: there's some great jokes in here guys.

1. What time did the Chicken tell me it was? 12 O'cluck.

2. What do all Peter's do? Pipe up.

3. What's the one thing that bugs Simon Cowell about SCD? They like to Waltz about too much.

4. Who do you think of when it's oh so quiet? Me personally always think of Bijork.

[Marsh.]

:umm2:

[Liam-]

:amazed: I've got one!!!

How do you kill a circus??
Go for the juggler!!!

omg :laugh2:

[kirklancaster]

A man runs into a pub, all agitated and sweaty, and he says to the barman; "How tall are penguins?

The barman says: "About 2 to 3 feet, I think".

The man says; "Fek me I've just run over a Muslim woman."
..................................................

A white horse walks into a pub and says to the barman: " Pint a lager mate".

The barman says: " Fek me a talking horse. Do you know we've got a whisky named after you?"

And the horse says: "What, Eric?"

.................................................. .................................................. ..................

What do you call an impotent Asian boxer? -- Aamir Khant.

...............................................

What goes -- '99 plonk. 99 plonk.' ---- A centipede with a wooden leg.

.................................................. ................................

[kirklancaster]

Kyle, Leathertrumpet and Marsh go spying in Syria for the Military and are caught and taken prisoner by ISIS.

The terrorist boss says "We normally behead twats like you but I'm a big fan of TIBB so I'm going to have you flogged, then I'm going to release you.

That afternoon, all 3 are stripped to the waist and tied to 3 posts with their backs to a huge Muslim holding a vicious looking cat o nine tails whip.

The Muslim goes up to Marsh and says; "The boss says you've got a choice of what you want on your back before I flog you.

Marsh says: "Thanks. Can I have some Savlon please?" So the Muslim rubs loads of Savlon into Marsh's back then flogs him until his back's raw and he passes out.

The Muslim moves to Kyle: "What do you want on your back?"

Kyle says: "Feck off. I'm English. I don't need feck all on my back. Do your worst."

The Muslim flogs Kyle's back until it bleeds but Kyle just sneers at him. Eventually the Muslim gives up, moves to Leathertrumpet, and says: "What do you want on your back".

Leathertrumpet says: "Kyle".

.................................................. ..............................................

[Mystic Mock]

1. Guess what my Mom told me today because I headed East to the shops? She told me that I was going with the Fleur.

2. Are you gay? Yes I am. How come you look so miserable then? That's because I'm around you Pharrell Williams.

3. What does the Nintendo Wii need? U.

4. What does Gammon do for you? It puts it's life at Steak.

[Mystic Mock]

1. Guess what my Mom told me today because I headed East to the shops? She told me that I was going with the Fleur.

2. Are you gay? Yes I am. How come you look so miserable then? That's because I'm around you Pharrell Williams.

3. What does the Nintendo Wii need? U.

4. What does Gammon do for you? It puts it's life at Steak.

[kirklancaster]

1. Guess what my Mom told me today because I headed East to the shops? She told me that I was going with the Fleur.

2. Are you gay? Yes I am. How come you look so miserable then? That's because I'm around you Pharrell Williams.

3. What does the Nintendo Wii need? U.

4. What does Gammon do for you? It puts it's life at Steak.

:joker::joker::joker: You're winning the 'Most Awful Jokes' title hands down so far Mock. :hehe:

[Mystic Mock]

:joker::joker::joker: You're winning the 'Most Awful Jokes' title hands down so far Mock. :hehe:

Thanks Kirk, I do feel that we're all putting in a great effort though.

1. What does Kirklancaster tell Lauren to do with her hair? Platt it.

2. What dating show would my Brother like to go on? The Ex Factor.

3. What do you say to a butcher when you're going out with his Daughter? Nice to meat you.

4. What's the common saying when Fishers catch Fish? The Fish fell for it hook, line, and sinker.

5. How do you feel about Luke? I don't know, but I feel a force within him.

[Marsh.]

Kyle, Leathertrumpet and Marsh go spying in Syria for the Military and are caught and taken prisoner by ISIS.

The terrorist boss says "We normally behead twats like you but I'm a big fan of TIBB so I'm going to have you flogged, then I'm going to release you.

That afternoon, all 3 are stripped to the waist and tied to 3 posts with their backs to a huge Muslim holding a vicious looking cat o nine tails whip.

The Muslim goes up to Marsh and says; "The boss says you've got a choice of what you want on your back before I flog you.

Marsh says: "Thanks. Can I have some Savlon please?" So the Muslim rubs loads of Savlon into Marsh's back then flogs him until his back's raw and he passes out.

The Muslim moves to Kyle: "What do you want on your back?"

Kyle says: "Feck off. I'm English. I don't need feck all on my back. Do your worst."

The Muslim flogs Kyle's back until it bleeds but Kyle just sneers at him. Eventually the Muslim gives up, moves to Leathertrumpet, and says: "What do you want on your back".

Leathertrumpet says: "Kyle".

.................................................. ..............................................

:joker:

[Fetch The Bolt Cutters]

http://i.dailymail.co.uk/i/pix/2010/11/22/article-1332140-0C2D4F67000005DC-173_468x286.jpg

[Mystic Mock]

What do people say about your penis? That it should be kept private.

[Fetch The Bolt Cutters]

what :umm2:

[kirklancaster]

Slag Jokes.

What's the difference between Katie Hopkins and Mount Everest?

They know how many men's been up Mt Everest.
.........................

What's the difference between Katie Hopkins and The M1 Motorway?

One knackers your tyres and the other tires your knackers.
.................................

What's the difference between Katie Hopkins and A Cadbury's Creme Egg?

It costs more to lick a Cadbury's Creme Egg out.
................................

What's the difference between Katie Hopkins and a Kit Kat?

You only get 4 fingers in a Kit Kat.

.................................................. ............

What's the difference between Katie Hopkins and A Bucket of Shet?

The bucket.
...............................................

[kirklancaster]

Gay Jokes

What do you call 2 Scottish gays?

Ben Doon and Phil McCavity.
.................................................. .

What do you call 2 Irish gays?

Michael Fitzpatricks and Patrick Fitzmichaels.

.................................................. ......................

What do you call 2 deaf gays?

Anything you want they can't hear you.
.................................................. .........

Two screaming 'Queens' meet on the street.

LuLu says: "Oooh FiFi I haven't seen you in ages. You look brown."

FiFi says: "I know. I've been on a safari holiday to Kenya."

Lulu says: "Ooh you lucky bitch. How did it go".

Fifi says: "How did it go? Don't ask me. The very last day I went for a walk on the edge of the jungle and a 20 stone gorilla jumped on me. He ripped my hotpants off, mounted me and had his wicked way with me for 6 hours."

LuLu says: "Oooh. Was you hurt?"

Fifi says: "Hurt? It's been 3 weeks. He hasn't written, he hasn't phoned."

................................................

[Mystic Mock]

:joker:

1. What do people say about Baltimore? That crime is always on The Wire.

2. What rhymes with cooking? ****ing.

3. Do you know what my problem with golden brown is? It reminds me of The Stranglers.

[kirklancaster]

http://i.dailymail.co.uk/i/pix/2010/11/22/article-1332140-0C2D4F67000005DC-173_468x286.jpg

This may just turn out to be the funniest gag on this thread Scott. :joker:

[Kizzy]

kirk lancaster and LT were sitting on a beach, kirk says 'It's nice out isn't it?'
LT says ' It is... I think I'll get mine out'

[kirklancaster]

kirk lancaster and LT were sitting on a beach, kirk says 'It's nice out isn't it?'
LT says ' It is... I think I'll get mine out'

:joker::joker::joker:

A coconut and goldfish for guessing correctly whose was the biggest. :blush:

[kirklancaster]

:joker:

1. What do people say about Baltimore? That crime is always on The Wire.

2. What rhymes with cooking? ****ing.

3. Do you know what my problem with golden brown is? It reminds me of The Stranglers.

:joker: They're getting more awful Mock but we need more - don't let this thread die.

Why do dogs lick their own balls?

Because they can.
...................................

Why did the chicken cross the road?

To get to the other side.

Why did the pervert cross the road?

He couldn't get his dick out of the chicken.

[Crimson Dynamo]

knock knock

[kirklancaster]

knock knock

Who's there?

[Crimson Dynamo]

Who's there?

ivdunup

[kirklancaster]

ivdunup

Ivdunup who?

[Fetch The Bolt Cutters]

wtf :umm2:

[Crimson Dynamo]

wtf :umm2:

:nono:

kirk had a wee accident

[Liam-]

Just when i thought these jokes couldn't get anymore crap :fan:

[Daniel.]

I have a poor gag reflex :(

[Niamh.]

Please don't post **** (pardon the pun) like that, it's disgusting :nono:

[Crimson Dynamo]

Ivdunup who?

say it quickly :joker:

[Josy]

FFS that's primary 1 level LT :bored:

[Crimson Dynamo]

FFS that's primary 1 level LT :bored:

yeah coz the thread is filled with Bafa winning stuff...



:idc:

[kirklancaster]

Just when i thought these jokes couldn't get anymore crap :fan:

Hey my bonny son - I hope you don't think your old dad's jokes are crap?

[kirklancaster]

say it quickly :joker:

BOOM. BOOM. You've just nicked Mock's award. :joker:

[Crimson Dynamo]

The ugly invisible man married an ugly invisible lady




the kids were nothing to look at either

[Liam-]

Hey my bonny son - I hope you don't think your old dad's jokes are crap?

Your jokes have managed to save this thread from the disaster it was inevitably heading towards being, you should be proud :hehe:

[kirklancaster]

Your jokes have managed to save this thread from the disaster it was inevitab:hehe:ly heading towards being, you should be proud

This is why I love you son. :hehe:

[Fetch The Bolt Cutters]

Two screaming 'Queens' meet on the street.

LuLu says: "Oooh FiFi I haven't seen you in ages. You look brown."

FiFi says: "I know. I've been on a safari holiday to Kenya."

Lulu says: "Ooh you lucky bitch. How did it go".

Fifi says: "How did it go? Don't ask me. The very last day I went for a walk on the edge of the jungle and a 20 stone gorilla jumped on me. He ripped my hotpants off, mounted me and had his wicked way with me for 6 hours."

LuLu says: "Oooh. Was you hurt?"

Fifi says: "Hurt? It's been 3 weeks. He hasn't written, he hasn't phoned."

https://31.media.tumblr.com/dbc844f8912e34771c9566c1844cf45d/tumblr_inline_nfmjprHZpp1sdcm15.gif

[kirklancaster]

Essex Schoolteacher looks down the aisle between the desks and sees schoolgirl Chantel squatting above a pool of pee.

"Chantel!" Teacher screams.

Chantel says: "I couldn't help it miss. I was proper bursting"

Teacher asks: "Why didn't you put your hand up?"

Chantel says: "I did Miss, but it trickled through my fingers."

[Jake.]

Two screaming 'Queens' meet on the street.

LuLu says: "Oooh FiFi I haven't seen you in ages. You look brown."

FiFi says: "I know. I've been on a safari holiday to Kenya."

Lulu says: "Ooh you lucky bitch. How did it go".

Fifi says: "How did it go? Don't ask me. The very last day I went for a walk on the edge of the jungle and a 20 stone gorilla jumped on me. He ripped my hotpants off, mounted me and had his wicked way with me for 6 hours."

LuLu says: "Oooh. Was you hurt?"

Fifi says: "Hurt? It's been 3 weeks. He hasn't written, he hasn't phoned."

https://31.media.tumblr.com/dbc844f8912e34771c9566c1844cf45d/tumblr_inline_nfmjprHZpp1sdcm15.gif

**** SAKE :joker:

[kirklancaster]

A priest is walking back to his church carrying a bottle of Holy Water, when he spots little Billy carrying a carboy of Acid. Alarmed the priest tries to get Billy to give the acid to him. Billy refuses, so the priest says: "Look. I'll swap you this Holy Water for it Billy."

Billy says: "No chance. What good is that?"

The priest says: "It's magical Billy. If I put this on a pregnant lady's belly she will pass a baby."

Billy says: "If I put this on a dog's bollocks it'll pass a motorbike."

[Marsh.]

Essex Schoolteacher looks down the aisle between the desks and sees schoolgirl Chantel squatting above a pool of pee.

"Chantel!" Teacher screams.

Chantel says: "I couldn't help it miss. I was proper bursting"

Teacher asks: "Why didn't you put your hand up?"

Chantel says: "I did Miss, but it trickled through my fingers."

:joker:

[Crimson Dynamo]

Essex Schoolteacher looks down the aisle between the desks and sees schoolgirl Chantel squatting above a pool of pee.

"Chantel!" Teacher screams.

Chantel says: "I couldn't help it miss. I was proper bursting"

Teacher asks: "Why didn't you put your hand up?"

Chantel says: "I did Miss, but it trickled through my fingers."

:hehe:

Disgusting

[kirklancaster]

:hehe:

Disgusting

:blush:

[Liam-]

Essex Schoolteacher looks down the aisle between the desks and sees schoolgirl Chantel squatting above a pool of pee.

"Chantel!" Teacher screams.

Chantel says: "I couldn't help it miss. I was proper bursting"

Teacher asks: "Why didn't you put your hand up?"

Chantel says: "I did Miss, but it trickled through my fingers."

:laugh2:

[kirklancaster]

Did you watch the 3.30 race at Sandown - 'The Pervert Jockey's Stakes?

The entire field got disqualified for interfering with one another in the last furlong.
................................

Did you see the 4.00 race at Sandown -- 'The Christmas Party Stakes'?

Poor old Luke Morris. He was 10 lengths clear of the field entering the last furlong when a Christmas Pudding hit him in the face. A few seconds later, a Pork Pie hit him, then a 6 Pack of Mince Pies. Half a furlong out a Bottle of Sherry and a Christmas Cake hit him, and he began to drop back. A few seconds later a Full Turkey hit him and a Box of Christmas Crackers, and his horse slowed to a virtual standstill, and three other horses sailed past him.

In the unsaddling enclosure the furious trainer ran up to Luke and said: "You were 10 fecking lengths clear a furlong out and you fecking lose? What happened?

Luke says:"I got hampered".

Boom Boom. This thread must not die.

[Marsh.]

http://i.imgur.com/8KAD4SF.gif

[Fetch The Bolt Cutters]

why did niamh cross the road

she is old lol xx

[Josy]

why did niamh cross the road

she is old lol xx

Abandon thread

[kirklancaster]

A true story. (or maybe not :D)

Ronnie is a patient in a Lunatic Asylum. He's been committed because he suffers from an obsession with hand held catapults. He's been arrested dozens of times for breaking into toy shops and stealing them, and for firing dried peas from them at passers by among other things. The Courts finally lost patience and committed him 10 years ago.

It's Ronnie's annual Assessment Hearing where he is interviewed to see if he is now fit to be released into general society, and Ronnie sits in front of the panel.

The Chairman says: "Ronnie, if we let you out tomorrow, what would you do?"

Ronnie relpies: "Ooh. I'd go straight out and buy meself a catapult."

Needless to say, Ronnie fails to be released.

A year later Ronnie gives the board the same answer and fails again.

This goes on for five more years and the morning of his next hearing, the Asylum Padre visits Ronnie in his cell to advise him.

"Ronnie" the padre says" You're never going to be released if you keep ranting on about catapults. You've got to wise up. Tell them you want to do normal things".

"Like what?" asks Ronnie.

"Like meeting a girl, getting married. Raising a family - that sort of thing".

The padre coaches Ronnie for a full 2 hours then it's time for his assessment. Ronnie sits in front of the panel. The Chairman asks him: "Ronnie, if we let you out tomorrow, what's the first thing you'd do?"

"Oh" Ronnie answers. " I'd go buy a new suit and go out to a disco or something - you know, and meet a girl hopefully".

The Board look at each other in surprise. "Go on Ronnie. If you did meet a girl, then what would you do?"

Ronnie says: "I'd kiss her. Then I'd take her down lover's Lane."

"Yes, then what?" said the Chairman.

Ronnie goes on: "Well... I'd lay her down on the grass"

"Go on." Says the Chairman.

"Well" Says Ronnie. "Then I'd take her skirt off."

"Yes" Says the Chairman.

Ronnie goes on: "Then... I'd take her knickers off"

"Then what would you do?" Asks the Chairman.

Ronnie says: "Then... Then... Then I'd take the elastic out of them and make a catapult."
......................................:blush:

TAXI!

[kirklancaster]

Abandon thread

:joker: Funniest thing on here so far. :hehe:

[Mystic Mock]

1. What do people say about Footballer Kieron for Arsenal? He needs to Gibb them some more.

2. Which band came up with a song about yellow wee? Coldplay.

3. What does Ben struggle to pronounce? Haenow.

4. What's similar about Lunar and an ass? They're both Moons.

[kirklancaster]

1. What do people say about Footballer Kieron for Arsenal? He needs to Gibb them some more.

2. Which band came up with a song about yellow wee? Coldplay.

3. What does Ben struggle to pronounce? Haenow.

4. What's similar about Lunar and an ass? They're both Moons.

:joker:

Keep 'em coming Mock

[Marsh.]

The one thing that you've got to say about Amazon is that they always deliver.

.

[Marsh.]

A true story. (or maybe not :D)

Ronnie is a patient in a Lunatic Asylum. He's been committed because he suffers from an obsession with hand held catapults. He's been arrested dozens of times for breaking into toy shops and stealing them, and for firing dried peas from them at passers by among other things. The Courts finally lost patience and committed him 10 years ago.

It's Ronnie's annual Assessment Hearing where he is interviewed to see if he is now fit to be released into general society, and Ronnie sits in front of the panel.

The Chairman says: "Ronnie, if we let you out tomorrow, what would you do?"

Ronnie relpies: "Ooh. I'd go straight out and buy meself a catapult."

Needless to say, Ronnie fails to be released.

A year later Ronnie gives the board the same answer and fails again.

This goes on for five more years and the morning of his next hearing, the Asylum Padre visits Ronnie in his cell to advise him.

"Ronnie" the padre says" You're never going to be released if you keep ranting on about catapults. You've got to wise up. Tell them you want to do normal things".

"Like what?" asks Ronnie.

"Like meeting a girl, getting married. Raising a family - that sort of thing".

The padre coaches Ronnie for a full 2 hours then it's time for his assessment. Ronnie sits in front of the panel. The Chairman asks him: "Ronnie, if we let you out tomorrow, what's the first thing you'd do?"

"Oh" Ronnie answers. " I'd go buy a new suit and go out to a disco or something - you know, and meet a girl hopefully".

The Board look at each other in surprise. "Go on Ronnie. If you did meet a girl, then what would you do?"

Ronnie says: "I'd kiss her. Then I'd take her down lover's Lane."

"Yes, then what?" said the Chairman.

Ronnie goes on: "Well... I'd lay her down on the grass"

"Go on." Says the Chairman.

"Well" Says Ronnie. "Then I'd take her skirt off."

"Yes" Says the Chairman.

Ronnie goes on: "Then... I'd take her knickers off"

"Then what would you do?" Asks the Chairman.

Ronnie says: "Then... Then... Then I'd take the elastic out of them and make a catapult."
......................................:blush:

TAXI!

:joker:

[kirklancaster]

Pondering Life's Great Mysteries:

Q. If a crab has 2 little nippers, can it claim Family Credit?

Q. If a lady lawyer drops her briefs in court, is she soliciting?

Q. Essex --- Why?

.................................................. :hehe:

[kirklancaster]

Some fascinating one-liners:

"Get down off the AGA Grandma - yer too old to ride the range."

"I knew she was a fishmonger's daughter, when she laid on the slab and said fillet'

'''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''' '''''''''''

An Essex copper is doing his nightly rounds, when he finds an attractive blond girl leaning against a wall in a gloomy back alley. She has her eyes closed, is eating fish and chips and her skirt and knickers are down around her ankles.

The cop nudges her and asks her what she's doing.

She says: "Oh, has he gone?."

.................................:tongue:

[kirklancaster]

It's late Saturday night and the Chinese Takeaway is crowded. Suddenly it's plunged into darkness as the electricity fails. All the drunken customers start moaning, then the little Chinaman behind the counter says: "No need wowwy. All please raise arms into air". All the drunks put their hands up and the lights come back on.

"Feck me" Said a drunk. "How did yer do that?".

"Old Chinese ploverb" Says the Chinaman "Many Hands Make Light Work". :blush:

.................................................. ...

[kirklancaster]

A postman delivers a parcel to old time cowboy Roy Rogers at his ranch house home. Roy sits on his veranda and eagerly opens the parcel. It's a very expensive pair of Cowboy Boots sent by a fan.

Roy is delighted and puts the boots on a bench while he rushes in to tell his wife, but while he's gone, a mountain lion creeps onto the veranda and starts ripping the boots to hell.

Roy comes back out of the house with his wife, sees the lion and grabs his rifle. He takes a shot at the lion but it runs off. Poor old Roy is devastated - his new cowboy boots are chewed to bits. He shakes his head and rings the local cops.

An hour later Roy is on the veranda telling the local Sheriff about the incident, when the Sheriffs deputy sees a lion in the distance.

The deputy interrupts Roy and says:

"Pardon Me Roy, Is That The Cat That Chewed Yer New Shoes".

................................Anyone under 100 years old will not 'get' the above awful joke so could LT explain it to them?..........................:hehe:

[kirklancaster]

why did niamh cross the road

she is old lol xx

The more I look at this, the more I laugh - because it is so awful it's funny. :joker:

[Mystic Mock]

What did people say about Jessie J when she shaved her hair off for Charity? That she has no hairs and graces about her.

[kirklancaster]

What did people say about Jessie J when she shaved her hair off for Charity? That she has no hairs and graces about her.

:hehe:

I've got an idea Mock - Why don't we just use this thread to tell each other jokes? Or we can let it die. No -- damn it, I'll tell some real awful ones:

Why did the Moth ball?

'Cos it saw the Cricket Bat.
..................................................

What do you call a Donkey with a missing leg?

A Wonkey.

.................................................. ...........

Keep 'em coming Mock, between us we could keep this going until Christmas - even longer if Scott posts some more. :hehe:

[Mystic Mock]

Lol too true Kirklancaster, this thread might haunt peoples dreams mwahaha.:devil:

1. What do people say about Charlie Landers? That his constantly stoned in Aaron's.

2. What's wrong with the Film Avatar? It feels like it's constantly in a Paradox.

3. What did Arnold Schwartzniger say to the hot lady that turned him down? I'll be back.

4. Who keeps playing Rugby? Fernando Torres.

5. Who else keeps playing Rugby? Blackpool FC.

6. Who's thicker than Patrick Starr from Spongebob Squarepants? No one.

7. What's up with George W? His hiding in a Bush.

[kirklancaster]

Lol too true Kirklancaster, this thread might haunt peoples dreams mwahaha.:devil:

1. What do people say about Charlie Landers? That his constantly stoned in Aaron's.

2. What's wrong with the Film Avatar? It feels like it's constantly in a Paradox.

3. What did Arnold Schwartzniger say to the hot lady that turned him down? I'll be back.

4. Who keeps playing Rugby? Fernando Torres.

5. Who else keeps playing Rugby? Blackpool FC.

6. Who's thicker than Patrick Starr from Spongebob Squarepants? No one.

7. What's up with George W? His hiding in a Bush.

:joker: This bit's actually less awful than our jokes. LOL

[kirklancaster]

Ridley Scot is casting for a multi-million dollar blockbuster film called 'The Great Composers'. Arnold Schwarzenegger, Silvester Stallone, and Robert De Niro are discussing roles.

Stallone says: "I'll be Beethooven.

De Niro says: "I'll be Mozart.

Arnie says: "I'll be Bach"

Boom. Boom. :dance::dance::dance:

[kirklancaster]

Why did John Major push his cock into a bowl of ice?

'Cos he'd had it in Currie for 4 years.

:joker:

[Mystic Mock]

What do people say about Rogan? That he likes to Josh about.

[LukeB]

Why did the chicken cross the road? Too get to the otherside

[Jords]

oh wow loool

[Mystic Mock]

Why did the chicken gross the road? Too get to the otherside

:joker:

[kirklancaster]

Pig and a chicken went on a railway track
To stretch their little legs
An electric train came down the line
Woo! Woo! Bacon and Eggs.

[Crimson Dynamo]

a naked man jogged past 2 nuns

One had a stroke but the other was too slow

[Jake.]

a naked man jogged past 2 nuns

One had a stroke but the other was too slow

:joker:

[Kyle]

How do you get Tom to do what you want?

Tell him it's an initiation ritual


Sorry Tom, you're a good kid really.

[Jake.]

ffs :laugh2:

[kirklancaster]

How do you get Tom to do what you want?

Tell him it's an initiation ritual


Sorry Tom, you're a good kid really.

:joker:

[kirklancaster]

a naked man jogged past 2 nuns

One had a stroke but the other was too slow

:joker:

[Mystic Mock]

1. What's round and is a pair to half the world? Boobs.

2. Who was your first kiss? My first kiss was from a Rose.

3. Who herd it coming? Sheep.

4. What happens when someone is at the back end of a Car? They've got the boot.

[kirklancaster]

Sherlock Holmes and Doctor Watson are locked out of 221B Baker Street, and Watson says: "Hmmf - I'll go fetch a locksmith, I suppose, what?
Holmes says: " Not necessary Watson" and pulls out a lemon from his pocket, pushes it against the keyhole, and the door swings open.
"Good grief Holmes" Says Watson "How on Earth did you do that?"
Holmes says: "Lemon Entry my dear Watson".

:hehe:

[Liam-]

How do you get Tom to do what you want?

Tell him it's an initiation ritual


Sorry Tom, you're a good kid really.

Oh my god