Whose side are you on?

[Kate!]

So my new year isn't going well and I'd like your opinions. Please don't bother to use this thread as an excuse to attack me, yes I'm talking to Glenn here. Constructive honest opinions please. I need to know if I'm in the wrong.

There's a poll oncoming, after I've explained.

Me and my partner are in a huge rut. He spends all his spare time on the x box and any affection has long since gone out the window. I'm unhappy. We never do anything together, we did used to. Like the cinema or a meal out once or twice a week. Or even a visit to a park in nicer weather. I felt like I couldn't talk it out without getting very upset so I wrote it down. I explained how I was feeling.

His response was that he had his own problems. I'll not say what cos that's his business. And he didn't need all this crap from me!

I was fuming, so I refused to cook tea. I told him things weren't right and he wasn't listening and trying to understand. I cooked for myself and he didn't bother, just had a yoghurt. I did feel bad but not enough to back down. Now we are aren't even speaking. I said we weren't a couple any more and from now on to just consider me a lodger, who cooks and shops for myself. He can do his own thing. He wasn't impressed.

I really did try to talk things through but was stonewalled.

Any thoughts?

The poll is for who you think is right?

[Livia]

You deserve better.

[Kate!]

OK Livia. I do still love him though and just want to work things out. I can't stop crying. I went to bed but couldn't sleep.

[Livia]

He needs to talk to you, it'd be a benefit for both of you. But you already know that We've all got problems and life is sometimes hard, but you have to make time for each other. How about planning a date night and asking him out? Doesn't have to be anything spectacular...

[Glenn.]

Think he made things pretty clear when he found out you was stealing from him. I think maybe it’s time you moved on.

[The Slim Reaper]

He'd better not have been playing GTA with Arista. I'm first dibs.

No one really knows what goes on behind closed doors, so it's not fair for anyone to really definitively say either way in a poll. If you're not happy, then it's time to move on.

If you're just a lodger, though, isn't he then within his rights to kick you out?

[Beso]

Think he made things pretty clear when he found out you was stealing from him. I think maybe it’s time you moved on.

And perhaps you should as well.

Kate. He has given up in the relationship, as I think you have. If you both want to grow old in separate rooms, so be it, but both of you should move on and find someone who you both want. At least then you wont be wiping the arse of someone you've grown to hate when old age takes over.

[bots]

nobody can realistically comment on anyone else's relationship. We can say what we personally find right or wrong, but everyone is different.

All I can say is if you find yourself unhappy, look for positive things you can do in your life to make things better for you. When you go down a road of negativity, it never corrects itself

[Kate!]

Think he made things pretty clear when he found out you was stealing from him. I think maybe it’s time you moved on.

You clearly didn't read the OP. I specifically asked you not to use the thread as an excuse to bash me. And yet you've voted on my side in the poll?

FYI if you recall correctly he forgave me for what I did. I was very lucky he did. You clearly have a massive chip on your shoulder, it's so sad when you don't even really know me, this irrational hatred.

[Glenn.]

Well I won’t be bullied into not replying on a public forum.

You asked for an opinion on a very private matter. I have an opinion. Wasn’t used as an ‘excuse to bash you’

You need to find somewhere else to live. The relationship is clearly dead.

[Kate!]

Well I won’t be bullied into not replying on a public forum.

You asked for an opinion on a very private matter. I have an opinion. Wasn’t used as an ‘excuse to bash you’

You need to find somewhere else to live. The relationship is clearly dead.

Bullsh1t as usual. I knew you were online and I knew you'd be straight in here dripping poison. Quelle surprise that I was correct.

[Glenn.]

Can a mod please speak to Kate please. This is getting ridiculous now. She’s actually inciting bullying and I’m bored of it now. Awful woman.

Words of advice for the next relationship you might have, be a decent person to them and they might be able to stand being around you.

[Kate!]

I won’t be replying to you anymore. You’re a horrible horrible nasty little woman

Good. That'll be a pleasant change. I don't need your crap. My life is hard enough as it is.

[Glenn.]

Yeah that happens when you make it hard.

[Kate!]

Yeah that happens when you make it hard.

Oh look, a reply. Well that lasted long didn't it. Stop trying to get my thread closed when I need support. Just go away ffs.

[AnnieK]

Kate and Glenn, you need to stop this. Kate, you can't name check someone and expect them to not reply, Glenn stop rising to it and biting back.

You are both adults and this is beyond tedious.

Any more and I will close the thread.

Back on topic, it is impossible to pick sides when you only know one side. You need to get him talking if you can Kate. You at least need to know how he feels and then you can move forward from there. It is sad but sometimes relationships run their course and you need to step away but if something can be salvaged, you won't do it without difficult conversations.

[Ammi]

…I’m on the side of your happiness obviously, Kate…but it’s impossible for any of us here to say what direction that happiness lays in…you obviously neither of you feel supported by the other one at this moment and haven’t for a while…?..I don’t know how you address and work on that if he won’t talk about it …he maybe plays his Xbox all of the time as a way of ‘not dealing’ with whatever his problems are…as a distraction…and from his perspective, he’s seeing your unhappiness as yet another problem when he’s struggling already…/I mean, you’re just both struggling, aren’t you…I don’t know if there is any available counselling type thing that you could look at but that also would have to be something that you both agreed on and felt ready for….I know that you want to be with him and the first step seems to be communication with each other…communication and working together and only you two know if that’s something that can happen…

[Kate!]

Kate and Glenn, you need to stop this. Kate, you can't name check someone and expect them to not reply, Glenn stop rising to it and biting back.

You are both adults and this is beyond tedious.

Any more and I will close the thread.

Back on topic, it is impossible to pick sides when you only know one side. You need to get him talking if you can Kate. You at least need to know how he feels and then you can move forward from there. It is sad but sometimes relationships run their course and you need to step away but if something can be salvaged, you won't do it without difficult conversations.

Please don't close the thread Annie. I didn't expect him to not reply, he is entitled to, but I requested constructive criticism, his feedback was just plain nasty?

We have talked a little bit this morning. I'll keep the thread posted.

[Cherie]

The good news is there is still hope Kate, despite what has happened he hasn't asked you to move out, and you still have feelings for him, have you thought he might have an addition himself to the Xbox, if I were you I would try again in letter or text form if need be, tell him you want the relationship to work, bear in mind relationships are hard and do need to be worked at, dont let anyone tell you that their relationship is a bed of roses because we all have our ups and downs, do what Livia said invite him out even if it just for a coffee for half an hour to gradually reintroduce him to how it can be and what you once had, dont expect miracles but just ask if you can set aside half a hour a few times a week to do something together and gradually build on that? a coffee, a walk in the park, a drink in pub whatever, does he like cooking? because he can chip in and help cook the tea....

[Niamh.]

As others have said there's no way of picking a side and ultimately picking a side isn't going to help your relationship anyway. There's clearly issues there and the only way to sort through those issues is to talk to each other and you both need to want to do that and to want to fight for the relationship. What you're doing asking for dialogue is the right thing to do though and I'm glad he's starting to talk to you now as well. I hope you both get what you want/need and just remember you don't have to stay with someone either if you're not happy

[arista]

Kate playing GTA5 on PS5

is therapy

It is needed after a days work.

[thesheriff443]

I’m afraid the relationship is over , if you are both honest it stopped being a relationship a long time ago
You are just going thru the motions
Add to the fact you are living with his mum means the relationship is never going to get better.

Kate get him to give you a letter wanting you to leave so you can get a place on social housing, it will give you control back of your life

[thesheriff443]

Just to add
Having your own place gives the opportunity for you to have romantic meals , cuddles on the sofa watching a film
Sexy time without having to consider the mother

[smudgie]

Perhaps a break away from each other would do you both good.
Could one of you stay at a friends for a while.
Giving yourselves space away from each other might make you both realise what you have and if it’s worth fighting for.

[Cherie]

Personally I dont think it is over Kate, at least not for you, but you need to ask him straight if he wants to make it work and go from there, like Sherriff said dont make yourself homeless or the council wont touch you, a former workmate of mine moved out after her partner got physical and they told her she had made herself homeless :skull:

[Niamh.]

A little bit of advice for when you talk to him as well, tell him how you feel rather than accusing him of things, these conversations can be very difficult and people tend to get defensive when their own perceived bad behaviour is pointed out. Like instead of saying "You spend too much time on the Xbox" Say "I feel lonely and I wish we could spend more down time together like we used to"

[Kate!]

Yes Niamh that's just what I did do. I never mentioned him spending all his time outside of work on the xbox. I said I didn't feel like a girlfriend etc and I missed how we used to be. He just said he didn't need "all this crap". Great response. Not. So I've gone on strike. I've refused to cook tea again tonight. Things are really bad.

[Niamh.]

I thought you said you talked a bit this morning?

[Kate!]

I thought you said you talked a bit this morning?

Yes but nothing about the future, just about my doctors appointment. Sorry, I didn't make it sound right. Since then he's still blanking me more or less.

[Niamh.]

Yes but nothing about the future, just about my doctors appointment. Sorry, I didn't make it sound right. Since then he's still blanking me more or less.

Well, if he's not prepared to talk about it or acknowledge there's a problem, then you have to make a choice, put up with it how it is (I couldn't) or move on.

[Ammi]

…is it a timing thing as well, do you think…?…finding a flexed time for you both to open up any conversations and dialogue…?…because that can have a bearing as well, if it’s at a rushed time or a time when focuses are elsewhere like starting your day…?…before you both can reach any other place together, it feels as though there is a lot of talking to do…

[Dogeatdog]

Yh you’s both definitely need to try and talk to each other about how you’s both feel. You mentioned he spends a lot of time on the Xbox, is he or does he seem depressed about something? Is he still upset about what happened in the past? Is he having issues at work or something like that? (I don’t want you to answer that in this thread by the way because that info is personal). It could explain why he’s acting a bit distant from you plus a lot of men (not all tho) do have trouble expressing their feelings.

[thesheriff443]

I’m sorry but a grown man still living with his mum and playing the x box all the time is hardly the catch of the century

If you had your own place Kate you wouldn’t be putting up with that bollox
Neither would anyone on this forum.

[Kate!]

I’m sorry but a grown man still living with his mum and playing the x box all the time is hardly the catch of the century

If you had your own place Kate you wouldn’t be putting up with that bollox
Neither would anyone on this forum.

We live with her because she needs someone to be there. She's getting on Sheriff and there are things she can't do. She has mobility problems amongst other things. She's virtually housebound, rarely goes out.

[rusticgal]

Sounds like a bit of a loser to me...tell him to get off his X-box and cook you tea for once.

Only you have the full picture....you need to get some advice from close friends who know you both a lot better than we do.

[Kate!]

Sounds like a bit of a loser to me...tell him to get off his X-box and cook you tea for once.

Only you have the full picture....you need to get some advice from close friends who know you both a lot better than we do.

He's not a loser Rusti, he works hard and if he treated me more like a girlfriend I'd happily cook his tea every night. But I feel like a nuisance most of the time and I'm sick of it.

[arista]

Good, he Works Hard,
at least.

[Kate!]

I think I've finally made a little bit of a breakthrough. I know he finds it hard to talk.

[Vanessa]

I think I've finally made a little bit of a breakthrough. I know he finds it hard to talk.

I think that's probably it.
Be patient, it's not easy to open up.

[Beso]

We live with her because she needs someone to be there. She's getting on Sheriff and there are things she can't do. She has mobility problems amongst other things. She's virtually housebound, rarely goes out.

Is it your job to look after her.:shrug:

[Kate!]

Is it your job to look after her.:shrug:

Well yes it kind of is Parmy. I may not be married to Karl but she's as good as a mum to me.

[Ammi]

…I’m on the side of you both working it out for a future together….I know that you feel love for him, Kate…and I feel that he does for you too…and I also know how close you are with his mum, that you and she are friends also…and it’s a relationship and family unit that works well for you all…maybe it doesn’t feel that right now with other stresses and problems etc…but I hope that you and he can work through this time…:hug:…

[rusticgal]

He's not a loser Rusti, he works hard and if he treated me more like a girlfriend I'd happily cook his tea every night. But I feel like a nuisance most of the time and I'm sick of it.


Well that’s good….you just have to talk and compromise.

[Cherie]

Kate the first thing you need to know is whether or not he wants to make the relationship work or if he is happy just pootling along like he is now making zero effort, if he wants to make it work then you have something to go on, if he is happy with how things are then it is up to you to decide how you make your life better for yourself, that doesnt mean leaving immediately or anything but you can start to plan how you can make your life better.

[Beso]

Move in with Alf

[Glenn.]

Sounds like a bit of a loser to me...tell him to get off his X-box and cook you tea for once.

Only you have the full picture....you need to get some advice from close friends who know you both a lot better than we do.

The bloke works hard by the sounds of it. Looks after his elderly mother. If he wants to play his computer in his downtime then that’s his right. As far as I understand, Kate doesn’t work, so her contributions are slim.

Kate needs to speak to him. And if he doesn’t want to speak to her then that’s also his right.

[rusticgal]

The bloke works hard by the sounds of it. Looks after his elderly mother. If he wants to play his computer in his downtime then that’s his right. As far as I understand, Kate doesn’t work, so her contributions are slim.

Kate needs to speak to him. And if he doesn’t want to speak to her then that’s also his right.


Well we don't actually know how much he looks after his mother...if Kate doesn't work then I guess Kate looks after her most of the time...but we dont know that either.
Kate's complaint is that they dont do things together anymore..like the odd night out now and again...

[Kate!]

Well we don't actually know how much he looks after his mother...if Kate doesn't work then I guess Kate looks after her most of the time...but we dont know that either.
Kate's complaint is that they dont do things together anymore..like the odd night out now and again...

Yes thank you Rusti. It is in fact me that cares for Joan, I do the cooking cleaning and ironing etc. And I keep her company. But Glenn doesn't like to see anything positive about me.

Also an update. We are actually talking now and he's taken on board my feelings. He wants to make it work, so that's the main thing. The relationship is not dead as more than one person has said in here. I'm relieved and a bit happier now.

[Glenn.]

Yes thank you Rusti. It is in fact me that cares for Joan, I do the cooking cleaning and ironing etc. And I keep her company. But Glenn doesn't like to see anything positive about me.

Also an update. We are actually talking now and he's taken on board my feelings. He wants to make it work, so that's the main thing. The relationship is not dead as more than one person has said in here. I'm relieved and a bit happier now.

Well you don’t work do you? It would be different if you both worked and could perhaps do the household chores together but as he works and you don’t, it’s kinda all you can do.

[Kate!]

Well you don’t work do you? It would be different if you both worked and could perhaps do the household chores together but as he works and you don’t, it’s kinda all you can do.

What?? What the hell are you bleating about now. No I don't work due to health issues. Running a home is work, hard work. I don't expect anyone to help me however. I'm happy to do it all. Plus you're ignoring what I've said. I expect to be treated like a partner, not just a housemate. It's really not too much to ask.

But you jist carry on as you do.

[Beso]

Well we don't actually know how much he looks after his mother...if Kate doesn't work then I guess Kate looks after her most of the time...but we dont know that either.
Kate's complaint is that they dont do things together anymore..like the odd night out now and again...

We do know that kate sees her as a mother, but was calling her all sorts the last time things came to a head...

[Glenn.]

Whatever Kate. Seems your extreme bias towards me prevents any kind of advice. I’ll just let everyone tell you what you want to hear

[Kate!]

Whatever Kate. Seems your extreme bias towards me prevents any kind of advice. I’ll just let everyone tell you what you want to hear

Lmao. And your extreme bias towards me results in you spewing a load of nasty sh1t.

[Glenn.]

It’s called Truth.

[Kate!]

We do know that kate sees her as a mother, but was calling her all sorts the last time things came to a head...

I beg your pardon?

[Kate!]

It’s called Truth.

It's not the truth though is it? You stated categorically that my relationship was dead. You know nothing. Now fcuk off and stay our of my business.

[Glenn.]

It's not the truth though is it? You stated categorically that my relationship was dead. You know nothing. Now fcuk off and stay our of my business.

Well we'll see won’t we. Good luck to him!

[Beso]

I beg your pardon?

Last time you posted about this sort if thing you were telling us all how horrid she is.

[Kate!]

Last time you posted about this sort if thing you were telling us all how horrid she is.

I recall saying I was unhappy cos I pay to live here and half the time I can't even watch the TV shows I want to. Get your facts right.

[Kate!]

Is it kick Kate day or what? Why are you joining in Parmy?

[Kate!]

I don't bloody well need this. I'm sick of being a punching bag on here.

[Vanessa]

A relationship is hard. It does sound like he's at least willing to make the effort.
Which is good.

[arista]

Hang in there, Kate.

It is good you post about it,

[Liam-]

I mean, you admitted to stealing from him to fund your gambling habit, if he wants to play his games in his spare time when he’s not working for the money, he’s perfectly entitled to do so and you should be considerate of the fact that you stealing didn’t end the relationship there and then

[Kate!]

I mean, you admitted to stealing from him to fund your gambling habit, if he wants to play his games in his spare time when he’s not working for the money, he’s perfectly entitled to do so and you should be considerate of the fact that you stealing didn’t end the relationship there and then

Whatever Liam. Just see one side why don't you?

Thread requested closed.

[AnnieK]

Closing this now as per Kates request

Think it's run its course now