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I hate Grand Theft Auto IV.

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Posted 08-12-2009 at 06:44 PM by Stu
Updated 08-12-2009 at 06:48 PM by Stu

I hate Grand Theft Auto IV. It has to be said here, as well as in the title, for maximum effect and damage radius infliction. They say not to judge a book by it's cover. Likewise, please do not judge this article, or more to the point, it's writer, by the title. Well, actually, do, if your judgment is ''Wow, this guy really, really hates Grand Theft Auto IV'' because my friend you would be, or will be, or have been absolutely, one hundred per cent, tip of the top, knock off the block RIGHT in that said judgment.

It matters not how good Grand Theft Auto IV looks. It matters not how Grand Theft Auto IV plays out. It matters not what the characters are like. It matters not how many Burger Shots or Cluckin' Bell Chickens you can shoot up with two Uzi's [good luck with that, there are no double wielding of Uzi's in this game] when your mate waits to act as a getaway driver in online, multiplayer freeplay. No. All these things matter utterly butterly jack **** when measured up to how Grand Theft Auto IV feels. How it moves. How it plays. How it ejaculates it's virtual semen into your pleasure receptors in that head of yours.

Grand Theft Auto IV feels like ****. Grand Theft Auto IV plays like ****. Grand Theft Auto IV is Grand Theft Auto III, with slightly more features, a pension, a zimmer frame and a goddamn chest infection, brought on by the rapid onset of gaming AIDS. I know my opinion is not fact here, but how so many of you manage to PLAY it and LIKE it absolutely astounds me, hence the nature of my sardonic tone and the very writing of this here abhorrent article.

GTA IV was one of the most hyped games ever. Right up there with Final Fantasy VII, Metal Gear Solid 2, and Mario Party 8. Rockstar would deliver. We knew it. It was not a case of ''this is sure to be one of the greatest games of all time''. Sure to be? Take your sure to be and shove it up your hypercritical, sure to be ass. The game was a long time in the making, as we were drip fed with tales of supporting characters [Liberty City Stories, a better game than GTA IV] and a reluctant black pseudo goodguy with a horrible dress sense [Vice City Stories, a better game than GTA IV]. The game was massively hyped because it was the turning over of a new leaf, heralding the death of the GTA III universe of games and the arrival of the GTA IV universe of games. On two next generation systems. Online. In glorious HD.

Upon release the game was met with universal acclaim and everybody not named Jack Thompson was willingly opening there wallet, sick day unused excuse database, and sense of morality to play, love and demolish the game of the mothatruckin' decade. I was amongst that crowd. Then things changed. Things changed amazingly fast. Things that shook me to the core, had me questioning my own self worth as a gamer and overall opinion of the world we live in and life in general. However through the medium of such social interaction tools as Google I soon discovered that I was not alone. A lot of people, like me, loved the everloving **** out of GTA IV, got to the second island, suddenly felt interest slipping away, then BAM!

And what a 'BAM!' it was. Nothing at all like Margera.

You see, Niko Bellic moves like a fucking tank. Niko Bellic moves with all the grace of a Resident Evil character with a wooden leg, a bruised ballbag, and the neck of Stone Cold Steve Austin. Even when running, this super duper 'realistic' game system renders Niko to tears as he stumbles around like a drunk man on a carousel, looking for his contact lenses and getting pelted with ice cream cones by unruly kids. Niko turns like a plane in the sky would turn, falls over dustbins and street curbs, and looks far too small and, well, realistic in proportion to the rest of the world.

But never mind the running. You wont be running without the aid of pressing down a button. No, Niko walks by default. And I aint' talking about no coked up pimp swagger, I am talking about a very, very slow walk similar to the walk a turtle on it's deathbed might muster up to shag his turtle wife one last bittersweet time before the coked up, pimp turtle employs her for her assets, service and commitment to customer care. I have to hold down a button to walk. All the time. Except in multiplayer. I have not done that since Final Fantasy VII in NINETEEN NINETY FUCKING SEVEN. But do you know what? Final Fantasy VII was not a pick up and play, action packed fast paced crime romp. No. It was fucking awesome in it's own way and future 'sequels' would have you running by default. Squaresoft did not allow you to run in a previous installment and have you walking along by default in the next game. Why? Because that's called GOING FUCKING BACKWARDS!

And going backwards knows no speed. Now then.

Cars. And not the good kind, featuring a certain Gary Numan, no. GTA IV's cars handle like crap. It is impossible, not skill related, but flat out IMPOSSIBLE to make some turns at some speeds some missions require without crashing and flopping about the place into indestructible trees [what happened to the fetish for realism?] like a fucking day tripper walking on a floor made entirely of some sort of jelly. Can I just leave it at that? Sure, you get used to how horrible it all is, but if you think GTA IV's car handling is an improvement, your a dirty liar with a fetish for realism. For more info, see the indestructible trees. Fuck you.

It all goes back to that one word. Realism.

I don't want my games to be realistic. Especially not a game centering around the concept of going on killing sprees without a national lockdown or padded cell time in sight. Games for me are a breakaway from reality, into the world of fiction. A world that feeds an unlimited imagination to be used in reality to write articles such as this and so on. Even the realistic Liberty City is ****. I said it. Come on, folks, how many colors do you think actually exist in the map. Four? How many of them are not shades of brown or grey? How annoying are the twisy, uninspired streets? The ones you navigate like an Owen Hart Piledriver victim? The lack of fun, open space areas to fuck around in like San Andreas? And that fucking TICKET BOOTH you ALWAYS crash through to get a one star wanted level. The wanted level system which revolves around you trying to outrun a fucking RED CIRCLE.

The side missions are boring. Realistic, too. Nothing like bowling after blowing up a fucking police car. The phone system is a mess. And yes, you can switch it to sleep mode, but that's missing the point. It's very existence, that of the whole socializing system, sucks a cock of disinterest. My cock of disinterest. The clothes Niko can choose between are something straight from a Salvation Army warehouse. Gone are the choices. Gone are the hairstyles. Gone are the tattoos. This is Rockstars NYC story, dammit, and you will play as ROCKSTARS ****ty anti hero the way ROCKSTAR want you to. That goes against the very idea of an open world game.

And what a rubbish anti hero he is, too. A chip on the shoulder Eastern European stereotype who wants to set things right and be a goodguy, with the handicap being he took the starring role in a game where doing horrible things to both good and horrible people sort of takes center stage. The same can be said of Carl Johnson, sure, but his ethos, his story, his style, it was yours. It was not scripted in advance and shoved down your face. The rest of the characters are largely unmemorable. Vlad is a humorous feller, as is Brucie, as is Little Jacob, if only for the whole 420 thing I can laugh at when I play the game stoned. Something I never do because I like to play fun games when I am stoned. Because being stoned is fun and it's a synchronicity issue.

Roman makes me want to eat my hands to prevent me from walking into another cutscene he partakes in. The Russian gangsters are generic as generic can be. And who else have we? I don't know because I genuinely have forgotten them. That black overweight drug dealer, the Irish dude, somebody else. Who cares. They are all boring, ordinary criminals. No Truth, no Wu-Zi, no Luigi, heck no Kenji, even. Kenji kicks ass, don't deny it. The radio stations are shorter than before, it seems, especially the chat stations, which are the most unfunny in the games history [the ENTIRE comedy angle in the game is anti-republicanism]. Even the great Lazlow sucks a fucking fuck in this game, being a largely unfunny faux celebrity with a bad temper and a prima donna persona on the station 'Intergrity 2.0'.

And now, friends, I am getting bored. And when I get bored, I smoke dope and play Saints Row 2. Or flame Courtney's threads.
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  1. Old Comment
    I haven't played it but I just can't care to, The last GTA I really enjoyed was Vice City I just didn't care for SA or the psp games.

    Ironically though I do love the Saints Row games.
    Posted 09-12-2009 at 03:02 AM by Tom4784 Tom4784 is offline
  2. Old Comment
    arista's Avatar
    Stu GTA4
    is out of this world in 1080P
    you can use M16 machine Guns
    infact you can play it any way you want to, the images are second to none.

    Amyone who has not played GTA4 - try and check it out.

    Its the fact that you can do what you want in the game
    no restrictions
    thats what makes it cool.
    Posted 09-12-2009 at 06:04 PM by arista arista is online now
  3. Old Comment
    arista's Avatar
    Error double posting
    Posted 09-12-2009 at 06:08 PM by arista arista is online now
  4. Old Comment
    Enid's Avatar
    Wrong, arista. GTA has very linear gameplay. Oh yeah, sure, you can go hijack car and run over some people but how long are you going to do that before the novelty wears of? I got bored of that game because if the repetitive story. Go pick up this guy and drop him of at some place. Go shoot some people.
    Posted 09-12-2009 at 06:37 PM by Enid Enid is offline
  5. Old Comment
    arista's Avatar
    But Enid I have My own story
    I take over the Hospital
    The Cops come down and I have to Shoot them all.
    I have a Saw version all the half dead cops I set Alight
    and they Burn alive.

    In that Hospital
    I go down a long Corridor
    so I know who is arriving to try to kill me
    it is never the same
    and when I first enter to get the Cops down and after me
    I beat up the Nurses
    'They say to me - Do Your Worst'
    and I do.

    So it is Like Rambo - Clint Eastwood
    and a bit of the Saw film

    On my own Design of the Game.
    Taking the MI6 Machine Guns is Fun.
    Posted 10-12-2009 at 04:33 PM by arista arista is online now
  6. Old Comment
    andyman's Avatar
    I hope Dezzy falls into a deep sleep and never wakes up..

    The GTAIV world is dam good, great living organic feel to the city.. But the fun was left out and Saints Row has bags off but the city and graphics is piss poor.
    Posted 15-12-2009 at 03:06 AM by andyman andyman is offline

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