|
People often say "icy" is the easiest word to spell and looking at it now, I see why.
|
My m8s granny (called eta) on the father he hated sides, ended up being abused by her 50 yr old son (he was a single child to an extent)..he had been nicknamed tarzan for years and years. He had lived with eta since birth as he was etas own child..
however.......my mates dad was in a family with 13 children so was offoaded with 4 of his brothers to live with eta and tarzan. Anyway years down the line it came out tarzan who was still living at home, just him and his mum did this....swept under the carpet but that's shame for you..but my mate told me on the same day as that volcano erupted...... So I blurted out, as we were both on acid or exstacy....probably both..... What's the difference between tarzan and a volcano? A volcano gets called mount etna, but tarzan just mounts eta. Took us hours to come down from that one. |
I was in a restaurant in Paris and ordered the 'Napoleon Chicken.'
When the dish arrived, I was surprised to find very little meat on it, and it was mainly carcass. I asked the waiter why, and he said 'We only use the 'Boneypart' |
Just saw a dyslexic yorkshireman wearing a cat flap.
|
Got asked the time by a Yodel delivery driver earlier.
I told him it was sometime between 8am and 6pm. |
Ammi..:blush:
I wish I could be bothered to make my tartan paint punchline joke..but it's way way to long...and late I enjoyed yours and will go to sleep smiling about it. |
You can't spell advertisements without putting the ‘semen’ between the ‘tits’.
|
Quote:
|
Quote:
|
Never trust an Electrician with fuzzy hair.
|
Quote:
and punching.. :dance:. |
The word nun is just the letter n doing a forward roll.
|
) Beer Can
If you say 'beer can' in an English accent, it sounds like 'bacon' in a Jamaican accent. 2) Jam Ear Can Beer Can Taking it one step further, if you say 'jam ear can beer can' in an English accent, it sounds like 'Jamaican bacon' in a Jamaican accent. 3) Space Ghetto If you say 'space ghetto' in an American accent, it sounds like 'Spice Girl' in a Scottish accent. 'Boots Cat' sounds like beat-boxing. 4) Boots Cat If you say 'boots cat' quickly over and over again it sounds like you're beat-boxing. 5) In Detroit If you say 'in Detroit' in an American accent, it will sound like you're saying, 'Isn't that right?' in an Irish accent. An Australian coffee for later. 6) Lighter If you're in a cafe in Australia and you'd like more milk or cream in your coffee, don't say, "I'd like my coffee lighter," because they might take it away and bring it back 'later'. 7) Later Conversely, if you're Australian, and you're not quite ready for your coffee yet, don't tell an American waiter or waitress, "I'll have my coffee later." If you do, don't be surprised if they add cream or milk to your coffee. 8) Emma Chizit This next one is admittedly quite an unlikely scenario, but if anyone called 'Emma Chizit' happens to be reading this, be careful when speaking to a South African. If you tell them your name they may think you're asking the price. Specifically, it may sound like you're asking, "How much is it?" "Good eye!" 9) Good Eye If you're a pirate who wears an eye patch, take care when discussing your bad eye and your 'good eye' with an Australian, as it may sound like you are using the Australian greeting for hello, "G'day!" 10) Soviet Union Finally, my Geordie mate has just got a job in Russia campaigning for the rights of napkin makers. It's in the serviette union. |
Can't believe the underdogs had a good result in the EFL third round last night.
Well done Manchester United on beating Rochdale, just. |
Why are melons so lonely?
Because they cantaloupe. |
Once upon a time there were three bears. Now there's ****ing thousands of 'em.
|
My girlfriend was shouting “Give it to me now! I’m so ****ing wet!”
I simply told her “This umbrella is mine. Go get your own.” |
What is a foot long and slippery?
A slipper. |
I ordered a thesaurus from Amazon but when it was delivered all the pages were blank.
I have no words to describe how angry I am. |
What do skeletons say before they begin dining?
Bone appetit. |
Quote:
Rib anyone? |
A lorry loaded with Brussels sprouts has overturned in Fife.
The driver said he had trouble controlling the vehicle due to bad wind. |
I was sat on the end of my bed last night pulling of me Boxers
and the TL said Spoiler: |
|
one of our dutch iconic jokes/gags, explaining the joke ''fok'' is dutch word for breed, and it sounds similar to ****
Hi my name is Henny Huisman i **** horses pardon Henny: Ja Paarden paarden is horses in dutch, and pardon/paarden sound similar either :laugh3: :laugh3: Henny Huisman one of our comedy/talent show host national treasures i say, he is iconic for the first talent show here ''Soundmixshow'' one of his own ''party songs'' |
He's up there with Prior and Hicks.
|
Quote:
|
I used to work with a lad called Anthony. He was only 4ft 8.
We used to call him "Shetland Tony" |
I've come up with a few offensive alternative titles to TV Shows (Anime included) so here it goes.
Sailor Moan (Sailor Moon) Is It Wrong To Pick Up Drugs In A Dungeon? (Is It Wrong To Pick Up Girls In A Dungeon?) Darker Than Lostprophets (Darker Than Black) Sweet Home Alabama (Sweet Home) Cum Dine With Me (Come Dine With Me) Game Of Moans (Game Of Thrones) Fear The Walking Nazi (Fear The Walking Dead) NAMBLA Park (South Park) KKK Detective (True Detective) The *****ville (The Orville) Law & Order: Special Rapist Unit (SVU) Angel: Rooting For The Slave (Angel) - he says that dialogue in Season 4, so I'm adding it.:smug: Farting In Another World (Farming In Another World) I can't think of anymore, so I'll leave you all with these wonderful hypothetical Shows for now.:joker: |
ALFs jokes thread
Last of the Summer Whine
The XXX files Breaking Wind ( Breaking Bad) The Orifice ( The office ) Twin Pricks ( Peaks) Band of Brothels ( Band of Brothers ) Fiends ( Friends ) Off-White is the New Black (Orange is the New Black) The Whingeing Detective ( The Singing Detective) Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk Pro |
Quote:
Fabulous !!! Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk Pro |
Quote:
For my next joke, see if you can actually tell what the joke is. Ian Tina ' Sally Connor Owen Michael India Nathan Gethin Howard Orlaith Michelle Edwin Imogen Nagasaki Erwin Usher Roland Orga 2024 |
Spoiler: |
Quote:
Spoiler: |
Here's my alternative offensive Movie titles.
12 Years A Sex Slave (12 Years A Slave) Gnaw (Saw) Final Fantasy: The *****s Within (Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within) Once Upon A Time On Epstein Island (Once Upon A Time In Hollywood) My Neighbor Vorhees (My Neighbor Totoro) Kruger's Delivery Service (Kiki's Delivery Service) I honestly would want to see Twitter's reaction to half of these, if these Movies were to be made.:joker: |
Love is like a Deck of Cards
At the beginning it’s all Hearts and Diamonds but later on all you want is a club and a spade :) Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk Pro |
I heard on the news that some guy was stealing wheels off police cars
The police are working tirelessly to catch him. [emoji16] Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk Pro |
Quote:
|
What kind of shorts do clouds wear?
Spoiler: |
| All times are GMT. The time now is 12:41 AM. |
Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.11
Copyright ©2000 - 2025, vBulletin Solutions Inc.
User Alert System provided by
Advanced User Tagging (Pro) -
vBulletin Mods & Addons Copyright © 2025 DragonByte Technologies Ltd.
