Are your friends your responsibility in a way?
 

I've been thinking about this for a while.

I'll set a hypothetical scene.
You have a friend Jen who is in her 20's and she absolutely hates the elderly for no reason, you've heard her complain to other friends about old people who are customers at her place of work and says nasty things about them just because of their age.

Would you feel like it's your place to inform her or educate her about that being wrong or do you feel like it's not your problem and as long as it doesn't affect you and as long they're a loyal friend it doesn't matter?

I used to feel like it was nothing to do with me but now I can't look past it, I am quite vocal about telling my friends what standards I have for them because I'd want them to do the same for me if I was being ignorant. Does that make sense?

Personally I would bin Jen as she sounds very ignorant, I wouldn't even bother to try and educate as its like the brain mass couldn't cope! would just be a waste of your precious time

Its Typical of some young folks.
She will grow out of it.

It's not a real story, Arista.

What if you had been friends for a long time and just recently found out she felt that way about certain people for things they can't control? Would you say anything or just distance yourself?

Jen will certainly grow into it...old that is :laugh:

You're not responsible for them, but I think it's ok to challenge them on any positions they hold that you disagree with.

The ageism is just an example, it also applies to people who hate overweight people, people who are racist etc..

You are not responsible for other people and how they think, if it were me it would depend, if it made me super uncomfortable I would distance, if I could live with it and just put it down to Jen being dim, I would carry on but pull her on it if it began to grate on me

So if you challenge them on it and they refuse to listen but just don't mention the topic to you, could you still call them a friend?

Nope. I actually quite like when friends have a different opinion to me it leads to an interesting discussion but most of the time we all thik alike

I would say yes as they must have some other qualities that contributed to the friendship in the first place, though sometimes you outgrow people and if you have outgrown then I would move on

...I’m sure that Jen must have some lovely aspects to her character as well, hence the friendship felt toward her...I think trying to persuade her of the lovely aspects of older people that she’s somehow not able to see atm, would be the thing for me...I know some great older people who I think Jen would adore...so maybe I could engineer a ...(...socially distanced...)....meet for the day and I’m sure Jen’s mindset might be blown away a bit...

No, I couldn't care less what anybody's views are if I get on with them :shrug:

Obviously there are degrees to it. Is it worth losing a friend because they steal from boots once a week? Even though you may disagree with it, it's not really a big issue in the grand scheme of things as long as she doesn't talk to you about it, whereas if they're out every weekend on EDL marches, then for me, I wouldn't personally entertain that friendship if we'd spoken about it and there was no getting through.

I'd distance myself rather than "break up" as friends though.

Ah, that's an interesting way to put it, I guess everyone has their own definition of "too far"

Yes I know
but I am saying some young hate the Old.

That's not the point, I am talking about ANY kind of hate.

Lets face it they are a lot of vile pigs in the world, but we have to feel pity for them at times wallowing in their ignorance

Good friends will tell you the truth and pull you up when you go wrong. Bad friends are yes men.

Yeah, I expect my friends to call me out if I take something too far and I'd do the same with them.

In this instance it's not a case of being right or wrong though, it's just about having different opinions whether you agree/disagree with them or not

How can hating a certain group of the population be an opinion? :conf:

People can also be weak and just go along with a crowd just to be popular and express things they think others wish to hear, you have to weigh up all the possibilities ie vile pig v weak personality

I mean... it is their opinion if they feel that way towards them?

Highly likely in situations like this people are just generalizing anyway, they don't mean it in literal terms that they hate every single old person

I think I'd handle a friend getting in with the wrong crowd in a different way tbh.

I think it depends.

Does the person in the scenario truly hate older people or is she venting about older customers at work? Because anyone who has ever worked in retail can attest to the fact that the elderly can be both the best and worst kind of people to deal with.

If it's the latter, I'd let it slide that kind of venting is rooted in problems with customer behaviour but if she was all 'I want to kill all old people everywhere' then that's different.

If a friend is legitimately racist, homophobic or sexist then I don't think I could be friends with them.

...in terms of any ‘hate’ or prejudice shown toward specific people, I am starting to feel more and more that saying nothing...or walking away as it were..?..is condoning and adding to a problem...so speaking up is more the answer...

I used ageism as an example because I see it equally as awful as racism, homophobia and sexism etc.. In the hypothetical situation the friend is showing traits of really being ignorant or hating the group.

That's exactly how I feel, I can't stand by anymore, it's hard when the person has done nothing personal to me, but it's not fair to let them say awful things and think it's okay because nobody has corrected them.

They're not your responsibility but I personally wouldn't bother being friends with anyone I couldn't strongly and openly challenge without them "getting offendededed" or whatever... and people don't stay friends with me long if that's something they can't handle. Who would have guessed :joker:.

But yeah... there's a good reason that I have a small number of life-long friends, and very few "casual" friends. It's not about "agreeing about stuff" either - I have some VERY different opinions to good friends on certain topics. Purely down to the ability to robustly disagree and remain friends.

Workmates are another matter though, you have to reign it in a bit if you want to have anything resembling a comfortable work environment. I had to reign in a lot with co-workers in my previous job. I had my hard lines but I let things pass that I wouldn't have in other situations. Thankfully, in my current job (heavily values-focussed non-profit social enterprise) it's not really an issue as anyone who isn't more or less on the same page wouldn't be working there and (to be pretty blunt here :umm2: ) the people who work there are educated, respectful, intelligent and articulate so when disagreements do occur they're talked out properly and don't descend into nonsense.

Depends. .


Is her nickname big jen?

I wouldn't distance myself from a loyal / long-lasting friend after that,. I'd either let it slide or tell them what they're doing/saying is wrong depending how bad it is

In this particular instance, I'd prob just let it slide. Sometimes people go on generalized rants on a group of people that has annoyed them in the moment / lately without actually being prejudice / awful etc. Prob still best to set them straight tho

I think if your friend makes you feel uncomfortable and you feel it’s making you feel differently towards them...then you should say something because you will have nothing to lose.

Nah, it's not my place to tell other people what to think, no-one wants to know that person who keeps lecturing people about their "problematic" behaviour :laugh: I'd just phase them out of my life if they kept doing it.

It's not your place to tell others what they should think, but it is your place (or right) to tell others what you think. If you want to, obviously.

Well sure. But if I came across the rare person who held true hatred in their heart toward a group of people for their surface level traits, I wouldn't be interested in telling them anything :shrug: That's a closed mind right there, and it's not gonna be opened by someone ranting at them.

In the scenario in the opening post.
I'd certainly express my own view of why I disagree with how that person felt.

I would with anyone holding views like that, thankfully I don't have any, friends like that, it would however likely affect my friendship.

I am and can be friends with those with massively opposite views to mine.
That can get quite heated.

Prejudice I detest however.
I'd have to express my view and challenge it.
Although I think like Oliver, I'd likely over time pull away from such extreme prejudice and the prejudiced individual sadly.

Before I term anyone a friend however, I have pretty much got an idea of their thinking on important issues.

My pal shannel told me straight the other day from her furloughed home office phone..

I told her straight as well..we are pals still.