Harry!
29-12-2007, 07:28 AM
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/;jsessionid=FARRWJPE3Q4NPQFIQMGSFFOAVCBQWIV0
January: President Pervez Musharraf of Pakistan mounts a civilian coup, seizing control of the army and declaring himself General For Life. As head of the army, he then mounts a military coup, declaring himself President For Life.
He describes the moves as "a necessary sacrifice in the war against terror". Asked at a press conference about his promised "timetable for restoring democracy", President Musharraf points to the corner of the room and says: "Look! A bee!"
A newspaper commissions Martin Amis to write 5,000 words about what it all means. "I'm flattered to be asked," he says. "But I'm afraid I don't really have any views on the subject. You'd be best off asking an expert."
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"Only joking," he adds.
February: The population of Second Life passes that of the entire continent of Africa. An independence movement argues that control of the servers should be handed over to participants in the game. Mobs of angry avatars besiege in-game branches of Gap and American Apparel.
Linden Lab, owners of the game, denounce the "cyber-terrorists" and cancel their accounts, impounding their imaginary assets. They are sued for restraint of trade, theft of intellectual property, and human rights breaches. The accounts are reinstated, and Linden Lab signs over control of the game to the rebels.
Their leader declares himself President of Second Life, and promises to hold free elections. Asked at an online press conference about the timing of the elections, President Dude-Mom-Later's avatar turns into a bee. Harold Pinter writes a poem denouncing him.
March: Footage emerges of Gordon Brown shaking hands with Chris Langham at a private party in 2006. It is found to be fake. Footage emerges of Brown kissing Ian Huntley on both cheeks during a prison visit. It is found to be fake.
Footage emerges of Gordon Brown singing Do Ya Wanna Be In My Gang?, antiphonally, with Gary Glitter, at Charles Manson's birthday party. It is later found to be fake. David Cameron wins the general election. He is later found to be fake.
April: It rains for a couple of days. Whimsical newspaper columnists quote Chaucer. The "shoures soote" continue for 40 days. Norfolk disappears under water, and stays there.
"If it hadn't been for my webbed feet," one survivor tells a local news station, "I'd of been a goner." The Prime Minister calls the fate of Norfolk "a wake-up call", demands the immediate scheduling of multilateral talks about climate change, and tasks think-tanks to focus-group a carbon tax. "It is time for action," he says.
May: Dave Dee, Dozy, Beaky, Mick and Tich announce that they are to reform to play a single gig at London's O2 in September.
June: Based on its real-world GDP, its "soft power" and its popularity, Second Life is admitted to the G8, displacing Canada. The virtual world sends a purple woman with a narwhal horn, a leather basque and improbably large breasts to the summit.
Second Life joins the World Trade Organisation and Nato. "The EU is for pussies," its ambassador says in a curiously floaty voice.
July: Google announces plans to buy a 40 per cent stake in the year 2009. April, May, June, July and "the nice, festive bit of December" will be renamed GoogleSummer, and the copyright on everything that takes place in those months will belong to Google.
Richard Branson is photographed with the Spice Girls announcing plans for a counter-offer, but nothing materialises.
August: At the Beijing Olympics, China wins 78 per cent of all the medals. Plucky self-taught Brit Stan "The Bat" Hartnell takes bronze in ping-pong, however. He becomes a national hero and appears on television with the Spice Girls. The Chinese minister for sport is fired.
After rumours of a doping scandal start to emerge, a technical fault causes a complete news blackout. All Olympic medals are later recalled after they are discovered to contain dangerously high levels of lead.
September: Ed Spamhat, newly promoted Culture Secretary, is photographed with the Spice Girls hailing the success of the 2008 Olympics as a "beacon event" that will "action the forward momentum of the inevitable 2012 London Games".
"This will be a world-class sporting beacon," he says. He announces plans to demolish Blackheath and Rotherhithe, and poo-poohs claims that costs are out of control.
He is later forced to resign after being caught trying to sell the Parthenon Marbles on eBay. China issues a profits warning. Dave Dee, Dozy, Beaky, Mick and Tich cancel their reunion concert.
October: Google buys China. Richard Branson is photographed with the Spice Girls announcing plans for a counter-offer, but nothing materialises.
November: Barack Obama wins the US elections, which coincide with the final of American Idol. Republicans in southern states demand a recount after discovering that when they voted for "the good-lookin' nigra fella" they were helping select the next president of the United States. Hillary Clinton wins American Idol.
Azeroth, imaginary setting of the online fantasy game World of Warcraft, declares war on Second Life. "Bring it, dwarf," says Second Life's ambassador. "You think you all that, with your red beard and your Mithril Meat-hammer, but you ain't. We bad nasty."
Treaty obligations signed in the summer oblige Nato forces to launch a tactical strike on World of Warcraft's Northern European servers. An estimated 100,000 people in Sweden are fatally irradiated. Azeroth is destroyed.
December: Osama bin Laden is found running a furniture shop in Dagenham. He claims to have been misunderstood. Public opinion remains strongly against him until he retains the services of Max Clifford, is photographed with the Spice Girls, and promises to appear on next year's Strictly Come Dancing.
He delivers a wacky "alternative Queen's Speech" on Channel 4, in which he calls for the immediate imposition of sharia, the summary execution of "*****-dog apostates" and the beating of immodest women "on their filthy breasts with fish-hook-studded lengths of garden hose". His ratings fall 200,000 short of the EastEnders Christmas Omnibus.
Craig Brown is away.
January: President Pervez Musharraf of Pakistan mounts a civilian coup, seizing control of the army and declaring himself General For Life. As head of the army, he then mounts a military coup, declaring himself President For Life.
He describes the moves as "a necessary sacrifice in the war against terror". Asked at a press conference about his promised "timetable for restoring democracy", President Musharraf points to the corner of the room and says: "Look! A bee!"
A newspaper commissions Martin Amis to write 5,000 words about what it all means. "I'm flattered to be asked," he says. "But I'm afraid I don't really have any views on the subject. You'd be best off asking an expert."
advertisement
"Only joking," he adds.
February: The population of Second Life passes that of the entire continent of Africa. An independence movement argues that control of the servers should be handed over to participants in the game. Mobs of angry avatars besiege in-game branches of Gap and American Apparel.
Linden Lab, owners of the game, denounce the "cyber-terrorists" and cancel their accounts, impounding their imaginary assets. They are sued for restraint of trade, theft of intellectual property, and human rights breaches. The accounts are reinstated, and Linden Lab signs over control of the game to the rebels.
Their leader declares himself President of Second Life, and promises to hold free elections. Asked at an online press conference about the timing of the elections, President Dude-Mom-Later's avatar turns into a bee. Harold Pinter writes a poem denouncing him.
March: Footage emerges of Gordon Brown shaking hands with Chris Langham at a private party in 2006. It is found to be fake. Footage emerges of Brown kissing Ian Huntley on both cheeks during a prison visit. It is found to be fake.
Footage emerges of Gordon Brown singing Do Ya Wanna Be In My Gang?, antiphonally, with Gary Glitter, at Charles Manson's birthday party. It is later found to be fake. David Cameron wins the general election. He is later found to be fake.
April: It rains for a couple of days. Whimsical newspaper columnists quote Chaucer. The "shoures soote" continue for 40 days. Norfolk disappears under water, and stays there.
"If it hadn't been for my webbed feet," one survivor tells a local news station, "I'd of been a goner." The Prime Minister calls the fate of Norfolk "a wake-up call", demands the immediate scheduling of multilateral talks about climate change, and tasks think-tanks to focus-group a carbon tax. "It is time for action," he says.
May: Dave Dee, Dozy, Beaky, Mick and Tich announce that they are to reform to play a single gig at London's O2 in September.
June: Based on its real-world GDP, its "soft power" and its popularity, Second Life is admitted to the G8, displacing Canada. The virtual world sends a purple woman with a narwhal horn, a leather basque and improbably large breasts to the summit.
Second Life joins the World Trade Organisation and Nato. "The EU is for pussies," its ambassador says in a curiously floaty voice.
July: Google announces plans to buy a 40 per cent stake in the year 2009. April, May, June, July and "the nice, festive bit of December" will be renamed GoogleSummer, and the copyright on everything that takes place in those months will belong to Google.
Richard Branson is photographed with the Spice Girls announcing plans for a counter-offer, but nothing materialises.
August: At the Beijing Olympics, China wins 78 per cent of all the medals. Plucky self-taught Brit Stan "The Bat" Hartnell takes bronze in ping-pong, however. He becomes a national hero and appears on television with the Spice Girls. The Chinese minister for sport is fired.
After rumours of a doping scandal start to emerge, a technical fault causes a complete news blackout. All Olympic medals are later recalled after they are discovered to contain dangerously high levels of lead.
September: Ed Spamhat, newly promoted Culture Secretary, is photographed with the Spice Girls hailing the success of the 2008 Olympics as a "beacon event" that will "action the forward momentum of the inevitable 2012 London Games".
"This will be a world-class sporting beacon," he says. He announces plans to demolish Blackheath and Rotherhithe, and poo-poohs claims that costs are out of control.
He is later forced to resign after being caught trying to sell the Parthenon Marbles on eBay. China issues a profits warning. Dave Dee, Dozy, Beaky, Mick and Tich cancel their reunion concert.
October: Google buys China. Richard Branson is photographed with the Spice Girls announcing plans for a counter-offer, but nothing materialises.
November: Barack Obama wins the US elections, which coincide with the final of American Idol. Republicans in southern states demand a recount after discovering that when they voted for "the good-lookin' nigra fella" they were helping select the next president of the United States. Hillary Clinton wins American Idol.
Azeroth, imaginary setting of the online fantasy game World of Warcraft, declares war on Second Life. "Bring it, dwarf," says Second Life's ambassador. "You think you all that, with your red beard and your Mithril Meat-hammer, but you ain't. We bad nasty."
Treaty obligations signed in the summer oblige Nato forces to launch a tactical strike on World of Warcraft's Northern European servers. An estimated 100,000 people in Sweden are fatally irradiated. Azeroth is destroyed.
December: Osama bin Laden is found running a furniture shop in Dagenham. He claims to have been misunderstood. Public opinion remains strongly against him until he retains the services of Max Clifford, is photographed with the Spice Girls, and promises to appear on next year's Strictly Come Dancing.
He delivers a wacky "alternative Queen's Speech" on Channel 4, in which he calls for the immediate imposition of sharia, the summary execution of "*****-dog apostates" and the beating of immodest women "on their filthy breasts with fish-hook-studded lengths of garden hose". His ratings fall 200,000 short of the EastEnders Christmas Omnibus.
Craig Brown is away.