Tell us a joke

[LucyPinder'sLover]

How about a thread for jokes, where we can post lots of jokes.
Because jokes are awesome and make us happy.

My mother-in-law wore some inflatable Dutch footwear but trod on some broken glass..

She popped her clogs



Why is sneezing like wanking? It ends in a-tiss-ue.



Where did Bin Laden keep his CDs?


In Iraq

[Mystic Mock]

Why can't I tell a joke? Because on both my hands I'm holding Coke.

[Jamie89]

Why did the baker have smelly hands?

Because he kneaded a poo

[kirklancaster]

Why did the Cricket bat? Because it saw the Moth ball.

[Crimson Dynamo]

Q: What's long and hard and has cum in it?












a cucumber

[hijaxers]

Did you hear about the homosexual sparrow

Flew upside down for a lark !

[jennyjuniper]

Two hats on a hat rack. One says to the other 'You stay here, I'll just go on ahead.

[RichardG]

Q: What's long and hard and has cum in it?












a cucumber


omg :worry:

[LucyPinder'sLover]

A lion wouldnt cheat on his wife, but a Tiger Wood.

[LucyPinder'sLover]

Why can't Barbie get pregnant?








Because Ken comes in a different box.

[Alf]

A Scotsman and his wife, walk past a swanky restaurant.

"Did you smell that food?" she asked "It smells absolutely incredible!"

Being a kind hearted Scotsman, he thought, "what the Hell, I'll treat her"

So they walked past it again!

[Alf]

An Irish man shouts frantically into the phone.

"My wife is pregnant, and the contractions are only two minutes apart!"

"Is this her first child" asks the Doctor.

"No!" shouts the Irishman "This is her husband!"

[Mystic Mock]

A girl goes out on a date with an Irish man named Kieran O'Driscoll, they enjoyed their time together on their dates so much that they decided to meet each others parents. When it got around to the girl meeting Kieran's parents she was surprised at how big his family appeared to be, there was 10 Brothers and 5 Sisters, 6 Cousins. The Brothers are called Seamus, Shaun, Patrick, Niall, Liam, Darragh, Patrick, Aedan, Bierre, and Connor. The Sisters are called Barbara, Patricia, Aghadreena, Aghamora, and Ailin. The Cousins surnames are O'Hara, O'Paul, O'Donnahue, O'Kebab, O'Riley, and O'Shush. When the girl asked how many people are actually in the family, the Dad replied with "there are thirty tree of us." And the girl was confused so the Dad repeated himself again, and the girl still looked confused, the Dad called her "cyushe." "And the girl took such offense at thinking that she'd been called a douche that she moved back to her hometown in Wales called Bridgend and bought herself a Sheep.

The end.

[Mystic Mock]

That joke btw took alot longer than it should've thanks to my stupid Broadband provider.:fist:

[Marsh.]

Why can't I tell a joke? Because on both my hands I'm holding Coke.

A girl goes out on a date with an Irish man named Kieran O'Driscoll, they enjoyed their time together on their dates so much that they decided to meet each others parents. When it got around to the girl meeting Kieran's parents she was surprised at how big his family appeared to be, there was 10 Brothers and 5 Sisters, 6 Cousins. The Brothers are called Seamus, Shaun, Patrick, Niall, Liam, Darragh, Patrick, Aedan, Bierre, and Connor. The Sisters are called Barbara, Patricia, Aghadreena, Aghamora, and Ailin. The Cousins surnames are O'Hara, O'Paul, O'Donnahue, O'Kebab, O'Riley, and O'Shush. When the girl asked how many people are actually in the family, the Dad replied with "there are thirty tree of us." And the girl was confused so the Dad repeated himself again, and the girl still looked confused, the Dad called her "cyushe." "And the girl took such offense at thinking that she'd been called a douche that she moved back to her hometown in Wales called Bridgend and bought herself a Sheep.

The end.

https://media.giphy.com/media/10JPOmpppiIotW/giphy.gif

[Babayaro.]

Why can't I tell a joke? Because on both my hands I'm holding Coke.

?

[Withano]

Torys manifesto

[Mystic Mock]

?

I don't even remember writing that one.:joker:

[Babayaro.]

Ironically, it's the funniest thing in the thread

[Will.]

im gay

[Mystic Mock]

Torys manifesto

:joker:

[Alf]

Just met a dog that only responds to commands in Spanish

He's Espanyol

[Mystic Mock]

Why does nobody like BB's Tom? It's because he gets the Raph end of the stick.

[Alf]

Accordian to scientific studies, 95% of people do not realise that I replaced the beginning of this joke with a musical instrument.

[Alf]

Police are looking for mugger who threatens his victims with a lit match

They need to catch him before he strikes again

[Mystic Mock]

Accordian to scientific studies, 95% of people do not realise that I replaced the beginning of this joke with a musical instrument.

:joker:

[Alf]

What do Theresa May and Wayne Rooney have in common?


They both want to shaft your nan

[Alf]

I got really emotional today at the petrol station

I don't know why, I just started filling up

[Mystic Mock]

Alf you're on fire tonight.:joker:

[Alf]

Alf you're on fire tonight.:joker:If I'm on fire, you better hurry up and get the marshmallows.

[Alf]

Statistically 120% of people over exaggerate.

[Alf]

I'm fed up with my mates. 3 times now they've agreed to go to a Whitesnake gig with me and then cancelled.


Here I go again on my own

[Alf]

I hate Christmas, whoever invented it wants nailing to a cross.

[Alf]

Conjunctivitis.com

Now there's a site for sore eyes

[Alf]

Wind Turbines


I'm a huge fan

[Alf]

I saw the Worlds largest egg earlier.

I thought, that'll take some beating!

[Epic.]

Have one I came up with myself.

What did the butcher say to the cow?

"Your life is at steak"

[Alf]

There's a Polish bloke next door. Every night he stands at the top of our street singing "I want to know what love is"


Bloody Foreigner!

[Alf]

What I if told you...

That you read the first line incorrectly?

[Alf]

Just heard that Beyoncé has discovered that Roy Castle was her real father.

Can't see her taking his surname somehow.

[Alf]

For my next trick, I prepare to eat a percussion instrument in a sandwich.


Drum roll please

[Alf]

I just had a game of darts with a zombie and an alien.


One undead and E.T

[JerseyWins]

For my next trick, I prepare to eat a percussion instrument in a sandwich.


Drum roll please
http://cdn.thisisbigbrother.com/customavatars/avatar14866_26.gif

[Alf]

I answered the door this morning, and a 6ft beetle punched me in the face and called me a tw@.


Apparently there's a nasty bug going round!

[Alf]

I went to bed with a blind girl last night. And she said I had the biggest knob she'd ever laid her hands on.


I said "You're pulling my leg"

[Alf]

I was arguing with my girlfriend in Nandos, when my best friend ran off with the garlic bread and coleslaw.


I wish he'd stop taking sides

[Alf]

My wife said she's leaving me because I've put CCTV all around the house.

To be honest, I can see where she's coming from.

[Alf]

I got a new job doing shift work, making chess sets.

I'm on knights next week

[Alf]

my wife has left me because of my obsession with cricket.

It's really hit me for six

[Alf]

I've just been to the park to feed the Bananas


https://pbs.twimg.com/media/DDasTjXXkAI4FyL.jpg

[smudgie]

Brilliant thread.
My first good giggle all week. Much needed.

[Alf]

What do you call a big pile of cats?

A Meowntain

[Alf]

My boss announced he's gonna fire the employee with the worst posture.


I have a hunch it might be me.

[Alf]

I've started a new job as a church bell ringer


It's my first day so they're just showing me the ropes!

[Alf]

I went for a job as a forklift driver, the guy said how much experience do you have?


I said none, but I'm sure I'll pick it up quickly

[Alf]

My wife said she's leaving me because of my obsession with cats


She's kicking meeeowt

[Alf]

Apparently Jonathan Ross only goes to rugby matches to play pranks on people


He loves Twickenham

[Alf]

The doctor has diagnosed me with 70s fever


It flares up now and then

[Alf]

I've been teaching Hobbits how to play cricket


Bilbo is good at catching, but he can't really Frodo

[Alf]

If you're here for the yodelling lesson


Please form an orderly, orderly, orderly queue

[Alf]

If you see someone doing a crossword


Lean over and say 7 up is lemonade

[Alf]

https://scontent-lht6-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/19437252_1586680808022370_4214351755374589861_n.pn g?oh=b050420f1b238405b3edd3427b9b6e08&oe=59D1A5F8

[Alf]

How do Mexicans stay warm?


They use chickens for heaters

[Alf]

If you are dating a dominatrix, never suggest it's time to hit the sack.

[Alf]

What do you call a man with cat scratches all over his head?


Claude

[Nicky91]

how long is a chinese


I don't know, that's his name

[Crimson Dynamo]

One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. “Oh, no,” I said, “Disneyland burned down.” He cried and cried, but I think that deep down he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late.

[Alf]

I couldn't sleep last night, so I went to the beach with my dinghy.


I soon drifted off

[Alf]

I found a job helping a one armed typist do capital letters


It's only shift work

[Alf]

A man dressed as an egg has tried to gain entry into Wimbledon today.

He was quickly whisked away by security and beaten.

[Alf]

What do you call a dog that does magic tricks?


A Labracadabrador

[Alf]

I just had an argument with a mascot in McDonalds.


What a clown

[Alf]

I once made a belt out of ten pound notes.


Turns out it was just a waist of money

[Alf]

What do you call a man with no shins?


Tony

[Alf]

My sister asked me if I'd like to wind her new born baby boy.


I thought, that's a bit harsh, so I just give him a dead leg instead.

[Alf]

I tried to sign up to a website the other day

I put my password in as 'Beef Stew' but it said password was not stroganoff

[Alf]

I threw a biscuit at my neighbour the other day, but he ducked


Jammy dodger

[Alf]

Even though I'm now bald, I still keep the comb I've had for twenty years


I just can't part with it

[Alf]

My mate just ate a sofa and two arm-chairs


I think he has a suite tooth

[Alf]

I was almost late for my cocaine awareness lecture


Talk about cutting it fine!

[Alf]

My mate hates his surname, Potato


Although not as much as his wife, Jackie

[Ashley.]

:joker: Keep them coming Alf

[Alf]

I've been getting anonymous texts telling me to Shower, comb my hair and brush my teeth.


I think they might be trying to groom me!

[Alf]

I saw a man going up a hill with a trolley full of horse-shoes and rabbits feet


I thought, he's pushing his luck!

[Alf]

I do feel sorry for the people working in Greggs in this weather


They must be baking in there

[Alf]

A lesbian goes to the Doctors for a smear test

Doctor says "That's the cleanest vagina I've ever seen"

She says "Thanks, I have a woman in twice a week"

[Crimson Dynamo]

:laugh2:

[Alf]

I slapped Dwayne Johnsons arse the other day


I guess you could say, I hit Rock bottom

[Alf]

Under NO circumstances, accept a friend request from any of the New Zealand rugby team.



They're Hakas!!

[Alf]

There's a nudist convention in Town on Saturday.


I might go if I've got nothing on.

[Alf]

I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64k 128k 256k 512k and 1MB.


Well that was a trip down memory lane!

[Alf]

I used to have a job collecting leaves.


I was raking it in.

[Alf]

Some Egyptian bloke just pulled up in a car, beeped his horn and bared his naked bottom out of the window.



Bloody toot and car moon!

[Alf]

I heard the bloke who stole my diary, died recently.


My thoughts are with his family

[Kizzy]

Some Egyptian bloke just pulled up in a car, beeped his horn and bared his naked bottom out of the window.



Bloody toot and car moon!

They found another mummy in a pyramid last week, it was encased in chocolate and covered in nuts.

It was pharaoh rocher.

[Livia]

Jeremy Corbyn goes into a bank. "I'd like to cash this cheque please," he said.
"Do you have ID?" asked the teller.
"Well, no" replied Jeremy, "but, I am Jeremy Corbyn!"
The teller says, "We'll still need proof of identity. For instance, last week we had David Beckham in with no ID. He took a football from his bag and kicked it right over the security barrier and into the at the end of the hall. Similarly, we had Andy Murray in with no ID. He took out his tennis racket, hit a ball at the light switch and turned all the lights off."
"Oh,"said Jeremy, "Well, I'm afraid I don't have any special skills or talents."
"That's fine Mr Corbyn," said the teller. "How would you like the money?"

[Alf]

Nice to see some new gagsters in the thread

Here's one for you


I've been diagnosed with a chronic fear of Giants


Doctors have said I've got Feefiphobia

[Nicky91]

i've been diagnosed with a chronic fear of Ghosts

doctors said i've got spookyfobia

[_baileys_]

What is the definition of male foreplay?

You awake?

[Alf]

For Sale!

Limited edition bottle of Tipp-ex


It's a corrector's item.

[Alf]

I just bought a vintage Rolls Royce, but the budget didn't cover a driver


So I spent all that money, and I've got nothing to chauffeur it.

[Alf]

My girlfriend get's annoyed when I mess with her Red wine, so I've added fruit and lemonade to it and now she sangria than ever.

[Alf]

My wife is leaving me because I'm going bald.


I'm not bothered, it's hair loss.

[Alf]

A female weightlifter goes to the doctors and says "I've been taking steroids and now I've grown a cock"

"Anabolic" says the doctor

"No just a cock!"

[Alf]

I swallowed a load of scrabble tiles earlier


My next sh1t could spell trouble

[Alf]

Have you heard about the new 'Elbow' tribute band called 'Arse'?


They're so good, you can't tell them apart.

[Alf]

My wife said she's kicking me out because of my obsession with Only Fools and Horses.


I said, Ok' I'll fetch the suitcase from the van.

[Niamh.]

Did you here about the guy who made up the knock, knock, jokes?

He won the Nobel Prize

[RileyH]

What's brown and sticky?


A stick.

[Niamh.]

Hey that's my joke :fist:

[RileyH]

sorry I just love it too much :worry:

[RileyH]

https://scontent-lht6-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/19437252_1586680808022370_4214351755374589861_n.pn g?oh=b050420f1b238405b3edd3427b9b6e08&oe=59D1A5F8

howling at this :joker:

[Alf]

I was sat next to a fruit machine addict last night at a gamblers anonymous meeting.


It was awful, he kept nudging me!

[Alf]

My wife kept going on and on about what she should use the empty drawer for.


Eventually I told her to put a sock in it.

[Alf]

Apparently David Hasselhoff is changing his name to David Hoff.


He can't be doing with the hassel.

[Alf]

I walked into a busy pub dressed as a tennis ball


I got served straight away

[Livia]

Lovin' these, Alfie.

[Niamh.]

Why did the Mexican have to take Valium?

For Hispanic attacks

[Alf]

Quasimodo walks into bar...

Quasimodo :"Double Whiskey please"
Barman "Bells alright?"
Quasimodo "None of your ****ing business, just get me the drink"

[-Sue-]

What is the definition of male foreplay?
You awake?

[Oliver_W]

Did you hear about the Star Wars jail film?

Cool Han + Luke

[Epic.]

Made this one myself: What did the butcher say to the cow?

Your life is at steak.