ThisisBigBrother.com - UK TV Forums

Flash! - Aaaaah!

Scene One:
It's a cold, wet, Tuesday morning and the rain is pouring as Princess stirs in her bed. She takes one look at the weather and groans, but pulls herself out of bed anyway. Walking into the kitchen, Mark is being spit-roasted by two Vietnamese immigrants. She drops her cup in shock.
Princess: What on EARTH is going on!?
Mark: Oh, this is Kim and Lee.
Princess: That's not exactly what was confusing me.
Lauren: Oh for god's sake! Cut!
Lauren appears from behind a curtain and Annie turns off a camcorder. As she throws her beret onto the floor in frustration, Lauren grabs a bottle of baby oil and hands it to Kim.
Lauren: Get oiled up again, we need a glossy sheen.
Kim: Yes, Miss Lauren.
Princess: Can someone please explain!
Annie: Right, money's a bit tight at the moment. So we thought 'what's the biggest industry you can set up without leaving the home?' and the answer's obvious: porn. So we put some ads in the local paper, looking for 'exotic models', and got a contract with some leading website.
Princess: You could have warned me.
Mark: Can we hurry up? Lee's only got a semi, now.
Princess: Ugh!
She rushes to get dressed and slams her bedroom door.

Scene Two:
As a bus drives past with a poster for 'Gossip Girl - coming soon', Hugo, MarkWaldorf and DamonJ are stood outside the school gates. Whilst Hugo files his nails, MarkWaldorf and DamonJ are exchanging songs over bluetooth.
Hugo: Oh my actual God.
DamonJ: I know, that show looks so hot.
Hugo: Back on Friday! I can't wait!
As Hugo and Damon jump excitedly, an explosion is heard from inside the school.
MarkWaldorf: OH EM GEE.
DamonJ: My hair!
Hugo: No, it's fine, let's go!
They rush into 3 phonebooths across the road, and three different colours of light bursts from within them. In Hugo's, purple. In MarkWaldorf's, red. In DamonJ's, blue. They emerge wearing PVC jumpsuits of the same colours, with corresponding eye-masks. On their backs are the words "If You Seek..." followed by their names.
DamonJ: Let's kick some ass.

Scene Three:
Inside the library of the school, burning debris is littering the general fiction section. Whilst students loot the stationery cupboard, we hear the cries of a pupil caught underneath a fallen bookcase.
Madonna: Help! Help!
Three boys burst through the library doors and assess the situation.
Hugo: Oh god, do we have to?
MarkWaldorf: Rule #1 of the Spearsians: be heroic.
DamonJ: But he's a Madgite.
MarkWaldorf: He's young and naive, he'll learn one day that Madonna is old news. Damon, extinguish the flames with your Blackout.
DamonJ takes a gadget from his tool-belt and places it on the floor. Pressing a button, "Hot As Ice" begins playing, and a jet of water is fired from the device. As the Spearsians dance in unison, the fires are slowly ebbed away.
Hugo: Excellent.
MarkWaldorf: Hugo, lift the rubble with your super-strength.
As "Stronger" begins playing from nowhere in particular, Hugo lifts whole concrete slabs with ease. MarkWaldorf and DamonJ begin dancing with chairs, à la the music video, and Madonna finally pulls himself to his feet.
Madonna: Wow, thank you so much. Who are you guys?
MarkWaldorf: We're the Spearsians, and we fight for justice. Now be gone with you, young child, and stop wearing purple leotards.
Hugo: They're SO 2005.

Scene Four:
As emergency services gather outside the school, headmistress Ash runs to the Police to inform them of the situation.
Ash: The explosion seems to have come from the canteen. All students were present inside the building at the time, which was during our second lesson. We've checked our registers and there are 14 students absent, who we're in the process of tracking down at home to be sure. We're also trying to get them to the rendez-vous point for a headcount, but I fear there are people still trapped inside.
Andyman: Very well. Do you have any idea how the blaze started?
Ash: No, I was in my office when I heard a loud bang. The whole building shook.
Andyman: I see, well, stay around please, we'll inform you of wha-
He's interrupted as three costumed boys fly out of the front entrance, leaving a glittery, light residue behind them à la the Powerpuff Girls.
Andyman: What the-?!
Ash: My God!
Billy: Who are they!?
Picto: They're flying!
Ruth*Star: Beautiful...

Scene Five:
At home, Tom is watching the news channel, where a news-team have arrived on the scene. He turns up the volume, and Doug walks into the room.
Doug: Oh no!
Tom: I need to get there fast, Billy might be...
Doug: I'm sure he's fine, dad. I'll drive you there.
They run to the car and drive off without haste.

Scene Six:
A scene of Elmo being tortured with some electrodes and two clamps is randomly thrown in here.

Scene Seven:
In the school canteen, the kitchen is ground-zero. The walls have been blown away, and what remains of them are black and smoking. The camera pans around to the seating area, where the ceiling has caved in. A few dinnerladies are huddled under a bench for safety, screaming for help, whilst a student emerges from underneath another. He slowly crawls for the door.
Riz: This can't be happening.
He appears to have ash on his face, and a few cuts and burns, but is otherwise not injured. He climbs to his feet but is immediately aware of the smoke fumes filling the room. He gets back on his knees and crawls for the emergency exit. Suddenly, a megaphone-loudened voice is head from the adjacent library.
Unknown Terrorist#1: We have attached a series of explosives throughout the school and will continue to detonate them unless the following demands are met.
Unknown Terrorist#2: Firstly, all students, staff and outside members of public are to remain exactly where they are. If we see any traces of movement, we shall detonate the next bomb at random.
Unknown Terrorist#1: Secondly, a sum of £500,000 must be delivered, in cash, by an unarmed person to Fom's Lemon Emporium by midnight tonight. Failure to comply shall result in all bombs being deto-
He is unable to finish this demand, and suddenly screams in terror. Over the megaphone we hear a strange animal-like sound, clearly mauling the terrorists. Gruesome noises are finally followed by complete silence.

Scene Eight:
At MarkWaldorf's hero headquarters, he and his two friends are sat in an ultra-modern, chic lounge. They are sipping glasses of soda water, whilst news footage of the explosion continues on their plasma television.
Hugo: We were seen.
MarkWaldorf: I know, that's why we can't go back and help the others. We can't risk having our identities exposed.
DamonJ: The school are going to know that we're not present..
Hugo: Oh ****, yeah!
MarkWaldorf: Right, fly home immediately. We'll just pretend to be ill, the school will probably phone our parents soon. Alter your bodies to make it look convincing to your parents. We'll meet again tomorrow - I doubt school will still be running then.
Hugo and Damon fly off towards home at light speed, so as to avoid being spotted in the skies.

Scene Nine:
At Annie's dormitory, she, Lauren, Ross, Mark and the two Vietnamese men are now all fully-dressed and celebrating a finished version of their pornographic film. Lauren's phone rings.
Lauren: Hello?
Matt: Where are you? Your shift started five minutes ago.
Lauren: Oh god! I forgot! I'll be there ASAP!
She hangs up and rushes to put on her uniform.
Mark: Oh lordy, it's code red. Annie, get her lipstick! Kim, Lee...look pretty! Ross, her shoes! NO NOT THE STILETTOS!
Ross: WHICH ONES THEN?
Mark: THE PUMPS, ROSS, MY GOD THE PUMPS!
Annie: THE LIPSTICK HAS SNAPPED!
Mark screams and throws the shoes at a mirror, smashing it. Suddenly, a purple ray of light is seen flashing by the window, and he bursts through the front door.
Hugo: Here, use mine!
He flies straight back out again, leaving the students in a state of shock.

Scene Ten:
At the school, Andyman is briefing a gathered crowd with a prepared press statement.
Andyman: At roughly 11am this morning, a planted bomb in the school canteen exploded, leaving extensive damage to the whole east building. After communications with the terrorists, it became clear that there were other devices situated in the building. A bomb disposal squad has since scanned the building, disarming all devices.
However, it has also become clear that someone, or something has brutally killed the perpetrators of this act of terrorism. All men found in the library were dead, the cause of which is still unknown. We shall issue another statement once we know more of the situation.
As a crowd of journalists and anxious parents begin shouting at him, he jumps into a helicopter and flies away.

To be continued...

IT'S ****ING FABULOUS.