ALFs jokes thread

[Kate!]

For Alf :love:

[Alf]

Donald Trump and Mike Pence are on the roof of Trump Tower having a chat. Trump says to Pence, "I want to do something good to put a smile on American's faces" Pence says "You could Jump"

[Dogeatdog]

Tesco to cut 4,500 jobs across 153 stores

I guess 'Every Lidl helps'

[Kate!]

Tesco to cut 4,500 jobs across 153 stores

I guess 'Every Lidl helps'

Boom boom!

[Dogeatdog]

Boom boom!

https://www.beyondthejoke.co.uk/sites/beyondthejoke.co.uk/files/styles/large/public/bp3251597.jpg?itok=j9FNdUAt

[Dogeatdog]

My dentist informed me today that I need a crown.

Finally, someone who understands me.

[Alf]

My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy, so I went and got drunk.

[Alf]

My wife just found out I replaced our bed with a trampoline. She hit the roof

[Alf]

My wife asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn't talking to me.

[Alf]

I know a lot of jokes about unemployed people, but none of them work.

[Dogeatdog]

Eye jokes

The Cornea the better.

[Dogeatdog]

As a child:
'You’re grounded’

As an adult:
'Your package will be delivered between 8 am and 6 pm’

[Kate!]

As a child:
'You’re grounded’

As an adult:
'Your package will be delivered between 8 am and 6 pm’

:joker: soooo true.

[Alf]

I was in the bank the other day when an old woman asked me if I could check her balance. So I pushed her over.

[Vicky.]

As a child:
'You’re grounded’

As an adult:
'Your package will be delivered between 8 am and 6 pm’

:D

[Alf]

I should post the ones I posted in private chat, incase people didn't get to see them.

What did the penis say to the condom?

Cover me, I'm going in

[Alf]

My mother is so fat that when she falls down the stairs, her neighbours think Eastenders is finishing

[Alf]

I used to make jokes about German Sausages, but they were the wurst

[Alf]

I'm sick and tired of WW2 jokes, Anne Frankly they need to stop

[Morgan.]

My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy, so I went and got drunk.

My wife just found out I replaced our bed with a trampoline. She hit the roof

That relationship moved quickly

[Alf]

That relationship moved quicklyThat's what you took from it did you?

[Dogeatdog]

So I burnt my Hawaiian pizza last night

I should’ve put it on aloha setting.

[Ammi]

...why did the first elephant fall out of the tree...?...


...it slipped...

[Ammi]

...why did the second elephant fall out of the tree..?..

..it was glued to the first elephant...

[Ammi]

...why did the third elephant fall out of the tree...?...


...he thought it was a game...

[Ammi]

...why did the tree fall down..?...


..it thought it was an elephant...

[Ammi]

...I laughed...

[The Slim Reaper]

Ammi can you please stay on topic? This is a thread for jokes.

[AnnieK]

:laugh:

I laughed too Ammi.....Matthew will love those jokes.

His favourite joke is "what is brown and sticky"

a brown stick

[AnnieK]

Ammi can you please stay on topic? This is a thread for jokes.

Is that why you are here :hehe:

[The Slim Reaper]

Is that why you are here :hehe:

...and suddenly everyone is a comedian :smug:

[Kate!]

Ah haha. Love the stick joke. Isn't that one of Niamhs favourites too I think.

[Alf]

My Bonnie Tyler voiced Sat nav is rubbish, it keeps telling me to turn around and every now and then it falls apart.

[Alf]

Did you hear about Sophie Ellis Bextor dying at the home of a footballer? Everybody is saying it was murder on Zidane's floor.

[Alf]

What do you call a dog with 2 cocks?

N-Dubz

[Alf]

How come U2 still haven't found what they're looking for?

Because the streets have no names

[Vicky.]

What do you call a dog with 2 cocks?

N-Dubz

:laugh:

[Dogeatdog]

"Hey dad why is my sister called Teresa?"

"Because your mum loves easter and it's an anagram of easter.”

"Thanks Dad!”

"No problem Alan"

[Dogeatdog]

The Chip shop I go to still wrap up meals in newspaper.

Yesterday I got a Plaice in The Sun.

[Alf]

"Hey dad why is my sister called Teresa?"

"Because your mum loves easter and it's an anagram of easter.”

"Thanks Dad!”

"No problem Alan"Very good

[Dogeatdog]

People often say "icy" is the easiest word to spell and looking at it now, I see why.

[Beso]

My m8s granny (called eta) on the father he hated sides, ended up being abused by her 50 yr old son (he was a single child to an extent)..he had been nicknamed tarzan for years and years. He had lived with eta since birth as he was etas own child..


however.......my mates dad was in a family with 13 children so was offoaded with 4 of his brothers to live with eta and tarzan.


Anyway years down the line it came out tarzan who was still living at home, just him and his mum did this....swept under the carpet but that's shame for you..but my mate told me on the same day as that volcano erupted......

So I blurted out, as we were both on acid or exstacy....probably both.....


What's the difference between tarzan and a volcano?

A volcano gets called mount etna, but tarzan just mounts eta.


Took us hours to come down from that one.

[Beso]

I was in a restaurant in Paris and ordered the 'Napoleon Chicken.'

When the dish arrived, I was surprised to find very little meat on it, and it was mainly carcass.

I asked the waiter why, and he said 'We only use the 'Boneypart'

[Beso]

Just saw a dyslexic yorkshireman wearing a cat flap.

[Dogeatdog]

Got asked the time by a Yodel delivery driver earlier.

I told him it was sometime between 8am and 6pm.

[Beso]

Ammi..:blush:

I wish I could be bothered to make my tartan paint punchline joke..but it's way way to long...and late

I enjoyed yours and will go to sleep smiling about it.

[Dogeatdog]

You can't spell advertisements without putting the ‘semen’ between the ‘tits’.

[Beso]

You can't spell advertisements without putting the ‘semen’ between the ‘tits’.

I shall use that on Tony tomorrow morning, first thing...:joker:

[Dogeatdog]

I shall use that on Tony tomorrow morning, first thing...:joker:

:thumbs:

[Dogeatdog]

Never trust an Electrician with fuzzy hair.

[Beso]

:thumbs:

Just made my mate b@@e night. ....he's single and oh my God does he mingle....his 2nd name is seamen.56
and punching..


:dance:.

[Dogeatdog]

The word nun is just the letter n doing a forward roll.

[Bleachy]

) Beer Can

If you say 'beer can' in an English accent, it sounds like 'bacon' in a Jamaican accent.



2) Jam Ear Can Beer Can

Taking it one step further, if you say 'jam ear can beer can' in an English accent, it sounds like 'Jamaican bacon' in a Jamaican accent.



3) Space Ghetto

If you say 'space ghetto' in an American accent, it sounds like 'Spice Girl' in a Scottish accent.




'Boots Cat' sounds like beat-boxing.
4) Boots Cat

If you say 'boots cat' quickly over and over again it sounds like you're beat-boxing.



5) In Detroit

If you say 'in Detroit' in an American accent, it will sound like you're saying, 'Isn't that right?' in an Irish accent.




An Australian coffee for later.
6) Lighter

If you're in a cafe in Australia and you'd like more milk or cream in your coffee, don't say, "I'd like my coffee lighter," because they might take it away and bring it back 'later'.



7) Later

Conversely, if you're Australian, and you're not quite ready for your coffee yet, don't tell an American waiter or waitress, "I'll have my coffee later." If you do, don't be surprised if they add cream or milk to your coffee.



8) Emma Chizit

This next one is admittedly quite an unlikely scenario, but if anyone called 'Emma Chizit' happens to be reading this, be careful when speaking to a South African. If you tell them your name they may think you're asking the price. Specifically, it may sound like you're asking, "How much is it?"




"Good eye!"
9) Good Eye

If you're a pirate who wears an eye patch, take care when discussing your bad eye and your 'good eye' with an Australian, as it may sound like you are using the Australian greeting for hello, "G'day!"



10) Soviet Union

Finally, my Geordie mate has just got a job in Russia campaigning for the rights of napkin makers. It's in the serviette union.

[Dogeatdog]

Can't believe the underdogs had a good result in the EFL third round last night.

Well done Manchester United on beating Rochdale, just.

[Dogeatdog]

Why are melons so lonely?

Because they cantaloupe.

[Livia]

Once upon a time there were three bears. Now there's ****ing thousands of 'em.

[Dogeatdog]

My girlfriend was shouting “Give it to me now! I’m so ****ing wet!”

I simply told her “This umbrella is mine. Go get your own.”

[Dogeatdog]

What is a foot long and slippery?

A slipper.

[Dogeatdog]

I ordered a thesaurus from Amazon but when it was delivered all the pages were blank.

I have no words to describe how angry I am.

[Dogeatdog]

What do skeletons say before they begin dining?

Bone appetit.

[Beso]

What do skeletons say before they begin dining?

Bone appetit.


Rib anyone?

[Dogeatdog]

A lorry loaded with Brussels sprouts has overturned in Fife.

The driver said he had trouble controlling the vehicle due to bad wind.

[Crimson Dynamo]

I was sat on the end of my bed last night pulling of me Boxers

and the TL said

"you spoil these dogs"

[Jessica.]

HA HA WIFE BAD

https://puu.sh/F1wsj/507bc952f5.jpg

[Nicky91]

one of our dutch iconic jokes/gags, explaining the joke ''fok'' is dutch word for breed, and it sounds similar to ****

Hi my name is Henny Huisman i **** horses

pardon

Henny: Ja Paarden


paarden is horses in dutch, and pardon/paarden sound similar either
:laugh3: :laugh3:


Henny Huisman one of our comedy/talent show host national treasures i say, he is iconic for the first talent show here ''Soundmixshow''

GgwGouVLkVY

one of his own ''party songs''

[The Slim Reaper]

He's up there with Prior and Hicks.

[Marsh.]

inactive member

:joker:

[Alf]

I used to work with a lad called Anthony. He was only 4ft 8.

We used to call him "Shetland Tony"

[Mystic Mock]

I've come up with a few offensive alternative titles to TV Shows (Anime included) so here it goes.

Sailor Moan (Sailor Moon)
Is It Wrong To Pick Up Drugs In A Dungeon? (Is It Wrong To Pick Up Girls In A Dungeon?)
Darker Than Lostprophets (Darker Than Black)
Sweet Home Alabama (Sweet Home)
Cum Dine With Me (Come Dine With Me)
Game Of Moans (Game Of Thrones)
Fear The Walking Nazi (Fear The Walking Dead)
NAMBLA Park (South Park)
KKK Detective (True Detective)
The *****ville (The Orville)
Law & Order: Special Rapist Unit (SVU)
Angel: Rooting For The Slave (Angel) - he says that dialogue in Season 4, so I'm adding it.:smug:
Farting In Another World (Farming In Another World)

I can't think of anymore, so I'll leave you all with these wonderful hypothetical Shows for now.:joker:

[Zizu]

Last of the Summer Whine

The XXX files

Breaking Wind ( Breaking Bad)

The Orifice ( The office )

Twin Pricks ( Peaks)

Band of Brothels ( Band of Brothers )

Fiends ( Friends )

Off-White is the New Black
(Orange is the New Black)


The Whingeing Detective
( The Singing Detective)






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[Zizu]

I used to work with a lad called Anthony. He was only 4ft 8.

We used to call him "Shetland Tony"


Fabulous !!!


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[Mystic Mock]

Last of the Summer Whine

The XXX files

Breaking Wind ( Breaking Bad)

The Orifice ( The office )

Twin Pricks ( Peaks)

Band of Brothels ( Band of Brothers )

Fiends ( Friends )

Off-White is the New Black
(Orange is the New Black)


The Whingeing Detective
( The Singing Detective)






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Very good.:laugh:

For my next joke, see if you can actually tell what the joke is.

Ian
Tina
'
Sally

Connor
Owen
Michael
India
Nathan
Gethin

Howard
Orlaith
Michelle
Edwin

Imogen
Nagasaki

Erwin
Usher
Roland
Orga

2024

[Kate!]

It's coming home in Euro?

[Mystic Mock]

It's coming home in Euro?

Correct! Well done Kate.:dance:

[Mystic Mock]

Here's my alternative offensive Movie titles.

12 Years A Sex Slave (12 Years A Slave)
Gnaw (Saw)
Final Fantasy: The *****s Within (Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within)
Once Upon A Time On Epstein Island (Once Upon A Time In Hollywood)
My Neighbor Vorhees (My Neighbor Totoro)
Kruger's Delivery Service (Kiki's Delivery Service)

I honestly would want to see Twitter's reaction to half of these, if these Movies were to be made.:joker:

[Zizu]

Love is like a Deck of Cards

At the beginning it’s all Hearts and Diamonds but later on all you want is a club and a spade

:)


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[Zizu]

I heard on the news that some guy was stealing wheels off police cars

The police are working tirelessly to catch him.

[emoji16]


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[Mystic Mock]

I heard on the news that some guy was stealing wheels off police cars

The police are working tirelessly to catch him.

[emoji16]


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:joker:

[Zizu]

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[Ithinkiloveyoutoo]

What kind of shorts do clouds wear?



Thunderwear!

[Ithinkiloveyoutoo]

"She didn't have a birthday when we were going out."

"For THREE years?!? "

[Zizu]

https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20250605/ab884d2761b17c52a2b9788b19aa79be.jpg


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[Ithinkiloveyoutoo]

https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20250605/ab884d2761b17c52a2b9788b19aa79be.jpg


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:bawling:

[Zizu]

https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20250605/321636f2fa5e0f50b25e66ba5098c127.jpg


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[Benjamin]

https://s9-hzde.freeconvert.com/task/6850746cc2f3f7fe628c5658/IMG_7013.jpeg

[Mystic Mock]

I asked Sister Lyla is it okay to become a Muslim.

But she was having Nun of that.

[Mystic Mock]

A German gets asked a question by his English friend at the Cock Inn Pub somewhere in Kent.

Friend: “Do you know what Muhammad's favourite number is in the Quran?”

German: “Nein!”

[Mystic Mock]

A famous Reporter gets the opportunity to interview a KKK member.

She for some reason asks the KKK member what the KKK members like to do in their spare time.

The KKK member gives off a list of “Games” that they like to play when they're trying to relax.

- Hangman

- Trigger Man

- Five Nights at Kevin Kolby Klein's

- BioShock (it's a different BioShock)

- Kluranageddon

[Mystic Mock]

Two racists in the BNP play a game at who can say the most racist sounding Chinese name.

Racist 1: “How about Chung Fong Bong?”

Racist 2: “Not bad, but can you beat Sum Ting Wong?”

Racist 1: “Ching Chang Chung.”

Racist 2: “Plang Fung Wang.”

Anyway, as the two were spouting off more offensive chinese names as a joke apparently, a Chinese man comes over to their table at The Cock Inn and says.

Chinese man: “My name is Fu Woo Hoo, what's your names?”

Racist 1: “I'm John Smith.”

Racist 2: “And I'm David Jones.”

Fu Woo Hoo: “So John's from England, and you're from Wales, David?”

David: “Yeah, why?”

Fu Woo Hoo: “It would explain why your names have no character.”

[Zizu]

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Deserves a bump , surely !!??


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[Mystic Mock]

An Incel's Mother goes into her son's Bedroom, disgusted by what she finds.

- Pictures of Anime girls on his bedroom wall.

- A picture of Jordan Peterson on his computer.

- Mountain Dew on his desk.

- Threatening messages towards women on Twitter.

- But in the Mother's eyes there was something so unforgivable in the room, that she vowed to not speak to her son for a whole month... And that was Cool Original Doritos, for being “too Mexican.”









Obviously I know that Doritos is an American company.

[Mystic Mock]

What does the band Berlin and Patrick Bateman from American Psycho have in common?

They both take your breath away.:devil:

[Zizu]

https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20250827/ab638d597f69d15bfad0a197b524e183.jpg


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[Zizu]

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[Zizu]

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[Zizu]

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[Zizu]

https://youtube.com/shorts/ZTvACAcaj6k?si=QS5YJPAqUGXCMVAl


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[Mystic Mock]

https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20250827/4cd169104f34e3020481ed0b5b2def9c.jpg


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A company from Fallout.:flutter:

[Mystic Mock]

Yesterday morning I had some M&M's with a cup of Tea, as I started to drink my Tea I started asking myself this question.

My tea's gone cold I'm wondering why I got out of bed at all.

[Zizu]

My elderly neighbour was , as usual, complaining ..


Him
“ every morning at 7.30am I have a long pee , then at 7.45am a huge krap …”

Me
So what are you complaining about ?

Him
“ I don’t get out of bed until 10 “


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