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Hamiltön: A Finnish Musical
Act One, Scene One
"Alexsaara Hamiltön"
It's the hottest new musical in town. That town being Hull. Below is a partial picture of the cast, each badly-photoshopped face more horrifying than the last. See? I'm rhyming already.
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The stage is dimly lit. From a single spotlight, DERMOT O’LEARY
emerges, dressed in some dashing 18th century clobber.
DERMOT O’LEARY:
How does a Finnish songstress, unblessed, unloved and
second-guessed, grow thick skin and go west
to the UK, where she’s heckled by her detractors,
yet stands tall and finishes second in The X Factor?
From behind him, SIMON COWELL
emerges, wearing a rather fitting little waistcoat-and-collar combo. And high-waisted trousers, obvs.
SIMON COWELL:
She’s loved music from a young age
But now it’s time to turn a new page
Backstage, pressure builds,
lesser singers crumble and fall,
but not our Saara when she’s come so far, no, not at all
LOUIS WALSH
then flies down from the ceiling on a glittery crescent moon, with one of Brooks Way sat uncomfortably in his lap.
LOUIS WALSH:
And every day while rejects were dissected, henpecked
until we broke them, our Finn did not joke around
Her feet stayed on the ground, grounded, kind and friendly,
trying each day to win and be like a young Lenny Henry
In the background, sepia tone images of Saara’s X Factor journey flicker on the walls. This nostalgic effect is ruined somewhat when RYLAN CLARK-NEAL
dances onto the stage in high heels to Gangnam Style.
RYLAN CLARK-NEAL:
Then bootcamp came, then the six chair challenge,
from which wildcard Saara made it through to judges’ houses
She did not let her strife overrule her, she picked herself up
and stood up, like Westlife members off a stool, yeah
A stagehand drags a clearly drunk SHARON OSBOURNE
onto the stage, where she just kind of lies on the floor, like an unconscious mop.
SHARON OSBOURNE:
Well the word got round, “oi Sharon, here’s your next act!”
And back then I’d had too much Prosecco to remember
But like an echo in my brain, like a scent, a spark, an ember,
it made up for what my memory lacked, and through she went
The world would soon know her name! What’s your name, love?
(...no, seriously, I’ve forgotten. Susie something?)
Everyone else’s spotlights turn to black and a single spotlight focuses on SAARA AALTO
(who unfortunately is not a contralto, as it would make this whole rhyming thing that bit easier), who is stood alone at the back of the stage, dressed uncannily like Lin-Manuel Miranda.
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SAARA AALTO:
Alexsaara Hamiltön
My name is Alexsaara Hamiltön
Well, actually I’m called Saara Aalto
But that’ll just have to wait, have to wait
SUSAN BOYLE
climbs onto the stage and makes the most of her moment.
SUSAN BOYLE:
I dreamed a dream in time gone by
When hope was high and life worth livi-
Wait, what do you mean it’s the wrong musical?
It’s all olden days stuff, in’t it?
Once Susan has been ushered away, a chair swivels around to reveal MATT EDMONDSON
, like a rubbish Bond villain.
MATT EDMONDSON:
Things were going well at first, she had all the luck,
but then the worst tragedy struck in the live shows
Our Finnish rose nearly struck down, too soon, too quick,
With the public something simply didn’t click
The COMPANY
– made up of Wagner, Eoghan Quigg, Bupsi, Chloe Jasmine, Kitty Brucknell, Rachel Adedeji, Shelley Smith, that girl who’s been singing all round the towns and everyfin' and said she’s better than Madonna, Brian Friedman, one half of Ablisa, Katie Waissel’s gran and Konnie Huq – step forward.
COMPANY:
Thank god she got saved over Bratavio, the pricks
Suddenly, lightning strikes, representing a tumultuous point in Saara’s X Factor journey. From the smoke (I know lightning doesn’t produce smoke but I’m using artistic license, darling) emerges one of the villains of the piece, the dastardly NICOLE SCHERZINGER,
hoping to crush poor Saara’s dreams even more.
NICOLE SCHERZINGER and (COMPANY):
Tried to rise above it but she almost lost her head,
belting out Tina Turner on the symbolic back-burner,
Saara’s chances were now dead in the water, her parents
ashamed of their daughter. She was hanging by a thread
DERMOT
glares at Nicole, disapproving of her dirty tactics.
DERMOT and (COMPANY):
A comeback was necessary
Saara needed something leg-and-dairy
like Juju said, pulled up a peg, right to the top
Coming back to the competition,
she knew it was her mission to deliver a killer blow,
so she got Bjork’s permission to put on a killer show
(Slammin’) away the opposition from that point on
(Hammin’) her way through Mariah, ABBA and disco songs (oooh)
She was on the right track, she had the right plan
Here’s the girl you are going to stan
The COMPANY
step forward once more, accompanied by SAARA.
COMPANY and (SAARA):
Here’s the girl you are going to stan (just you wait)
Not even Sharon getting pissed could ruin her plan (what a state)
Here’s the girl you are going to stan
WOMEN:
Here’s the girl
MEN:
The girl
SAARA:
Just you wait
The sound of several security guards being rugby-tackled is followed by a “yo yo yo, it’s HONEY G
!”, which itself is followed by a loud, collective sigh.
HONEY G:
Yo everybody, I don’t mean to be rude
But it’s time for a whack rap interlude
H-O-N-E-Y-G, it’s Honey G! H-O-N-
Hey, wait, no! Don’t call security!
Hey, wait, where are you taking me?
I’m a serious artist, you know! Let me go!
The remaining security guards drag Honey G off the stage. In the scuffle, her sunglasses fly off and hit Nicole in the face.
COMPANY and (COMPANY):
Alexsaara Hamiltön (Alexsaara Hamiltön)
We are waiting in the wings for you (waiting in the wings for you)
You could never back down
You never learned to take your time
Oh, Alexsaara Hamiltön (Alexsaara Hamiltön)
When Adam Lambert sings with you
Will he know what you overcame? (what you've seen)
Will he know you rewrote the game? (yaas slay queen)
The show will never be the same, oh
Lightning strikes once more and this time, MATT TERRY
strides out, joined by his crew. And by ‘crew’, I mean his mum and Freddy Parker.
MATT TERRY and (COMPANY):
I’ll be damned if I let this bitch steal my crown, Freddy, stop her
(Just you wait)
Nicole hates immigrants like I hate it up the arse, sir
(Aren’t rhyme schemes great)
Ready? Let’s rile up the Brexiteers with a good old racial slur
Matt and Nicole try to come up with a way to stop people voting for Saara. In the end, Nicole just ends up spray-painting the Union Jack onto Matt's face, which results in Matt briefly being taken ill with lead poisoning.
REPRESENTATIVES of TiBB:
We stanned for her
The representatives of TiBB present banners which read "Saara is a star-a", "give Saara the tiara" and 'before Saara came along my bussy was as dry as the Sahara", all of which are waved around completely out of time with the music.
SHARON:
Me? I mentored her
SIMON:
Me? I applauded her
BRATAVIO, FREDDY PARKER & FOUR OF DIAMONDS:
Us? We lost to her
MATT TERRY:
And me? I’m the damn fool who robbed her
COMPANY:
There’s a million songs I haven’t sung
But just you wait
SHARON:
…it's Sadie something, right? Or Sandra? Is it Sandra?
SAARA & COMPANY:
Alexsaara Hamiltön!
Everything suddenly goes black and the curtain falls on our players, marking the abrupt end of the shortest musical in history. Fin. Or should that be Finn? 
