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Sam & Rita were robbed :(
My next series will be a touch controversial. Partially because it's a cast made entirely of criminals. Partially because some of them are fictional and whilst we'll all root for Rita Repulsa and Annie Wilkes to overcome the likes of Pol Pot and the Boston marathon bomber, we know Brantsteele isn't always kind |
A career low? Something to kill the thread? Sure! September 2022. BBC Four has been decommissioned after allowing a racist five year old to last three weeks on television, and thus the show has been bought by Bravo. In a bizarre ratings grab, they've cast entirely criminal housemates, under the vague illusion this will be a "behind the minds of a killer" style show. A hideous casting error means both innocent and guilty Ian Watkins are invited to take part. H cannot quite grasp what's going on. It's CBB30, anyway. Cast List [Marsh is delighted that John Wayne Gacy Jr's entrance music is, indeed, Lady GaGa's "John Wayne] http://i.imgur.com/CeYHgLS.png Week One http://i.imgur.com/0iXDJVG.png [Oh ffs! I think that H's event is the most unpopular one I set, so any chance of a vaguely un-evil winner may have already died.] Nominations Spoiler: Nominated: Patty Hearst, H from Steps and Karen Matthews - 3 that didn't actually kill anyone No Nominations!: Lorena, Aileen & Myra Evicted: Patty! [I can't say I feel too strongly about this - she's probably the one y'all know the least about and it's likely she was held in this house against her will anyway.] Week Two http://i.imgur.com/zANt5qc.png [OK this got dark quick!] Nominations Spoiler: Nominated: H from Steps and Hannibal Lecter - ok but he's bloody fictional! Guys!!!!! No Nominations!: Amanda, Aileen, Ian, Rita, Charles & Vee Evicted: Hannibal Lecter! [He managed to find the one event that was less popular than not being in the Baha Men.] Week Three http://i.imgur.com/BiEDqC9.png [Considering she only chopped off her hubby's dick and he survived (and allegedly raped her), Lorena would be a semi-rootbale winner I guess? Continue to serve the weird drama, mama!] Nominations Spoiler: Nominated: H from Steps, Annie Wilkes & Karen Matthews - I didn't like H & Claire either but it was the best work we got after Steps ended ffs! No Nominations!: Amanda, Aileen, Myra, Rita and Charles Evicted: H from Steps! [Gemma Whelan's portrayal of her has really upped Karen Matthew's popularity, it would seem.] Week Four http://i.imgur.com/HC6Yb8k.png [Not sure that's how the game is played but ok] Nominations Spoiler: Nominated: Pablo Escobar & Annie Wilkes No Nominations!: Lorena, Charles & Myra Evicted: Pablo Escobar! [Well they needed him for season 6 of Narcos at the time, tbf.] Week Five http://i.imgur.com/t9lJupW.png [Both relatively high on the "probability of Brantsteele events coming true" scale!] Nominations Spoiler: Nominated: Pol Pot & Annie Wilkes No Nominations!: Lorena, Charles, Rita, Amanda & Myra Evicted: Pol Pot! [I guess killing roughly 2-3 million people will make you a handful of enemies] Week Six http://i.imgur.com/oYSvfTw.png [Honestly, this cast is so problematic.] Nominations Spoiler: Nominated: Aileen Wuornos, Amanda Knox, Karen Matthews & Annie Wilkes No Nominations!: Lorena, Myra, Rita & Abu Evicted: Aileen Wuornos! [Charlize Theron was present at her eviction.] Week Seven http://i.imgur.com/jZIF0zm.png [YAAAAAAAS "Rita"!] Nominations Spoiler: Nominated: Amanda Knox & Annie Wilkes No Nominations!: Lorena, Rita & Casey Evicted: Annie Wilkes! [Fictional goddess] Week Eight http://i.imgur.com/UhB2FOI.png [Some friendly banter between the two least problematic girlies (bar Rita)!] Nominations Spoiler: Nominated: Amanda Knox, Vee from OITNB, Abu Hamza & Casey Anthony! No Nominations!: Lorena, Rita, Myra & Ian Evicted: Casey Anthony! [finding it difficult to make lighthearted remarks about the evictions of child-murderers tbh!] Week Nine http://i.imgur.com/JPj8jN1.png [The wobble-board version of City of Stars is a real treat, let me tell you] Nominations Spoiler: Nominated: Amanda Knox vs. Abu Hamza! No Nominations!: Just Rita Repulsa! QUEEN Evicted: Abu Hamza! [Amanda is getting off scot-fre- nope that's a tasteless joke] Week Ten http://i.imgur.com/MA6QAlI.png [I don't quite know what to say to that] Nominations Spoiler: Nominated: Amanda Knox vs. Charles Manson! No Nominations!: Rita, Myra & Karen Evicted: Charles Manson! [Honestly, Amanda is picking off the men with deadly preci-nope still not a tasteful joke] Week Eleven http://i.imgur.com/RtKV7aw.png [These two are BRINGING :clap1: IT :clap1:] Nominations Spoiler: Nominated: Amanda Knox vs. Ian Watkins vs. Vee from OITNB! No Nominations!: Myra, Lorena, Rita & Dzhokhar Evicted: Ian Watkins! [He is later mortified to discover not a single bit of promo was given to lostprophets during his entire tenure.] Week Twelve http://i.imgur.com/IEWyxZ8.png [Not sure that's how you win a redemption edit, Mr. Gacy Jr.] Nominations Spoiler: Nominated: Amanda Knox vs. John Wayne Gacy Jr. No Nominations!: Vee, Lorena & Rita (wow come on top 3?) Evicted: Amanda Knox! [Wtf does John Wayne Gacy have to do to get evicted around here?!] Week Thirteen http://i.imgur.com/EsW6LDm.png [Not the showmance] Nominations Spoiler: Nominated: Dzhokhar Tsarnaev vs. John Wayne Gacy Jr. No Nominations!: Just Myra Hindley Evicted: Dzhokhar Tsarnaev! [It didn't help that Emma Willis couldn't pronounce his name properly.] Week Fourteen http://i.imgur.com/ojOo2ya.png [I cannot believe Karen Matthews is getting the Helen Wood edit] Nominations Spoiler: Nominated: Yvonne 'Vee' Parker vs. John Wayne Gacy Jr. No Nominations!: Just Rita Repulsa! <3 Evicted: John Wayne Gacy Jr! [As if it takes a series of criminals for there to be a final 6 with five women.] Week Fifteen http://i.imgur.com/R6Bk2uB.png [The worrying thing is I'm still unsure if I'm #TeamNatalie here] Nominations Spoiler: Nominated: Yvonne 'Vee' Parker vs. Karen Matthews vs. Lorena Bobbitt No Nominations!: n/a Evicted: Karen Matthews! [I guess that BOTS reception last week was shortlived.] Week Sixteen http://i.imgur.com/SoWpgZn.png [Not a brilliant penultimate week] Nominations Spoiler: Nominated: Rolf Harris vs. Myra Hindley - omfg not my top 3 all nominating the exact same way <3333333333 No Nominations!: Vee Parker Evicted: Myra Hindley! [I guess there're still some fans of Rolf Harris out there.] Week Seventeen http://i.imgur.com/fkYGyjn.png [Not an expected choice, I must admit] Nominations Spoiler: Nominated: Rolf Harris vs. Vee Parker vs. Lorena Bobbitt - ok at least Rita is a finalist <3 No Nominations!: n/a Evicted: Rolf Harris! [Wow. Wow. An actually-ok final 3. Even in this series. Wow.] Finale http://i.imgur.com/IJ8VGGV.png omg come through RITA!!!!! http://i.imgur.com/BAzSGFL.png Oh well :( at least it was close Series Popularity http://i.imgur.com/X00MZFZ.png [I. CANNOT. @ H from Steps being less popular on launch night than 2 paedophiles, all of the serial killers bar Eileen, a Cambodian dictator and the Boston Marathon bomber.] [Pol Pot had a curious amount of popularity didn't he? Perhaps they thought he was Paul Potts.] [This is the first time, I think, that the three finalists have been the three most popular HMs at the end of the series.] [The least popular event was John Wayne Gacy Jr. ranting about Oscar Pistorious, as it cost him 23pts.] [The most popular event was Rita Repulsa telling Ian Watkins to do one in Week 1, as it saw her launch popularity rise from 38 to 68 (aka 30pts)! Statistics Most Nominations: John Wayne Gacy Jr. (41), Karen Matthews (40), Amanda Knox (39) Fewest Nominations: Patty Hearst (4), Rita Repulsa (7) Most Evictions Survived: Amanda Knox (6), Vee (5) Never Up for Eviction: Rita Repulsa! Highest Eviction Percentage: 92% for Myra Hindley vs. Rolf Harris. Annie Wilkes was not far behind on 91% against Amanda Knox. Lowest Eviction Percentage: 50.9% for Amanda Knox vs. John Wayne Gacy Jr. Aileen Wuornos getting 36% against 3 others is pretty close, too. Makes the Highlights Six Times: Rita Repulsa and Lorena Bobbitt Makes the Highlights Five Times: Charles Manson Makes the Highlights Four Times: John Wayne Gacy Jr. Makes the Highlights Thrice: Amanda Knox, Dzhokhar Tsarnaev, Karen Matthews and Yvonne 'Vee' Parker Makes the Highlights Twice: Hannibal Lecter, H from Steps, Casey Anthony, Myra Hindley and Rolf Harris Makes the Highlights Once: Pol Pot, Aileen Wuornos, Annie Wilkes and Ian Watkins Doesn't Make the Highlights At All: Patty Hearst, Pablo Escobar and Abu Hamza http://i.imgur.com/EIXGEwG.png |
Legit don't know why I ****ing lost it at Rolf Harris washing his balls in the sink
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wow
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I don't know what the **** to say about this, but I'm sad that I wasn't able to use karenmatthewsdancing.gif for her victory :(
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I feel slightly responsible for this mess.
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Abu Hamza was robbed of highlights tbh
(Oh and one of my non Alice Barry contestants is becoming a politician trolololol http://www.dailystar.co.uk/showbiz/5...Nick-posh-lads) |
After a little nudging from Daniel-X I am pleased to announce that this will not be the last of my series, and that a largely more excusable cast will be used for CBB31.
Joanne the Scammer makes 'ha' return, and Abi Titmuss her long-awaited (apparently) debut. Without leaking the full cast, it's a lot younger overall than my usual ones but still includes some golden celebs like Harvey Fierstein, Dame Edna and Yvette Fielding (although I'm worried she may have been used already?) |
Better include the chewbacca lady
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The Most Epic, Drama-filled, Entertaing CBB EVER
http://i.imgur.com/iMtyrpv.png The placements Spoiler: The nominations table Spoiler: |
I am bored so I mocked up a cast...
Placements... Spoiler: |
Lisa winning and that scumbag being a first boot :love:
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Wendy :love:
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Right I've written all of the events (that takes the most time for me tbh, I'm running out of original ones) so I'll simulate this later xo
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She's baaaaack! Channel 5 have bought Big Brother back. We'll have no more of that Bravo/BBC4 nonsense thank you very much. Welcome to CBB31! It's 2023 now. Good grief. Cast List http://i.imgur.com/tSHHVzK.png Week One http://i.imgur.com/Ex2kjJi.png [He eventually decides to hire Natasha Hamilton and Jessica Sutta.] Nominations Spoiler: Nominated: Joanne the Scammer vs. Mitch Hewer - not another Joanne first eviction </3 No Nominations!: Simon, Cameron, Jackson & Dame Edna! Evicted: Mitch! [Joanne ha survival!] Week Two http://i.imgur.com/FcmxDVY.png [Bizarrely, said opinions consisted of just: "I think it's alright really!"] Nominations Spoiler: Nominated: June Sarpong, Tish's Mum, Soulja Boy & Yvette Fielding - that's a record for me; June getting 12 nominations in one bloody week. Good god. No Nominations!: Simon, Gifty, Candace & Omid! Evicted: June! [I guess that was a pretty fatal comment.] Week Three http://i.imgur.com/MFjcVIp.png [Not the showmance I was expecting] Nominations Spoiler: Nominated: Yvette Fielding vs. Soulja Boy - to think, under usual C5 rules of 2 noms and you're up, there'd be 11 nominees here. No Nominations!: Robbie, Jackson and Carson! Evicted: Soulja Boy! [The showmance is shortlived :(] Week Four http://i.imgur.com/MkKn1m9.png [The gays are fighting :(] Nominations Spoiler: Nominated: Yvette Fielding vs. Hottie Sapphyri - I think that's enough now Yvette you're a lost cause No Nominations!: Just Tish this time. Broom broom. Evicted: Yvette! [TiBB are relieved?] Week Five http://i.imgur.com/vxpZhcC.png [Simon is being a lot more problematic than I was expecting.] Nominations Spoiler: Nominated: Simon, Tish, Dawn, Omid, Harvey & Joanne No Nominations!: Jackson, Abi & Carson! Evicted: Simon! [He really spiralled out of control when Soulja Boy was evicted </3] Week Six http://i.imgur.com/Wnt8Phe.png [Pretty sure they just bonded over 20 cans of Stellathe other week :(] Nominations Spoiler: Nominated: Hottie Sapphyri vs. Dame Edna Everage No Nominations!: Jackson & Abi! Evicted: Hottie! [Beginning to get a bit worrying, this eviction order] Week Seven http://i.imgur.com/DLrbHFw.png [That seems a little bit of an irresponsible task.] Nominations Spoiler: Nominated: Harvey Fierstein vs. Both Simmonds Gals! - which of the vine stars will go???? if any???? No Nominations!: Omid, Abi & Candace! Evicted: Tish! [I am loving the idea of Tish's mum outlasting her daughter.] Week Eight http://i.imgur.com/Sq0ZCmk.png [Welcome to the highlights, Abi! Now deal with an angry mum-without-daughter.] Nominations Spoiler: Nominated: Harvey Fierstein, Dame Edna Everage, Dawn Simmonds & Gifty Louise - when will the culling of the gay icons end? No Nominations!: Johnny & Candace! Evicted: Dawn! [Her daughter drove her home.] Week Nine http://i.imgur.com/NWBbQZa.png [I like to bring a welcome dose of reality to these events] Nominations Spoiler: Nominated: Harvey Fierstein vs. Dame Edna - ugh why No Nominations!: Just Abi! Evicted: Dame Edna! [:bawling:] Week Ten http://i.imgur.com/fdmHpti.png [not Abi's abusive era :worry:] Nominations Spoiler: Nominated: Harvey Fierstein vs. Carson Kressley - what does this house have against old gays? No Nominations!: Just Jackson! Evicted: Carson! [sigh.] Week Eleven http://i.imgur.com/5Kke0G6.png [I lowkey need to see that first event on television.] Nominations Spoiler: Nominated: Harvey Fierstein, Abi Titmuss, Cameron Dallas, Joanne the Scammer and Laughing Chewbacca Lady - which is odd really since this is the lineup for a future Power Rangers reboot No Nominations!: Jackson & Johnny! Evicted: Abi! [Sorry Daniel-X] Week Twelve http://i.imgur.com/d2HQCJ2.png [Here for this Candace/Joanne power alliance tbh. I hereby endorse them for the final two.] Nominations Spoiler: Nominated: Gifty Louise vs. Joanne the Scammer No Nominations!: Jackson & Omid! Evicted: Gifty! [Soiling the bed really did her no favours, tbf] Week Thirteen http://i.imgur.com/kiq0W0D.png [I mean, it's not likely to be an urgently-required GIF guys, but go at it?] Nominations Spoiler: Nominated: Harvey Fierstein, Cameron Dallas, Chewbacca Lady and Joanne the Scammer No Nominations!: Jackson & Johnny! Evicted: Cameron! [I was worried he'd go on to win, so phew? Think I like everyone else left. Except Robbie I guess.] Week Fourteen http://i.imgur.com/0sLIb4z.png [This series has become a damn MESS.] Nominations Spoiler: Nominated: Harvey Fierstein vs. Joanne the Scammer No Nominations!: Jackson! Evicted: Harvey! [Into the final 6 with my Joanne/Candace f2 dream still alive!] Week Fifteen http://i.imgur.com/UQVr4RG.png [A real television treat, I'm sure] Nominations Spoiler: Nominated: Laughing Chewbacca Lady vs. Joanne the Scammer - NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO </3 No Nominations!: Robbie & Johnny Evicted: Joanne! [:sad:] Week Sixteen http://i.imgur.com/8ExIqMc.png [I guess the yoga session didn't go too well?] Nominations Spoiler: Nominated: Laughing Chewbacca Lady vs. Robbie Grabarz vs. Omid Djalili - GET THAT IRRELEVANT OLYMPIAN OUT. NOW. No Nominations!: n/a Evicted: Robbie! [YAAAAAAAAAS] Week Seventeen http://i.imgur.com/0QxGfqP.png [I was really worried around halfway through the series but I'm actually really happy with this final four?] Nominations Spoiler: Nominated: Laughing Chewbacca Lady vs. Jackson Galaxy vs. Omid Djalili - I'd really like an Omid/Candace/Johnny f3 so sorry Jackson, get out pls No Nominations!: n/a Evicted: Jackson! [omg <3333 thank you brant steele] Finale http://i.imgur.com/8ntnurs.png http://i.imgur.com/n4ll1OK.png How close! Wait, how close? Series Popularity http://i.imgur.com/FBTqVl0.png [OK wow. So none of the final 3 were near the top of end-of-series popularity. I'm not sure how Jackson was evicted, in that case.] [The least popular event was Johnny Vegas and Omid Djalili's drug investigation in the final week - they were both in the 80s and ended up losing almost 30pts each, and handing the win to Candace :joker:] [Other oddities: Tish's Mum survived over Tish and then went the week after, despite being 53pts behind in popularity. ???????wa?????] [The most popular event was Yvette Fielding refusing to write a haiku in week one, which gained her 17pts] Statistics Most Nominations: Harvey Fierstein (48), Joanne the Scammer (39) Fewest Nominations: Mitch Hewer (4), Soulja Boy (9) Most Evictions Survived: Harvey Fierstein (7) Never Up for Eviction: Johnny Vegas! Highest Eviction Percentage (Head to Head): Gifty Louise, 88% vs. Joanne the Scammer Highest Eviction Percentage (Multi Nominees): Tish's Mum, 62% in a 4-way vote. Lowest Eviction Percentage (Head to Head): Yvette Fielding, 55% vs. Hottie Sapphyri Lowest Eviction Percentage (Multi Nominees): Cameron Dallas receiving 33% in a 4-way vote Makes the Highlights Ten Times: Joanne the Scammer Makes the Highlights Eight Times: The Laughing Chewbacca Woman Makes the Highlights Six Times: Omid Djalili Makes the Highlights Five Times: Abi Titmuss Makes the Highlights Four Times: Simon Amstell Makes the Highlights Thrice: Gifty Louise - Johnny, Jackson Makes the Highlights Twice: Soulja Boy, Dawn Simmonds and Cameron Dallas Makes the Highlights Once: June Sarpong, Yvette Fielding, Hottie Sapphyri, Dame Edna Everage, Carson Kressley, Harvey Fierstein and Robbie Grabarz Doesn't Make the Highlights At All: Mitch Hewer and Tish Simmonds http://i.imgur.com/Rdwg09a.png |
Joanne was ROBBED. The star of this series.
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Laughing Chewbacca Lady being the only biological woman in the entire top 8 and still winning :love:
(naturally, Tish's mum was robbed) |
Spoiler: This is one of the funniest things I've ever read omfg Miss Karen deserved the win :( |
Oh, and if this "Jackson Galaxy" character (if that is your real name) considers himself to in any way be the new Cesar Millan, then he can well and truly get tae ****!
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there were a couple more controversial events I put in that weren't used by the simulator, which, after CBB30, is probably a blessing in disguise
(after re-doing the series, Abi muses out loud about how Caben-Albi has since overdosed after his 2 disastrous series, Gifty miscarries in the house, and Omid seasons his porridge with his own semen) |
Joanne the Scammer serving Shangela 'first boot to star of the show' realness :love:
<333 the kinfe fight between her and Carson. |
I do like to think that the Joanne/Mitch eviction was decided over a particularly violent lip sync to Vanessa Williams' The Right Stuff, yes
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Does this mean that Gifty Louise is Mimi Imfurst?
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The missing event: Gifty hurls Cameron over her shoulder in attempt to stay a week longer.
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