242nd. Kimberly Kisselovich (BB15)
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RUN:// KIMBOT WRITE-UP
Cast your minds back to June 2014. A simpler time, when American boob model Kimberly “Kimberly “Kimbot” Nyitray” Kisselovich entered the Big Brother house and immediately sort of snatched everyone’s wigs with her cold, sarky, not-one-damn-given-Botox-may-have-been-involved persona. She pretty much breezed through the early stages, often being righteous, funny or both, offering a helping hand to the ‘good’ housemates (was there or was there not an alliance involving her and Danielle? Imagine
that lasting), shutting down the awful ones and kinda becoming this generation’s Germaine Greer in the process (thank god Marlon’s already been eliminated from this ranking) and generally being a breath of fresh air in the form of a Playboy bunny. Could this be our new third place goddess, or perhaps our first ever American/artificial intelligence winner?
Well as anyone who’s watched past, say, Day 12 of BB15 will tell you, no. Because it turned out we were all wrong about Kimbot all along and she was in fact an emotionless humanoid bred to inflict tedium and Steven Goode-shaped babies on the nation. Aside from her growing closeness to the ‘cool gang’ of the house, Kimberly really began to unravel (or whatever the robotic equivalent is. Malfunction? No, that came later) during the séance task, which killed one potentially good housemate dead in their tracks and birthed another. Yes, you didn’t think I’d get 200 words through this write-up without mentioning Ashleigh, did you? Oh boy no. In circumstances that I can’t quite remember considering all tasks from BB15 onwards blend into one giant, disease-ridden pile, she took Kimbot down several pegs during that task, probably far enough down to be on Steven’s level. And we all know how that ended.
Yes, in an attempt to replicate human emotions that went horribly, horribly wrong, Kimbot made the mistake of trying to mate with Steven “Ironic Surname” Goode, spawning a multitude of hashtags and crowd chants and sharp increases in sales of brain bleach along the way. Basically they shagged lol. And Steven’s attempts to impregnate Kimbot weren’t the early things that ended in disaster regarding their relationship: if you’ve forgotten (I envy you if you have), Steven sort of turned out to be the boyfriend from hell and demanded that Kimbot destroy pictures of her ex and do all these other terribly psychopathic things and I’m not really going to much detail at all with this write-up but only because I wouldn’t be able to afford the therapy costs and then one day she managed to escape when Steven had accidentally left the cellar door open and that was Kimbot. The circumstances regarding her departure still seem very creepy to me (and not just because we lost Danielle instead), what with the whole going-on-BOTS-a-week-afterwards-with-a-pillow-up-your-dress thing and the whole it-isn’t-even-possible-to-have-an-ectopic-pregnancy-that-soon-is-it thing and the whole Steven-replacing-her-with-a-literal-robot so I won’t delve too far into those either, but what I will say is that they’re now married (like, she consented and everything. Really. I know), is facing deportation, and has the worst lips in the history of lips. Like, it did seem to me that she (as with most of the cast) was keen on using Big Brother as a platform to become a celebrity, I just didn’t think that the celebrity in question would be Leslie Ash.
Kimbot’s tale is a sad one, not just because she’s legally part of the Goode clan and now has to go with them on their Sunday spa trips, but because she could have been a classic housemate. Yet all she got out of Big Brother was an irritating husband and the face of a duck. #poorkim
Postscript: NYITRAY?!?!
I'm saving
Joel because I enjoy seeing people suffer.
