HM's, the jokes on them

[AngRemembered]

Luke

Whilst dancing in the garden Rebecca slipped and fell getting her head stuck between the bars of the heaven/hell divide it caused a real panic but to her rescue Dale arrived first.
After reading the BB safety manual he thought he'd take full advatage of Bex's plight with his own improvised Heimlich Manoever, even better he thought if he took of his trousers:whistle:

Getting close behind Rebecca his arms wrapped round her waist he heaved for all his might, she screamed louder, he gently tried rocking her back and forth her screams turned to soft moaning.
Dale was in heaven, and was enjoying this rescue absolutely when he saw Luke coming towards him, he called out.
"Hey, Luke this is fantastic dude come on here quick you can have a go, you cant miss out on this man"
Luke rushed over to get a closer look, whilst Dale continued his rythmic thrusting motions in order to help Bex get released.
"Luke!! C'mon man hurry up you dont wanna miss this chance what the hell you playing at get some of this quick" cried a frantic Dale who was tiring fast from his exersions.

Luke looked up at him sobbing and whined.........
"oh Dale, try as might I just can't seem to get my head through the railings"


Rex

Kat and Rachel were standing by a bus stop when Rex pulled up in his brand new BMW convertable.
"Hi ladies, Its a lovely day I'm off for a round of golf with Jonathon Ross, can I give you two a ride in my nice new car"? he asked
"No thanks" they said but both remarked on how lovely a car it was, they were both impressed, suddenly Kat noticed to little pins on the passenger seat.
"Rex my darling what are these two things" she asked.
"Oh they are tees to rest my balls on when I'm driving" replied an exited Rex.
"Oh WOW" said Kat, "It is so good BMW think of everything now to make you comfortable on your journey"

more to come on the other HM's soon

[TJBump]

:laugh2::laugh2::laugh2::laugh2:

[rayheartbliss]

heeeeeeeee

[Mimsy]

:hugesmile::hugesmile::hugesmile:

[Tyrannosaurus_Rex]

Where are you getting these from?

[AngRemembered]

Originally posted by Tyrannosaurus_Rex
Where are you getting these from?

Just jokes Ive heard in my time, and I'm bored and still nobody is letting me go home, :sad::bawling:

[TJBump]

can i borrow your jokes please:bigsmile:

[AngRemembered]

Rex

A penguin straddles in to Rex's new restraunt, real down on his luck and asks Rex.
"Will you please help me, Ive recently discovered my long lost brother is living in this area and today Ive heard he often comes in here, as we were seperated in the north pole some 20 years ago I'm eager to meet him again, its been a long time.

Rex, looked down his nose at the poor penguin and said
"Well I pride myself on running a upper class establishment with some of the worlds best known celebrity clientele in the land, this is a 5 star restraunt, silver service one of five that I have now all opened by the worls leading sheff's so I dont like my businesses used for trivial family reuinions, to put it bluntly I don't suffer fools lightly.
However you seem a nice case, and you've caught me in a good mood, so, I'll help you,

Ok, so tell me, what does he look like"?

[AngRemembered]

Mario

Lisa was in the kitchen when Mario came in and pinched her bottom, and said
"You know Lisa if you toned that up some more, you could get rid of that girdle"
Lisa felt like screaming but managed to bite her lip, this time.
An hour passes and they are lying on the sofa together arm in arm, Mario then puts his hand on her boob and squeezes, he smirks and says
"You know Lisa if you firmed them boobs up you could get rid of all them big wired bra's" this was far to much to take so Lisa jumped up and garbbed Mario by the crothch and yelled.

"You know Mario, if you firmed this up a bit I could stop seeing Stuart, Dale, and Rex on a regular basis while your at work"

[AngRemembered]

Originally posted by TJBump
can i borrow your jokes please:bigsmile:

Course you can, there probably someone elses anyway :joker:

[LemonJam]

Hahahaha, loving it Angiebabe :laugh:

Hope they let you out soon safe and sound :thumbs:

[AngRemembered]

Originally posted by LemonJam
Hahahaha, loving it Angiebabe :laugh:

Hope they let you out soon safe and sound :thumbs:

Aww thank you....:kiss:
last night it really got me down being told I could not go home, and I lost my temper, so came out here ranting madly. Today is plan B, cover my frustration of hospitals with jokes ...hope there not to bad:whistle::tongue::blush2:

Ok, another

Stuart

Whilst walking through a hotel lobby Stuart accidently knocks a gorgeous blonde girl straight in the chest with his elbow. He's fraut with guilt and really sorry, he says

"oh i appologise sweet heart, I dint mean to do that, but if your heart is a soft and tender as your breast, I know you'll forgive me"
The young lady looked at him and winked saying.
"Its Ok, and if your penis is as hard as your elbow I'm in room 103"

[AngRemembered]

Luke

Whats the difference between Luke and a battery?

A battery has a positive side.

[AngRemembered]

Mohammed

Whats the difference between Mo and child birth.

One is excruciating pain alomost unbearable to put up with, the other is having a baby.

Rebecca and Luke

Whats the difference between Bex and Luke / computer
Bex wont take a 3.5 inch floppy

Maysoon, and Kat

Whats the difference between the model Maysoon and Kat
about 8 more pints of lager.


Dale,

Whats the differece between Dale and a piece of cheese
the cheese matures

Luke,

Whats the difference between Luke and a photo
The photo comes fully developed

[AirWalk]

Looool your funny :bigsmile:

[AngRemembered]

Darnell

Darnell was having a heart to heart with his old mate Mohammed about his woman troubles, the fact that every time he got near a girl he would ruin it by getting an over active hardening of his penis, and it would embarrass him so much it prevented him from saying anything to them as they just laugh at him.
Darnell was very annoyed, and frustrated, and it was worse now as there other friend Rex had set him up on a date with another fellow ex HM Rachel that weekend.
Mo thought, and then had a great idea, "hey do what I did once, get some sticky tape and just strap your John Thomas to your leg, it woked so well for me, I now have 2 woman I can talk to and, one actually kissed me last week" he said exitedly (although he was lying, who would ever kiss MO?)

"Thats a great idea Mo, your such a good friend, thanks pal" said a happy Darnell.

A week later they met again and Mo, could'nt wait to ask.
"Hey, Darnell how did the date go did you try the sticky tape trick on your willy when you met Rachel?
Darnell went bright red with embarrassment, "hmmmm yes I did," he answered.
"So what happend" asked Mo
"Well I taped my penis tightly to my leg got dressed up and went round to Rachels house on time, she answered the door I said hi, its me your date for the evening and Rachel said great and smiled she was lovely"

"So, whats the problem then Darnell"? screamed Mo
Darnell held his head in shame and replied "Well I sortta lost control straight after that and kicked her in the face"

[Rocko]

I didn't get them at first. I thought they were descriptions of live feeds.

LMAO.

[AngRemembered]

Originally posted by Rocko
I didn't get them at first. I thought they were descriptions of live feeds.

LMAO.

LOL:joker: live feed, nope just me on hospital watch and bored as hell, but at least I'm live:whistle:

Anyway good news, I've been allowed to go home tomorrow!!!!

:elephant::cheer2::thumbs::wavey::bouncy::banana:: cheer::dance::laugh::thumbs2::xyxwave::thumbs::che er2::kiss::hug::tongue::joker::elephant:

[Fom]

haha i got that stuart one on a birthday card once :P
Very funny, cheers for these they are making my day. Tell the hospital staff there is currently an angry mob running towards the hospital with forks and torches.

edit: Seems like the sensed my threat before i could even post it ;)

[AngRemembered]

Originally posted by Fom
haha i got that stuart one on a birthday card once :P
Very funny, cheers for these they are making my day. Tell the hospital staff there is currently an angry mob running towards the hospital with forks and torches.

:joker: oh I will now:thumbs:

[AngRemembered]

Rachel

Rachel had become so boring to live with her boyfriend had decided it may be best if they slept in seperate rooms, so reluctantly Rachel moved into the spare room very upset.
One night however her boyfriend was feeling real horny so from his bed he called out to Rachel
"Oh, my little boopey-boo, I miss you sweety piesy wisey Rachy"
Rachel sprang up immediately with a big beaming smile, and quickly rushed to his room, but as she dashed in with exitement she tripped on one of the 10 million grape pips on her bedroom floor and screamed out in pain.
Her boyfrinend came in and carried her to his bed.
"Oh" he said charmingly, "Did my little honey woney hurt her ickle pickle nosey wosey on that horridy floory worey, awwww honey diddy piddies"

Rachels tears suddenly stop and the grin beams once again on her face, she looks at him deeply and they make mad passionate love for well over 2 mins 47 seconds.

After its over, he turns over to go to sleep and Rachel decides to go back to her room and call Kat to brag that she had sex again ha-ha, she tip toes out of the room and slips on the one un eaten grape she was keeping for a special occasion and falls flat on her nose again.

This time her boyfriend lifts his head up from the pillow and shouts,
"Oi, Rachel is that you again you clumsy bitch"

[TJBump]

Great jokes angiebabe :hugesmile:

[AngRemembered]

Originally posted by TJBump
Great jokes angiebabe :hugesmile:

Awww thanks TJBump:wink:

And more, LOL, I am asking almost everyone in the hospital to share a joke here now, all have the same or cant think of one so, I'll carry on alone :whistle:

Luke
He likes to masterbate so often as its the only way he can get sex with someone he really loves

Mo
Did you know he cant make Pancakes, because he's a useless tosser.

[AngRemembered]

After seeing him again tonight I had to leave another for....

Luke

Against popular belief God actually created woman first and he gave Eve 3 breasts not the two most believe.
After a few days though she soon found this awkward and asked God if he could remove one as it was really not needed at all.
So God did just that and removed the unwanted middle boob, and, as an extra surprise decided to grant Eve a wish of anything she wanted to make up for the loss.
She immediately said "Oh, yes I'd like to have what all the animals have, a partner a friend, someone to talk to, I want a man and I want one like i dreamed, one like Luke.

God said "of course you may have a guy exactly like Luke"

then god thought, now where did I throw away that useless t*t

[AngRemembered]

Dale

Which part of Dale grows the more you stroke it?

His ego

[AngRemembered]

Luke

Luke is visiting the Doc for a check up when the doc notices his penis has turned yellow.
"oh dear" says the Doc, "Do you work with chemicals?
"Nope" replied Luke looking confused.
"I see" said the Doc, "Do you smoke then"?
"Oh no way, thats a disgusting habit" shouted Luke.
Well said the baffled Doctor, "Can you explain how you've got a yellow penis"?
Luke became silent and started to blush, then answered.
" hmmmm I dunno Doc, I just sit at home watching porno videos whilst eating cheesy puffs"

[AngRemembered]

Dale

Dale has now started using viagra eye drops so he can look hard

[AngRemembered]

Luke

Why does Luke whistle when he's sat on the loo?

So he can remember which end to wipe when he's finished.

[melanie]

Originally posted by Angiebabe
Luke
He likes to masterbate so often as its the only way he can get sex with someone he really loves


I love that one! :laugh:

[AngRemembered]

Mo

Whats the difference between Mohammed and a Brussels sprout...
One is tasteless and smells of stale farts the other is a nutritious vegetable

[AngRemembered]

Stuart

Whats the difference between Stu and a bird
A bird can whistle through its pecker

[AngRemembered]

Dennis

How do you stop Dennis from spitting
Turn down the heat on the grill

[iow97]

well done angiebabe.:spin2:

[AngRemembered]

Originally posted by iow97
well done angiebabe.:spin2:

Awww thank you, :kiss: hope these are'nt to painful for the rest of you, but if they make me laugh I'll post em here.

OK, one for Mikey:whistle:

Mikey decides to go get his pay as you go phone top up at his local O2 shop, without realising since he's been in the BB house the shop has now moved and been replaced bt a massgae parlour.

Mikey steps inside the shop and what he thinks is the sales assistant is hot Zoe a buxom blonde masseuse, who welcomes him immediatley.
"Good afternoon honey, my your looking handsome today" she swoons at him.
Mikey completely unaware of the change is non the wiser to this friendler service, and answers
"Oh thankyou, so many paeople are recognising me now, but handsome thats being cheeky, anyway I'm fine and I'm glad to have made your day too honey"

Zoe, puts on a broad smile and asks, "well then handsome what service plan can we give you today, and how much are you going to paying"
"Well, I was going to take my usual package, but as you've been very sweet to me I think I'm going to go for a delux bundle and see how far £5 goes, for the week" replied Mikey, still thinking this was a phone top up not a massge parlour.

Zoe's smile turns to confusion and dissapointment she was sure she had a genuine punter who would be taking advantage of her full line of extras, she slammed shut the appoinment book and yelled to her collegue in the back room.

"Oi Babs, we got another not interested in me, so can you pass us the cat and a tube of KY Jelly, I'll show them both to the cloakroom for half an hour.