View Full Version : Relationship advice (kind of)
Just curious in other peoples opinions on thus -
Is it somewhat common for a partner to be infatuated with someone else? And has anyone on here been into another guy, but never really 'deep down' wanted go there?
See, im seeing someone and almost overnight she has changed, though in hindsight this has probably been coming/building over time. She spends all her time playing games online with this guy, always there, always at his beck and call. She's adamant she 'doesn't like him like that' but has admitted she finds him attractive.
I will mention that this is an online relationship, she's not with him physically, or with me for that matter. But it feels just as real as any other relationship i've had and we were on the phone and gaming all the time. However, she just can't get enough of this bloke. Do i trust her, and her saying she's not into him like that, even though every single sign is there? Or do i just accept that's life and try and move on?
I have told her how it makes me feel, i don't mind her spending time with other people, but i mean she was home from work at 3pm yesterday, and with him from then on until 1am. I will add others usually play games with them online too, they're alone about a 3rd of the time.
Cherie
13-10-2021, 11:23 AM
do you live with her Swan?
do you live with her Swan?
No, but we've been really close, on phone 24/7 for about 3 years. Even when we weren't on the romantic level, we were always chatting, voice, video calls etc.
This guy is online too. She ins't psychically with him. He streams games on twitch, he plays the guitar which she absolutely laps up.
Vicky.
13-10-2021, 11:35 AM
IDK here. I have had online infatuations before where I knew **** all would come of it for whatever reason, yet still the infatuation was there and at one stage when I was mid teens I even neglected my life somewhat for an online thing with some guy. Again who I fancied but it wouldnt happen.
I dont know if that helps somewhat. But I was never..talking to them in the hope we would get together or anything real, I think it was an escape reality thing more than anything else? May not be explaining that right.
Niamh.
13-10-2021, 11:37 AM
I wouldn't be impressed if it was Gavin online with some girl like that, I wouldn't be OK with it and I seriously doubt he would be if it were the other way round either
IDK here. I have had online infatuations before where I knew **** all would come of it for whatever reason, yet still the infatuation was there and at one stage when I was mid teens I even neglected my life somewhat for an online thing with some guy. Again who I fancied but it wouldnt happen.
I dont know if that helps somewhat. But I was never..talking to them in the hope we would get together or anything real, I think it was an escape reality thing more than anything else? May not be explaining that right.
That's actually really helpful. I've googled a million different things, read plenty of stories, but none like yours Vicky, so yes that's incredibly helpful. And you make perfect sense!
See, she does say she loves me, only a few days ago it was 'i love you, i only want you; it's always you'. But her actions really do say something different. She can't get enough of this guy, it's plain and simple and is beyond reasonable doubt now.
It's a massive head****!
I wouldn't be impressed if it was Gavin online with some girl like that, I wouldn't be OK with it and I seriously doubt he would be if it were the other way round either
Yeah it really hurts, and im starting to hate her for it. Im not going to be a doormat, but before all this i was really fond of her, and still am. Again, im just super confused. And hurting.
AnnieK
13-10-2021, 11:43 AM
Do you see each other irl? Or is it strictly online? Can you join their chat and games or does she make it so its just her and him?
Hope you sort it....trust takes years to build and seconds to break so try to make sure you get the whole situation before making any decisions.
Hope you can sort it :love:
Vicky.
13-10-2021, 11:45 AM
That's actually really helpful. I've googled a million different things, read plenty of stories, but none like yours Vicky, so yes that's incredibly helpful. And you make perfect sense!
See, she does say she loves me, only a few days ago it was 'i love you, i only want you; it's always you'. But her actions really do say something different. She can't get enough of this guy, it's plain and simple and is beyond reasonable doubt now.
It's a massive head****!
OK this is going to come across a little brutal so I apologise in advance
I was not with anyone for the first one. So it didnt matter. However with the second, I was with someone I didnt love by that stage so it was not an issue. I am trying to put myself in the situation of having this happen when I was with someone I loved and I cannot see that the infatuation would go on? For the simple fact that if I was happy at the time I would not be even thinking about escaping to 'the fantasy'.
While I totally get its not about actually getting with that person..I would also not be impressed at all if a partner was doing this. I would accept that they didnt want to start something really with that person...but I would also think they must be unhappy with me to do it to start with
I kinda..ummed and ahhed about posting this. I genuinely am sorry if it comes across badly too but I kinda think honest opinions are better than 'being nice' when its a real life thing? IDK.
Do you see each other irl? Or is it strictly online? Can you join their chat and games or does she make it so its just her and him?
Hope you sort it....trust takes years to build and seconds to break so try to make sure you get the whole situation before making any decisions.
Hope you can sort it :love:
We haven't no, but video chatted tons, talk on the phone tons, or we did. We were planing to meet in December when we get time off work. If i put myself out i could have maybe be joined, but she's very reluctant when i suggest that. Well she would be with him, just them two yes, if he asks she's there. However he regularly asks other people to join them.
Im thinking of just going no contact, i've read it's pretty effective no matter what.
OK this is going to come across a little brutal so I apologise in advance
I was not with anyone for the first one. So it didnt matter. However with the second, I was with someone I didnt love by that stage so it was not an issue. I am trying to put myself in the situation of having this happen when I was with someone I loved and I cannot see that the infatuation would go on? For the simple fact that if I was happy at the time I would not be even thinking about escaping to 'the fantasy'.
While I totally get its not about actually getting with that person..I would also not be impressed at all if a partner was doing this. I would accept that they didnt want to start something really with that person...but I would also think they must be unhappy with me to do it to start with
I kinda..ummed and ahhed about posting this. I genuinely am sorry if it comes across badly too but I kinda think honest opinions are better than 'being nice' when its a real life thing? IDK.
No no, it can't really get any worse anyway lol. She's there, wherever he is, 24/7. So even if it sounds harsh, just be straight. It will help me in the long run.
And thank you.
Vicky.
13-10-2021, 11:49 AM
Im thinking of just going no contact, i've read it's pretty effective no matter what.
No contact worked for me tbh. Thats effectively how I ended my marriage as if I did not do it that way I would have crumbled and stayed and been unhappy for longer and the cycle just kinda repeats. No contact has made everything easier. From my perspective anyway.
I mean it's her day off, my day off, first thing she does is go into his stream and asks if she can join him in game. She's obsessed.
I know she likes him, but im not sure is he likes her.
Im going to be somewhat brutal now, she isn't what you'd call 'pretty' (obviously to me she is the most stunning woman in the world, but in reality others wouldn't see her like that). She isn't used to getting male attention, she's 40 now, and had two partners in her life, both have left her. She's got a heart of gold, can be a bit moody, but this guy she's lusting over does have a few women 'thirsting' over him.
He actually comes across as a nice guy. Too nice almost. Either way, whatever she is thinking, whatever is going on with her, she's obsessed.
Yeah it really hurts, and im starting to hate her for it. Im not going to be a doormat, but before all this i was really fond of her, and still am. Again, im just super confused. And hurting.
Take the advice from your sig.
And i increasingly feel like her 'safety net' if this doesn't go anywhere. Because she say's she loves me and doesn't like him like that, but i know her, she can't get enough of him.
But i know deep down she isn't a bitch, she just isn't. So im so confused. I just know i can't put up with her being around him 24/7 anymore. And when i bring up how i feel it's just a hassle.
See i've always chased her, always said 'that's it im done' then 3 hours later im messaging her. Then becoming desperate when she doesn't reply. That DOES need to stop, the last message i sent was last night saying im probably gonna end things, and that we are over (all games, we never grow up when it comes to love), she hasn't got back to me and i know she wont today because she'll be with him. Should i not message her whatsoever, and just wait and see if she messages me down the road?
Take the advice from your sig.
Forgot about sig, but you're right!
Vicky.
13-10-2021, 12:01 PM
May be massive lust for her then. From you describing them. That and relishing the attention of a guy she sees as..well I dont want to say perfect but..kinda there?! Would reinforce the 'it will never happen' aspect from her side too, if thats how it is. Again, if that makes sense?
That said, and I know this is overshare but meh. I had a kind of similar situation recently. Had met this guy in real life though so it was a bit different but I did get a kinda infatuation with him. He is ****ing stunning. Seriously. And seems so nice and funny and all that ****. Anyway, it was harmless flirting (for months and months on facebook after meeting him just once) to me as in my mind like **** would he ever have any interest. Well. Hes now not just a fantasy to me.
So again, the problem here is if the guy ever showed her genuine interest? Like, I imagine she would jump at the chance. To her, its not real or possible, but if he decided it should be real she would be happy.
Thinking this through properly, I say lose her before you get in deeper as this doesnt sound healthy for someone in a relationship..and I think you will end up hurt. Regardless.
May be massive lust for her then. From you describing them. That and relishing the attention of a guy she sees as..well I dont want to say perfect but..kinda there?! Would reinforce the 'it will never happen' aspect from her side too, if thats how it is. Again, if that makes sense?
That said, and I know this is overshare but meh. I had a kind of similar situation recently. Had met this guy in real life though so it was a bit different but I did get a kinda infatuation with him. He is ****ing stunning. Seriously. And seems so nice and funny and all that ****. Anyway, it was harmless flirting (for months and months on facebook after meeting him just once) to me as in my mind like **** would he ever have any interest. Well. Hes now not just a fantasy to me.
So again, the problem here is if the guy ever showed her genuine interest? Like, I imagine she would jump at the chance. To her, its not real or possible, but if he decided it should be real she would be happy.
Thinking this through properly, I say lose her before you get in deeper as this doesnt sound healthy for someone in a relationship..and I think you will end up hurt. Regardless.
I think that's the nail on head, deep down i know it is. Im just afraid to admit it to myself because when we feel this gut wrenching pain, we are looking for that slither of hope. She doesn't think he'd go for her, and in all honesty im not sure he would either (maybe he would, who knows). But yes she is there all the time with him trying to get him to show interest in her, and if he did/does i know she'd be gone for good, no matter what she says. She always says about he has so many people after him and he's never gonna go for her anyway. Im not willing to be 2nd best if this does go tits up for either.
I just dunno how she could do this to me, but what the heart wants and all that...And yes Vicky, the sun shines out his arse to her, everything he does is amazing.
It's really time for me to face reality, i know it is!
She was always incredibly jealous if i even spoke to another woman, that's gone since him too.
**** me man, this sucks so much. But i need to be realistic i guess.
Vicky.
13-10-2021, 12:18 PM
I think that's the nail on head, deep down i know it is. Im just afraid to admit it to myself because when we feel this gut wrenching pain, we are looking for that slither of hope. She doesn't think he'd go for her, and in all honesty im not sure he would either (maybe he would, who knows). But yes she is there all the time with him trying to get him to show interest in her, and if he did/does i know she'd be gone for good, no matter what she says. She always says about he has so many people after him and he's never gonna go for her anyway. Im not willing to be 2nd best if this does go tits up for either.
I just dunno how she could do this to me, but what the heart wants and all that...And yes Vicky, the sun shines out his arse to her, everything he does is amazing.
It's really time for me to face reality, i know it is!
Well I thought this too :laugh:
And am sure everyone else did looking at the pair of us tbh. I mean, its nowt serious but..still.
You need to end this really. Also, you sound like you are trying to put her down because you are feeling bad about her lusting after this other guy too? Like the 'shes not attractive' stuff. This might make you feel better about the whole situation but thats kinda not healthy either? It makes me think that you aren't happy either. So basically, best way it to just let her continue in her fantasy that would be reality if he decided so..and you find someone more suited?
Crimson Dynamo
13-10-2021, 12:19 PM
Im not very good at relationships so my advice is from bad relationships - i find that your gut-instinct tends to be correct
Vicky.
13-10-2021, 12:20 PM
Im not very good at relationships so my advice is from bad relationships - i find that your gut-instinct tends to be correct
Yeah always trust your gut. Thats good advice anyway in life generally! The one time I went against it ended very badly. So I listen to it now, even if it seems to make no sense at the time.
I've just remembered I'm being chased by a geordie lass, I hadnt spoken to her since my little sister brought her home one night years and years ago.
I did sleep with her older sister though and was married to her step sister for 12 years.
But she wants me. I however cant be arsed anymore with all the hassle of a new relationship, so I made it clear it would just be for sex, and would probably only be one time.
Vicky.
13-10-2021, 12:24 PM
Parm, not sure if thats fantasy or not but I 100% agree. **** relationships and all the drama that results from them.
Well I thought this too :laugh:
And am sure everyone else did looking at the pair of us tbh. I mean, its nowt serious but..still.
You need to end this really. Also, you sound like you are trying to put her down because you are feeling bad about her lusting after this other guy too? Like the 'shes not attractive' stuff. This might make you feel better about the whole situation but thats kinda not healthy either? It makes me think that you aren't happy either. So basically, best way it to just let her continue in her fantasy that would be reality if he decided so..and you find someone more suited?
Maybe, but don't get me wrong i think she's absolutely gorgeous. Maybe it's more hope thinking he wouldn't go for her, i mean it is really. To me she's perfect. Im clutching at straws hoping that the real reason she is lusting is because she wants the hot guy to notice her, which she has told me herself in the past that's never happened, idk.
We would get on so well ya know, just be completely ourselves with each other, no airs or graces.
Crimson Dynamo
13-10-2021, 12:32 PM
I've just remembered I'm being chased by a geordie lass, I hadnt spoken to her since my little sister brought her home one night years and years ago.
I did sleep with her older sister though and was married to her step sister for 12 years.
But she wants me. I however cant be arsed anymore with all the hassle of a new relationship, so I made it clear it would just be for sex, and would probably only be one time.
WHO SAID ROMANCE IS DEAD?
:hehe:
Parm, not sure if thats fantasy or not but I 100% agree. **** relationships and all the drama that results from them.
Its 100 percent true, shes from alnwick now but went to my school. She just rekindle her friendship with my sister after an abusive relationship.
I was a bit shocked to get a surprise call last Saturday night from the geordie accent girl.
I do remember her sister though, I was infatuated with her bit had to take a step back as she was getting married during our brief liaisons
Shes still happily married almost 35 years later to the same bloke.
Vicky.
13-10-2021, 12:40 PM
I missed that you had not even met in real life
Definitely cut loose. And if you dont, dont whinge in a few months IF she ends up with him. Really. Its obviously what she wants, though thinks she will never get but would grab with both hands if there was a possibility. So on the offchance the possibility presents itself, protect yourself in advance.
Meanwhile for you to say shes gorgeous to you etc but others wouldnt think so makes me think you do not find her as gorgeous as you say you do but realise it doesnt look good to say...shes not a looker. I think I get where you are coming from but that bit kinda came off as..bitter.
I am in no position to give relationship advice right now (or maybe ever though) so I give honesty instead :laugh: My own relationships are a slight ****show and I have given up on 'relationships' in general as really cant be arsed and friends with benefits situations seem the way forward :D Might suit you better. Maybe also, someone you can/have met in real life too? I mean, the other guy could be thinking the same..'omg we have something special but she will NOT stop talking to this other guy online!'
Vicky.
13-10-2021, 12:42 PM
Its 100 percent true, shes from alnwick now but went to my school. She just rekindle her friendship with my sister after an abusive relationship.
I was a bit shocked to get a surprise call last Saturday night from the geordie accent girl.
I do remember her sister though, I was infatuated with her bit had to take a step back as she was getting married during our brief liaisons
Shes still happily married almost 35 years later to the same bloke.
Sounds like the plot of some porno really.
As much as they have plots.
Cherie
13-10-2021, 12:44 PM
Have you tried to meet or is she in a completely different part of the country, honestly she doesn't sound worth the hassle
I missed that you had not even met in real life
Definitely cut loose. And if you dont, dont whinge in a few months IF she ends up with him. Really. Its obviously what she wants, though thinks she will never get but would grab with both hands if there was a possibility. So on the offchance the possibility presents itself, protect yourself in advance.
Meanwhile for you to say shes gorgeous to you etc but others wouldnt think so makes me think you do not find her as gorgeous as you say you do but realise it doesnt look good to say...shes not a looker. I think I get where you are coming from but that bit kinda came off as..bitter.
I am in no position to give relationship advice right now (or maybe ever though) so I give honesty instead :laugh: My own relationships are a slight ****show and I have given up on 'relationships' in general as really cant be arsed and friends with benefits situations seem the way forward :D Might suit you better. Maybe also, someone you can/have met in real life too? I mean, the other guy could be thinking the same..'omg we have something special but she will NOT stop talking to this other guy online!'
Everything you say does make sense. What is your opinion on this "just dont forget i've always made it clear i dont want him in that way"
That was the last message she sent to me, yesterday.
Have you tried to meet or is she in a completely different part of the country, honestly she doesn't sound worth the hassle
Tbh yes, i was suppose to go early last month, she had brought a toothbrush, hand towel, crisps, drinks the lot in preparation, and i let her down. She says it's nothing to do with that, but subconsciously im sure it is. And then we planned early December but she's not as enthusiastic now, half because of him, half because i let her down last time probably.
Vicky.
13-10-2021, 12:52 PM
Everything you say does make sense. What is your opinion on this "just dont forget i've always made it clear i dont want him in that way"
I think she might be kidding herself about that. Or she may be well aware that the only reason she says this is as she thinks he would never go for it. But if he did go for it, she would never say no. And I also think you know this.
I think she might be kidding herself about that. Or she may be well aware that the only reason she says this is as she thinks he would never go for it. But if he did go for it, she would never say no.
Ok, harsh, but fair lol. Like i said, im don't want any hope if it isn't there, reality is best in the long run. Deep down i do yeah.
There is absolutely no point whatsoever in me messaging her is there?
Vicky.
13-10-2021, 12:55 PM
Messaging her to say what? This depends.
Or do you mean, messaging her in general to continue whatever it is that you have? If its that, depends on your expectations.
Messaging her to say what? This depends.
Or do you mean, messaging her in general.
Well asking her to just be straight with me now as we are as good as over? And that i wont be mad, i just want closure.
I mean i could say what you've said, that if he did show interest would she go there?
Even though it hurts, i guess hearing her say it would give me some some sort of closure, and the tiny little bit of hope in my head that this will pass and she'll want me again will go and i'll have no choice but to move on.
Vicky.
13-10-2021, 01:01 PM
Would it actually make you feel better for her to answer that though? I don't get the closure thing at all really, never have. I know it helps some people though, or they say it does! Seems a bit 'explain yourself and your actions/thoughts for no reason even though we are over!' to me though, and if you are actually over..and you say you know deep down she does want him, I dont see why its needed? Except to maybe make her feel guilty. Which helps nothing either.
Yesterday at 3:10pm - "i don't want him"
I know what you're saying is true Vicky, but it's so unfair that she says that kind of thing to me. It's so confusing, it's really messing with my head. It doesn't allow me to fully let go, maybe that's her plan? Me being the safety net?
Would it actually make you feel better for her to answer that though? I don't get the closure thing at all really, never have. I know it helps some people though, or they say it does! Seems a bit 'explain yourself and your actions/thoughts for no reason even though we are over!' to me though, and if you are actually over..and you say you know deep down she does want him, I dont see why its needed? Except to maybe make her feel guilty. Which helps nothing either.
I guess you're right tbh.
Niamh.
13-10-2021, 01:03 PM
I think that really until you two meet in person you probably shouldn't consider yourselves exclusive anyway, until you know there's some chemistry between you, i don't think you can really know that in a romantic way until you've met the person
Vicky.
13-10-2021, 01:03 PM
She could be saying that for loads of reasons. Maybe she is still in denial. Maybe she is using you as a safety net incase he never goes for it. Maybe she is being honest. IDK. Go with your gut. Best advice in most situations.
I think that really until you two meet in person you probably shouldn't consider yourselves exclusive anyway, until you know there's some chemistry between you, i don't think you can really know that in a romantic way until you've met the person
Yeah that's very true, i've always had my doubts. We are all sacred of being lonely i guess, and tbh she was probably my 'safety net' here and there (i never really thought that, but on reflection idk)
She could be saying that for loads of reasons. Maybe she is still in denial. Maybe she is using you as a safety net incase he never goes for it. Maybe she is being honest. IDK. Go with your gut. Best advice in most situations.
Ok well thank you for all your advice, i think we're both on the same page, and my gut is telling me everything you've said, even before you said it. It hurts like mad, and i will still clutch at straws, but i know it's true, and im powerless to change any of it. We feel what we feel. That's life. These things happen to millions of people every day.
All this chat/advice has really helped. I still feel awful about it, but i needed some reality from real people, instead of online sites who are ultimately trying to sell you something, even if the advice comes across sound.
Vicky.
13-10-2021, 01:24 PM
Yeah, real advice not online advice.. from real people who are absolutely not also online people who are not really real :D
I know what you mean though
AnnieK
13-10-2021, 01:26 PM
Why did you cancel on her when you were meant to meet?
Yeah, real advice not online advice.. from real people who are absolutely not also online people who are not really real :D
I know what you mean though
Yeah you know what im saying :laugh:
Hey, at least that made me smile :D
Why did you cancel on her when you were meant to meet?
I wasn't in a very good place, it wasn't actually her though i did have some doubts. I was drinking way too much i didn't know if i could control it when we were going to meet.
She lives 6 hours away, and i was kind of a little daunted by it. Obviously now i'd drive there today to try and make up for it, but i know that's way too irrational, even for me who tends to act on impulse.
I wasn't in a very good place, it wasn't actually her though i did have some doubts. I was drinking way too much i didn't know if i could control it when we were going to meet.
She lives 6 hours away, and i was kind of a little daunted by it. Obviously now i'd drive there today to try and make up for it, but i know that's way too irrational, even for me who tends to act on impulse.
I suggest you jump in the car and go. Who knows until they try?
I met up with someone from here 10 years ago, we got a hotel for the night and before I knew it my balls were on here chest as she gave them a quick shave.
We spent 10 years living together after that, still friends now, infact shes my rock tbh..
So yeah, get up and go, until then you will never know what could be.
I suggest you jump in the car and go. Who knows until they try?
I actually joked about that Sunday and she freaked out, so that's a big no no i think. More signs!
Just an update on this. Vicky especially, thank you for all the advice. And Vicky you are 100% right in how she is, she's obsessed with this guy, still all over him. I accept this, and im moving on, as from yesterday have gone completely no contact, blocked her everywhere so she can't keep using me as a back up, and stayed away from her social media. I still feel a bit crap, but im feeling much better, and positive it all now :D
michael21
18-10-2021, 06:33 PM
Just an update on this. Vicky especially, thank you for all the advice. And Vicky you are 100% right in how she is, she's obsessed with this guy, still all over him. I accept this, and im moving on, as from yesterday have gone completely no contact, blocked her everywhere so she can't keep using me as a back up, and stayed away from her social media. I still feel a bit crap, but im feeling much better, and positive it all now :D
Yes you should not be a back up you made the right decisions stay strong
GoldHeart
18-10-2021, 07:14 PM
I don't understand
Are you actually dating this person?? :conf:, if yes then it's weird what she's doing.
If you're not official ,then you can't really be annoyed with her, it's a little more tricky . Unless you've had a talk about getting serious with eachother?. I don't know the situation fully .
hijaxers
18-10-2021, 07:24 PM
Just an update on this. Vicky especially, thank you for all the advice. And Vicky you are 100% right in how she is, she's obsessed with this guy, still all over him. I accept this, and im moving on, as from yesterday have gone completely no contact, blocked her everywhere so she can't keep using me as a back up, and stayed away from her social media. I still feel a bit crap, but im feeling much better, and positive it all now :D
Good on ya ! never be a doormat for anyone , and beware girls like her always come back , you are worth better and there will be someone new around the corner who i hope treats you as you deserve to be treated.
rusticgal
18-10-2021, 08:15 PM
So she didn’t like it when the shoe was on the other foot….so for her to be doing this to you is totally unfair.
It’s good to have friends of the opposite sex…and it’s great to have a partner that accepts it…however there is a line and it seems like she has over stepped it IMO…
rusticgal
18-10-2021, 08:17 PM
Just an update on this. Vicky especially, thank you for all the advice. And Vicky you are 100% right in how she is, she's obsessed with this guy, still all over him. I accept this, and im moving on, as from yesterday have gone completely no contact, blocked her everywhere so she can't keep using me as a back up, and stayed away from her social media. I still feel a bit crap, but im feeling much better, and positive it all now :D
Lol…I should have read the end of the thread….I think you have done the right thing…I hope you are ok :hug:
Yes you should not be a back up you made the right decisions stay strong
Thanks Michael
I don't understand
Are you actually dating this person?? :conf:, if yes then it's weird what she's doing.
If you're not official ,then you can't really be annoyed with her, it's a little more tricky . Unless you've had a talk about getting serious with eachother?. I don't know the situation fully .
We were dating yes, and she was all over this other guy, 24/7.
Good on ya ! never be a doormat for anyone , and beware girls like her always come back , you are worth better and there will be someone new around the corner who i hope treats you as you deserve to be treated.
Agreed, and thank you!
Lol…I should have read the end of the thread….I think you have done the right thing…I hope you are ok :hug:
Thanks Rusty, yeah im doing ok thank you, everything just kinda hit me yesterday and today, and now im actually glad this happened! :laugh:
GoldHeart
18-10-2021, 10:20 PM
Oh ok I wasn't sure ,I've just read the rest of this thread .
Well if you were dating then you made the right decision.
thesheriff443
18-10-2021, 10:28 PM
Oh ok I wasn't sure ,I've just read the rest of this thread .
Well if you were dating then you made the right decision.
It was an internet relationship and they had never met in person.
Jordan.
18-10-2021, 10:33 PM
Finding it hard to see what she has done wrong, you are not together in real life so what is she supposed to do in her freetime not have any hobbies? The attacks on her appearance earlier in the thread were also gross. She sounds like the one better off rid.
rusticgal
18-10-2021, 10:53 PM
Finding it hard to see what she has done wrong, you are not together in real life
Well they were…if you take the time to read the opening thread.
Jordan.
18-10-2021, 10:55 PM
Well they were…if you take the time to read the opening thread.
They have never met they are not together.
Jordan.
18-10-2021, 10:56 PM
And trust me I've read the thread multiple times and held my tongue but the reek of misogny really needs calling out.
rusticgal
18-10-2021, 11:00 PM
And trust me I've read the thread multiple times and held my tongue but the reek of misogny really needs calling out.
Clearly not read it properly….
Jordan.
18-10-2021, 11:02 PM
Clearly not read it properly….
If you're happy to see some poor woman be attacked and painted out to be a bad person because she's dared to give attention to someone that her internet "boyfriend" is jealous of that's on you I guess.
LukeB
18-10-2021, 11:27 PM
“She’s not what you call pretty” :skull: sounds like she’s better off and did the right thing.
I echo everything what Jordan said. It’s not fair on trying to make her into a bad person when she really hasn’t done anything wrong. You haven’t met so it’s not really a relationship.
Jordan.
18-10-2021, 11:31 PM
“She’s not what you call pretty” :skull: sounds like she’s better off and did the right thing.
I echo what Jordan said. It’s not fair on trying to make her into a bad person when she really hasn’t done anything wrong. You haven’t met so it’s not really a relationship.
It's classic manipulation used against women by their partners to make them not leave them. Sad anyone would defend it.
GoldHeart
19-10-2021, 04:50 AM
They have never met they are not together.
I didn't realise this :facepalm:
But this is the problem with ' online relationships' , unless you actually take things further then it will always be a cyberspace/ penpal thing . And the other person will likely always find other people to chat to .
GoldHeart
19-10-2021, 04:52 AM
“She’s not what you call pretty” :skull: sounds like she’s better off and did the right thing.
I echo everything what Jordan said. It’s not fair on trying to make her into a bad person when she really hasn’t done anything wrong. You haven’t met so it’s not really a relationship.
Yeah her looks don't need to be brought into this , and swan clearly liked her in the first place .
user104658
19-10-2021, 09:57 AM
Having met my wife online, I'm not going to say online relationships are not real, however they're not QUITE real until you're actually together. That just is what it is. And if she was more interested in talking to other people online than you well ... ... I'd say that's a pretty strong indicator that it was never going to be anything more than some online flirtation.
I'm like 99% sure it's a real relationship now, there are some positive signs so far, like living together for 14 years and having two children. We'll see how it goes from here :worry:.
“She’s not what you call pretty” :skull: sounds like she’s better off and did the right thing.
I echo everything what Jordan said. It’s not fair on trying to make her into a bad person when she really hasn’t done anything wrong. You haven’t met so it’s not really a relationship.
It's classic manipulation used against women by their partners to make them not leave them. Sad anyone would defend it.
No you've interpreted my point wrong. I was just tryting to look at this from every angle, trying to make sense of it. We have had plenty of conversations in the past where she's told me she's never really received any male attention in her life. So i was thinking, in hope as much as anything, that maybe she doesn't actually want him, she's just enjoying the attention from a good looking guy, as she said herself she's never really had that. However, i realise now it's deeper than that for her, and she genuinely wants this guy. The thing that was getting to me was the fact she's telling me she didn't want him, and that she loves and wants to be with me. But that classic saying "actions speak louder than words" has really come into play here.
And i've not been unreasonable to question her wanting to spend every waking moment with him. I've told her how beautiful she was every single day, i've sent her meaningful gifts. I've been a shoulder for her. I wasn't great to her don't get me wrong, and she wasn't great to me. The relationships was great at times though, but in reflection it wasn't very healthy, and was overall quite toxic. It really did feel real i must add that, we was on the phone 24/7, it was everything real with a relationship, bar the physical side (which granted is a big one).
As for being a misogynist, no lol. I was raised by my mum, had a female counsellor throughout my teens, a couple of female Doctors who have been good to me. I trust women, i gravitate a lot more towards women. The only man i've ever trusted is my Granddad.
Niamh.
19-10-2021, 10:24 AM
I can't say I disagree with Jordan and Luke's points about your comments on her appearance, it did read like you thought she should think herself lucky that you're interested in her because she's not very attractive and no one else would be. It's a bit strange to say on the one hand you think she's gorgeous but on the other she's not physically attractive
I can't say I disagree with Jordan and Luke's points about your comments on her appearance, it did read like you thought she should think herself lucky that you're interested in her because she's not very attractive and no one else would be. It's a bit strange to say on the one hand you think she's gorgeous but on the other she's not physically attractive
Nah trust me, if it read like that i apologise, it wasn't meant to come across like that. I was just trying to make sense of the whole "i love and want you, i don't want him" yet spends every waking moment with him. And i can assure i don't have anywhere near a high enough opinion of myself to ever think like that, with anyone.
Cherie
19-10-2021, 10:40 AM
Having met my wife online, I'm not going to say online relationships are not real, however they're not QUITE real until you're actually together. That just is what it is. And if she was more interested in talking to other people online than you well ... ... I'd say that's a pretty strong indicator that it was never going to be anything more than some online flirtation.
I'm like 99% sure it's a real relationship now, there are some positive signs so far, like living together for 14 years and having two children. We'll see how it goes from here :worry:.
I thought you met your wife at Uni?
Niamh.
19-10-2021, 10:41 AM
Having met my wife online, I'm not going to say online relationships are not real, however they're not QUITE real until you're actually together. That just is what it is. And if she was more interested in talking to other people online than you well ... ... I'd say that's a pretty strong indicator that it was never going to be anything more than some online flirtation.
I'm like 99% sure it's a real relationship now, there are some positive signs so far, like living together for 14 years and having two children. We'll see how it goes from here :worry:.
You need to actually meet to see there's physical chemistry there imo
Vicky.
20-10-2021, 09:50 AM
I suggest you jump in the car and go. Who knows until they try?
I met up with someone from here 10 years ago, we got a hotel for the night and before I knew it my balls were on here chest as she gave them a quick shave.
We spent 10 years living together after that, still friends now, infact shes my rock tbh..
So yeah, get up and go, until then you will never know what could be.
Is it weird that I am more curious about the logistics of this than anything else in the post :suspect:
Vicky.
20-10-2021, 09:53 AM
Just an update on this. Vicky especially, thank you for all the advice. And Vicky you are 100% right in how she is, she's obsessed with this guy, still all over him. I accept this, and im moving on, as from yesterday have gone completely no contact, blocked her everywhere so she can't keep using me as a back up, and stayed away from her social media. I still feel a bit crap, but im feeling much better, and positive it all now :D
Yeah sounded that way tbh. And glad you are feeling positive too. Recently got 'out' of a kinda similar situation where I think I was being used as a backup by someone WHO ALREADY HAD A GIRLFRIEND TOO and I was getting a little too focussed on him tbh. Was meant to be a friends with benefits type situation but it didn't quite work out that way. Was quite a head****.
All this said, on Friday when he turns up to get wrecked with me when the kids are at Gavins, I imagine things will change again. But who cares really.
(I am aware this post makes me sound a total bitch also)
Edit. Also agree with the attacks on her appearance thing though and think you are better off without each other really.
Do you moderate whilst wrecked vicky?
Vicky.
20-10-2021, 09:57 AM
You need to actually meet to see there's physical chemistry there imo
For sure. I can imagine a situation where I met someone from online and it was all flat as a pancake and its slightly terrifying but exiting at the same time. :whistle:
Edit. Though no physical chemistry is needed in my imagined situation of course. We are not planning an orgy :D
Vicky.
20-10-2021, 09:58 AM
Do you moderate whilst wrecked vicky?
Nope. Barely moderate at all these days but its always been a rule of mine, if under the influence in some way, stay the hell away from the admin side :p
Niamh.
20-10-2021, 10:13 AM
For sure. I can imagine a situation where I met someone from online and it was all flat as a pancake and its slightly terrifying but exiting at the same time. :whistle:
Edit. Though no physical chemistry is needed in my imagined situation of course. We are not planning an orgy :D
:laugh2:
Basically, i dunno if im looking for advice, still a bit baffled even though things are pretty clear now.
So we went no contact, she reached out a month a go, we've been going back and forth arguing (both don't wanna be with each other anymore, both can't let go). She is with this dude playing online, chatting, whatever almost every waking second they're not working/sleeping. 3 months, every day, 4-12 hours a day. Texting when at work. That's THEM, not me and her.
She wants to be friends with me, i said ok, and of course asked if she was in a relationship with him yet, she say's no, but that they are very close friends. She is at his beck and call 24/7, i know that much. And as most people said before, yeah she really likes him, she admitted that. She does wanna be with him, but wonders (kinda hinting for me to answer) why yes, he's with her all the time, but hasn't made a move yet. She said he's never brought up sex, and is never flirty. She tries to flirt sometimes, he just brushes it off. Also, they met ONCE in person before she went to Hull (where he lives) with her friends, they met for a morning, this was 3 months ago. He's a very, very outgoing person i know that much, and he's good looking, anyone can see that. I told her it was strange, and my honest opinion to her was (and this killed me because i still have feelings for her) that he obviously does like her, he spends so much time online gaming with her, and that maybe he's just taking his time. She just said 'thanks' and we argued more as to why we didn't work out.
Anyway, i dunno, it means nothing to me in the sense that she's admitted she wants to be with him, but is being with someone sometimes 12 hours a day, for 3 months, and NOT making a move too long? Has she been friendzoned? I dunno what to think. He knows she likes and wants him fwiw. I dunno what to tell her because i can only base on how i would act. And i know it's never taken me 3 months, when spending so much time with them, to know if i like them, like that or not. I've always known in the past.
Niamh.
10-01-2022, 06:53 AM
Jeez just let it go Swan, far too much drama
GoldHeart
10-01-2022, 08:59 AM
Basically, i dunno if im looking for advice, still a bit baffled even though things are pretty clear now.
So we went no contact, she reached out a month a go, we've been going back and forth arguing (both don't wanna be with each other anymore, both can't let go). She is with this dude playing online, chatting, whatever almost every waking second they're not working/sleeping. 3 months, every day, 4-12 hours a day. Texting when at work. That's THEM, not me and her.
She wants to be friends with me, i said ok, and of course asked if she was in a relationship with him yet, she say's no, but that they are very close friends. She is at his beck and call 24/7, i know that much. And as most people said before, yeah she really likes him, she admitted that. She does wanna be with him, but wonders (kinda hinting for me to answer) why yes, he's with her all the time, but hasn't made a move yet. She said he's never brought up sex, and is never flirty. She tries to flirt sometimes, he just brushes it off. Also, they met ONCE in person before she went to Hull (where he lives) with her friends, they met for a morning, this was 3 months ago. He's a very, very outgoing person i know that much, and he's good looking, anyone can see that. I told her it was strange, and my honest opinion to her was (and this killed me because i still have feelings for her) that he obviously does like her, he spends so much time online gaming with her, and that maybe he's just taking his time. She just said 'thanks' and we argued more as to why we didn't work out.
Anyway, i dunno, it means nothing to me in the sense that she's admitted she wants to be with him, but is being with someone sometimes 12 hours a day, for 3 months, and NOT making a move too long? Has she been friendzoned? I dunno what to think. He knows she likes and wants him fwiw. I dunno what to tell her because i can only base on how i would act. And i know it's never taken me 3 months, when spending so much time with them, to know if i like them, like that or not. I've always known in the past.
Swan you need to just move on , and you probably won't like this but I think staying 'in contact' or whatever odd dynamic you still have with her is unhealthy . I think it's best to not engage anymore , it's her business what she wants to do with this guy whether they eventually date or not.
There's no point arguing with them , just wish them the best and carry on with your life. I think you got way too invested in this person, and you will never get over them if you continue to hold onto them .
You have an inspiring quote on your sig by Bruce Lee ,I think you should practice it . That's my advice anyway.
Niamh.
10-01-2022, 09:02 AM
Swan you need to just move on , and you probably won't like this but I think staying 'in contact' or whatever odd dynamic you still have with her is unhealthy . I think it's best to not engage anymore , it's her business what she wants to do with this guy whether they eventually date or not.
There's no point arguing with them , just wish them the best and carry on with your life. I think you got way too invested in this person, and you will never get over them if you continue to hold onto them .
You have an inspiring quote on your sig by Bruce Lee ,I think you should practice it . That's my advice anyway.
Spot on, all the advice Swan needed was right there in his sig this whole time! :love:
Cherie
10-01-2022, 09:34 AM
it sounds like this guy just wants a gaming mate tbh and she is hoping for more, but that is not your problem, your problem is that she is not into you at all and is just using you, so delete her, and move on
Yeah all sound advice, i know you're all right. Thank you. Letting go was a lot harder than i thought, but it really is the only way forward i know.
Boring i know, me and her are just friends now, she's asked me for advice, dunno what to tell her?
4 months, not flirting or move.
Maybe he's taking his time?
Sorry, it's confusing to me. Im not interested in her, we realised we are better ad friends.
I think he's interested, and that's what i tell her.
She was being silly and jokey during a game, and he said "im gonna have to turn your volume down in a min"
Sounds like a wanker.
She was being silly and jokey during a game, and he said "im gonna have to turn your volume down in a min"
Sounds like a wanker.
That sounds like someone having fun to be honest, not. W*nker
That sounds like someone having fun to be honest, not. W*nker
Nah, she was being silly and jokey, and HE said he had to turn her down because it was annoying him.
Nah, she was being silly and jokey, and HE said he had to turn her down because it was annoying him.
Are you sure he didn’t say it in a jokey way like ‘haha had to turn you down you were that loud’
Are you sure he didn’t say it in a jokey way like ‘haha had to turn you down you were that loud’
Nah he's really 'straight' and she said he said it in a serious tone, and that she was on eggshells after that.
I think he's interested so i tell her that, she's not so sure....
4 months, no flirting or sex and they game together daily.
He messages her a lot.
She is at his beck and call 24/7
But he met hr IRL and since then he's been 'cold' but with her daily gaming (he has nothing else)
I think he'll go for it, don't want her hurt. I did like her, but we were friends before, and are friends now, and she comes to me as a bloke for advice. I dunno what to tell her?
She tries to flirt and he shoots her down, she flirted/made a joke about sex and he said "im trying to talk to you normally"
I dunno, it's all mixed.
I think he's interested so i tell her that, she's not so sure....
4 months, no flirting or sex and they game together daily.
He messages her a lot.
She is at his beck and call 24/7
But he met hr IRL and since then he's been 'cold' but with her daily gaming (he has nothing else)
I think he'll go for it, don't want her hurt. I did like her, but we were friends before, and are friends now, and she comes to me as a bloke for advice. I dunno what to tell her?
She tries to flirt and he shoots her down, she flirted/made a joke about sex and he said "im trying to talk to you normally"
I dunno, it's all mixed.
A man’s messages may be negative pre-9pm then positive post-9pm
A man’s messages may be negative pre-9pm then positive post-9pm
Solid advice, very, very solid X
Solid advice, very, very solid X
youre very welcome, very, very welcome
x
Vicky.
05-02-2022, 08:51 AM
This is still ongoing? Cut the ties man. Not that I can really talk on that subject anymore as I am very hung up on some guy who is ghosting me like **** :laugh:
rusticgal
05-02-2022, 01:32 PM
I think you still really like her and can’t let go….but you need to and move on :wavey:
This is still ongoing? Cut the ties man. Not that I can really talk on that subject anymore as I am very hung up on some guy who is ghosting me like **** :laugh:
Not really now, we've tried to be friends, it's not really worked out. She is still pretty hung up on this dude, yet he's still not made a move, and yeah almost 5 months now. She asked me for advice, as i offered, i dunno what to tell her. I think he likes her the amount of time they spend gaming and chatting, but yeah five months and nothing sexual, no flirting on his part is strange. I dunno though, letting go has been hard, and trying to be friends didn't work, not spoke to her in a couple weeks now.
I think you still really like her and can’t let go….but you need to and move on :wavey:
Yeah that's what im doing now, gone on long enough :wavey:
rusticgal
20-02-2022, 03:40 PM
Not really now, we've tried to be friends, it's not really worked out. She is still pretty hung up on this dude, yet he's still not made a move, and yeah almost 5 months now. She asked me for advice, as i offered, i dunno what to tell her. I think he likes her the amount of time they spend gaming and chatting, but yeah five months and nothing sexual, no flirting on his part is strange. I dunno though, letting go has been hard, and trying to be friends didn't work, not spoke to her in a couple weeks now.
Yeah that's what im doing now, gone on long enough :wavey:
…..and you deserve better. :wavey:
Really struggling, loved her so much (drunk, sorry)
rusticgal
22-02-2022, 10:27 AM
Really struggling, loved her so much (drunk, sorry)
:hug:.....:flowers:
Why is it so hard to let go? Christ!
GoldHeart
22-02-2022, 06:58 PM
Why is it so hard to let go? Christ!
Swan you still haven't moved on ??? , oh dear you need to stop torturing yourself like this.
Take up some hobbies or something to put your mind on other things. And as i said before just CUT TIES completely with her, as you're only making things more difficult in the long run.
Crimson Dynamo
22-02-2022, 06:59 PM
Why is it so hard to let go? Christ!
you like the attention
Kizzy
22-02-2022, 07:36 PM
It's hard losing your first real love, or anyone you've invested feelings in. I remember reading something once and it made a lot of sense, it was that everyone comes into our lives for a reason. Either they have something to teach us or we have something to teach them.
Some are around for a long time and some not, the impact of some leaving can last a long time. You can't let it impact on the new people entering your life as it would prevent any positive message from them to you or you to them.
It's hard to learn to love and harder to move on. Take the good from it and let the rest go.
Don't worry I'm not going to sing :)
I would recommend you stop drinking for a few days
Kizzy
22-02-2022, 08:48 PM
I would recommend you stop drinking for a few days
Snipes like this never helped anyone least of all anyone with a drink problem.
Crimson Dynamo
22-02-2022, 10:14 PM
Everyone does not come into our lives for a
That is illogical bs
Why is it so hard to let go? Christ!
When loves a one way street, the street will always lead one way.
Dont become a warning sign.:nono:
It's hard losing your first real love, or anyone you've invested feelings in. I remember reading something once and it made a lot of sense, it was that everyone comes into our lives for a reason. Either they have something to teach us or we have something to teach them.
Some are around for a long time and some not, the impact of some leaving can last a long time. You can't let it impact on the new people entering your life as it would prevent any positive message from them to you or you to them.
It's hard to learn to love and harder to move on. Take the good from it and let the rest go.
Don't worry I'm not going to sing :)
Swans not a teenager.
Kizzy
23-02-2022, 07:10 AM
Swans not a teenager.
That advice is for any age, not everyone falls in love in their teens.
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