Next time you get a blow job, when your about to cum, shout "I've got AIDS!". When they pull back, cum on their face...

...the expression is priceless.

What's orange and sounds like a parrot?

What's Brown and sticky?

There were a group of 3 young men called "****** off", "Manners" and "Sh*t". They were getting ready to do their daily dose of mischief when all of a sudden a car ran over Sh*t and he went flying up in the air, an ambulance came shortly after and one of the paramedics came up to ****** off to ask him what happened

Paramedic: Hello young man, please may I have your name?
****** off: ****** off
Paramedic: Excuse me?
****** off: ****** off
Paramedic: Where on earth are your manners!?
****** off: Manners is over there, picking up Sh*t

'Ben'

:laugh3:

:joker:

I'm glad you amuse yourself. :idc:

I'm managing a disabled tribute act to 'Steps'.
They have changed the name to 'Ramps'

i like silly jokes

kid swallows a pound coin goes to hospital next day the parents phone the hospital to ask how he is doing. the nurse sorry no change lol

:joker::joker:

My Brother said that his got the C Virus, I asked what the hell is the C Virus? my Brother then goes and says that Christopher Maloney has tango'd him.

What's orange and sounds like a parrot?

Three blondes are walking through the woods when they stumble upon a set of tracks.

Blonde #1: I wonder what kind of tracks these are?

Blonde #3: These are definitely moose tracks.

Blonde #2: Are you sure? Something tells me these are bear tracks.

Blonde #1: I think they are horse tracks.

They were still arguing 10 minutes later when they were hit by the train.

There's a blonde a brunette, and a redhead and they are prisoners of war (not WWII), and her captures decide their gunners need target practice, so they will take turns in front of a firing squad.

The redhead goes first and is trying to think of a way to get out. All of a sudden, she points behind the gunners and yells "TORNADO!!!" The gunners turn around and the redhead runs and jumps the fence.

It is the brunette's turn, so she points behind the gunner's and yells "EARTHQUAKE!!!" They all turn around and look and the brunette runs an jumps the fence.

Now it is the blonde's turn. She is thinking 'A natural disaster, a natural disaster...oh, i got it' so she gets up to be shot when she points behind the gunners and yells "FIRE!!!"

A blind man enters a Ladies bar by mistake. He finds his way to a barstool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender: "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"
The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says: "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is just fair - giving that you are blind - that you should know that the bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde, I'm a 6 feet tall, 160 LB, blonde woman with a black belt in Karate, the woman sitting next to me is a blonde professional weightlifter and the lady to your right is a blonde professional wrestler. So d'you still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head and declares: "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times".

:joker:

How do you embarrass an archeologist?



A man is in a hotel lobby. As he runs to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman and as he does, his elbow hits her breast. They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me." She replies, "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 243."

What does a nosey pepper do?

Gets jalapeno business.

There are two blondes. One"s a cop and ones driving a car.

The blonde cop stops the blonde driver and asks for identification.

The blonde driver looks all around in her purse and can"t find her license. "I must have left it at home, officer."

"Well, do you have any kind of identification on you?" asks the cop.

The blonde takes out a pocket mirror and says, "I do have this picture of me."

"Let me see it," says the cop. She holds up the mirror and looks in it. Then she says, "Sorry. If I had known you were a police officer, I wouldn"t have stopped you."

Why did the little boy drop his ice cream cone?

Because he was hit by a bus

Murphy's wife hasn't had an orgasm in their 25 years of marriage. So one day Murphy decides to go to the doctor to ask for some help the doctor says, 'she could be over heating. Try using a towel.'

So Murphy is down the pub that evening and he mentions it to his friend Paddy and asks for his help. Paddy agrees and they go home to help Murphy's wife, Cheryl, hopefully, finally, reach the promised land.

So Murphy is having sex with Cheryl whilst Paddy is wafting the towel, and after 2 and a half hours Cheryl still hasn't orgasmed. So Paddy says, 'let me have a go and you waft the towel.'

Low and behold, after 25 years, Cheryl has an orgasm.

And Murphy turns to Paddy and says, 'that my friend, is how you waft a bloody towel'.

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."

She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"

A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".

There are four kinds of sex :

HOUSE SEX - When you are newly married and have sex all over the house in every room.

BEDROOM SEX - After you have been married for a while, you only have sex in the bedroom.

HALL SEX - After you've been married for many, many years you just pass each other in the hall and say "**** YOU"

COURTROOM SEX - When your wife and her lawyer **** you in the divorce court in front of many people for every penny you've got.

A young guy drops off his girlfriend at her home after being out together on a date. When they reach the front door he leans up against the house with one hand and says to her, "How about a blowjob?"

"What! Are you crazy!"

"Don't worry, it will be quick," he ensures his girlfriend.

"No! Someone might see us..."

"It's just a small blowjob," he insists, "and I know you like it."

"No! I said no!"

"Baby... don't be like that."

Suddenly, the girl's younger sister shows up at the door in her nightgown, with her hair a mess, and rubbing her eyes. She looks at them and smirks, "Dad says either you blow him, I blow him, or he'll come downstairs and blow the guy himself... but for God's sake tell your boyfriend to take his hand off the intercom."

Just finished watching Schindler's List.

Wouldn't recommend it, and I don't agree with the quote on the box, "have a box of Kleenex handy".

It was rubbish, I only used two and that was during the shower scene. *