Introducing the women of BrantSteele Does Survivor: I Still Haven't Come Up With A Name...
- Kristin Larsen, 22, from Schenectady, New York
Kristin is a graduate in drama and dance, and currently works as a barista at Dunkin’ Donuts. She dreams of becoming a big-name comedy writer and hopes that all the spare time on the island will help her come up with ideas for a hit TV show. When she isn’t being hilarious or mopping up puddles of weak coffee, she spends her time watching Survivor – in fact, she has seen every episode “except Leif’s boot in One World, because that aired on the night that I lost my virginity. Fun fact, there.”
- Edwina McNeil, 60, from Lincoln, Nebraska
Edwina is currently the CEO of a large-scale pet food company in Nebraska, but in a few years’ time plans to retire to Canada, where all three of her daughters now live. When she is not busy being the boss, she enjoys salsa dancing, writing erotic novellas and singing along to melodic death metal with her husband Bjorn. Although she is the eldest member of this year’s cast, she hopes that nobody will realise this due to the excessive amounts of Botox in her face.
- Theresa Hardin, 47, from Jersey City, New Jersey
Theresa Hardin (née Giordano, previously Anderson and Gibson) comes from a long line of mobsters. However, she decided to take a different direction in life and now owns three salons and a casino in the Hudson County area, all of which operate legally. She has divorced all three of her ex-husbands, two of which are in prison and one of which is now a hand model named Leanne. These days, she makes her way through a rotation of four different toyboys, and hopes that winning the million dollars will increase that list to at least seven (“one for each day of the week. You know, like socks”).
- Hallie Franco, 24, from Madison, Wisconsin
Hallie describes herself as a typical “girly girl” with a fondness for pink – a theme which runs from her interior décor to the colour of her beloved rabbit vibrator. For the most part, she runs a make-up and beauty vlog from her bedroom, although she also uses YouTube to review scented gel pens. Upon being asked to name a favourite scent, she breaks out in tears, although she does point out that it was with her peach-scented pen that she voted for Trump. With the million dollars, she hopes to make her childhood dream of starting a singing career come true, thus ending the stereotype that people who are deaf in one ear and have no discernible singing talent can’t make be successful in the music industry.
- Alicia McCormick, 27, from Boston, Massachusetts
Alicia is from a large family of three sisters, four brothers and a six foot tall Great Dane. She works as a peace officer, which is apparently what Americans call a law enforcement officer, and is employed specifically within the drug enforcement sector. When she started the position, she was the youngest in her division, and one of only five women (none of whom, she points out, were as hot as her). She plans to use her brains, brawn, beauty and several grams of speed that she once confiscated to win the game of Survivor.
- Josie Jackson, 31, from Spokane, Washington
Josie still considers herself a small town girl, having grown up on a dairy farm in North East Washington, even though she now works as a special education teacher in the big(-ish) city. Her constantly upbeat personality may make you forget that her husband Brad died in a whitewater rafting accident on their honeymoon, something which she only divulges when absolutely necessary in terms of her personal growth arc on a reality television competition show. She would like to win Survivor for “the children, because to quote Whitney Houston, they are the future.”
- Rachelle Roth, 49, from Oakland, California
Rachelle is a self-appointed “fashion mogul”, having been the editor of three different fashion magazines over her illustrious career. She even claims to have had a character in Ugly Betty based on her, although she can’t remember which one. At the peak of her career, she used to fly from her California home to New York eight times a week, which she says will prepare her for the mental and physical strain of Survivor. “I mean, this one time they forced me to sit next to a child. If I can survive that, I can survive anything.”
- Takondwa Roberson, 55, from Jacksonville, Florida
Takondwa, who proudly tells us that her name means “we are glad” in Chewa despite the fact that she has never travelled outside of Duval County, is the single mother of five children – the oldest of whom is 36 and has children of his own. She has worked countless jobs over the course of her life, including cook, janitor, housekeeper, cab driver, fake mourner, amateur boxer, dog food tester, drive-thru operator, snake milker and nursing aide. She is now retired and spends her days looking after her ten grandchildren, although she now finds them so annoying that applying for Survivor was her only way of getting away from them.
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