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Ammi	15-10-2016 11:12 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by TomC (Post 9013785)

These posts are just both so lovely and make so much sense :love:

I stupidly sent him a drunken message last night about how I feel. This morning, I apologized and explained where it came from, saying that we're coming at this from different angles, and I feel like I've been lifted up a lot recently and then dropped a little. He seems kind of understanding but also said he was doing normal dating procedure. the last thing he said was just 'yeah'.

I guess that's it then - I'm pretty convinced now I've completely messed it up and he's been completely scared away by my outpouring of emotion. This hurts sooo much. Like I was really into him, and kissing him was one of the best moments in my life so far, but I guess it just wasn't meant to be, even if I was convinced it was for weeks. I know this sounds dumb, but how do I move on from this, something which has been a pretty big part of my life for like nearly a month now? :(

..it was meant to be though because it gave you one of the best moments in your life Tom in that kiss you shared...sometimes, people are only meant to brush our lives with a kiss but are not meant to be a bigger part of it.. it's still left you with something of deep meaning though with that kiss so was very much meant to be...and you will move on and move forward if that's all it was meant to be and the good thing with that is that he can stay 'perfect'-ish because if that's it now, then you won't have to experience all of his imperfections and how messy and grim he looks in the mornings and how grumpy etc he could well be and how moody/he's probably a nightmare...if that's it then he's left you with the best of him../with that great kiss...it's his loss only and completely if that's all he was looking for because there is so much more to discover in someone... and you'll move on a bit at a time and getting less painful a bit at a time with the help of your friends from uni who care about you after such a short time, wow what great people eh...with all of the other things that your independence and this time is giving you, so much to experience/with all of those who care about you...you'll move on if that's what's meant to be and you'll meet someone who is meant to be more than a kiss in your life...I promise you....:hug:...

...(deleting phone numbers from your phone as well is something you could consider for those drunken moments..:laugh:...)...

Jamie89

15-10-2016 11:46 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by TomC (Post 9013785)

These posts are just both so lovely and make so much sense :love:

I stupidly sent him a drunken message last night about how I feel. This morning, I apologized and explained where it came from, saying that we're coming at this from different angles, and I feel like I've been lifted up a lot recently and then dropped a little. He seems kind of understanding but also said he was doing normal dating procedure. the last thing he said was just 'yeah'.

I guess that's it then - I'm pretty convinced now I've completely messed it up and he's been completely scared away by my outpouring of emotion. This hurts sooo much. Like I was really into him, and kissing him was one of the best moments in my life so far, but I guess it just wasn't meant to be, even if I was convinced it was for weeks. I know this sounds dumb, but how do I move on from this, something which has been a pretty big part of my life for like nearly a month now? :(

It's just that really, there's no 'messing up' involved, none of it was a mistake and you haven't done anything wrong that's led to you feeling like this. It's just that sometimes we fall for people and it turns out they're people we shouldn't have fallen for. And that's not their fault either, it's just the way it is. It happens to absolutely everyone, and if I'm wrong and it doesn't, then to be perfectly honest I feel sorry for people it hasn't happened to because like you said, you got one of the best moments in your life from it and that makes you really lucky. And one day you'll fall for someone else, and he'll fall for you too, and he'll feel all the same things that you've felt during this, and you'll get a whole load of new best life moments that bump the kiss with this guy at least out of the top 10 :laugh: and you should always have hope for that. There's nothing to do to move on from it though except just to get on with things for now, and you'll gradually feel better about the whole situation and you'll move on naturally from it :love:

TomC	15-10-2016 12:00 PM

Well thanks so much for your advice guys :)

Literally straight after I posted this I sent him what was gonna be my last message just saying I was sorry about this, and for messing it up, and he replied saying I hadn't messed it up and we could still meet up if I want.

What do people make of this? Should I stick to the advice I got of just kind of not being so invested in it and taking a step back?

Jamie89

15-10-2016 12:38 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by TomC (Post 9013834)

I think you should go for it if that's what you want. It just comes down to whether or not you want to keep seeing him and only you know that. Your friends will tell you not to get too invested because they don't want you to get hurt, you have to do what's right for you though.

That being said, this bit...

"he replied saying I hadn't messed it up and we could still meet up if I want."

Is that how he worded it? :worry: If it is then it sounds really off to me tbh, he isn't saying he wants to meet up, it's almost like he's suggesting he's doing you a favour (but like I've said before, you'll have a better idea than me or anyone else how he feels... it just doesn't look good to me is all).

TomC	15-10-2016 12:45 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jamie89 (Post 9013841)

He said 'if you'd like to.' Tbh I didn't read into that :joker:

I think I'll just go with the flow - maybe try and arrange something next week. I'm just too scared to miss out on what could be if that makes sense.

Jamie89

15-10-2016 12:48 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by TomC (Post 9013844)

Now I'm reading too much into things too :joker: Ok just ignore me actually :laugh: if you feel like you want to keep seeing him then go for it, life's too short!

TomC	15-10-2016 01:03 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jamie89 (Post 9013845)

Now I'm reading too much into things too :joker: Ok just ignore me actually :laugh: if you feel like you want to keep seeing him then go for it, life's too short!

Thanks for your advice Jamie :)

I hate how we're all leaving uni next week, it's gonna make this part drawn out haha.

Ammi	16-10-2016 07:26 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by TomC (Post 9013834)

...just fairly much what Jamie has said, Tom...and I think that you're finding your answers yourself anyway in that you're following your own emotions and instincts with this and that's all any of us do....any 'advice' is only hindsight type stuff of our own life experiences or those we have known with others, you know...and although that can be considered, we all have to 'live' things, good, bad and indifferent to create our the personal experiences that will apply to us through our lives...your heart is saying to pursue it because you've made another date, so that's always going to be the right move and decision for you...whether it be one that increases confusion or not etc still wouldn't make it wrong...if it brings us happiness then that's amazing and if it brings us sadness, then we'll get through that time with the people who care for us with the knowledge that, that person isn't someone we would want to keep in our lives and place alongside these great people we have....but the hardest thing is having an opportunity and letting it go and never knowing...I hope it all goes well for you next week...:love:...

Maru	16-10-2016 03:26 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by TomC (Post 9013844)

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jamie89 (Post 9013845)

Now I'm reading too much into things too :joker: Ok just ignore me actually :laugh: if you feel like you want to keep seeing him then go for it, life's too short!

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mokka (Post 9013076)

Aww, hon :hug:
Love, the feelings surrounding love, the depth of love.... these things are all uncontrollable by us, and some times we just have to ride the waves of them out. Sometimes our feelings get really deep really fast in a relationship, despite our better judgement... that doesn't make them not real.... but you do have to consider why that is? Is it him, and him and you together making you feel so attached? Or is it your own feelings about love and a relationship at this time? I know you think you have put in a lot of time and emotion towards this guy....but it is merely a drop in the bucket of how long it takes to get to know someone, and know if they are right for you, and with you. So give it more time if you feel there is something there, but don't let it be your only source of happiness in life. Emotional independence is sexy in a partner. Codependency tends to send people in the other direction.

When I was dating, if someone was giving me too many mixed signals, I got over them and moved on... life is just too short to stress about it. You have to love yourself, love the people you are around... if you were feeling that amazing just from small things like a kiss, just imagine how great it will be when you are in a mutually loving relationship... I would just take it as a positive sign you're at least ready to get your feet wet, and move onto the next fine gentlemen who is ready for some TomC

I read several pages back you said something about he invited you out with his friends... well ****, capitalize on that kind of crap. If someone wants you around, show up and friend up the **** out of that place (you could pick up one of his friends :laugh:) and have some good ol' genuine fun, whether there's any flirting or not. But seriously, if he's giving you this many issues, it's time to cut him from TomC goodness and give someone else a chance who might actually be truly interested in who you are and what you're about... you're worth so much more than that. Go book a visit with your local spa and start to make a list of wonderful things like a booklist or other fun events and hobbies you could go to post-semester

I think LGBT events sounds like a great way to meet new people but only if you would actually enjoy the events themselves... if clubbing is not your thing, then find more intimate settings. LGBT folk do a lot more than just club, drink and dance (in general)... look for groups that do things you care about, like green initiatives, marathons for important causes... or see if there are intellectual clubs... but the mission shouldn't be to go pick people up, you should actually enjoy/feel buzzed to go do those things... that way you are more likely to meet people you have things in common with. Anyway, you are young, you have plenty of time to find Mr. Right and just because this one isn't feeling it doesn't mean that nobody else will be... you guys could always stay casual friends and maybe down the line things will change, but cutting him from your emotional payroll so you can focus on you would be to your benefit

TomC	16-10-2016 11:48 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Maru (Post 9015808)

I don't think texts are working for this relationship :laugh:

TomC, I haven't been able to keep up with the thread that closely, but it sounds like to me overall some distance and emergency self-care is called for...

A month is such a short period of time really. I agree wholeheartedly with Mokka a page back

When I was dating, if someone was giving me too many mixed signals, I got over them and moved on... life is just too short to stress about it. You have to love yourself, love the people you are around... if you were feeling that amazing just from small things like a kiss, just imagine how great it will be when you are in a mutually loving relationship... I would just take it as a positive sign you're at least ready to get your feet wet, and move onto the next fine gentlemen who is ready for some TomC

I read several pages back you said something about he invited you out with his friends... well ****, capitalize on that kind of crap. If someone wants you around, show up and friend up the **** out of that place (you could pick up one of his friends :laugh:) and have some good ol' genuine fun, whether there's any flirting or not. But seriously, if he's giving you this many issues, it's time to cut him from TomC goodness and give someone else a chance who might actually be truly interested in who you are and what you're about... you're worth so much more than that. Go book a visit with your local spa and start to make a list of wonderful things like a booklist or other fun events and hobbies you could go to post-semester

I think LGBT events sounds like a great way to meet new people but only if you would actually enjoy the events themselves... if clubbing is not your thing, then find more intimate settings. LGBT folk do a lot more than just club, drink and dance (in general)... look for groups that do things you care about, like green initiatives, marathons for important causes... or see if there are intellectual clubs... but the mission shouldn't be to go pick people up, you should actually enjoy/feel buzzed to go do those things... that way you are more likely to meet people you have things in common with. Anyway, you are young, you have plenty of time to find Mr. Right and just because this one isn't feeling it doesn't mean that nobody else will be... you guys could always stay casual friends and maybe down the line things will change, but cutting him from your emotional payroll so you can focus on you would be to your benefit

Disclaimer: I am slightly drunk rn.

What do you mean emergency self-care? :laugh:

Distancing yourself when someone sends you mixed messages in dating sounds like a good idea, but for some reason I just can't imagine myself with/am not interested in anyone else at the moment.

It just feels like he's not giving me issues. I'm the one with the issues because of my desperation.

Maru	19-10-2016 02:11 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by TomC (Post 9017131)

Disclaimer: I am slightly drunk rn.

What do you mean emergency self-care? :laugh:

:hehe:... mainly pampering, but you can interpret that one however you wish

Quote:

Distancing yourself when someone sends you mixed messages in dating sounds like a good idea, but for some reason I just can't imagine myself with/am not interested in anyone else at the moment.

It just feels like he's not giving me issues. I'm the one with the issues because of my desperation.

It's hard to imagine the situation clearly through forum text, but I don't think your sense of desperation would be the cause of mixed signals. If he owes you anything really, it's just a straight forward answer (not sure if you really received that, seemed mixed from what I read)... but some people are not capable of handling uncomfortable confrontation well or they just would rather avoid dealing with it entirely, so they are not able to be straightforward. It's not your fault really, it's just how relationships work sometimes...

If you feel like taking a break from dating for a bit would be a good idea, then I think follow your intuition first, but just don't completely ignore all the other fish that are out there... floating around waiting for TomC to attract them with his pole :laugh:. Maybe something can happen on it's own while you are not really looking.

First guy I ever dated, he waffled about and was acting strangely (sorta like your situation) until we finally both parted ways. I knew it wouldn't have worked long-term as we were too different, but I just liked the pleasant feeling of being around him. Though I didn't like how insecure he made me feel with his non-committal behavior at times as he was a bit of a douche, but I still wasn't ready for it to end. In retrospect, I realized it was the best time when it did. It doesn't hurt any less, whether you separate out of choice or not. It took a little while for me to get over it (several months), especially seeing him around on occasion and he was already moving on, but when I finally was ready, I realized life is just too short to be so fixated on one possibility and that at the end of the day, it was about opening my heart to all that was available to me that determined the quality of my options... dating is more fun when it's on your terms (i.e. not a struggle to get someone to like you, impress them, etc). It's also good to meet different people, either people much like yourself, or just total opposites. You learn things about yourself and about other people in general that are not only good memories to have, but experiences you'll cherish for the rest of your life...

TomC	24-10-2016 06:01 PM

Sooooo...

i went home for the week last week - by the end I'd realized that my 'obsession' with him had been very unhealthy. I felt much better about it when I returned to uni - open to other things, and actually, was ready to throw this guy if he didn't show immediate interest the next time I tried.

So, today I tried to organize a meet up - he gave a kind of flaky response, so I told him (because at this point I was pretty much done with it anyway) that he needs to be more honest with people. He didn't take this well! He said I was being entitled, and that I needed to calm down and that there was now no chance of a second date after a bit of a hostile exchange.

Whilst this was for the best (and I am so glad he said this to me now, rather than 10 days ago or so when it would really have hurt my feelings), it's a shame the chapter is well and truly over, and tbh what he said wasn't the nicest.

Ammi	24-10-2016 06:22 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by TomC (Post 9026820)

Sooooo...

i went home for the week last week - by the end I'd realized that my 'obsession' with him had been very unhealthy. I felt much better about it when I returned to uni - open to other things, and actually, was ready to throw this guy if he didn't show immediate interest the next time I tried.

So, today I tried to organize a meet up - he gave a kind of flaky response, so I told him (because at this point I was pretty much done with it anyway) that he needs to be more honest with people. He didn't take this well! He said I was being entitled, and that I needed to calm down and that there was now no chance of a second date after a bit of a hostile exchange.

Whilst this was for the best (and I am so glad he said this to me now, rather than 10 days ago or so when it would really have hurt my feelings), it's a shame the chapter is well and truly over, and tbh what he said wasn't the nicest.

...hmmmm, but the chapter was so worth while in experiencing Tom...(I know it might not feel that way atm...:hug:..)..but you had to know because of your attraction to him, this is something that you had to explore and you have...if he's not looking for any type of relationship then he just isn't the person for you and as you say.../that's something that's good to know now and much easier for you to close the door on but a closed door on someone is really an open door for someone who will be more who you're looking for...when something is over though Tom...what that really means is that it's all open for something to begin.../something right to begin...:hug:...

Ammi	24-10-2016 06:25 PM

..aaaaaaaaaaaaand you've realised what great uni friendships you have so this will give you time and opportunity to spend more time with them and creating deeper bonds...?.../something that you would have missed out on had you spent time with him...this way you get to spend time with great friends and also are open to meeting someone that you'll really connect with and who will feel the same with you...:love:..

TomC	24-10-2016 10:15 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ammi (Post 9026892)

Yeah I got some great times from this - buuuut he's now certified asshole :laugh:

I'm just gonna move forward with the experience I gained from this.

Ammi	25-10-2016 05:24 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by TomC (Post 9027674)

Yeah I got some great times from this - buuuut he's now certified asshole :laugh:

I'm just gonna move forward with the experience I gained from this.

...he was a great kiss, even a certified ass can be something lovely in your life and the perfect thing at the perfect time, type thing...but then because you don't want to keep an ass for anything more, it's just keeping that kiss and enjoying every other experience that you're having atm and enjoying those non asses around you that might have more long term meaning in your life../those friendships and great people that you're meeting...:love:..some day that ass will be a prince Tom ....

TomC	25-01-2017 07:49 PM

Okay, I know TIBB isn't really the place for serious topics but I must offload!!

Basically I was pretty sure I was never gonna speak to this guy again. But a few days ago I added him back on FB whilst drunk and he accepted. This did kinda reignite my interest in a very small way. Then I saw him whilst out last night and he looked pretty good, and he ended up messaging me and in the end we met to 'talk' about what had happened. He said he was sorry and he wanted to be civil. He stayed the night and we kissed quite passionately and we also went into sexual territory but I wasn't really feeling that. He left really quickly in the morning.

Today I've just felt so down (because of others things too) because I am interested again (although not as much as last time - I don't find him as attractive now) and just feel like something could happen but on the flip side I don't wanna degrade myself after how I was treated, AND my friends hate him and won't talk about him AND I just cba going on this emotional rollercoaster again.

Why do I get like this though? Why am I so attached to this one person? Why does a hookup mean so much to me? Honestly, I feel I might need a counsellor.

UserSince2005

25-01-2017 07:58 PM

The best advice I was ever given was that you are attracted to who you think he is not who he actually is.

You don't really know the person.

The way he acts is who he really is.

Your lust is imaginary.

If you were strong enough to truly rationalise that he's a dick, then you wouldn't be attracted to him.

UserSince2005

25-01-2017 07:59 PM

Another piece of good advice:

If you ever think someone is better than you, or above you - Just imagine them having a **** and it being really smelly - disgusting bastard.

TomC	25-01-2017 09:01 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by UserSince2005 (Post 9179877)

Another piece of good advice:

If you ever think someone is better than you, or above you - Just imagine them having a **** and it being really smelly - disgusting bastard.

:joker::joker: Thank you for lightening my mood

y.winter

26-01-2017 05:58 AM

I think maybe you should just move on? as hard as it can be...
It doesn't sound like it's meant to be. I think it should be more nice and smooth, but it just looks like fighting to stick the wrong piece in the puzzle. There's some good suitable puzzle out there.

Beso	26-01-2017 06:17 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by TomC (Post 9179850)

Just give in and give him what he wants.

TomC	26-01-2017 08:36 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by parmnion (Post 9180728)

Just give in and give him what he wants.

Which is what? :worry:

TomC	26-01-2017 08:37 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by y.winter (Post 9180722)

Yeah I actually think I've just latched onto him so hard because he somewhat resembles a fitting puzzle piece and because he is like the only option cos i find it so hard to meet people

Beso	26-01-2017 07:04 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by TomC (Post 9180781)

Which is what? :worry:

A booty call.

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