The Joke Thread

[MR.K!]

http://i31.tinypic.com/2hq49xc.jpg

This is a joke thread for all who feel like posting jokes... il start it off....

Kevin walked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM.

He sat down next to this blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV.

The 10:00 news was on and the news crew was covering a story of a man
on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.

The blonde looked at Kevin and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"

Kevin says, "Yes, I bet he'll jump." The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he
won't."

Kevin placed £20 on the bar and said, "You're on!"

Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive
off the building, falling to his death.

The blonde was very upset and handed her £20 to Kevin, saying, "Fair's
fair. Here's your money."

Kevin replied, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier On the 6:00
o'clock news and knew he would jump."

The blonde said, "I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again."

Kevin took the money...

[Shaun]

LMAO.

[FictitiousHouse]

Q: What do you call a blonde with a high IQ?
A: As if!

[MR.K!]

lol

[FictitiousHouse]

Originally posted by KRA!G
lol

Thanks. My wife is a blonde and if I dont follow that joke with one which will make her laugh I shall be in a spot of bother :shocked:

Q What do men and beer bottles have in common?
A They’re both empty from the neck up!

[MR.K!]

Why do farts smell ??...

so deaf people can enjoy them too !!

[FictitiousHouse]

Originally posted by KRA!G
Why do farts smell ??...

so deaf people can enjoy them too !!

Hey, my farts dont smell :sad: only the liquid ones :laugh:

[Shaun]

As Scampi will know, my sense of humour is perhaps a little too controversial to post here.

[Sticks]

David Cameron
Gordon Brown
Nick Clegg
Alex Salmond

Take your pick?

[molecular]

a man came home from pub and walked upstairs to the bedroom, he saw his wife asleep in bed so thought hed give her a surprise. he went under the duvet from the bottom of the bed and slowly crept up parted her legs and gave her fanny a good licking. when he finished he went into bathroom and to his horror saw his wife takin her make up off. WHAT THE HELL YOU DOIN IN HERE!! he screamed..sshhhh youll wake your mother, she said.
:joker:

[LargeAndInCharge]

what u call a girl with one leg?


eyleene

[Kevin]

Why did the man cross the road?

To get to the other side.

:joker::joker::joker::joker::joker::joker::joker:: joker::joker:
:laugh2::laugh2::laugh2::laugh2::laugh2::laugh2::l augh2:
Oh my God, comedian 'ere! :bigsmile:

[MR.K!]

Originally posted by molecular
a man came home from pub and walked upstairs to the bedroom, he saw his wife asleep in bed so thought hed give her a surprise. he went under the duvet from the bottom of the bed and slowly crept up parted her legs and gave her fanny a good licking. when he finished he went into bathroom and to his horror saw his wife takin her make up off. WHAT THE HELL YOU DOIN IN HERE!! he screamed..sshhhh youll wake your mother, she said.
:joker: ewwwww ! :yuk:

[KKBL]

Originally posted by KRA!G
Originally posted by molecular
a man came home from pub and walked upstairs to the bedroom, he saw his wife asleep in bed so thought hed give her a surprise. he went under the duvet from the bottom of the bed and slowly crept up parted her legs and gave her fanny a good licking. when he finished he went into bathroom and to his horror saw his wife takin her make up off. WHAT THE HELL YOU DOIN IN HERE!! he screamed..sshhhh youll wake your mother, she said.
:joker: ewwwww ! :yuk:

LMFAO:laugh2:

[Jack]

I went to the gym the other day and spent hours on a new machine until it made me sick.....



.....I had 3 KitKats, a Snickers, 2 Mars bars and 5 packets of crisps. :bigsmile:

[Jackie]

Doctor Doctor i think im invisible

Next:spin2:

[Dan_]

What do you call 1000 nuns in a record shop? Virgin Megastore.

[Xander]

Originally posted by Kevin
Why did the man cross the road?

To get to the other side.

:joker::joker::joker::joker::joker::joker::joker:: joker::joker:
:laugh2::laugh2::laugh2::laugh2::laugh2::laugh2::l augh2:
Oh my God, comedian 'ere! :bigsmile:

Lol:tongue:

Adapting on that joke.

Why did the cow cross the road?
To get to the udder side.

:laugh:

[MR.K!]

yo mamma's so ugly, when she entered a ugly competition they said ' sorry no proffesionals'

Yo Mamma's so stupid she stayed in the grocery store for one day looking at a can of orange juice just because it said concentrate.

yo Mamma's so fat that when she wears a yellow coat people shout 'taxi'

[Nicky.]

There was an English man, Scotts man and an Irishman, and they are all robbing a bank.
They come out the bank, loaded with money, when suddenly they hear sirens of a police car..
'Run!!' said the English man, which they did, after about 5 minutes they think they stop, but the sirens are getting closer and closer!
'what are we going to do?' says the Scottsman
They see some sacks on the side of the road..
'Lets get in them says' the irish man, so the three men get in.

The policemen come up to the sacks, picks up the one with the Englishman in
'Meow'
' It ok.. its only a cat' says the Policeman

They move onto the Next sack.. the Scottsman is in it..
'Woof'
'Its ok' says the Policeman 'its only a dog'

They go on to the next sack, the Irishman is inside

'Potatoes!'

[Kevin]

Originally posted by Xander
Originally posted by Kevin
Why did the man cross the road?

To get to the other side.

:joker::joker::joker::joker::joker::joker::joker:: joker::joker:
:laugh2::laugh2::laugh2::laugh2::laugh2::laugh2::l augh2:
Oh my God, comedian 'ere! :bigsmile:

Lol:tongue:

Adapting on that joke.

Why did the cow cross the road?
To get to the udder side.

:laugh:
lol xD!

Distasteful joke:
Jeremy Beadle got cremated. You've been flamed...

:sad:

[Shaun]

Even more distasteful joke:


What's the difference between Madeline McCann and the terrorist who tried to bomb Glasgow Airport?

One died more singed, the other died sore-minged.

[Kevin]

Originally posted by Shaun
Even more distasteful joke:


What's the difference between Madeline McCann and the terrorist who tried to bomb Glasgow Airport?

One died more singed, the other died sore-minged.

Oh my God, LIRL!

*Blush*

[Tom]

I got a lot of jokes in bad taste. This first lot are all sexist jokes (which I am not btw :tongue:) There are loads. These are just a few that came to me when typing

Why do women live longer than men?
Because God adds them the time that they wasted on parking.

Why did the woman cross the road?
Thats not the question, why is she away from the hoover, cooker or sink?

What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side

Why don't women need a driving license?
Theres no road between the bedroom and the kitchen

Why do women have small feet?
So they can get nearer to the sink

What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?
Nothing shes already been told twice.

Whats the similarity between a woman and a laxative?
They both irritate the crap out of you.

And another one in quite bad taste :thumbs: Its to do with well known but not liked people ...

Just moved into a new house. But its a rough area! Myra Hindley is the avon lady, Fred West is the gardener, Louise Woodward is the babysitter, Harold Shipman is my new GP, Gary Glitter runs the local nursery and the McCanns run the holiday club!

[Sam!]

Originally posted by Shaun
Even more distasteful joke:


What's the difference between Madeline McCann and the terrorist who tried to bomb Glasgow Airport?

One died more singed, the other died sore-minged.

Oh gosh not as bad as mine ey Shaun but I won't be posting that Maddeline Mccan one cause its rather bad.

One more funny:

Whats the difference between you and a brick?

A brick gets layed

[MR.K!]

Little April was asleep in class. The teacher decided to try to catch her out and asks 'tell me April, who created the universe?', when April didnt stir, her friend little Johnny jabbed her in the back with a pen, 'GOD ALMIGHTY!' shouted april. a little later the teacher asks her 'who is our saviour?' johnny again prods her with a pen and april shouts 'JESUS CHRIST!' the teacher was determined to catch her asleep and asks 'what did eve say to adam after she had their 23rd child?' johnny again comes to the rescue and jabs april who screams 'IF YOU STICK THAT ****ING THING IN ME ONCE MORE, ILL BREAK IT IN HALF AND SHOVE IT UP YOUR ARSE!!!' the teacher fainted.

[Kevin]

Originally posted by KRA!G
Little April was asleep in class. The teacher decided to try to catch her out and asks 'tell me April, who created the universe?', when April didnt stir, her friend little Johnny jabbed her in the back with a pen, 'GOD ALMIGHTY!' shouted april. a little later the teacher asks her 'who is our saviour?' johnny again prods her with a pen and april shouts 'JESUS CHRIST!' the teacher was determined to catch her asleep and asks 'what did eve say to adam after she had their 23rd child?' johnny again comes to the rescue and jabs april who screams 'IF YOU STICK THAT ****ing THING IN ME ONCE MORE, ILL BREAK IT IN HALF AND SHOVE IT UP YOUR ****!!!' the teacher fainted.
Lmao!!

:laugh2:

[MR.K!]

What did the elephant say to the naked man?
.................................................. ..................
How do you breathe through that thing?

[northcircular]

Poor guy
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"