Originally Posted by Ammi (Post 11595941)

…’blocking’ and distancing himself is how he’s coped, it sounds like…and obviously you coped in how you were able to …but all in all, a huge trauma for both of you and one that neither of you had/have really processed to be able to come come together in your grief…as difficult as it is for you, and I know that it can feel overwhelming at times…the best ‘step’ you can take to try to find any future path back to Josh is to process it all yourself and as James said, some ‘self healing’….and obviously it’ll still be an uncertain path because there is so much that you both have to bring to the surface and he would have to be ready for that as well as you would….

Originally Posted by Nicky91 (Post 11595965)

:hug:

Originally Posted by Barry. (Post 11595969)

We know you don’t mean that.

Kate does your man know you’ve been down? He might also be a good ear to talk to. Hope you are ok

Originally Posted by Nicky91 (Post 11595976)

of course i do mean that

Originally Posted by Kate! (Post 11595938)

Cherie ... I don't have any contact details to be able to write to him. The only tiny bit of access I have is that he now no longer blocks me on Facebook which is a recent thing so I was able to congratulate him not long ago on the wedding and give him my phone number. I didn't get a reply but I'm feeling a lot more positive again today. One day we may be reunited. X

Ammi .. yes you are correct and also on top of all that I was often very depressed whilst bringing him up despite medication. I can trace it all back to the abusive relationship with his dad and then the pressures of being a single parent, and having to do things such as breaking the news to Josh that his dad was in prison for life. So when you factor all that into the equation, when he lost me, he'd lost everyone! I was on the mental health ward for 6 months. All this probably is why he ghosted me. And when I moved in with Karl, I think that was a big deal for him as well, I moved to a different town. I think he felt second best and I didn't get a chance to reassure him.

Originally Posted by ThomasC (Post 11595983)

How much old was Josh when you moved in with Karl?

Originally Posted by Kate! (Post 11595984)

18.

Originally Posted by ThomasC (Post 11595989)

And was part of this dealing with your trauma?

To escape? To cope with the loss of your Mum? Your Nan?

It's good that you can identify why he would feel abandoned.

You chose your new partner over him when he needed you most and at such a young age. ....BUT that's how you dealt with your trauma....and we all make mistakes.

I'm glad that he has no longer blocked you off Facebook. This is probably his way of slowly allowing you back it into his life, but he's just not quite ready to engage. He has a lot of barriers up, but he's made the first step.

Onwards and upwards Kate x

Originally Posted by Kate! (Post 11595991)

Thanks Thomas. The bolded bit.....yes maybe in retrospect but I did consult him before I committed to the move and he said if I was happy and secure then it was fine by him otherwise I'd have reconsidered I think. I do see your point. Xx

Originally Posted by ThomasC (Post 11595993)

Maybe he wasn't being entirely honest with you at that time considering all that had gone on up until that point. X

Originally Posted by Kate! (Post 11595859)

Thanks for the support people. I feel tons better. I know he's safe and happy. That's the main thing.

I'm back to feeling more positive. I have a lot of love and support around me. I'm very lucky.

Originally Posted by Kate! (Post 11595997)

Yes very possible. It's something I could ask should we ever reconnect. X

Originally Posted by ThomasC (Post 11596024)

I think it's the answer that makes most sense

He had no father figure.

He witnessed domestic abuse.

His grandmother died and he, along with you, discovered her.

You had a mental breakdown.

You spent 6 months in a psychiatric hospital.

You then get a partner and move away.


I'm not saying this to make you feel bad Kate, but just looking at it from how he may see it. I think honesty is the best policy in this situation

Onwards and upwards like I say. The Facebook avenue is great and glad he's kept you on there.

Originally Posted by Kate! (Post 11596034)

Just one thing...and I do feel your coming from a fair place and your heart is in the right place too...my son never witnessed the abuse, I left his dad shortly after he was born, and any incidents were when he was being babysat by grandparents. He does know about it though. I explained it all to him when he was older, quite a lot older. And also why his dad was in jail (murder). So that's obviously been very traumatic. So you are correct in that way. I wanted him to have counselling but he never pursued it. Unfortunately for me. Maybe he will one day.

Originally Posted by ThomasC (Post 11596047)

Sounds like you had a very lucky escape.

My point being, it's completely understandable why your son feels the way he does and why he hasn't wanted to see you. Which you know yourself.

Regardless, it sounds like things are moving in the right direction.

He needs to, in his own time, give you the chance to show him that you love him and want to be there for him.

Originally Posted by Kate! (Post 11596048)

Yes Thomas. I do know why he feels that way. I'm so sorry he does. And yes it's perfectly understandable. I think the help group I've joined online will benefit me.

Originally Posted by ThomasC (Post 11596055)

We have no control over what has already happened.

We can only control the present.

Yes it's good to talk about it.

You can't do much more than you're already doing. The ball is in his court.

It needs time

Originally Posted by Cherie (Post 11596072)

If he has opened up FB to you that is a great start Kate, it might be that you may need to make the first move, could you get in touch and say you would like to get them a gift for their wedding, you are good with words so you could say you dont want to impose and your realise he doesn't want you in his life at the moment but you and Karl would like to give them something to celebrate their wedding?

Originally Posted by Kate! (Post 11596074)

Yes I'll actually send a message to that effect. Great idea. Yes I am good at wording things. Cheers.

Edit: done it.

Originally Posted by Vanessa (Post 11596082)

Baby steps. Yes you could definitely send a message. I don't see why not. :love: