Dating someone who you know has cheated before

[Redway]

And I make this thread acknowledging that many people here are married with grandkids, but for the ones who aren’t yet married or even married folk back in the day (i.e., before you got married), is/was known infidelity a deal-breaker for you in terms of moving forward to date someone?

[Kate!]

I'm not married, happy enough as we are and yeah it would be a definite deal breaker.

[Mystic Mock]

I voted for other, because tbh I don't really know how I would react in that kind of situation.

[Kate!]

I voted for other, because tbh I don't really know how I would react in that kind of situation.

Once a cheater always a cheater Mock. Stick to that criteria and you won't go wrong. You deserve the best.

[Mystic Mock]

Once a cheater always a cheater Mock. Stick to that criteria and you won't go wrong. You deserve the best.

Thanks Kate.:wavey:

I would probably have to chat with them about it, if they were someone that's cheated before.

[Kate!]

Thanks Kate.:wavey:

I would probably have to chat with them about it, if they were someone that's cheated before.

No point Mock, cheaters don't change.

[Mystic Mock]

No point Mock, cheaters don't change.

Fair enough.

[Kate!]

Fair enough.

Trust me, I've been there.

[Mystic Mock]

Trust me, I've been there.

I'll take your word on this topic then.

I've never experienced this scenario, so my answer is probably not the best.:laugh:

[Kate!]

I'll take your word on this topic then.

I've never experienced this scenario, so my answer is probably not the best.:laugh:

Aww. I'm glad you've not experienced it. Hope you never do. X

[Mystic Mock]

Aww. I'm glad you've not experienced it. Hope you never do. X

Thanks Kate.:wavey:

And I'm sorry that you did experience something like this, I will never understand why the other person doesn't just break up the relationship if they've met someone else.

[Kate!]

Thanks Kate.:wavey:

And I'm sorry that you did experience something like this, I will never understand why the other person doesn't just break up the relationship if they've met someone else.

They like to have their cake and eat it.

[Redway]

Thanks Kate.:wavey:

And I'm sorry that you did experience something like this, I will never understand why the other person doesn't just break up the relationship if they've met someone else.

Unfortunately, that’s life. Especially when guys be in their 20s. Courtney as a casual hang-on at Wetherspoons but Tricia on Saturdays. And so-on and so-forth. ’tis a tale as old as time.

[Mystic Mock]

Unfortunately, that’s life. Especially when guys be in their 20s. Courtney as a casual hang-on at Wetherspoons but Tricia on Saturdays. And so-on and so-forth. ’tis a tale as old as time.

That's crazy to me.

[Redway]

That's crazy to me.

I used to be in a relatively open relationship but that there (“open”) is the difference. So both of us could see other people. I don’t know whether that’s terribly common but it was technically me off-and-on for a good year or two. It wasn’t a conventional set-up, by any means.

[Glenn.]

I wouldn’t date someone who has admitted to cheating no.

[caprimint]

It really depends on the situation

[Mystic Mock]

I used to be in a relatively open relationship but that there (“open”) is the difference. So both of us could see other people. I don’t know whether that’s terribly common but it was technically me off-and-on for a good year or two. It wasn’t a conventional set-up, by any means.

I think those kinds of relationships can be quite risky.

[Redway]

I think those kinds of relationships can be quite risky.

They can be, but there’s a bit more context to it in my case, some of it quite personal. But it worked.

[Mystic Mock]

They can be, but there’s a bit more context to it in my case, some of it quite personal. But it worked.

Fair play.

[Redway]

Fair play.

Yeah. I wouldn’t say I had any regrets about that per-se. It definitely wasn’t perfect but the set-up contained those imperfections quite a bit.

[Ammi]

…when we first meet someone…in terms of a possible longer relationship developing etc…?…that generally happens because of connections of shared values and goals and ideals etc…we have shared and mutual foundations that we build on…but with someone that was known to have cheated then that would be difficult to find a shared connection…I mean obviously it’s still a possible because specifics are considerations as well but then we would be putting trust into someone who is shown to be poor in trust for the accuracy etc of those specifics, so a tricky one…

…but I guess that my thoughts are that if regardless of past, complete trust is there then it could work out…any doubts, though…then it would feel unlikely to because the seed of doubt is there…

[Cherie]

It would depend on the context, some people cheat because they have been cheated on, and for revenge, some people cheat because they are not getting what they need in the relationship they are in but are reluctant to leave either for financial reasons or kids, humans are complex, its not black and white and definately not one size fits all, people can cheat for all sorts of reasons and be regretful and never do it again so...yanno you got to decide for yourself really how much you want to invest or not

[Redway]

Does anyone-else, out of interest, have any experience being in an open relationship?

[thesheriff443]

If two people are openly having sex with other people it’s definitely not a relationship

[thesheriff443]

Two people don’t come up with the idea of an open relationship at the same
There is always one that wants it and the other person basically goes along with it

[Crimson Dynamo]

If two people are openly having sex with other people it’s definitely not a relationship

Its at best friends

[thesheriff443]

I will also add
If the idea of seeing your partner have sex with another person turns you on then you are sick in the head

[Maru]

I would have to say no because I like to have peace in my life. It's not that I'm so delicate I couldn't cope with idea of being with someone with a checkered past, but at a point it's just common sense.

It's difficult to find people who truly believe in commitment now and can actually stick with it. So I would have trouble taking someone seriously, especially if marriage is even their goal, because harmony is very important and that requires both share values I think to make that feasible.

Also, a lot of people I've known to cheat or treat relationships too casually don't really have shame in that and so seem to have no problem justifying it. I actually respect someone for not waffling when it comes to being honest with themselves with their own limitations and I've learned a lot about life from such people. I just know it would be self-torture with the way my personality is because I can never treat relationships that casually.

[Redway]

I would have to say no because I like to have peace in my life. It's not that I'm so delicate I couldn't cope with idea of being with someone with a checkered past, but at a point it's just common sense.

It's difficult to find people who truly believe in commitment now and can actually stick with it. So I would have trouble taking someone seriously, especially if marriage is even their goal, because harmony is very important and that requires both share values I think to make that feasible.

Also, a lot of people I've known to cheat or treat relationships too casually don't really have shame in that and so seem to have no problem justifying it. I actually respect someone for not waffling when it comes to being honest with themselves with their own limitations and I've learned a lot about life from such people. I just know it would be self-torture with the way my personality is because I can never treat relationships that casually.

And what would you say you’re looking for in a relationship? Is marriage always the end-sight (not saying that’s what you’re saying, but nonetheless man’s just curious, innit)?

[Niamh.]

It depends, like if they cheated when they were very young, I don't think it necessarily means they would always cheat in the future or couldn't ever change.

[thesheriff443]

And what would you say you’re looking for in a relationship? Is marriage always the end-sight (not saying that’s what you’re saying, but nonetheless man’s just curious, innit)?

She is happily married and she has made it clear in her post how she views relationships and what’s with, man’s just curious innit, nonsense ?
Man’s just nosy more like

[thesheriff443]

Relationships can fail at any stage and for many reasons, one or the other person can be to blame or a mixture of both

In general your new partner is always going to be someones ex , so you don’t get a brand new item it’s not going to be perfect

People also forgive those that have cheated on them so as they say
It’s complicated

[AnnieK]

I dont think its a black or white issue. Jeez, I wouldn't want to be tainted by mistakes I've made in the past. If there is honesty and openess in a relationship from the start, you can't ask for more. I would say there are worse traits a person can have than making a mistake in relationships past. You could miss out on the love of your life by judging them on something that could have happened years ago under circumstances you know nothing about.

Obviously if they are a player and have other red flags that would be different

[Maru]

And what would you say you’re looking for in a relationship? Is marriage always the end-sight (not saying that’s what you’re saying, but nonetheless man’s just curious, innit)?

I am married and have been with the same person for 20 years so that would probably answer your main question...

In general, I think of relationships as something that should never be treated in a trivial way or "wasted". That's true for friendships also. When someone takes the time to put their energy into you, it means something. Doubly so when it's intimate because it's a lot more energy involved than just hello/goodbye. Even if the person ends up being a giant dumpster fire, they've read into your life and contributed in some way into the understanding of your own heart and so also where you are heading. So I think of people who enter my life as people who play a part in my personal growth, so that kind of governs the types of connections I would seek. That said, my emotional track record with romantic connections was about the 6 month mark I would've gotten some kind of clue as to where it could go anywhere beyond that. So while that does color my long-term expectations quite a bit, it doesn't mean you can't have fun with that person or explore a connection. Anyway, I don't think marriage is something I could ever force from others.

(Sorry it took a while to answer. It's August weather now and so I'm struggling more with sleep)