My work in progress.
 

I like to write, but I really think this could be the one that I get into. I've only written a prologue and I will be adding to it before I start Chapter One, but I was just wanting to know everyone's thoughts =]

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Prologue

Niall Vass was never going to come out quietly. Nor was he a fool. The police had him surrounded. The blaring whirl of the helicopter’s blades sliced the air with menace, the negotiator was pleading him to shuffle just a few steps forwards and to step out of the building with his hands up. They promised him immunity, though he did not believe it for one moment. Whereas most people in his situation would probably opt to wait it out and let the SWAT team take him out rather than spend the rest of their lives in prison, he did not want to die. Not here and not now, he needed to support his kids, his girlfriend. He took a deep breath, and stepped outside. A neon flash of blue stung his eyes, which was then replaced with a blinding white. The sudden slap of cold metal against his wrists and then being rammed up against the police car hit him just as hard, and then he was bundled into the back of the car.

All of this had taken place some four years ago. To this day, Niall regretted it. He should have tried to escape. He was surrounded but he took the coward’s way out and gave in. Of course, this had improved the length of his sentence, but not by much. It was still a life sentence, only at least he had a chance of parole now. His inmates at the high security complex were just as terrifying. There was Rusty, the famed maniac who burst into a school and stabbed as many people as he could get his hands on, including two police officers. In all, twenty two people died that day, with many more wounded. Some might have said he was insane in the head. His inmates would say so too. But he did not plead insanity, he meant it completely. Once jailed, he tried to kill his fellow inmates and now had to be chained to the bed and only let out for bathroom breaks (accompanied by six officers, two of who would physically stand beside him as he urinated, and even defecating) and his meals were fed to him by an officer. He was not given the freedom of having a tray, plastic knife and plastic fork. As well as this interesting character, Niall had the delights of Kenneth Sinclair, famous for his vengeance campaign and stalking, and then killing freed murderers. Many of the general public even egged him on, believing what he was doing to be right, but in the eyes of the law, an eye for an eye is not the way to go. He was given a life sentence and received weekly counselling. Niall feared for his life with these two characters sharing a room with him. Indeed, he was afraid to sleep with Kenneth free to wander around the room. He soon found a way to remedy this; he befriended Kenneth and pretended that he was a political prisoner. Kenneth fell for it, and gave him no trouble.

Niall was woken up with a harsh slap across the face. He groggily lunged forwards, expecting to have to lose a few teeth. The butt of a rifle clunked into his forehead, and Niall flew backwards, back onto his bed. He forced his eyes open and saw several guards standing over him. He glared for a moment, before being sick all over the floor. A little bit of sick splashed onto one of the guard’s shoes. The guard in question charged forwards and grabbed Niall by the back of the head, and bellowed at him.

“LICK THAT OFF MY SHOE, NOW!” The bullish man screamed at Niall. Niall closed his eyes as he licked his own sick from the man’s shoe.

“SWALLOW IT!” The devilish man was grinning like the Grim Reaper upon claiming a new victim, as he relished his control over Niall.

Niall shuddered violently, and he couldn’t do it. He coughed the sick back onto the ground, this time over to the side, away from the shoe.

“Leave it.” The commanding officer spoke calmly, and instantly the other officers fell silent.

“Niall Vass, you are being transferred.”

Niall saw the man with the syringe step forwards. All he had time for was “What the-“before he fell into a deep sleep. When he next woke up, he was no longer in his jail cell. No, what he was in, was a house. But this was no normal house. Because there were at least 70 other people in this house, and as he scanned the room, he couldn’t help but notice they were all dressed in the clothes that every prisoner has to wear. What they were in, was a jail house.

It's really good that Zi, your really talented at writing. The other story you posted a while back about the girl who was being abused... you said there was going to be more parts to it (if my memory is right), is there because it was a good read.

wow Ziola that is pretty well good. Are you hoping to be an author ?I would consider it if i was you. Well done mate.

Wow, thats amazing, you truly do have a talent there. Well Done Z.

Yes... I would like to read more!! It makes you wonder just how bad prison life must be!!!! Also, I have always assumed that prison guards probably choose this work because many of them are control freaks with a yearning for power. I think you should go for it.!! :thumbs:

That's really good!

Zi, that's really, really good
Y'know, I love writing as well- should be able to post some of my novel soon :hello:

I love writing too, but I'm sure my stuff sucks

Awww I'm sure it doesn't

lmao my first book was craaaap :spin2: I wrote it when I was four. It involved a boy who killed a monster with a football and robot teachers who said 'Hello, my name is Robot', lmao :laugh:

My first book was about a talking wall...:laugh:

Pmsl!! :laugh:

My second book, when I was six, involved a kangaroo called Lunky Doodle Doo, a mad thing called Nawko, and goats singing about commiting suicide... :spin2:

One of my stories involves me killing everyone out of rage... muahahaha :wink:

=] Thank you everyone. Yes I did do more about the girl who was abused but I figured it would be a bit tasteless to post it after the dubious reactions, I mean I hardly know what it's like to abused (nor do I know what it's like to be in prison) but I have a better idea of what you might expect. So many programs on TV bother to do research about jail, you get a grasp of prison life in a maximum security retention centre.

Awww heya Zi as I said it's brill, I don't think it's tasteless I'd love to read it! :wink:

=D well when I go back onto our PC (am on my laptop) I shall post some more of the abuse story. =]

lmao d'ya write mostly on the computer then?

Yes, though I handwrote the full length novel I did, I still have it stored away, thinking that one day I might send it off :D

I al;ways handwrite. It's quicker. And I write on the bus, at school, while I'm walking my dog... you name it. How long was the novel, btw?

I jot down ideas and stuff by hand and may write a bit by hand but the finished thing is always computered

Thats excellent Z :hello: I love your writing style, it kept my attention the whole way through and lead me through the text. :thumbs:

Yeeah same here. I usually redraft on the computer- publishers only take stuff that's printed AND double spaced :rolleyes:

Really? Why doubled... that would annoy me so much!

Ask the publishers lmao :rolleyes: apparently so they can read it....

Are they blind?!

Hahahaha

If they publish Snowfox I'll buy them each a pair of glasses... if I'm feeling nice... :tongue:

lol!

Thats so stupid though, so they can read! They sell books normal spaced, can't they read their own books?

Pmsl probably not... :tongue:

It was 173 pages of paper. O_O Yes I just spent the last ten minutes counting that.

Regarding double spaced I have to do my uni essays double spaced:conf:
Thats great though Z

Heh, thanks Rebecca =].

Oh and just in case you're thinking 173 pages isn't that much, my handwriting is tiny XD.

lmao so's mine I squish it all together!!

Right, Science!! :bored:

XD my teachers take a total nutter when I hand work in, my handwriting's titchy!

I know same here, they get seriously pissed off!! Hehe it's so close together only I can read it!! :hugesmile:

Lol, that sounds so much like my friend Nina, her writing's a bit of a scrawl so when she wrote 'workers' it looked more like 'w*nkers' which had us in stitches and earned us both a punishment.. :blush:

Awww that's cruel :sad: Meanie teacher...
I know I ALWAYS do stuff like that!! Wankers hehe how appropiate. Maybe the teacher realised that... :laugh:

I added a bit more to the prologue, but I have LOADS more to add to it XD

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Prologue

Niall Vass was never going to come out quietly. Nor was he a fool. The police had him surrounded. The blaring whirl of the helicopter’s blades sliced the air with menace, the negotiator was pleading him to shuffle just a few steps forwards and to step out of the building with his hands up. They promised him immunity, though he did not believe it for one moment. Whereas most people in his situation would probably opt to wait it out and let the SWAT team take him out rather than spend the rest of their lives in prison, he did not want to die. Not here and not now, he needed to support his kids, his girlfriend. He took a deep breath, and stepped outside. A neon flash of blue stung his eyes, which was then replaced with a blinding white. The sudden slap of cold metal against his wrists and then being rammed up against the police car hit him just as hard, and then he was bundled into the back of the car.

His girlfriend, Amy, was weary after the forty eight hour long struggle that Niall had gone through. She had been contacted right away by the police, who were looking for him. When she told them he had gone out some while ago, they had demanded to come round for questioning. Confused, but intrigued, she happily accepted. The police arrived only five minutes later, and quickly pounded on the door. Being just as quick as the officers, she opened the door with such force that the woman rapping her fist on the door fell forwards into the flat.

“Calm the beans!” Amy laughed heartily, only to receive a look of such disgust from the officer that she shut up.

“Where is he?” The officer, who introduced herself as Joanne Lindsay growled

“Niall? Well like I said on the phone, he went out.” Amy’s eyes narrowed slightly, wondering what the police wanted with Niall now.

“Where to, exactly did he go, Miss Dawson?” Joanne’s gravely voice reverberated around the room.

“Well I presume he’d be at the pub, he usually goes there on a Tuesday night…” Amy could see that if the police thought Niall was at the pub, they wouldn’t be here.

“Miss Dawson, do you realise it’s a criminal offence to pervert the court of justice?”

“The only pervert I know of left this house a few hours ago. Eyeing up that pathetic piece of white trash…” Amy trailed off, realising she could very well end up in jail if she pissed this woman off any more.

“Miss Dawson, where is Niall Vass?”

“How would I know! He’s a two timing son of a,” She paused here, remembering only too well that swearing in front of a police officer was not advisable. “Gun, he leaves me here at home with his kids and our own baby, thinking I’m some kind of superhero! Do I look like I’m coping?” Amy Dawson couldn’t help the ocean of tears that trickled down her face, but she knew very well how to trick people.

But Joanne Lindsay was one smart woman. She had seen this before, and wasn’t going to be forgetting it any time soon.

“Save the theatrics, Miss Dawson, you’re coming with us.”

She had been forced to sit in the back of the patrol car whilst the frantic hissing of the police radio punctuated the air. She dreaded the moment when Niall got caught, as she knew would inevitably happen. Niall had never really been a criminal. He’d done drugs, he’d robbed a small store and he’d held people at knife-point, but he wasn’t a murderer. Not until tonight. A junior officer had briefly told her that Niall Vass was holding nine people hostage and had killed another two.

“But Niall wouldn’t hurt a fly!” Amy was trying to convince herself as well as the officer. He gave her a look of pity and promised her that if Niall came out on his own accord he would get a lesser sentence.

Amy was allowed out of the car some three hours into the negotiations, complaining of cramp in her legs. She had eventually been coaxed into talking into the megaphone.

“Niall? Honey? It’s me, Amy.”

She heard a faint cry of “Prove it!” from somewhere in the depths of the huge building in front of her.

“We got married in New Orleans and went on our honeymoon before we got married.”

Silence ensued, and she looked nervously to the negotiator who nodded appreciatively.

“Honey, come out. The sentence will be shorter if you come out right now. Please don’t hurt any more people, Niall. They deserve to live too!”

A gunshot was heard, and Amy screamed in horror into the megaphone, causing many officers to thrust their hands over their ears in pain.

“Niall! Talk to me!” Amy hollered into the megaphone. There came no reply, and then she burst free from the gaggle of officers who were violently speaking into their radios. She sprinted towards the front door of the building, evading the lunges of many spirited men and women, before throwing herself at the glass panel of the office block and breaking it, falling down on her face and being cut severely by the shards of glass. She lurched to her feet and kept running, moaning in agony with each step. She took the steps two at a time, reaching a huge wooden door that was oddly out of place in this modern office block. It looked like it belonged to a church. She slammed against this door, which surprisingly burst open and she staggered into the room, taking in the sights of eight people huddled against the wall, some gagged and others bound. One person lay on the floor, bleeding. She took all this in very quickly, before a series of loud bangs ensued, causing her to fly back and hit her head against the wooden door. Niall’s eyes grew in horror as he recognised his girlfriend, and he ran towards her, cradling her lifeless form in his arms, wailing in horror. He was snapped out of his grief when he heard footsteps coming up the stairs. Acting quick, he dragged Amy’s body out of the way, and hurriedly pushed the wooden door closed. Then he started to set his barricade up again. He heard the battering ram push up against the door, before deciding to take the coward’s way out. He pulled down his barricade and opened the door for them. The SWAT team moved in fast, handcuffing him and dragging him outside. He heard the cries of relief from his eight remaining hostages vaguely, but all he saw as he left the room was Amy’s forgotten corpse, just slumped there against the wall.

All of this had taken place some four years ago. To this day, Niall regretted it. He should have tried to escape. He was surrounded but he took the coward’s way out and gave in. Of course, this had improved the length of his sentence, but not by much. It was still a life sentence, only at least he had a chance of parole now. His inmates at the high security complex were just as terrifying. There was Rusty, the famed maniac who burst into a school and stabbed as many people as he could get his hands on, including two police officers. In all, twenty two people died that day, with many more wounded. Some might have said he was insane in the head. His inmates would say so too. But he did not plead insanity, he meant it completely. Once jailed, he tried to kill his fellow inmates and now had to be chained to the bed and only let out for bathroom breaks (accompanied by six officers, two of who would physically stand beside him as he urinated, and even defecating) and his meals were fed to him by an officer. He was not given the freedom of having a tray, plastic knife and plastic fork. As well as this interesting character, Niall had the delights of Kenneth Sinclair, famous for his vengeance campaign and stalking, and then killing freed murderers. Many of the general public even egged him on, believing what he was doing to be right, but in the eyes of the law, an eye for an eye is not the way to go. He was given a life sentence and received weekly counselling. Niall feared for his life with these two characters sharing a room with him. Indeed, he was afraid to sleep with Kenneth free to wander around the room. He soon found a way to remedy this; he befriended Kenneth and pretended that he was a political prisoner. Kenneth fell for it, and gave him no trouble.

Niall was woken up with a harsh slap across the face. He groggily lunged forwards, expecting to have to lose a few teeth. The butt of a rifle clunked into his forehead, and Niall flew backwards, back onto his bed. He forced his eyes open and saw several guards standing over him. He glared for a moment, before being sick all over the floor. A little bit of sick splashed onto one of the guard’s shoes. The guard in question charged forwards and grabbed Niall by the back of the head, and bellowed at him.

“LICK THAT OFF MY SHOE, NOW!” The bullish man screamed at Niall. Niall closed his eyes as he licked his own sick from the man’s shoe.

“SWALLOW IT!” The devilish man was grinning like the Grim Reaper upon claiming a new victim, as he relished his control over Niall.

Niall shuddered violently, and he couldn’t do it. He coughed the sick back onto the ground, this time over to the side, away from the shoe.

“Leave it.” The commanding officer spoke calmly, and instantly the other officers fell silent.

“Niall Vass, you are being transferred.”

Niall saw the man with the syringe step forwards. All he had time for was “What the-“before he fell into a deep sleep. When he next woke up, he was no longer in his jail cell. No, what he was in, was a house. But this was no normal house. Because there were at least 70 other people in this house, and as he scanned the room, he couldn’t help but notice they were all dressed in the clothes that every prisoner has to wear. What they were in, was a jail house.

Wooow Zi jeez that's amazing!!!! Is that really just the prologue??!! :hello:

Ewwww the bit where he has to eat the sick... :bored:

I've already told you my opinion lol - it's brilliant Ziola, you're a really gifted writer.

Yarr and I have a lot more I am going to add to it.. XD