'The Valleys' on MTV - review: The grubbiest TV show ever?
"I just wanna shag, shag, shag." "I'd even shove a dead donkey up my arse." "The only shooting I want to do tonight is my load all over Jenna's tits." "I was staring at his balls and thinking ****** their massive. He's got a massive conk on him."
Welcome to The Valleys. Somebody asked MTV if they could make a show grubbier and more sordid than Geordie Shore. The answer is a resounding yes.
Making their North-East cousins look like University Challenge, the kids from the Welsh valleys are nine of the most grotesque characters to ever grace a TV screen.
Aron Williams is a kickboxer who enjoys getting his arse out at any given opportunity. He also isn't ashamed to spout off various bits of homophobia ("I'm a bit pissed off. I'll be keeping my arse well away from him") when given the chance.
Carley Belmonte is a wannabe promotions girl (such high aspirations), who will gladly get out her "titties" for any "fitties" and lives up to her word within about 20 seconds of walking onto the show. She jiggles her nipples in the direction of the camera at regular intervals, just in case you didn't get a clear eyeful of her areola the first time.
Nicole Morris is a technicolour, WKD-soaked version of the Wizard of Oz's Scarecrow ("I'd do anything to be brainy. I'd even go to class or something"), who will happily urinate over her co-stars in the shower and proudly boasts that she "goes for gold" with Olympic blowjobs. "I go fast, slow, lick it, suck it and then it just squirts everywhere," she proclaims. Watch out Mo Farah. You have some competition for Sports Personality of the Year.
Barbara Streisand and Bryan Adams fan Liam Powell is the emotional core you are left clinging for dear life onto throughout the first episode as he struggles to reveal that he's gay to his dry-humping, booze-fuelled, brain-dead housemates. He's got a lot of work on his hands to educate this gaggle of imbeciles, who currently believe people "dress gay" and "talk gay".
Darren Chidgey is the liberal-thinking member of the house, whose response to the news that Liam is gay will no doubt be adopted by gay rights campaigners across the globe. "On the plus side, more fanny for us." Incredible.
Jenna Jonathan has a law degree, but spends her time carrying around a pint-sized pooch and she longs for a career as a glamour model. Who said university education was going downhill?
She has a pair of £4,000 boobs and her dad is a tattooed, gun nut for a father. She could be described as the least promiscuous of the cast, but that's like claiming Mel C was the best singer in the Spice Girls. It's not saying much.
Best of the lot is big-mouthed Beyoncé 'lookalike' (if Beyoncé spent a year dieting on Krispy Kremes and lager) Lateysha Grace. Although she claims that she is ready to "******" one of her co-stars after barely 20 minutes with him, she isn't no slag. Oh no. "I started tossing some darts rather than tossing his cock." Move over Emmeline Pankhurst.
There appears to be some kind of vague concept and purpose behind the show (something about the cast achieving their dream careers in Cardiff), but you're smarter than us if you spotted it amid the kickers-around-the-ankles nightclub grinding, bum-slapping, and posing on a beach with only a trio of trout (seriously) to cover their dignity.
Will we watch it next week? Probably. Do we feel incredibly guilty and grubby for saying that? Definitely.
DS
The scenes of them in the nightclub last night....I actually felt embarrassed for them, but they are too stupid to even care. I fear some of their parents will
actually be proud. I wonder how MTV will top this next? It's incomprehensible..
