It’s a nice, peaceful Christmas in Turkey with Alda Trimmings. In fact, it’s so peaceful that the only thing she has to worry about is how bloody hot it is.
http://i.imgur.com/tHIMRKI.png
[culturally offensive? Moi?]
Alda:
Welcome to the time
Of the year
It gets cool
Better get your knitwear out, boo
But wait, something’s wrong
It is meant
To be Yule
Yet right now it’s warm, winter hew?
I wanna feel gay and merry
And dream of a Christmas white
But this turkey’s tired of roasting
In the sweltering sun light
I would be rather
In the Sahara
Just like carbonara
It’s too hot for December
Dance break in which Alda brings out her famous Turkish friends a la that nice Muslim girl Taylor Swift. So, please welcome to the stage Paul Ankara, Denizli Washington, Sandra Istanbullock, Jason Biraz, Kebabra Streisand, the ghost of Cilla Black Sea, Goreme Norton, Galatasaray Charles, Doner Karen, Konya from EastEnders, Pita Andre, Dame Karaman Brady, Patnos Stewart, Ramadaniel Radcliffe, Pudsey the Doğubeyazıt and the entire population of this place!
Alda (cont.):
Delete it fat until the morning light
And by 'it' I mean your clothes, alright?
Pack your bags and bring your Christmas tree
‘Cause in Turkey
It’s too hot for December
Tell me what it’s like
Imagine
Christmas scenes
Nativity at 90 °C
Herod in the sand
Three Wise Men
In their trunks
Think of baby Jesus on the beach
Heat exchanger in the manger
A barn burning in the night
Every year, January
Is far from Turkish delight
Boiling like lava
Vaporising saliva
Baby got baklava
It’s too hot for December
Dance break in which she sits down for a nice carrot and a fag, and scrolls through the local version of Tinder, Turkey’s most popular app Turk Men I Stan. To her horror, she can find only Jay’s Meet the Members photos. She swipes left. She then sets fire to the phone.
Russian troops invade the stage mid-chorus (bit rude tbh) and the tune changes from to a twisted, nightmarish version of Boney M. Y'know. More so.
Russian Troop Dudes:
Ra-ra-ra-Putin
He hates queers and Charlie Sheen
You shot our plane down, now you must pay
Ra-ra-ra-Putin
Mother Russia’s drama queen
We’ll stop this song now, singing’s for gays
The Russian troops put the entire arena on lock-down because they're still bitter over Polina losing or summat. There’s one gay guy still dancing along in the audience. They shoot him, naturally.
Suddenly…
Russian Troop Dude #1: Look! Up in the sky! It’s a bird!
Russian Troop Dude #2: It’s a plane!
Russian Troop Dude #3: Let’s shoot it!
Russian Troop Dude #1: ****ing hell Russian Troop Dude #3 stop shooting everything you got us into this mess in the first place
Russian Troop Dude #3: #sorrynotsorry #unapologeticbitch
Russian Troop Dude #2: (right I’ll be the one sticking to the ****ing script then shall I) No, it’s Barack O'Bieber!
http://i.imgur.com/ZcazxNX.png
Barack O'Bieber flies down from the ceiling, having just rescued a kitten from a tree. He begins to play a tune on his acoustic guitar. Everyone swoons, including Russian Troop Dude #1, who's a total closet case. They shoot him.
Barack O'Bieber:
For all the times that you invaded my mates
And all the times to the U.N. you were late
You consider Putin bae
What happened to your taste
You wanna bring down the west
Well let’s get one thing straight
And I didn’t wanna come along
In my private jet cause of climate change, it’s just
I’m environmentally conscious
And baby all your laws are wrong
And I think your treatment of the ***** is whack
Maybe you should know that
Obama don’t like you and he likes everyone
(Except the right wing and all who own a gun)
And I’ve been so caught up in my job
Playing golf and stroking dogs
But now I know
I’m better ruling on my own
Cause if you like the way you ride a horse
Oh Putin you should go and love yourself
And if you think that this won't end in divorce
Hunty you should go and love yourself
Screaming teenage girls invade the stage. The Russians shoot them. They then call in back-up, in the form of their bezzie mate...
Enter Donald Trump and the Donald Trump Dancers.
Donald Trump:
I whip my hair back and forth
I whip my hair back and forth (just whip it)
I whip my hair back and forth
I whip my hair back and forth (whip it real good)
I whip my hair back and forth
I whip my hair back and forth
I whip my hair back and forth
I whip my hair back and forth
Wake up 6am, do my stretches
Eat up Democrats for breakfast
Take ‘em out on stretchers
And we ain’t doin’ nothin’ wrong
‘Cept casual racism
Wait, did I say casual
Even Mel Gibson would say
Hey, tone it down mate (yeah)
Let’s hope the Mexicans are screwed
When we turn our back, whip our hair and just
Build that wall, build that wall
Build that wall, build that wall
Don’t let haters call me Von Clownstick
They’re, like, ISIS or one of those brown pricks
Keep fighting against free healthcare
When I'm down but my wig is sticking up
I whip my hair back and forth
I whip my hair back and forth (just whip it)
I whip my hair back and forth
I whip my hair back and forth (whip it real good)
I whip my hair back and forth
I whip my hair back and forth (don’t tell Melania)
I whip my hair back and forth
I whip my hair back and forth (whip it real good)
I whip my hair back and forth
I whip my hair back and forth (just whip it)
I whip my hair back and forth
I whip my hair back and forth (whip it real good)
Time for the r-r-r-r-remix!
He raps. Well... tries to.
Donald Trump (cont.):
Hey there, bitch, my name is Trump
I’m the, ahem, 'special' cousin of Forrest Gump
Millions of Americans are down on their luck?
Well guess what buddy, I don’t give a Donald Duck
My solution to any political tension
Is sh
itloads of military intervention
All the pinko haters are just jealous of my hair
I bribed my way to the top, fair and square
Just watch, I’m gonna set a precedent
As the first anthropomorphic scrotum to run for American president
I put Slim Jims before Muslims
Forced segregation is how this guy wins
You can try and fight me but you won’t succeed
Cut me and red, white and blue I’ll bleed
Well actually my veins are clogged with BBQ sauce
But tell me: have you even got your own golf course?
It’s in Scotland, but it’s the thought that counts
I hired Alex Salmond just to manage my accounts
I do what I wanna do, just because
Hey, I wonder what this great big red button does-
http://justnewsone.com/wp-content/up...2015/11/10.jpg
The end! Literally. Also Jeremy Corbyn and Kim Jong Un didn't turn up at any point so here they are to wish you all a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.
#polotics
