A young man called Bloggs joins the army. He's a bit timid and his sergeant is a right bastard.
About a month later a call comes through that Blogg's dad has just died, so the Commander says to the sergeant 'Tell Bloggs his dad has died and give him 2 weeks compassionate leave.
The sergeant goes to the barracks and says 'Bloggs your dad has just snuffed it. Piss off for 2 weeks'.
Bloggs is going out of the camp in tears and the Commander sees him and asks what's wrong.
'It's my dad sir', he says, 'But it was the way I was told about it really'.
Anyway he goes home and 2 weeks later returns.
A month after that the Commander gets a call that Blogg's mum has passed away, He tells the sergeant to tell Bloggs, but adds 'Be a bit more subtle about it this time.
The sergeant goes to the barracks and orders everyone out onto the parade ground.
He lines them all up and shouts 'Everyone with mothers to the left. Bloggs, where the f....... hell are you going'?

:joker::joker::joker:

A blonde woman got sacked from the M&M factory. She kept throwing away all the W's.

Three old men found on a desert island. A Japenese, an Irish man and a Scots man.
The Japenese didn't know the war had finished,
the Irish man didn't know it had started and the Scot wanted to start it all over again.

:laugh: Was the Scotsman's name LeatherTrumpet Jenny?:joker:

Q: How many archaeologists does does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Three: One to change it and two to argue about how ancient the old one is.

Q: How many Country & Western Singers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Ten: One to change it and nine to sing about how good the old one was.

Q: How many Luddites does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Two hundred: One to change it and the other one hundred and ninety nine to revolt against the change.

Q. How many TIBB atheists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Duh.... What's a light bulb?

I don't know why but the last one is my favourite.
__________________

Q: What is the definition of male foreplay?
A: You awake?

:joker:

What's the difference between Katy Price and a bucket of shyte?

My girlfriends left me, she's taken the Television, The Satellite dish and my Bob Marley cd collection.

How did I escape Iraq?

:laugh:

:laugh:

A girl walks into a supermarket. She picks up a banana, a can of soup, and a loaf of bread. She then walks up to the cash register to pay.
The cashier looks at her and the items she has and says, "I can tell you're single."
She smiles and responds, "How do you know that?"
He says, "Because you're ugly."