Chapter 4
Santa Wars Episode 4:
A New Hope


Now available with Swahili Subtitles

The Zetas, LemonJam and Zee sat quietly in the armored vehicle wondering whether they would live to see Christmas day (probably as they are main characters DUH). Zee looked around at the other people in the car, Ninastar and Brona sat in the front with 30Stone (No surprises there) while GypsyGoth sat opposite them. And that was everyone.....Hang on who's that in the back? Stu and Karl? When did I write them in?

'You didn't' Said Stu
'Weak dude weak' said Karl.
'So instead we drugged you and you wrote us in an drug addled state. That's why instead of basing my character based around my intellectual pursuits on Tibb you've gone for the easy road and turned us into a pair of stoners with a tendency to copy Bill & Ted quotes'
'Excellent!!'

O...Okay...... Moving on. In a matter of hours Tibb had been reduced to a war zone, buildings were destroyed, the sky was covered in smoke and the streets had turned to battlefields.
'WHY DOES LOVE ALWAYS FEEL LIKE A BATTLEFIELD! BATTLEFIELD!' Sang Shaun.
Not the time Shaun, I'm trying to add pathos and depth! 30Stone was driving back towards the Shopping District. Why he drove away from it in the first place shall always remain a plothole, Don't look at me like that who do you think I am JK Rowling? Buy a book if you don't like it you ungrateful swines!

The Radio crackled into life,
'30Stone are you there?' Asked Sia (where are the other mods anyway? Poor Sia and Ben are doing all the work!)
'Yes! What's going on Sia? I haven't heard from the Modforce in a while yet I still managed to find this car....which doesn't make much narrative sense but moving on!' 'We're fighting Santa directly but he's slippery bastard, he keeps distracting us with his Elves and Reindeer Assassins. The mods are keeping him at bay for the moment while Rory and VickyJ are evacuating Civilians to Princess' Mansion'
'Ah I was wondering when Princess was going to be mentioned again I thought the writer had forgotten about her after the Prologue'
'If you have any Civilians take them there before returning to fight.'
'Ah about that I've got a whole group of them but they wanna fight and I can't argue with them as they're main characters'
'Oh Hell, it's their funeral.....GET AWAY FROM ME YOU MIDGET SWINEBAG MUTHA*****ER!'

The line went dead, and the atmosphere went tense and everyone looked worried.
'You don't think she has fallen from the mortal coil?' Asked GypsyGoth
'Don't worry about her, you all know Sia she's a mad bitch she'll have them running from her.' Said 30Stone. The car returned to silence until they CRASHED! But since they are all main characters no one was hurt! They stumbled out of their now wrecked car to see that they had collided with a Brotherhood vehicle.
'VILE BRATS! I just had some sweet, sweet rims placed on that' Boomed a loud voice from the other car. Andyman, Andy, Lauren, Nathan, Iceman and Twilight got out their car.
'YOU!' Lili and Andyman screamed at each other. Zeta and the Brotherhood hated each other deeply, like mongoose and snakes or Cheryl Cole and Lily Allen or Thierry Henry and not cheating (Yes people! I can do sports references too!).

Lili in her Scottish rage went to attack Andyman but was held back by LemonJam....the only man that could cool down her furious heart...
'Enough of this!' LemonJam said. 'We've got bigger things to worry about! People are dying out there! Now is not the time for dividing ourselves because of allegiance , we should be joining forces! Why must Zeta and Brotherhood members oppose each other so? Let's pull down those barriers and unite!'
'Oh LJ, ye' words have touched ma' wee heart, He's right Andyman let's join forces.'
They shook hands and so began the dawn of the Zeta Brotherhood.

With that nice little sentimental moment over the (now united) group faced a problem. They had no transport and Santa's armies could attack at any moment. They were slightly worried until the realised that fortunately for them and us, they were only two streets away from the Shopping District. They began the final leg of their journey.

Zee was being quiet and contemplative.
'What's wrong?' Asked Ross
'Why does Lili speak in a strong Scottish accent but not me? I'm every bit as Scottish as her yet my dialogue doesn't show it it's just no fair'
Oh Stop complaining! If you don't pick up the pace so I can finish writing this chapter I'm gonna make you fall in love with Firewire! Zee sped up considerably. Good KNOW YOUR PLACE MAGGOT! And with that the group were outside the gates of the Shopping Distract, the final battle was mere footsteps away.

'Has anyone got anything to say before we head in?' Asked Lauren.
Stu spoke up,
'All we are is dust in the wind'
Karl picked up some dust from the ground
'Dust!'
The wind blew it out his hand
'Wind!' Said Stu
'Dudes!' They said together pointing to themselves.
'Okay anyone who doesn't speak in Bill and Ted quotes?' Asked Lauren 'Actually I can't be arsed to wait, let's go the next Chapter is dead ahead!'

Chapter 5
Kill Lil


And now a word from our Sponsors.

The writer of Dead Tibb presents a heartwarming story of ambition, love, talent and making your dreams come true! Starring Arista as Arista, a young manbot who works as a welder during the day but during night dreams of being a star!

Arista: Baby look at me and tell me what you see. You ain't seen the best of me yet, give me time I'll make you forget the rest.....

Arista's parents: A star? It's an impossible dream! Keep to welding that's where the real money is!

Mean girls: You? A Star? Ha!

Love interest: I believe in you!

Arista: I got more to me and you can set it free! I can catch the moon in my hands, Doncha know who I am? Remember my name!

Everyone: ARISTA!

Snooty Headmistress: This school is the most exclusive Performing Arts school in the world.

Love interest: Remember I believe in you!....again

*Epic dance sequence*

Arista: I'm gonna live forever, you're gonna see me and cry.

Everyone: ARISTA!

Arista: I'm gonna make it to heaven! Light up the sky like a flame!

Everyone: ARISTA!

*Another epic dance sequence*

Nominated for 5 Golden Tibbies!

Love Interest: You've changed....I don't believe in you anymore.

Arista's Parents: You're achieving your dream but at what price? You should have stuck to welding!

The Critics have described it as the 'best film since 'Step Up 2' and that the lead star Arista 'makes Anton Du Beke look like a cripple'

Arista's Parents: We've for no apparent reason changed our tune, GO FOR IT SON!

Love Interest: I believe in you again!

Arista: Remember my name!

Everyone: ARISTA!

*Arista jumps towards the screen in a 'high School musical' fashion*

FLASH(DRIVE)DANCE, COMING SOON TO A TIBB NEAR YOU!

Santa was sitting alone in a dark abandoned Store which served as his base, He grabbed a glass from the side and drunk deeply from it. He heard footsteps approaching and then a hand on his shoulder, It was Mrs Claus.
'My dear, how's the attack going?' inquired Santa.
'The Mod Force are keeping us at bay for the moment but we'll soon overrun them and then Tibb will be ours for the taking, however we may have a problem. It seems as though they've got some reinforcements coming to aid them.

Mrs Claus flicked a switch to turn on the security monitor, the screen was filled with images of Lili and her group fighting through the Shopping District towards the Mod Force. Santa grunted in anger.
'Who is this Sultry Firebrand that's leading them!?' He cried.
'That's Lili, She's as deadly as she is Scottish....so that means very.'
'And who's that behind her?'
'Oh That's Zee, don't worry about him his levels of scottishness are dangerously low. He's probably closer to being Welsh then he is Scottish.'
'Ah I see, well if we get rid of the leader the rest will fall...Kill this Lili'

Explosions ripped through the Shopping district as the group weaved between the corpses and wreckage of battle. They weren't far away from the main battle the sounds of gunfire echoed through the night.
'They cannae be far away now' said Lili.
The reached the end of the street and turned the corner to be faced with a regiment of Elf soldiers.
'Get outta the way you little hoachin' bastards!' screamed Lili.
The elves raised their weapons but Shaun was one step ahead of them, He fired his bazooka into the crowd and watched as they exploded into little pieces in an overly gory fashion. For his troubles Shaun got a face full of Elf blood, he screamed in horror.
'I don't even let Midgets come NEAR me and now I'm covered in their blood!' He exclaimed tearfully as he grabbed a fistful of 30Stone's Tanktop to wipe away the blood. As the group prepared to move they heard the sound of bells above them. They looked upwards to see Santa's reindeer descend upon them, they managed to dive out the way but the reindeer had returned to the air and was preparing for another Divebomb. As they descended again a voice crackled through the street.
'Don't worry guys we've got you covered!'

It was Sia and Rory, she had a megaphone in one hand and a great big Sniper Rifle in the other. They took aim at the reindeer and fired, killing off two of their numbers in the process.
'D'ya think one of them was Prancer? He's my favourite' asked Ninastar
'I don't curr to be honest, KILL 'EM ALL!' screamed Gary.
Zee spotted a weapon box by a Modforce car and grabbed a machine gun from it, he fired upwards scattering the Reindeer assassins. The rest of the group followed suit and soon the sky was full of bullets, the reindeer stood no chance. As they prepared to move on ANOTHER voice rang through the street (what a shocker)
'LILI! This is where the story ends for you!'

A red blur came speeding towards Lili armed with a shiny samurai Sword. Lili dodged the blur's attack and hit it with a kick to the midriff which stunned her attacker. It was Mrs Claus (not really a big shocker given the beginning of the chapter but whatever). Mrs Claus swung again at Lili and again she rolled out the way but she was unarmed.
'Make use of this!' said GypsyGoth as she threw her own sword to Lili, the fight was now even. It was Lili's turn to be aggressive and it was Mrs Claus' turn to dance. Lili slashed at her multiple times but Mrs Claus was as fast and lithe as Lili, recovering from the attacks Mrs Claus began attacking. They struck each other's blades at the same time which knocked both women off balance. Mrs Claus closed the distance between them and leaped into the air, striking Lili in the face with a somersault kick! (Who'd have guessed....Mrs Claus is a ninja).

Lili crashed to the floor, her sword landed a few feet away. Mrs Claus advanced on her to deliver the final blow but Lili had one more trick up her sleeve. She kicked Mrs Claus' feet from underneath her and leapt to her own feet. Lili grabbed Mrs Claus' sword and stabbed her in the stomach, impaling her to the ground.
'This....can't be...I'm not meant to die until the next chapter....What...about the Story Structure!....'
'I Dinnae Ken! ***** the story structure, I'm Scottish!' yelled Lili as Mrs Claus died.

The street was finally quiet, Sian and Rory had joined the group on the ground. The group led by Lili and 30Stone began to walk towards the final battle, One way or another this war was coming to an end tonight.

The Final Chapter
Christmas Time, Machine guns and Wine


Previously on Dead Tibb 3

NinaStar: I'm Pregnant....AND YOU'RE THE FATHER!
30Stone: *crosses Ninastar off list * Only Brona left now!

Ross: Zee we need to talk about that camping trip
Zee: I can't help it I DON'T KNOW HOW TO QUIT YOU!

LemonJam: I'm a Woman cursed with a man's Body!

Ninastar: I'm Pregnant....AND YOU'RE THE FATHER
Ross: Well I can impregnate a woman from 50 paces.

Lauren: Stu, this is an intervention we're losing you to the addiction, you're being eaten away at and soon there'll be nothing left. We love you so much...Please give it up for us, you don't need that poison anymore we're here for you. Please...Give us your Pokemon cards
Stu: NO! YOU'LL NEVER TAKE MY SHINY CHARIZARD ALIVE!

Andy: I'm Pregnant...AND YOU'R THE FATHER

Shaun: Princess I'm extremely disappointed in you....I HAVE NEVER IN MY LIFE YELLED AT A GIRL LIKE THIS, WHEN MY MOTHER YELLED AT ME IT WAS BECAUSE SHE LOVED ME, I WAS ROOTING FOR YOU WE WERE ALL ROOTING FOR YOU!. TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FO' YO'SELF! And stop selling your babies!
Princess: I can't help it, It's an addiction!

Ninastar: I'm pregnant.....AND FIREWIRE'S THE FATHER!
Gary: Okay all the rest was believable but that's just silly.

And now....for the thrilling conclusion.

The battlefield was quiet and littered with the bodies of Elves and the Mod Force, the main battle was over but the final battle was still raging above. As the group drew nearer to the Shopping Centre they realised a fierce fight was taking place on the roof. They looked upwards to see that James and Mark engaged in a martial arts fueled fistfight with Santa and they were losing. Despite his size Santa was agile and dodged their strikes with ease. James rushed forward with a roundhouse kick as Santa ducked, As James span round he lowered his foot to attack Santa with a low kick but once again it missed. Getting annoyed James aimed at punch at Santa's face but the only thing he hit was air Santa retaliated with a mighty uppercut knocking James up into the air, He hit the ground and didn't move. He was unconscious. Enraged by the defeat of his friend Mark leapt forward with a fly kick but Santa grabbed his foot and slammed him hard into the ground, like James Mark was knocked out. The fight was over and Santa had won......
'Not Yet Bitch!' screamed a voice from above.

A ModForce helicopter hovered above the roof, It was Kaz! She loaded a machine gun and dropped from the helicopter firing bullets at Santa but like a certain Keanu Reeves Character he dodged the bullets with stylish aplomb. Kaz smiled despite this however, she had studied Santa's fighting style and could predict his movements well. As her gun ran out of bullets she threw it at where Santa would dodge to, the hilt of the gun connected with Santa's nose as he stumbled around dazed Kaz kicked him to the stomach as she fell. He doubled over and as soon as she landed she hit him in the face with a high kick. Santa fell to the ground as she aimed a final finishing kick to his face but in a quick movement Santa grabbed her leg and and snapped it in one painful move. He got back onto his feet as Kaz limped away he pulled her up by her hair. The Group had had enough they aimed their guns upwards.
'Ah so you're the Reinforcements? HA! I tell you what, I'm gonna kill you all while this lovely lady here watches!' He threw Kaz aside as they charged up to the roof.

On the roof Ninastar and Brona rushed over to help the injured Kaz while Sia and Rory found Vantage points to use their rifles. 30Stone had took charge, he pulled out a machete from his belt and charged forwards with Lili and Gypsygoth to attack Santa up close and personal. The rest of the group scattered across the roof taking shots at Santa with their guns when they could. However none of them had any luck with hitting him head on, Santa was as agile as ever although the sheer number of opponents had overwhelmed him slightly, he regularly felt hot bullets graze his skins but on one had a direct hit yet. His main concern however was the three people in direct combat with him. Ben, Claudia and Linda weren't having much luck with hitting him either but they were managing to keep him on his toes.
'Get out of the way!' Shouted Shaun as he loaded his Bazooka. He smiled as he flashed back to the incident at Tibb Towers. 'This battle was over' he thought smugly. He pulled the trigger and the rocket hurled forwards towards Santa. However Santa backhanded it away, and towards the Fashion Boutique behind Shaun....

Somewhere in the Bahamas
Hugo had awoken in an cold sweat crying erratically.
'Not the Louboutins.....not the Armani........NOT THE JACK WILLIS! (/AHH)'

The explosion threw Shaun forwards and as he hit the ground the bazooka flew out of his hands. It slid across the floor towards Santa. He reached towards the bazooka not realising that Lili had caught up with him. She slashed downwards chopping his hand off. In immense pain and rage he roared and then smacked Lili in the face with his stump.
'Ack no you di'ent!' She screamed as she slashed at his legs. He cried out in pain and fell to the floor, her blade cut deep. Like with his wife she impaled to the ground with her sword, but he was not dying....
'Here!' Gary picked up the Bazooka and threw it to Ben. He grabbed it and aimed it at the flailing Santa.
'Get out the way Linda!' he cried.
'I can't! He'll start to move again Just shoot!'
'YOU'RE GOING TO DIE IF I DO!'
'DO IT!' she screamed as Ben pulled the trigger.

The rocket flew through the air towards Linda and Santa, she heard the screams of her friends but she stayed in place. It drew closer as Linda punched the sword deeper into the ground and back flipped away from Santa. The Rocket exploded, ripping Santa apart but Linda was alive, They had won and the battle was over. The sun started to rise as the group gathered and looked towards the town. The Shopping District was in ruins and the town was burnt and bruised.
'This is gonna take more then a dustpan and brush, looks like christmas really is ruined this year' Said Sia sadly.
'Oh I Dinnae Ken Sia, All it takes is a little improvisation' Said Linda wisely..

The Next Day
The whole town had got together for a giant Christmas feast, their houses were wrecked and they had killed Santa but their hearts was full of Christmas Joy. Linda sat at the head of the massive table and smiled as she looked at the happy Tibbians. Ross was telling Zee and Ninastar a funny story while a few seats down Princess was drunkenly flirting with Stu ('How would you like to be the father of my next Paycheck? * hiccup * I mean baby). The Admin set at the other end of the table, although they were battered and bruised they smiled at Linda and raised their glasses to her.

'Ho Ho Ho.....' A voice rang through the room. They all turned to see Santa standing at the door! Everyone at the table pulled out a gun and fired a hail at bullets at Santa, He flew backwards and remained still on the ground, he was definitely dead.
'Hang on....We blew Santa to bits....So who was that?' asked Twilight. The room froze in horror as Gary gingerly made his way over the the body. He looked into the body's face and breathed a sigh of relief.
'Don't worry guys it's only Patrick!' They all laughed as they continued with their feast.

Christmas was saved and Tibb Town was safe once more.....Until the next time I get bored. But until then...Merry Christmas everyone.

THE END